Deep In The Bone

I had a good time here. Entertained me. I turned the page at a rapid pace. 2 and a half hour, that's fast for me, usually, I read very slow.

I like some of your techniques like those periods within scene transitions. Nevertheless, I wouldn't do it when a page breaks. You did this once, maybe twice, don't know.

Characters:

Let's say Larry is my personal hero. The characters are great.

"Maybe
you just have to accept things the
way they are."

The word "accept" doesn't fit to Dr. Simpson and this whole context. He asks him to accept the death of his son? Simpson is smarter than that, because that's stupid and endless insensitive. It's illogical in a humane sense.

Another thing which came to my mind: When Bashkim came back to the house of his son, Alex reacts a bit as if he knows how to fight, too experienced in my eyes. Bashkim on the other side has, that was my impression, a good chance to overpower Alex at the door, if he would just have done what he's experienced in – fight, act, react, whatever.

Still, I have empathy for all of them. Out of those small things I mention above they are simply great.


Quick calls:

DOCTOR SIMPSON
His only chance is a bone marrow
transplant and he needs it soon.
Unfortunately... .

ALEX
There are no compatible donors.

I guess that's too constructed. It felt uneven like your telling me "here, this is my film about, do you get it?" Maybe it's just worded too simple.


p23 I wasn't clear about Alex walked to the back of the building since you told that he came back to the front entrance of the premises.

That's similar to the swimming pool shot. You ended this shot with telling, showing, Bashkim coming out of the pool. That changes the whole shot backwards. A silent pool lies in the sunlight, oh no, the biggest mobster in there- you know what I mean...


Dialogue:

The dialogue in the car (in front of Bashkim's mansion) is just original. Perfect.

I thought about, in Larry's office, you don't let them interact, or yeah, move their bodies. I think you didn't find interesting stuff which they could do at the moment. Then I asked myself, this smart ass Larry, how does he move, what's his mimic, how does he underlines his words with gestures. What can they do else? That said Larry, and what he says... entertained me much.

I think a lot of dialogue is overwritten though. It didn't bother me.


Emotions:

Some strong moments like that:

ALEX
Why did you leave me, Rachel? I
don’t think I can do this alone.

Yeah, it's cheesy anyhow, but that makes him human. I would suggest you to put anything you got in this direction into your script. It makes him weak, he cannot be just Superdoc changing his whole life like from nothing.


The plot:

I found it curious that such a surgery can help as fast, and especially works with a dying human. But, to be honest, I don't have a clue about the medical side of your stuff.


The storyline works well, everything's fine – Then, when we enter Larry's detective agency I felt I've joined Chinatown or Cape of Fear. I love Larry, but he's from the 80's. Same way the script runs, very old school, and linear. Don't get me wrong I really like it, but I doubt that modern cinema's going that way today, such linear, straight way of telling.

I don't know where you're coming from, but if you're going to pitch it, and I definitely would suggest you to pitch it, because it's very strong, then I would think about television first. Just my thoughts with regards to marketability.


Title:

I don't like it. It's as I described above, again, the weakest point here. It's too generic, too straight, old school like. I think you don't need the cross reference to your medical theme. Better make it emotional, personal. "Until the last breath" "Closer to death (is this worded, right? Don't know)"
I hope you understand what I mean concerning the title.


It's a great work, Richard. As said - entertaining read. And all that within a few weeks. Throw it on the market when you think it's ready.

Hey Rick,

Good title. I actually preferred �Bone Deep�. I feel it has a better ring to it. Not to take anything away from Arty�s suggestion, but �Blood is thicker than water� sounds like a title that�s trying too hard. IMO

I noticed you changed up your first ten pages. Much improved. Your original ten was moving awfully quick but�s that's probably because of the fact it was a short that had to grab our attention within 10 pages.

Your dialogue is good up until page 18 and 19. That scene with Alex and Dr. Simpson I think needs some reworking.

I like the scene with Ferret and Snout, how they  jump inside Alex�s car and immediately bring a heightened sense of danger to the scene. I think you executed that very well.

Pg 32 -                   ALEX
              ...That doesn�t sound like I meant
                it. Look, I�m a Doctor, my son is dying.

