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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Girl - OWC
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  Author    The Girl - OWC  (currently 4833 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Girl by T - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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DV44
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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No logline? Hmmm, No dialogue until the end of page 5! Just action lines. Not to say the story is not good because I haven't read it yet but it will hard for some to focus on almost 5 pages of action lines with no break for dialogue.

- Dirk
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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

My last one! A prequel to Lucky McKee's "The Woman," I hope

As I go:

Second one of these with a completely nude little girl. I wonder about these SimplyScripts people...

Wait so is this the 10 year-old girl breastfeeding? Maybe 11, by now?

Thoughts:

Ooh, man I'm gonna need one more clue to get where you're going with this one. I thought about the idea of arbitrary group divides -- they look the same as the "beast," though maybe they can speak and it can't, and yet they see no connection between them and it. And the others worship something which they hunt and eat. The start I was thinking about -- destroying the animalistic and it being rebirthed as the the civilized, that there's a violence to this transitory act. I'm not sure. This one definitely got my head spinning in a very pleasant way but I cannot connect the dots.

I believe this one was worked on quite closely so I will be excited to hear the author's thoughts on it. Although I didn't understand what story I was being told, necessarily, that barely affected my enjoyment. This is the sort of thing that I would love to see and then discuss with friends afterwards.

Stoked. One of the best for last. Great work!
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LC
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, funny the different responses to the same script.

If I had to guess I'd say the author of this one is new to scriptwriting. Not meaning any offense cause there's an interesting tale here but imh, as written, it's getting lost in a mire of passive description and lack of technical screenwriting know-how.

An 'indigenous' girl? (10) and nude?! I'm not sure US Censor boards would pass this - perhaps with strategically placed animal fur pelts covering the bits... maybe.

Overall, this is a hard slog. Pages of inactive description. No proper character intro's etc.

You need to CAP your characters upon intro for example: SHORT FIGURE... or it gets lost, as it indeed did cause now this character appears as 'the person'. Likewise with a 'nude, long haired humanoid' etc.

A lot of this reads as a hybrid of script and prose and is written passively i.e.

'Off screen the newborn slips a grunt.'
'slows the steps for stealth' - 'the dog bays offscreen' ??
'She reacts with a measured squint.'

Despite the technical difficulties and the fact this was a difficult 'story' to decipher there's a clear writer's voice here, and some nice images, it's all just a bit messy as it is now.

My advice would be to read some 'action' scripts online, particularly those featuring animals as 'characters' and familiarise yourself with screenplay formatting and dialogue/sounds, & really, seeing as this is mostly a non-dialogue piece how to convey this effectively.



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LC  -  July 14th, 2013, 11:06pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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The girl

No logline - I wish mine had no logline, it would be better

What is a ptarmigan - must look that up
I think the approaching dog and footsteps behind is trying to be too clever - bit confusing

If you had to include a nude female did she have to be 10
Wen you use person and girl, and they have not been introduced, it makes the read harder
Yup too confusing on which girl is which etc
Is this really 2013?
Why is one girl calling another mama and you label her girl

Presumed hole - that's a new one for me

I found this hard to follow and the lack of labelling and description doesn't help.

The script is different, I will give you that, and with clarity may have an interesting angle in terms of interaction, but I struggled with it.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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nawazm11
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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The last script! I think?

Hmm, strange twist with the girl, I'm going to continue reading because of the strong writing.

Blue Sky isn't really a good slug, but the sudden switch to the ground is poorly implemented. Why put the slug there in the first place when the action isn't occurring in the sky? It makes no sense. In fact, have we really had any other slug that shows where we are except the Pine Tree so far?

So many girls, I'm starting to get confused.

Finished.

Story was lost on me. I'd read it again, but I highly doubt that would make me understand anything. You have some kind of clone thing going on here, which is fine, but then you call them both "The girl". I had no clue who was who and what we were meant to be seeing. It's definitely not accessible. A very confusing story, mostly because of the unlabelled (is that even a word) slugs and poor character naming. The out there ending doesn't really help either. Like Chris, I too am interested in who wrote this. In the story's current form, it's not my thing but the writer reeks of talent.

Grade: D
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Eoin
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Confused by your slugs - you need an opening master slug before your mini slugs. This is a little too much prose for a screenplay and a little too passive at times. 'We see' and a whole bunch of other stuff will annoy some people, but these are things you can work on.

No need to CUT TO: the scene heading already implies the transition.

TITLE: should be SUPER:

Referring to characters as 'person' and 'girl' - despite the element of mystery, you still need to intro them.

Em, I don't know - there's a story here, somewhere, but it's a confusing read. The writer seems to like holding their card to their chest - just show the story.

Eoin
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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry to say but I cannot read past page three. It's too confusing for me. I'm just not hooked or invested in anything or anyone in this story. Sorry. Congrats though on completing an owc.
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bert
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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I am always intrigued by the no-logliners -- for some reason -- and nearly always give them a look.

