Something In The Water by Q - Short - Three children discover there's something in the water that just isn't quite right. - pdf, format

As I go:

I'm not clear on what happens in the first scene. Does the woman see the kids? Why is she grabbing her clothes? Are they done? Why aren't her "assets" shining in the moonlight?

Thoughts:

A second tale of miraculous water. I really liked the first half of this one but once they left the forest, all the tension dissipated, and the second half didn't do much for me. They didn't do anything wrong, so the story of them keeping the secret isn't particularly interesting. The gag at the very end is nice -- I'm assuming he's just going to end up killing her, right? But it's just sort of an unmotivated gotcha at the end. If this has been the major thrust of the story -- it fixes Wesley, Rose hurts herself, he drowns her trying to save her, runs away, Dwight shows up later...something like that I might have enjoyed. I don't know. It just seemed like there was a lot of tension and potential in the first half, but as soon as we left that, there wasn't a lot going for this story. The discovery is miraculous, but there isn't much of a story here, past kids fooling around and one dying. As I see it. Not an interesting conflict and not much dynamic action by the protagonists.

Although your writing to this point has been good, try and avoid passages like these "Wesley blushes beet red as Dwight pulls him into a bear-hug while Wesley struggles to free himself." It doesn't read well IMO, you're going backwards in action instead of chronologically. If I read that his face blushes beet red, that's what I imagine first, but then when you put the bear hug in there, it takes a moment to re imagine the whole scene. It just slows you down.

At page 4, this is all getting very repetitive, hopefully something happens soon.

"Mid-way a sickening sight as Wesley’s head ricochets off a jutting tree limb before plunging into the depths below." With the current tone of the story, this scene does not match. Did I miss any of that subtext earlier on? Just a massive tonal shift, that's all.

"her body convulses." Is she convulsing while standing up? I don't think that's possible.

Finished.

Like Chris, the second half definitely faltered. There were some good things happening, but some other not-so-good things. When you get the mother and the sheriff involved, it just got a little tiresome since it's just made obvious what will happen next. There isn't anything surprising except the final image, which I quite liked actually. Mix up the lead up to the end a little, try and not make it so average and predictable. You're a good writer, so I'm a little surprised this doesn't have many reads.

Also, the first scene with the woman just seems to be there for the R rating. It doesn't really progress the story in anyway. Scrap it, or replace it.

Grade: B

The opening scene was humorous but it ended up feeling like it was just added in for the "R" rating.  What did it contribute to the story?

I like the idea here and the ending but the story itself moved pretty slow.  I think you could either have more going on like have them run into more obstacles or you could just trim it a couple pages to pick up the pace.

Not a bad effort though.  

I liked the title for this, the story itself, meh, the opening was cute and the kids for the most part were well written, at least in the beginning. It does have a good ending though, at least for me which kinda made up for the second half, so good job there. A good effort though. You succeded in doing what the challenge asked, and it was well written. Good job on completing this.

I was into this until they left the woods. I was confused the last part of the script. There should be increasing tension I feel in a story like this and it just fell flat for me.

A slight outer limits, twillight zone kinda vibe to it. Writing was pretty clean - I didn't have any real issues with this, perhaps it could do with more economy of words in places. Some of the expressions used didn't seem age appropriate at times, but I'm willing to let that slide.

Good job on your OWC entry.

Eoin

I think you did a great job with this. I like the slow build up you did with the kids going about in the woods with their bikes. I felt there was some good tension throughout until we got to Teressa and Henry's conversation at the end. The story itself felt a bit rushed at the end but regardless I still enjoyed it.

Pg. 5 Mid-way a sickening sight as Wesley's head (should be Dwight's head)

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

Ha!  That’s an opener.  Cut straight to the R.  Pity it couldn’t have been worked in some other way as it did feel tacked on simply for the challenge requirements -- but still...

Story-wise this moved at a decent pace and I got a feel for the characters and their situation.  Noticed a few missing words here and there - nothing major.

Lost me a bit on page 7.  Could do with a tweak in terms of clarity. Didn’t understand how or why Wesley fell in the water (did he jump in?) Then no mention of Dwight when he returns, think it’d be natural to wonder about his fate.

p.8 ‘Clean, neat and tidy’ -- something feels redundant here.

Minor niggle, how would they know Dwight broke his bones if he’s healed?

p.9 what is it the Sheriff wants to try?