You probably missed the word �how�  in there. But even with that, it reads a bit awkward. I would change that for something like.� That came out wrong. Let me start over. I�m a doctor, and my son is dying.�

Damn, Alex is running through a gauntlet of pain. �I likes.

Pg 60 -                ALEX
             Everybody, calm the fuck down!
            Nobody is getting hurt here. It�s
           just a simple fucking operation.
           Give me your hands.

Too many fucks in this. Take out the� fuckin�. It doesn't sound right after the first fuck. Especially considering this guy is suppose to be a fucking doctor�lol

From the moment the gunshot was heard up stairs to the moment the two bodyguards reach the front door. Took wayyy too long. There was a whole exchange of dialogue plus the fact that Alex was dragging the kid from up stairs all the way downstairs to his father. Those guards should have been at the front door by the time he was dragging him down the stairs.

What happen to the duck tape? How come it wasn�t used on Bashkim? He was allowed to just yell out to his men from inside the house, That duck tape should have been sealing his mouth shut awhile ago.

Pg 67 -            BASHKIM
           Go fuck your mother�s vagina.

Doesn�t seem like something a mid 50�s Albanian gangster would say. More of an early to late teen type of comment.

A sniper in a police chopper, in a high speed chase? That be a little overkill on the department�s side. Since when do snipers randomly fly with police choppers if it isn�t military or if there isn�t some kind of hostage situation going on. I cant buy this one�But I read on.

Pg 75 -   tyres�.I�m sure you meant tires.

I�m sure others commented on this�.but dude, you got an entire page completely blank�.lol

Dozens of Police Cars follow him, from the ordinary Police
Cars to large Tactical Assault Unit Vans, armoured vehicles
carrying armoured troops.

I guess the cops don�t play games in the U.K�Maybe the sniper comment wasn�t so far fetched after all.
      
Pg 87 -
             POLICE OFFICER
        ...You do not have to say anything,
        but it may harm your defense if you
       do not mention, when questioned,
       something you later rely on in
       court. Anything you do say may be
       given in evidence

Is this the actual Miranda rights spoken in the U.K?  It�s just a general curiosity. Cause� in the states we got. ..�You have the right to remain silent. You have the right for an attorney. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law��and blah blah blah.. I�m just interested  how other countries have theirs.

I was always wondering why he didn�t just ask him�lol... I liked the fact it wasn�t a happy ending, You kinda� got the impression that these gangsters weren�t the type to just let this shit slide. He should have pulled out a bone saw. That would have definitely solidified the title in a nice little way.

Overall I think you had some real good stuff in here. It was entertaining. I liked the fact you took an ordinary doctor and brought him to the extreme to save his son.  Some parts didn�t work for me. Others scenes pulled me in. With a six week time frame, you did a very good job.

Good luck with it man
Marcello

Was duck tape written in the script? If so, it should be noted that the correct word is duct. A lot of people mistake it for duck, though.

I'm planning to get back to everyone at  some point, just a quick one:

That mother's vagina thing is an actual Albanian insult. I'm sure it sounds better in the original tongue, but I kept it in  for a bit of authenticity.

Might find something better.

Those rights are correct: They got changed recently. You used to have the right to remain silent, now you don't. It was another civil right that got dripped away like over a thousand others in the New World Order Police State we now all live in.

I'm enjoying the script so far. Good characters, clear motive, and it's just starting to ramp up. These are my notes from page 23 - 44.

Pacing is an integral component, especially to a ticking clock thriller. I feel like this second act slowed everything down. I thought of some suggestions to combine scenes in a hope to tighten up the pace, keep that energy flowing, and the clock ticking. I hope they help inspire some new ideas.

…

I like the overt CARICATURES of the three thugs: Ferret, Snout, and Bull. It feels rather PULPY. I like that. The intimidating dialogue was PLAYFUL too. These guys are cliché, sure. But for minor characters I feel it’s appropriate.

An INTERESTING turn of events, as Alex seeks a PI.

I wonder if you could hop into this scene a little later. I’d consider this to avoid repeat information and to limit some on-the-nose dialogue. Maybe PI’s first words are something like, “So his son is the perfect match for yours. What do you want me to do about it?” Then Alex describes his sedation plan. Or you could begin with Larry talking about who the kid’s father is. He recognizes the name from previous jobs. Then he asks how Alex plans to get the bone marrow. The scene could start with new info instead, thus avoiding repeat info from earlier.

