Ha!  Jeff and his orphans!

So I tried to slug my way through this, but it is so full of exposition and camera directions and confusing characters--how many nude little girls can you cram in to one short--I bailed out at page 6.  It's a shame, because I think you have a talent for writing.  I just think you're really trying to hard to show us your talent.   Less is always more in screenplay writing, and you need to allow the reader the opportunity to picture what's happening in their head.  This reads more like a novel than a screenplay, IMO.

Good effort, just a bit too convoluted and overwritten.

Grade: Incomplete (since I didn't finish)

Gary

We like patterns, and patterns mean thing that fit it, and when you don't fit ... well, you better be ready, 'cos you're going to get hit.

I don't know where to start with this, and I'm unsure that you've started with a colour theme - it seems too bold for you to not have done so, but I'm not too sure - the brown and white, first of the snow, then the ptarmigan, then the dog, all seems too much to be co-incidental - but then I've not seen someone go so clear on colour for such a while.

And then there's the red, and the red's mixed with ... brown. And the red mixed with brown appears to be very deliberate, it being associated with the death of the girl.

Location-wise, why would you infer so much Inuit culture?

p.3 - plashes ...? Best use of a plosive in a screenplay? Maybe.

So this looks like a clone story -- but is that the secret gift of the child? And where does that assummption leave us? There are clearly no men in this script whatsoever, yet females are giving bith?

Like some people, I wondered if this was a complex pisser, but then you stick in 'susurrous', and I'm dissuaded.

p.8 The darts for the willows
-- The girl darts for the willows?

p.8 ...is if hiding inside a hole
-- ...as if hiding inside a hole? Tsk. Getting lazy.

p.10 The sound is not more readily
understood as chanting.
-- The sound is now more readily
understood as chanting?

Okay - I see the claustrophobic element of the tunnel, but I don't figure the end. At all. I'm going to go with something along the lines of her special ability is to clone herself - as only females can do this, and then ... I think I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

I think this script was brilliant.  Although I'm gonna have to read it about five more times to fully grasp the story.   This could very well be the new normal.

Actually it does need to be thinnd out, but it's still brilliant, IMO.   Nicely done.

I found a ptarmigan sorry I had no idea what it was and you mentioned about 5 times in the first few pages.

A nude 10 year old !! the twisted mind of the SS member

Page 5 and we have some dialogue ... i think you should have given Nude girl a name, she obviously plays a major part.


I'm sorry but I really struggled with this one.

Some good descriptions/actions

Good job on entering

Mark

Even after reading this script in its entirety, I had no idea what I just read.  Don't know why; it just felt like a part of a much larger piece.

Formatting-wise, there were problems.  Your constant use of we see is a Bozo no-no.  Using it takes us out of the story and uses up more space.

Quoted Text The person pivots the girl’s head back and we see a thick red -- thick as syrup -- oozing from her mouth,

could be better written by

Quoted Text The person pivots the girl’s head back.  Thick red ooze drips from her mouth.

While I understand that there's not much time for editing in OWC's, this script can be shortened a great deal.  You're very heavy-worded when you write.  A little bit of work on this could result in trimming three pages off the script.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This is an entry that I found it hard to evaluate. I could see it being quite an effective story with challenging visuals and deep meanings. However, as I read it I think much of that was beyond my ability to picture, so I was left uncertain about how to respond.

It’s very difficult to do this kind of symbolism laden, minimal dialogue, script in a way that will work well on paper. As it is the read felt quite tough and I’m not sure what you could do that would avoid that.

I’m sorry to say it, but this was the hardest one for me to get through. You seemed to be a good writer generally, but screenwriting is a whole different monster.

There’s talent here, so keep at it. The rules can take a bit to process and seem arbitrary at times, but once you get comfortable with it you’ll understand why they’re there.

Based on what I read uses of “we” and passive writing should be the first things to eliminate. You’ll want to watch overwriting too. Something tells me a proper revision of this material could cut its length by half.

Unfortunately, I can’t comment on the story as I just couldn’t get past the writing. I read the whole thing, but aside from a few strong images I just couldn’t get much out of it.

I’m sure a lot of the other comments are along these lines. I hope we don’t seem too harsh. The truth is not a one of us hasn’t had it said to us at one point or another.

Keep writing and congrats on getting a submission in! It’s impressive none-the-less.

"The Girl" is likely the most unconventional script in the challenge.
But are the conventions broken out of inexperience? Or as a means to tell this particular story?
I think the writer is great, maybe brilliant.

On the first go-round, I dismissed the story as confusing and vague. On a second quick read, I found the story confusing, but intriguing.There seems to be a message buried in the layers of details. I want to believe this is a mythic tale; folklore passed along generations. Or perhaps the evolving of life, the marriage of different species, adaptation and camouflage, the shifting roles between predator and prey.
I really don't know what the he** I'm talking about, but this is the influence "The Girl" has on me.  It's got me thinking outside the bird's nest.
As such, this would be the story I most want to know about.  And the writer I'd most want to learn from.
Thank you for sharing.

Firstly, congrats on completing the OWC.

Secondly, HOLY SHT! All description?? Really?

Thirdly, let me see if I can get through this.

Fourthly, okay. This has to be a pisser. Everything about it is so ridiculous and either over-the-top or incomprehensible that it must be a joke. The ape with the ptarmigan seemed more like a punchline than a satisfying resolution.

^Over-the-top or just over your head?^  And no I didn't write it, but I feel the need to defend the fact that it obviously took some serious creative talent to craft this script.

Then some chucklehead like you comes along and calls it a pisser/joke.

Unbelievable.

Quoted from NickSedario ^Over-the-top or just over your head?^  And no I didn't write it, but I feel the need to defend the fact that it obviously took some serious creative talent to craft this script. Then some chucklehead like you comes along and calls it a pisser/joke. Unbelievable.

Nick, c'mon now.  Let's play nice.

To be completely honest, I was wondering the same thing when attempting to read this one.

This is definitely not written in proper Spec script format - not even remotely close.  Whether or not that was intentional or not, doesn't really matter.

I mean, if someone actually wrote this and was moderately proud of it, I apologize for poo-pooing your baby. But the mistakes were just strangely consistent and the end was so off-the-wall that I didn't think it was serious.

While I was reading this, I also read Leegion's comment about how he'd thrown everyone off his scent, so I thought either this was his story or it belonged to someone else looking to have fun.

Despite the overwriting, the concept was intriguing until the end. Then it lost me.

Quoted from Dreamscale Nick, c'mon now.  Let's play nice.

Haha...look at ol' Jeff trying to keep the peace!

This one was tough to swallow for me, and I was surprised to see so much love for it.

But I do believe this author was earnest.  This is no pisser by any stretch.

I mean, look at the review from Abe up there.  I may not agree, but he is no dope.

I think it is great how different people can look at this one and see it through completely different prisms.

Will be even more interesting when the authors themselves can chime in.