Hmm, the ending fell kind of flat for me.  The way I read it I’d have to assume Wesley’s about to kill Rose and I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if he was trying to help her.  It occurred to me that if the water heals, then is that even possible?  Think we could play more on Rose's  ‘injury’ as I’d pretty much forgotten about it given everything else that had happened.

What happened to Dwight?  My understanding was that he survived and came back, but then where’s his side of the story?  What happened down there??  

Not a bad start but it felt like this lost focus and what could have been a dark little tale ended up missing that important ‘something’ to tie everything in place.

Steve.

It wasn't clear that they were jumping over the river.  The slug says "CHETCO RIVER", but nowhere does it say that the large rock shelf is on the other side of the river until they're jumping.  It was difficult to picture exactly what the area looked like.

Dwight "loses" his grip.  Not "looses".

It's not clear that the river goes into the cave.  One shot Wesley's at a fork in the river, the next he's at the cave entrance.  You need to say the river flows into a cave.

You use, HITCHEN'S HOUSE, as a slug but nowhere do you tell us that Rose and Wesley are the Hitchen kids.

Pg. 9  Henry wants to try something with the kids.  What is it?  They end up interrogating them after Dwight shows back up.

Pg. 9  Who does the look pass between?  Wesley and Rose, or Wesley and Theresa?

Pg. 10 I'm confused on why Dwight is at their house.  If he escaped, wouldn't he go home?  Is he alive or dead?  How did he get into their living room?

Pg. 11 If Wesley is going through this maze of caverns, where is the light coming from?  How did Dwight turn strange?

Pg. 11 If Dwight was healed by the water, how did the hospital know he broke every bone in his body?

Pg. 12 If the water can bring people back to life, how is Wesley going to kill his sister, by drowning her, in the water that can bring people back to life?

Maybe I missed a lot but this didn't make much sense to me.

Jordan

OK, we've got the R rating out of the way early, but it really feels tacked on for literally no reason at all, other than to show some T...and maybe A?  Some comma abuse in your opening and a bad misspelling of "voluptuous".

Page 3 - OK, listen, other than the meaningless intro with the voluptuous assets, we have nothing but this jump and dialogue.  The scene is not well set at all, and I still don't really know what this jump looks like.  The conversation is so out of place about the girl's burn - if she got it when she was a small child, why wouldn't these peeps know about it?  I'll bet now that this will come up later and is total exposition.

Lots of comma issues throughout.  You should seriously look into how and when to use commas.

Page 4 - "...delicious melons..." - Ha!     Classic...and very funny!

I've got to say that these kids don't seem to be the age they're given.  They seem much older in the way they speak.

"looses" - Loses" - always amazes me how often the word "lose" is misspelled.

Page 5 - once again, you didn't set this scene properly or you're not writing it properly.  It sounds like a big drop off to the water below, but after Dwight jumps and falls, it seems like the other 2 are down at the water instantly.  A new Slug is needed here, if nothing else.

Page 6 - "bloody skull"?  Really?  Just how far was the drop into the water below?

"CAVE ENTRANCE" - You used a Mini here and IMO, that's a big mistake, as time has definitely passed.  When time passes, you shouldn't be using Mini Slugs.

Page 7 - Another incorrect Mini here - it's a new location with Rose standing there.  You cannot use Mini's for new locations.  It doesn't make sense.

There's some odd writing going on here - incomplete sentences that should be joined together with commas.  Tough to read when written like this.

And another incorrect Mini - "AT THEIR BIKES" - Now, we know alot of time has passed between the cave, the RIVERBANK UPSTREAM, and now back at their bikes.  When you decide not to show events that have to happen, you have to use a full Slug and should use a time element of MOMENTS LATER, LATER, or something to that same effect.

Page 8 - "throw" - "throws"

OK, I;m going to skip the exact detailed notes and read till the end, but understand there are numerous issues going on.

I think you missed with the structure here - the Flashbacks don't work as written.  Visually, there are many problems with the writing. Slugs need help, punctuation needs help, some details aren't intro'd well - BUT - you know what?  I actually like what you attempted and feel it has legs, is unique, and is rather well thought out.

Clean up the writing. Rethink the structure.  Work on the visual writing.

You were able to meet the requirements quite well and that's hugely appreciated.  Pretty cool concept, even as flawed as it is.

Good effort here and one of my favorites, overall.

Hey, I wanted to add a few things I neglected to say earlier.

One of the reasons I liked this was your ability to craft good, believable characters, who act like real peeps, even though IMO, they seem a bit older than the ages you gave. Most can't seem to do this, and I applaud you for your work here.