For me, the scene overall felt rather clunky. It sets up future events but doesn’t add much. I’d consider trimming this down or re-working it. I guess the main points I gathered are: Larry thinks Alex is twisted, he needs more money to bend the law, and he needs to research our baddie. I think you could touch on each of these points in one brief passage of dialogue from Larry instead. I guess the scene felt more necessary than entertaining or progressive.

I think it would be more compelling if Larry was already familiar with the baddie and he warns Alex instead. That’s why it will cost more - because of the danger. I assume later on (after research) Larry will tell Alex these details anyway. Maybe you could combine these 2 scenes for precision and to keep things moving at a higher clip. After all, we’re supposed to feel more under the clock and this only delays the intensity.

As is, Larry calls Alex in the next scene anyways. Think about the effect of hopping from one location to the next, and how this dulls the energy of the race-against-the-clock scenario. Further consider my suggestion of combining the 2 scenes together. If Larry knows of the Albanian Mafia already (without making a call) he is instantly given more credibility and we trust he will make a good ally for Alex’s cause. Or maybe Larry is Albanian himself? Also, if you choose to ignore the suggested, couldn’t Larry make the call with Alex in the office?

For these same reasons, I will suggest combining the following scenes as well into the first meeting with Larry. For me, Alex doesn’t need to go the bank - only to plunk the money on Larry’s desk in the next. Maybe he could agree to the payment (in the office) and move on from there. Keep that energy going. I don’t want to be distracted by thinking, “Wait, isn’t time supposed to be running out?” This alteration would speed things up considerably. Maybe Alex agrees to the large payment, on the condition they start work immediately since his son is dying and time is of the essence. You could make Alex more desperate and forceful with Larry.

Maybe you could reorder the following scenes. Perhaps after Larry tells Alex of the stakeout plans, he checks his phone messages, and then Alex visits the hospital. (Oh. Maybe switching the mentioned timeframe to “less than 48 hours” will subliminally make it more intense and dire than “2 days”.) After the really EFFECTIVFE hospital stuff, Alex stakes out the wife’s house and spots the boy.

With this suggested rearrangement of scenes it might be best to have Larry’s next conversation take place over the phone, during Alex’s stakeout. I LIKE how you DEMONSTRATE a more desperate shift in Alex with his demand for guns. He could reach into the passenger seat when referring to the money instead. He could have withdrawn it from the bank off-screen. If you place the warehouse scene after the stakeout it would condense the timeframe and make it feel like a lot less time has passed. I think the overall effect would maintain the race against the clock and exponentially heighten the tension.

Confusing? Altered timeline looks like: meet Larry (already knows of Albanians, plan stakeout) – hospital stuff… next day: stakeout – sun sets, phone Larry - see boy with mom – then, warehouse stuff.

I really like this movie’s CONCEPT and its EMOTIONAL STAKES. So I decided to spend the time thinking of this timeline stuff (from a film editor-like standpoint) to help make your movie even more impactful and exciting. I hope you see where I’m coming from. And I hope it helps out.

I just thought of another note that might help us build an immediate connection with Larry and better understand he is motivated by more than money. That note? Maybe Larry lost a child to a similar illness years ago. Maybe he could talk of this before the gangsters show up at the warehouse.

As is, I like how Larry lays out the RISKS and how Alex reacts. I liked the INTENSITY as the gangsters argued about Alex. I’m not sure I like the resolve as much. I was hoping to spend more time with our PI. If Larry disappears, why not have the gangsters kill him. Alex is the only one left alive after a shoot-out. Maybe Larry kills one. Alex survives due to his observational skills, finding the right moment to shift from hiding to attack.

?....

I'll have more notes soon for ya.

Quoted from PrussianMosby The word "accept" doesn't fit to Dr. Simpson and this whole context. He asks him to accept the death of his son? Simpson is smarter than that, because that's stupid and endless insensitive. It's illogical in a humane sense.

I'm not usually one for commenting on other people's comments because we're all entitled to our opinion. Along those lines, I view this differently.

