Have to agree with the majority on this one - nicely structured overall, some good cutting between Elly being in danger and David being quite relaxed.

The Sabre-tooth felt like it was the climax a  bit, so there was a bit of a lull after that - might work if that and the real climax were brought a little closer together?

It did feel like Elly should have had a little buddy or something for her dialogue in the ditch.

Apart from that, a decent piece of work, with the story being stronger than the writing.

I was into this until Elly started talking to herself.  It comes across as hokey IMO since people don't normally have full conversations with themselves out loud.  

On page 8 you have a paragraph where the Indians cut down tree branches and make a device to carry a lion and Indian.  These guys might be fast but it's still going to be time consuming and to write it like you did throws off the pacing IMO.

The discovery of the portal was very abrupt.  I had to go back and reread because I thought I missed something.  Nothing seemed to bring it on, it was just suddenly there.

A lot of the dialog here is expositional and a little flat.  Dialog is something I struggle with as well.  It needs to not only come across as natural, not forced, but it needs to grab you.  

Cool idea for the challenge and good job completing it in such a short time but I think it could use some more work.  

Lots of exposition at the start, most of it irrelevant. Elly talking to herself is a sticking point, it just doesn't happen, not whole conversations like that. There's also no emotion in the dialogue, it's all very cut and dry. You probably lost half a page with the spacing problems around your headers.

The portal suddenly appears just as she's there, and just at the right time for the ending to happen. It's a weak premise, I don't buy it.  It could work better if the entire reason they're there is to learn about the flood, study the effects it had on the land, imagine what would happen if the same thing happened today. Then it's a proper setup for the reveal at the end.

On the plus side, you have some great descriptions even if they are a bit wordy. Good action sequences, and imaginative use of the Paleo-Indians. I like that they didn't really react to the present day people, just curious about them, and thanks for not telling us what they say to each other, it's a nice touch that maintains the mystery and suspense.

Good job finishing the OWC.

Interesting premise, nice execution. The writing--dialogue and descriptions--were a little tough to digest. The dialogue between Elly and David was really forced and I didn't really buy it as being realistic. It was too cutesy. The descriptions were brief, but I think you could still cut out more by using broader actions. Instead of describing in a whole paragraph each move that the tiger made when it killed the Indian, just say it killed an Indian in a sentence.

But yeah, I really like this concept. Not many people went this direction, so it's neat.

Quoted from DanBall Instead of describing in a whole paragraph each move that the tiger made when it killed the Indian, just say it killed an Indian in a sentence.

Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond.

Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about.

If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO.

Just saying...

Quoted from Dreamscale Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond. Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about. If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO. Just saying...

I could see it being okay if it's only done at crucial moments, but it gets a bit tedious when every single sentence of description is like that. It slows down the read and bogs down the experience. Maybe it's just me, but I get lost easily in a sea of adverbs.

I really enjoyed the concept behind this one and thought the story was structured well. I liked the escalation of threat from something horrible, but manageable to something completely devastating.

The character reactions to these events however, seems understated to the point of being a bit humerous. The characters are set up pretty well in the beginning, but their emotions just didn’t seem to rise to the intensity of the action around them.

I also agree that an opportunity was missed by not having the archeologists try to communicate with the Indians. Perhaps the Indians could come first, attempt to communicate, but have all hell break loose instead.

Overall a solid entry, I thought. Congrats on getting it in.

Quoted from Dreamscale Have to really disagree with this comment...to the point that I felt it important to respond. Although the writing is not perfect here, there are many examples of the writer writing visually...and that's what it's all about. If you're serious when you say, "just say it (the tiger) killed an Indian in a (one) sentence (and move on)", you're completely incorrect, and that's poor advice, IMO. Just saying...

Just wanted to point out that the animal involved is not a tiger. It's a sabretooth cat. Ove rather years in movies and books, somehow the animal was dubbed a 'sabre tooth tiger' prolly cos it sounded 'cooler'.

Wow Stevie, this was yours! Thought you handled the action in this admirably.

Quoted from LC Wow Stevie, this was yours! Thought you handled the action in this admirably.

Hey thanks Lib! I'm pretty sure I liked yours. Will re-read it.

The toughest part of this challenge was indeed, including enough violence and/or sex to give it an R rating (which is the equivalent of MA over here).

I never felt in my comfy zone writing the scenes where the cat attacks people but that was the only way I get it done.

A few people have commented about Elly's dialogue. I personally didn't think it was that bad or else I would never have used it. Just remember, she's a confident, headstrong girl. She goes on digs with her professor dad. She ain't some little precious thing. Seeing the prehistoric and animal and people appear out of nowhere wasnt scary to her - it was wonderful and interesting.

All the places and historical events used here are real and happened. I did an incredible amount of research on this. One time I spent an hour trying to find a small reptile from the area 13000 years before now. I finally found a Red Panda. That originally came through by itself and followed Elly around before the other stuff. But it took up a load of page space so I canned it, then had the idea of the sabretooth cat and Indians.

Anyway, thanks to all who read it and kind reviews! If I missed anyone's entry, let me know and I will re-read and comment.

Cheers to buddy Jeff again for a great concept

I felt like a was on a teeter totter during this read for real.  Elly's dialogue felt out if place, and then her pops says she can handle herself.  Makes her seem more mature, so I was moved past it.

Then the action came in, which was pretty cool, but it felt forced.  Then I read the ending and was like, "wow, what a good fucking ending. That could definitely change the world."

I'll sum it up and say that the sci-fi element to this was wonderful, the portal(nicely described) and the time travelers(a solid contrast).  The end wasn't mind blowing, but mind working.  Good job planting the seeds.

Johnny