I read over all the feedback and I think a number of issues peeps had early on was answered before the end, and I think the main problems here are as I stated earlier - poor structure.

If we knew the 1 kid was a cousin early on, a number of issues go away.  I'd start at home with the Mom talking to them and make it clear that the 1 kid is their cousin.

Also, I think you need to make it clear how close they live to this area, as I know it's a very rural area, and I strained to believe they rode their bikes here.

10 days seems like too long for the kid to come back.  The hospital scene was also out of place.

Little tweaks here and there will really help to tighten this up and make it all come off more believable.

Nomad questioned why the brother was killing the sister in the end, but IMO, he's definitely not - he's going to heal her scar on her face, which is an interesting move, but not quite executed properly.

Again, great job here.  Now, fix this baby up and make her shine!

I liked it! Quite a few typos. I'm sure you'll spot them when rewriting. One especially stood out and that was writing Wesley when you meant Dwight in the water.

The adults having sex felt tacked on just to get that R-rating in there.

About halfway through, I felt that this was going to be yet another younger/weaker/bullied whatever saving the the others and become the hero of the day. I'm glad I was wrong and that you turned towards a darker conclusion.

I've only read three so far and I think this one might be my favorite so far. Good job!!  

The tension of the relationship between the kids in this worked very well. I also liked the reveal and thought the discovery was good stuff.

The story lost a bit of energy when they returned to town and I guess their secret was a bit of a false hold back of information. The ending has a nice ambiguity to it.

Something in the water

Starts with a couple banging away - well done
We then cut from that scene to another - I tust the theme will re emerg
Small point but if they don't know each other maybe we could discover that earlier?
Not wholly sure why they are lying - it was an accident?

Ok, finished - not bad, I liked it.

A couple of issues

1) I can't see why Wesley changed or what he saw to try and get rid off dwight

2) if dwight survived doesn't this conflict with him trying to kill his sister

3) what relevance does the opening scene have?

4) I also read it that he is trying to kill his sister in water that gives life?

I suppose I would have liked to see more of his changes after being in the water, leading to the final moment.

Another great tale.  This one would be right at home in an 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' anthology.  (minus the titty scene.  :-)

This immediately put me in the Pacific Northwest as I see it.  (I've never been there.)  Luscious woods, almost forests.

This story would've been even greater without the 12 page limit and one week time restraint.  I'm guessing that's why a couple readers are a little lost as to exactly what happens.  It's nothing a quick edit won't fix, though.  I had to read through it twice to figure out how to put the story in place.

Although the story's great, there is one thing that confuses me.  Wesley gets healed from the water, and so does Dwight.  Which is a cool, awesome idea.  But something strange happened to Dwight, though.  He turned strange, right, kind of like Pet Sematary and the Mickmack Burying Ground.  Why didn't Wesley turn strange?  I'm a little lost on exactly what happened to Dwight, why he was strange, and why it didn't happen to Wesley, too.

But this'll be a great story made even greater after the edits.

Great job.

- Mark

Unfortunately this story just had too many holes in it for me to make sense of what was happening (or what the intent was).

It started out with little things. On page one you describe “a breathtaking drop”. After a couple of pages of them debating making the jump, Wesley attempts it. When he just barely makes the jump, it says his “leg slips in the water”. But how? I thought it was a breathtaking drop.

Later Wesley enters a cave heretofore unmentioned with wounds that I also missed somehow. And then it seems like Wes just kind of falls in the water. Why?

I didn’t understand why Wes and Rose felt they needed to cover these events up. It was an accident. The flashback later doesn’t help me either. It says Dwight went strange, but why not just get help? He's not even dead.

And now Henry knows the kids are hiding something, but why doesn’t he just ask Dwight what it is. Is Dwight in a coma or something? I also don’t know how the hospital can know his bones were broken if he shows up healed.

At the end Wes takes Rose to the water under the pretense of healing her. I know there’s confusion about this, but to me he really does appear to be killing her. How? Doesn’t the water revive people?   Why? To keep the secret hidden? But she already told the adults what happened, and Dwight’s still alive and Wes still hadn’t done anything wrong until just this very moment.

Sorry if I sound like I’m piling on, but every time I tried to connect to a piece of this story it fell out from under me. Maybe the time constraints just caught up to you. I think you’ll probably have something neat going on here if you take a little more time to uncover it. So I’d be interested in a rewrite just so I could find out what happened  

Congrats on getting an entry in!