Notwithstanding the fact these two characters are colleagues and friends to a degree, doctors are taught to be clinical and not get emotionally involved when being specific about a prognosis. In that regard they do often appear insensitive.

So, imh, the 'accept' bit is very realistic. It's his clinical evaluation. Plus, it adds to the main character's refusal to accept and fight back.

Thanks again to all for the analysis. Both the heart-warming praise and the excellent criticisms.

Going to respond to each of you, in time.

Quoted from c m hall SPOILERS There are, in my opinion, excellent moments (the prostitute gazing up at the light, then the awful light in the operating room) and the writing is admirably energetic.   There is much visual excitement as Alex fumbles to draw bone marrow from Defrim and later on the chase scene would be entertaining if filmed.  Also, the chunks of dialogue would seem much more lively onscreen.   For me, Alex is not as interesting as the other characters; he's in such a stressed out state (understandable but, for me, one dimensional).  Although I understand that it might be necessary to flatten out his character to make him carry out his mission.   On the other hand, I think the ending is excellent, from Alex in the police car to the final scene, the hope and dread for life and for death are wonderfully precise and all the more deadly for the veneer of calm and civility and that makes the story memorable.

Thanks CM. Good analysis.

Excellent point about Alex. He is a little flat compared to the others, he's an active character in terms of action, but he does tend to be a little passive in conversation. I'll try and buffer him up a bit.

Cheers.

@ Dustin.


Thanks for the analysis (love the way you quote like that as well...makes it exceptionally easy to read).

I've made the changes you pointed out. Appreciate you pointing out the typos as well. I always miss them.

Rick

@ Arty


Thanks for the read. I've removed a lot off the orphans.


Some good points raised. I can see where you're coming form with the sympathy thing, though I think I'll continue in the vein that Alex isn't the typical good guy hero. I want to develop the parallels between him and Bashkim. I like the way their arcs kind of cross, it's unusual and make the story stand out in my opinion.

Of course, it needs developing.

I am thinking of taking out the driving kill.

Might also take out the killing of the Police officers at the end, instead having the first unconscious, and the second just beaten.

And EVEN considered having the guys in the first scene beaten but not killed, so that Alex is the only one who dies in the whole story. I'll ponder that.

Thanks again,

Rick

I think you should consider killing the whole PI thing and build a scene around Alex asking Baskim's permission. Make a big deal of Bashkim saying no.

For me the twist doesn't work because it's too obvious. Most people would ask before doing anything silly.

Plus the PI doesn't really add anything to the film other than filler, IMO. Just something to think about mate.

Desperate measures and an epic car chase.

here are my remaining notes...

The way Alex deals with Bash’s wife was pretty severe. It scared me a bit, as I wasn’t sure how far Alex would go. I’m not sure Bash would head back home to return his kid’s Gameboy. But I’m glad he did. It ramps up the INTENSITY. I wonder if Defrim would have called the police or his dad while Alex scuffled with his mom. Oh, and I’m glad Ferret and his companions make a return.

I wonder why Bash didn’t put up a fight when Alex jumped him. I didn’t think this badass gangster would be so easily subdued by a doctor. That was EXCITING though, once Bash does fight back.

WOW. So that’s why Def didn’t go for a phone. He knows where some guns are. And now he’s armed. That was UNEXPECTED. It looks like he takes after his old man. Ha. I like how you mention something like this in your next description.

I’d consider adding some more dialogue for Alex as he searches all the rooms for Def. Maybe he could explain why he needs Def’s help. He talks of his son - and how Def’s blood is the only cure. Alex just wants some help. The kid could still keep his gun pointed, deciding what to do. If he fires, it just shows how RUTHLESS and apathetic Defrim really is. Like his pops.

The stuff with the gun aimed at Alex was INTENSE. I feel like using INTERCUT will keep that energy flowing even better. For me, the multiple slug-lines slow down the read and hinder the momentum.

Shots fired. And the baddies outside hear them. This just gets more and more EXCITING. I wonder how Alex will take them on and survive. Dang. No pain killers. Nice move to RAMP UP the intensity even more. I liked the EMOTION from Alex, inflicting pain on the child. The thugs banging on the door CRANKS it up. I wonder if they’d just shoot out the lock though.

