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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2014 One + 6  Week Challenge  ›  The Bunker - 1+6WC - Feature - Sold
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  Author    The Bunker - 1+6WC - Feature - Sold  (currently 4511 views)
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Posted: August 25th, 2014, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 2: I wanna see the Passenger played up here. If "Roger that" is the big moment of foreshadowing, it'd be nice if his face at least twisted into a scowl, or whatever.
The whole intro could be beefed up a bit. Have some tension where we think the teens might actually escape, a couple beats of silence, etc. It feels slightly perfunctory now -- if it's gonna be there, it may as well be big.
"Hell, then we'd all be cooped up together." Hee hee! Nice little wink.

Page 3: "…to film people without their permission?" Expecting this one to pay off later.
"Flouride in the water, chem trails…" This line feels just a little bit like a caricature to me (I think the rest is handled well). I have a lot of conspiracy people in my life and I find that they generally tend to have a specific couple stories -- even if they believe all that stuff, they don't tend to laundry list it, as they know how it sounds. But, anecdotals aside, I do think this one line seems a little excessive.
"You would look so adorable…" Just a random thought here; since the intention (I assume) is to establish North's paranoia as the status quo, it might be better to have a line here that signals an old joke rather than a new one; something like "I keep meaning to get you that tinfoil hat" could cement this nicely.

Page 6: Since the paranoia's gonna pay off in this scene, two thoughts. One, it might be nice to establish the paranoia in the previous scene, so there's a bit of time between setup and payoff. Two, it'd be nice to make it really clear that North's paranoia is what saves them. I don't think the gas should really hit until Dana's back in the car; then they see the old woman; Dana urges North to get out and help, why is he hesitating?; but North is correctly suspicious as other people rush out to help, and they therefore get away. That's just an example, but my main point is that since North's paranoia saves them, it should be made really clear that our protagonist succeeds where others fail because of this particular quality.
Eli films panicked people clawing at their bleeding eyes? Haha, what a creepy little asshole. I'm assuming all this footage pays off at the end or whatever, but right now the kid kinda seems like a sociopath.

Page 8: So in fact you do have the paranoia beat that I was talking about above. It feels misplaced to me because I think the sequence is organized just slightly awkwardly. There's an all-hell-breaks-loose moment, then a character moment (refusing to open the door for Ron), then quiet tension (the police lineup). So North's big choice -- not trusting the police, turning away from the police lineup -- has relatively small stakes, because he makes the right choice and saves them during what is essentially the denouement of the sequence. Instead, he should make the right choice -- not trusting the police, running away despite Dana's protestations -- immediately BEFORE all hell breaks loose. That way, when all hell breaks loose, it shows us that the stakes for North's choice were actually huge.
On a side note, I really like that even though North makes the right choice, he does so for partially dubious reasons (they're gonna experiment on us or something!).

Page 9: Speaking of Dana's protestations, she seems to be getting shuttled into the hysterical female role. She mostly complains, hyperventilates, and is wrong. Not diggin' her so far.

Page 11: Can put way more into this beat (North being persuaded). This is the first act decision, I assume, so it should be a big deal -- why, specifically and exactly, is our protagonist going to go all the way from "Mind already made up" to "Get inside!" in a couple pages? He needs to see something in the couple, or they need to reveal something to him, that allows this beat to happen and that, ideally, reveals something about North.

Page 14: Regarding the above -- once they're in the bunker, Jon and North kinda bond over their mutual er, American millenialism. I think this, in some way, is what needs to happen outside, to get Jon and Maggie in. There'd then be some quite effective irony, I think, in that the qualities North appreciates in Jon are qualities that (I assume) eventually become part of what makes Jon dangerous.

Page 17: No landline in the bunker?

Page 22: Full check of what now? We already established that contact outside is important -- the first thing they did was talk cellphones. They're not gonna try the radio right away?

Page 23: I think the wire-cutting lands too early. It basically removes all the tension as we now know that we've got a simple bad-guys-and-good-guys-trapped-together scenario. Scenes like the previous one (Maggie with the pills) are great, but they're great specifically because we don't know, exactly, what anyone's intentions are. As soon as we see the wire cut, we know that one group are out-and-out bad guys, and it kinda takes the fun out of the mystery. For me.