I am pretty sure I could cut this script in half and make it clearer at the same time.  There is so much superfluous detail here -- and while I suspect the author is using it to define tone -- I also suspect there is a small language barrier here undermining these efforts.  The excess detail only muddies the waters.

Some names for these characters would surely help, as by page 8, I had totally lost track of all the nude girls running around.  (If only I had such problems in real life...)

The ending was intriguing, but for all the exhaustive detail that preceded it, the conclusion was far too abrupt.  We spend nearly 3 pages climbing into a hole -- and once inside -- the big reveal and out with a single paragraph.

Perhaps other readers will grasp the nuances here, but they completely eluded me.

This particular author seems to have good ideas, but they are encouraged to keep things simple -- lest their efforts prove inaccessible -- as they have here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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mmmarnie
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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ptarmigan?  huh?  I'm too lazy to look it up but I really shouldn't have to. I guess it's some kind of bird.

"We see".  Ugh.  This is my pet peeve.  What is the point of writing that?  If you're describing it...we see it in our heads.  No more "we sees" or "we hears".  Not needed...ever.
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Besides the "we see", this description is awkward:

We see a long dark haired and nude, indigenous GIRL (10) crouched behind the tree, round belly, crawling softly away to another nearby.

It took me a while to picture what you were saying. The way it's written it sounds like her belly is crawling away to another one nearby.
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Also...no more "off screen".  Find a creative way to describe that the dog isn't in the shot.  And "a beat"?  No.  Again...find a way to describe this.  You're using the easy way out.  Be imaginative...engage us.
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Wait...9 months later?  This is supposed to take place in July 2013.  Well that does it for me.  Keep writing and Best of luck.




boop
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trickyb
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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there is really not a lot I can say that others have not, the story was difficult to get through, IMO best if turned into a story not a script

Have to say though well done for getting work submitted -  i didn't manage to do so


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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I was confused and struggled to read this. It's written like an adapted short story by someone unfamiliar with screenwriting. I read the first 5 pages then gave up, sorry.

The only advice I can give is to avoid any shooting comments in the script like "we see" or "looks off-screen". The script was full of telling us what we should be seeing or how we should feel. Instead just describe what we will see if we were actually watching it for real and it wasn't being filmed at all.  

I hope that helps.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DV44
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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And I'm back.

A bit confusing seems to be the theme for this. Strong writing on display but the lack of dialogue started to affect my A.D.D. I was finding myself rereading the same passage over and over again trying to figure out what was going on. Hate to sound harsh, you're definitely on the right path to becoming a good writer. Just need to read up on some scripts to get the formatting down. Get away from "we" and passive sentences.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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stevemiles
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say I struggled most of the way through this.  Thought it started out quite well.  There was a decent amount of mystery to pull me along and I got a sense of the landscape you were describing.  Unfortunately some labored writing and lack of any clear character or focus threw me off.

Action felt awkward in places.  I get the impression you’ve thought the scenes through and have a clear image of how you see this playing out.  But it didn't always translate well on the page and I found myself having to re-read passages to get a clear idea of what was happening and to whom.  

I did wonder if this would exceed an R rating for the child murder alone?

While it wasn’t for me it’s certainly unique with plenty of imagination and I’m keen to see the author’s take.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is my last script to read.  I usually like to go balls out on my last read.  Let's see what we have here.

Uh oh...not a good start.  Slug of "WHITE"?  "We are looking..."?  Really?  We are?  Or are we watching your movie and the shot you're trying to direct is that of a dead ptarmigan?

Next line also has issues, but let's just focus on an early orphan.

"The sound approaches us"?  Really?  What could it be?  Where could it be coming from?

"the top of a dog"?  Oh boy.  When you intro any "character" for the first time, even an animal, CAP it.

So, let's see here...16 lines to show a dead bird and the top of a dog.  Not good, my friend...not good at all.

SNOWY MOUNTAIN RANGE - I have to assume you're referring to the actual range of mountains, known as the Big and Little Snowy Mountains in Montana and Idaho?  I hope so, at least, but...Hell, we'll see...hopefully.

Wow, your next passage is just...not good.  You use "us" twice, "we" once", and "2 dozen yards", as in 72 feet?  Is it 24 yards when we first see it, or after it's been loping for a few seconds?

Man, another use of "us"?  That's all I can take and that makes me a liar, because I said yesterday I'd read all of the remaining scripts in their entirety.

Sorry, but I seriously can't take anymore.

Listen - you honestly don't want to write this way.  Don't direct each shot, each camera angle, etc.  Everything in your script will be seen by us, as long as it's on a screen.  Everything that's recorded will also be heard by us.

Just tell your story and use visual writing, not camera direction and the like.

I skimmed the rest of page 1 and it doesn't get any better.  This may well be the most attempts at completely directing everything imaginable in 1 page that I've ever seen.

I'm sorry, but that's it.

Thanks for entering.
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