I would validate most of the concerns mentioned. The water, while seemingly miraculous in its restorative powers, is not all that wonderful. The logline and the way this story unfolds, suggests there is some of kind of trade-off for any benefits.  Reminds me of the Monkey's Paw.

This story has a bumpy flow, which of course, can be smoothed in subsequent drafts.

Dwight's reanimation is dealt with very lightly here. No mention if he is in a trance or what. The focus is on the brother and sister.

I kinda like the ambiguity of the ending. Is Wes taking his sister back to the waters to cure her or kill her? His actions seem aggressive.  His state of mind has been in questions since his return home.  

Not much more to say. Hopefully the writer will step up with some answers. Good job for one week.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

I think the page count could've been halved if you were to rewrite and trim back the descriptions. Half of them read like a novel, a lot of them featuring things that wouldn't even show up on-screen. Also, for all of the description you had, much of it was clunky and confusing. I had to re-read things several times to understand what was going on and still didn't quite pick up on it.

As for the story itself, I think there's potential in there, but the technical issues really detract from it. Your rhythm of presentation seemed to be a bit off, too. Minor scenes last too long and the tension/anticipation dissipates before you reach your next major event.

So.

The couple doing it at the start was kinda outta nowhere.

Dwight's comment about Rose's face felt misplaced as well.  I would have thought that he would have asked her before the trek through the forest or maybe he was hesitant about asking her but thus far it doesn't seem like his style.  Maybe a couple stares from Dwight before he just had to ask?

For a couple of kids who were involved in an accidental death, they seemed a bit too composed and cool about it.  Maybe Wesley figured that the waters being magical and able to heal all wounds would revive Dwight somehow but after 10 days?  It just didn't click for me.

The very last passage confused me a bit.  Why was he forcing her head underwater?  If he would have explained how the water works, I'm sure she would have just dove in.  Do they have to die and be reborn again for wounds like that to heal?  If so, I don't see how Wesley's wounds healed.

Overall I liked this story.  Some parts were a bit too detailed for me and some grammar hiccups but it worked.  Great job.

Johnny

I kind of like this one but it left me with too many questions:

Not sure what the 'naked' scene was for...the R rating maybe?

Rose says she'll go if the others go but she then jumps first?

Why did Dwight go strange but Wesley didn't?  Is this why he blocked him in the cave?  If he was alive when blocked in the cave, how did he survive for 10 days without food?  

Why did he go to the Hitchen house?

How does the hospital know Dwight broke nearly every bone in his body if he is in fact unharmed?

If he is 'alive' why doesn't he say what happened or is it because he has gone 'strange'?

Is Wesley trying to drown his sister in the water that brought Dwight back to life?  If so, this makes no sense?

I enjoyed the opening to this story in the forest, except the first scene which could be cut, but then things become too confusing.  Shame as I think this has good potential.

Wesley fell?  Sorry to jump in head first, but I think you meant "the other guy" whose head met tree limb.  Also "looses", should be "loses".

Anywho, onto the review (pardon my raw eye for mistakes , even if I make a lot myself):

Personally, I didn't understand the ending.  I get "miraculous water" and "healing properties" and what-not, but it seemed less descriptive than I had hoped.

Potential rests within this story, and if not for the 12 page limit, I believe the writer could've written a more cohesive, coherent ending that sufficed my taste buds.

It's a great little cracker.  I understood a bit, but much was left to the imagination.

In my own mind, I felt like this was the scenario:

SOMETHING IN THE WATER.  There is a demon (perhaps?) or some kind of ancient toxin (maybe?) that rests within the water harboring healing capabilities, but also bears mind altering side effects that turn any who touch the water into mindless drones.

OR

To put a spin on a classic tale:  THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.  Hmm?

A bit more explanation could aid my theory, but this was a well written piece, with a little too much at the end left to the reader's imagination for understanding what was IN the water that turned these kids into something more.

All in all, good piece, solid characters, a confusing yet fantasy-esque story, which leaves plenty to the imagination and leaves the reader wanting to know more.

Lee

Thanks to those who read and commented on this.  

I was left really   and   at the typos in this and the character-switch error in one scene - was a good pick-up by some. Being that I'm a real stickler for details I just had to 'suck it up' cause I had no time at all to proofread and I really wanted to enter, so...

By way of 'story' explanation this was a case of cut four pages of story and dialogue in the last half hour leading up to the deadline hence some of you were a lil confused with what was going on. That being said, I was really chuffed to see quite a few people got the essence of the story and liked the characters and the setting.

I really enjoyed this OWC. A big well-done to Jeff.