When Bash threatens Alex’s life, I LOVED the simple response from Alex, “I know.” It says so much. It carries weight. It shows us (even more) that Alex is willing to die if it saves his son. I like how it just gets CRAZIER as Alex leaves the house. Instead of driving to safety, he drives towards police. I love that one cop spots the shattered windshield. A GOOD DECISION from a writing standpoint.  

How long does the sedative last? It seems like Bash freed from his bindings and ready to run. The helicopter adds yet another level of tension. And then Alex fires on the police?! Wow. This behaviour will be hard to excuse in front of a jury or something. Those are some pretty extreme measures. I just hope Alex makes it to his son before the authorities apprehend him.

I like how you hop from scene to scene as the police pursuit gets crazier and crazier. It’s a clear way to show what Alex is fighting for. And why he’s going to these lengths. Plot point issue: how many bullets did Larry give Alex? He’s shooting an awful lot. What happens if he runs out of ammo? Would this make the events even more dire than Alex firing back at police? (I see how you addressed this later.)

I really liked the decision to slow down time as Alex accidently hits the pedestrian. He never wanted to cause any pain on another. Let alone an innocent bystander. Perhaps, Alex could justify his actions when it affected criminals but this sort of action isn’t excusable. A nice moment. I’m glad you thought to include this into the chase set piece. It humanizes this world and the effects of his actions on others.

So the hospital stuff was tied up neatly. Then it’s all winding down, with Alex in custody. And WHAM. Literally. Our plot lines crash into another. Now Alex will have to pay for his actions. Bash and his man abduct without prejudice. This would be something else to watch on the big screen. Great work orchestrating the drama and sombre elements, with the bum-rush kinetic intensity of the masked attack.

I like a lot of Bash’s dialogue with Alex. I wonder if you could tighten it up though. Eliminate some of the smaller notes in favour of the larger ideas. I like how Bash respects Alex’s actions. I’d focus on those elements. It just seems like he talks a bit too long. I have no problem with a longer speech delaying our expectations and creating dread. Just try and make the dialogue more impactful and memorable. Sorry, I don’t have an easy suggestion on this one. I’d say look to Tarantino for inspiration. He delays violence with the best of them - and in a playful, flavourful, memorable way.

That said, I rather enjoyed the bleak ending. That took guts. I also like how you limit Alex’s dialogue here. This is Bash’s moment. I’d consider removing all dialogue. This a great opportunity for an actor to convey emotion without words. Congrats on building a final scene like that.

OVERALL

DEEP IN THE BONE was an entertaining ride with a strong emotional core.

The pacing is tight for the most part. With some rearrangements it could be even tighter. The characters and concept are strong points. I appreciated this more empathy driven mission to save his son. There is enough tension, excitement, and action sprinkled throughout steering the movie clear of obtuse melodrama. The ending combined hope with despair. Our hero’s mission succeeded - but at a cost.

The original title BONE DEEP works better, in my opinion. It gets more to the point of emotion. Love. It’s deeper than any other emotion. We will do anything to protect those we love. I like this strong through-point and how it even extends to our antagonist Bash and his love for his own son.

 

As I go:

Page 1: Love the explosion of violence at the start but I think it would benefit from a slightly bigger moment of calm before the storm. We're moving, moving, moving and then the action kicks off before we stop. Just one more beat before they attack the guards would help, in my opinion.

Page 2: First couple lines of dialogue are probably excessive. The first line could be summed up by "This is Triad territory!", which already implies the rest of the line. And we can tell Bashkim doesn't care, so he doesn't really need to say it.

Page 4: Solid, brutal opening. So the stage is set for a cheerfully xenophobic little thriller in which the fine, upstanding white doctor's life becomes entangled with the nightmare of an animalistic, ethnically/culturally foreign underground filled with murder and rape. I think first of Polanski's Frantic. Or Gina Carano in In The Blood, hahah. What was the plot of that stupid movie? There was some kinda donor twist.

