Well, I thought I knew who had written this and now realize I wasn't even close.

Title is okay--works in a way, but is sort of bland in relation to the overall story.  The writing is pretty good.  Sharp, crisp, nicely drawn characters.   Pretty much met all the challenge requirements:  definitely got its "R" rating, Pacific Northwest setting, discovery by a kid that could affect mankind??  I guess, but that one's a little borderline.  I'll give it to you, though.

I thought the story was rocking along pretty well until you actually got inside the cave.  For me, for some reason, that's when it started derailing.  Why are the older boys getting much older, but Tyler becomes a superhero?  Is it because they had sex and he didn't?  Is the moral of the story that sex is a bad thing?  BOO!!!!!!

Then the last Siren "flips a switch" and the older boys return to their previous age, but Tyler retains his super strength?  How is he going to explain that one back home?

It all just seemed to end abruptly and as mentioned above, without anyone sort of moral closure to the story.   I still think the writing is much above par compared to the rest of the stories I've read so far--I just think the ending let you down.  Thanks for entering!

Grade: B

Gary

Great start to this - I liked the set-up. Dialogue worked really well, and some personal issued stuck in there too.

I worked well for me up to the point just after when Tyler knocks the boulder onto the first girl - way to introduce yourself ...

After that, there were a couple of issues - I felt that the other guys should have been used a bit more, in particular Jay, to get a bit of dramatic tension between then. I wasn't completely taken by the girls turning from water to flesh when punched.

I felt the last girl's dialogue was a bit weak, and there wasn't really a resolution between Tyler and Jay.

So a strong start-to-mid, that just needed a resolution to match.

My notes echo many of the other comments, so I won't harp on how easy it became for Tyler and how convenient it is that everyone got their youth back.

Great writing overall. Lots of description, good pace, scenes start late and leave early, dialogue's believable and you aren't afraid to leave it out of scenes, and the tone is consistent. My only beef with the characters is Nick and Austin might as well be the same person, there's no difference between them, and they're both just filler.

When Tyler talks to himself, a simple "screw this" would have been enough. The rest is overdone. Tyler doesn't react enough to the rapid aging, especially since his brother is affected. Why did Tyler get to keep that strength if the life energy was returned to the three men? That seems odd.

Awesome kill, dropping a freakin' boulder on the rejuvenated maiden. That made me so happy! All hell broke loose, as it should have, so it really is a shame how easy it became for Tyler after that great moment.

Great job, among the top ones I've read despite the anticlimactic ending.

There are bits of this I really liked but then others less so.

I really enjoyed the first part of the story.  The brotherly conflict between Tyler and Jay was good.  I liked how Jay played the big man in front of his friends, bossing Tyler about but then showed concern when he looked scared.  This was then dampened though when he was fine with leaving him alone as he and his friends were off to the island.

The action in the cave was entertaining but dragged a little and I'm not sure how/why Tyler kept his new super strength after saving his brother and his friends?  actually Austin and Nick didn't really play too much part and this and probably could have been cut completely?

Overall though this was one of the best I've read so far.

The Harem

Sounds interesting befor we've started.

Not sure what the cost and reason fro bringin Tyler is, or why he's the one wh found it, but thata side the start is fine.
Naked woman - why didn't I have this in my script ??
The ageing process - this has the feel of an ancient myth, couldn't tell you what/which, but nice use

Ok, finished.

I think this has real potential but doesn't finish it off. Actually it needs a fair degree of work but I like the idea.

At the end we have to feel something more than we do, we have to understand why - which is not alway clear - and we should feel the sense of mystery, which I don't athe moment. For example. We are given no foreshadowing of this, of why,of what could happen and therefore no setting up of a reversal, which it needs to emails on the myth.

Somehow. It Feels like sinbad on his adventures, against the mythological girls etc

In short, I love the idea, but not as much the delivery.

Hmm...a lot going on here. The dialogue wasn't completely on the nose, but I couldn't really picture real kids saying this stuff either.

I'm not really sure how this discovery alters mankind. It's on a smaller scale and the maidens are mostly killed and the cave is sealed before it has a chance to affect the rest of the world. That's assuming, of course, that the rest of the world would ever be in that neck of the woods in the first place.

I didn't really care for the characters. They were just shallow, superficial, run-of-the-mill teenagers.

The end reveal was okay, too. Not totally unexpected, but it was kinda hard to follow. I didn't really understand how the maidens were formed from water, reacted like water when punched, but still had flesh and blood? Furthermore, I didn't really understand the reversal when Tyler killed the maidens after they dragged him underwater. It seems like you set it up so that the maidens would drain him in the pool (why else would they drag him there?) but it winds up arbitrarily having the opposite effect and no one wonders why and it's never explained.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

Page 2 - "He kick rocks in anger", *kicks*

Onto the review:

I like this idea.  It reminds me of a scene in my book where the main protagonist gets lured into a cave by a Siren who does some rather explicit, dodgy things to him...

Anyway, great.  In a way this captured a fantasy tone that slowly began to unravel a mystery, and a group of individuals with the ability to regenerate by *cough, cough* with men.  

Intriguing, delightful.  Nice ending, with Tyler becoming He-Man too.