Page 8: Nice. I really like your new handling of this scene. The kid's moved from being a plain jerk to a sympathetic jerk and it works well. I wonder if Alex's intro scene could be used to increase the contrast -- Alex saves lives at work, but he can't save his own son. So I wonder if Alex's intro could place emphasis on this; show us that Alex is used to saving people, to getting his way and stopping death, so that we understand why he can't really face his own son's illness.

Page 10: Just one small visual thought here -- they should be wheeling his son while they talk, and the line "We'll take it from here" should land at the door, a visual border that Alex can't cross.

Page 11: "Must be hard being…" I don't like this line. It seems like a crass thing to say and it's actually just overtly pointing out an irony that's already clear enough in the story you're telling. It also makes the scene weird because the primary question of the scene is, "How is he?" and as is, it gets shoved to the middle. I assume this is an important setup, but it probably doesn't need to happen here.

Page 16: "Maybe you just have to accept…" This line doesn't work for me -- I think it feels too on the nose in a thematic sense. I'm sure if he just said sorry and gave a helpless look, it would have the same sense of finality.
"I don't know how, but I'm going…" Here's another line that doesn't give us anything the story/visual hasn't given already. I think it's perfectly realistic for him to be talking out loud here but to my personal taste, it would work better as a quiet moment, especially as a scene of stillness before the next scene of frantic motion.

Page 17: Gratuitous bod shot. Yes.

Page 19: This scene needs a second tactic. Alex comes in with one tactic (force/bully), maintains it, and eventually wins the scene, which makes it feel flat. I think he needs to switch to an expression of weakness (beg/cajole). Though since we're in a tough-guy thriller, it could even go the other way around.
"As you know, HLAs…" This exposition still feels totally clunky. And is it even necessary? All we need to know for the plot is that a doctor is looking at doctor files to find some sort of match. We'll assume it all makes sense.

Page 20: This premise is super awesome, by the way.

Page 21: Haha wait, what? "I feel weak." "That's to be expected. You take after your father."

Page 23: Alex calls from outside and is answered by a gruff Albanian. Then we go inside and Bashkim eventually answers. Did Alex get transferred?
I know Alex knows that what he's doing is illegal, but I still feel like trying to just steal bone marrow (I assume that's his plan?) is ridiculous. To me, the most obvious tactic is to explain who he is, explain the situation, and then offer a massive amount of money (he is a doctor, after all) for this unknown person's help. He's asking for bone marrow, after all, not a lung.

Page 26: The massage is a great touch that adds a lot to the familiar gangster posturing.
Given that Alex is the aggressor in your premise (he's gonna try to steal the marrow), we might want a reminder here that these guys are REALLY bad. This stuff is relatively light and funny, and maybe it should feel a little more dangerous.

Page 34: Wait, Larry just suddenly agrees to help? This beat needs to be fleshed out a bit, I think.
On a side note, I'd like to see Larry prove himself in some way. We don't really know anything about him. Y'know, he's got a dingy office and everything, but he brilliantly deduces some fact about Alex, or whatever.

Page 38: "Alex, it's now or never." This line moves Simpson from looking the other way from Alex's wrongdoing to straight up encouraging it. Not that that's impossible, but the change seems arbitrary and kinda highlights the way that Simpson's just there to voice stakes and motivation. I think we need more of his personality to come through.

Page 39: Might have been a line left in accidentally? Larry says "Seventy K?", then, "Fifty K?"

Page 41: Larry has two lines in a row here.

Page 45: James really isn't gonna press him on why he got shitkicked?
I'm realizing during this scene that we never saw James learn that his death was a definite, imminent thing. This might be a good scene to include, especially right before the botched gun deal, to up Alex's motivation there.

Page 53: Huh? He saw Alex's face a few days ago, and was subsequently informed that the guy was a weird doctor stalking his son. Why is he asking about Italians?

Page 55: And then, "I know who you are?" Bashkim's dialogue in this scene doesn't make sense.

Page 72: Everything has been fantastic here, by the way, fast and tense, which is why I haven't been commenting. Albanian swearing is a little overdone. The first thing that's bumped me is the police helicopter. Do helicopters with snipers regularly patrol London? If not, how is it in the air so soon after a simple case of reported gunfire?

Page 75: What operation does Dr. Simpsons have planned? As far as we know, the only thing that will help is the bone marrow transplant; as far as he knows, that's never gonna happen.

Page 76: Oh. Simpson's just straight-up prepping for a procedure with illegally obtained bone marrow, eh? Guess he's going down with the ship…

Thoughts:

And a wonderful ending, undercut by the fact that I was thinking "Just ask!" the whole time.

I think there's a fix for this problem that could make your whole story stronger (not that it's not strong -- I'll get this out of the way up front, I enjoyed this. Simple and brutal). What I'd suggest is some kind of sequence where Alex surveils Bashkim, understanding that he's an extremely dangerous man. While there, he sees Bashkim perform some horrible act of violence (at the same time, by the way, this scene should set up Bashkim's particular sense of honour and respect). This is what convinces Alex that he can't talk to Bashkim, as well as giving us another scene of suspense and giving Bashkim more screen time. Finally, it'll help the movie feel more sequential, rather than the current form of lots and lots of buildup and motivation for one major sequence, which in my opinion would be good (not that the current form doesn't work fine, too).

Larry doesn't do much for me, or the story. In the end, he's there for the mom's address, the gun, and the money stakes. These simple functions are disproportionate to his extended screen time. I'd cut him and focus on Bashkim more.

The opening, as I've noted above, sets up a fairly different movie, in my opinion. Triads, gang wars, rape. Given the movie that follows, all extremely gratuitous, and not an effective setup of Bashkim -- what's most important to understand about Bashkim, in the end, is the personality and worldview that pay off in the final scene.

Simpson's fairly ambivalent and expository, as I noted. I think there's a cool opportunity here to really build this guy up as a moral mirror, and I think that we need to get more of a sense of his old, wise friendship with Alex in order for the script to do so. He's a more interesting counterpoint for Alex than is Larry, so I'd cut Larry and focus on him.

I like the stuff with the wife passing away, and would have actually liked to hear more about it. This, to my mind, is the absolute core of Alex's motivation, and while I think it's revealed in the right place, I don't think it gets as much weight as it deserves. When we meet Alex, we wonder why he can't face the obvious fact that his son is dying; halfway through, we come to understand fully why that is -- because he can't let his son down like he did his wife; because he can't let James down again after letting the kid's mother die; because he can't be alone, and James is all he has in the world.

Though most of what I've said above has been critical, I do want to say that I really enjoyed this, and that I really appreciate the way this one goes the extra step morally and doesn't let the audience off too easily. Was very glad to see the death of the young woman.

Yeah. Lots of enjoyable stuff and a great payoff with the big final sequence. Solid work.

Excellent review, Heretic.

Just replying to say that what you suggested happening with watching Bashkim was how I always intended this to go.

After the first twenty pages, I wrote this backwards, started at the end and went back, scene by scene.

On the Friday, I was still twenty pages short, which was the part where this takes place. I couldn't write anymore, so I just threw Larry in to plug the gap.

The secret is out.


Rick

Quoted from DS This was a fast enjoyable read. Heading out in a jiffy so I don't have time to leave detailed notes, but quickly: What I dislike about most of these kind of thrillers: It usually stops when the action stops. You don't get to know what happens after, the goal has been accomplished, is that really all? I think there could be a lot to gain from seeing what James's reaction to all of these events is. I'm not sure how easy it would be to fit it into the story, but I believe it could add something interesting to the story and answer some questions a lot of readers/viewers will have on their mind. Show us the repercussions on both sides. P75: I'm not sold that they'd instantly take him into theatre like that. They give James Dobutamine only on page 85. Shouldn't they have given him an injection on the ward, see if the seizure stops and then take him into theatre? P81+: The nurse seems to be doing the anesthetist's job. You also already referenced a nurse earlier on. Is it the same character? Doesn't seem too likely for the same nurse to be a theater nurse aswell. As stated above, I also vouch for Bone Deep. Thought it was a much better title. Good luck with future drafts, this script has definite potential. - DS

Thanks, DS. Some good notes there that I'll fix up in the re-write.

Maybe I'll do a sequel. A revenge flick where James goes after his Dad's killers.

Bone Deep 2.

Bone Deeper.

@LC

Thanks a lot for the thorough review, and for the praise. It's very much appreciated.

All the best,

Rick