Page 34: Do mid-30s, university-educated women really talk about Kanye and Kim's baby? I have no idea, I'm just curious. Or maybe this is an indicator of Maggie's immaturity.

Page 36: North is being a douchebag here. We know why, but Dana doesn't. I wish she'd tell him off and/or quit being a neurotic pushover. This is good in the sense that we've got some interesting insight into the life of an extremely troubled woman, but that's severely at odds with A) Who our protagonist is supposed to be and B) What our genre is supposed to be. (By "supposed to be" I mean, as indicated by the first act.) North is becoming very specifically unlikeable.

Page 38: Good moment here with the "family tableau" of North, Maggie, Eli. I'd push this further -- describe specifically how it looks, what they're doing.

Page 39: "I was just trying to get a signal." North would/should ask if there is a signal, and then immediately verify Jon's answer.

Page 40: You know, I think I'd prefer it if this was the Maggie affair reveal. It seemed a little early when it came, and it'd be cool if it was here anyway, a reveal motivated by aggression. Plus, the previous scene with Maggie and North alone together could be really interesting if it didn't reveal everything.

Page 41: Little does anyone suspect that Jon is actually texting Lorenzo Lamas from SNAKE EATER! …but seriously, I'll buy the "real estate agent" line, but only if Jon explains that it's a cute little joke between them, and only if he acts sincere, rather than weird. The only way this moment can work is if Jon acknowledges that it sounds like a ludicrous excuse.

Page 47: T.M.I. indeed.
There's something either deeply, blackly comic about a mid-rape flashback, or something just completely inappropriate. I'm not sure which. Given the general tone of the film, probably the latter.

Page 53: I don't buy the suicide because I don't buy Maggie being out of options. She has nothing to lose by going to North, who has all the power in the bunker. The reason that she needs to maintain the fiction with Jon is tenuous in the first place (or possibly nonsensical; why couldn't she have just pretended to be a stranger alone, again?); it's certainly not enough for her to not go to North now. The pregnant suicide attempt is gonna kill pretty much everybody's sympathy for her completely, would be my guess. The rape was appropriately horrific but based on her character up to this point, and her options at this point, I'm not sure I buy the response.

Page 56: Jon's motivations seem a little confused at this point.
North leaves?! Immediately after she apologized for bringing Jon in? Even if he didn't catch that, leaving when she just tried to kill herself is super freakin' cold. The only way to sell this beat -- maybe -- is that Eli appears at the door and the parents have to rush him away from the situation.

Page 58: Literally no reason Maggie shouldn't tell North about Jon right now.
Why is there reception now, especially when Jon couldn't even get it above earlier?

Page 59: "Did you have sex with that man?" That's the first thing he's gonna ask about? On a side note, "How do you explain that, huh?!" is a pretty obnoxious tone to take with someone who just tried to kill themselves.

Page 60: "Promise me you won't say or do anything." What? Why? Again, North has all the power here. Maggie's behaviour might make sense in an abusive relationship with established patterns, but she just met this guy.

From here on, I basically just can't stand that they don't shoot Jon in the leg and tie him up. Maggie thinking about trusting the man who just raped her is ridiculous, and North sneaking around instead of confronting Jon really confuses me. Jon revealing the plot is also a little odd, though that's a movie staple, I suppose.

Thoughts:

Well, I'm all for angry political polemics, but I think this one gets in its own way a little bit.

I suppose the central premise is fine, as it fits your Burgh-ian focus of keeping the public eye on matters and acts of government. It's all a little bit arbitrary -- the government's just kinda doing "something bad" and covering it up -- and it's not particularly clear how or why "big" government is the problem, except for those who see this sort of thing as a logical or inevitable outcome of bigger governments (maybe that's who it's for, though; maybe the script's not trying to convince anyone of anything). To me, it would be more fun if the whole thing was somehow very specifically Obama's fault, and that's only slightly facetious (the Obama part is a joke, but the rest is serious; if the script's gonna blame "big government" it should really go for it).

The script's somewhat interwoven secondary concern of firearms possession, though, gets a little undercut by the plot, to my mind. Hilariously, the family ends up menaced by their own guns -- precisely the sort of situation that's frequently brought up by proponents of more prohibitive gun ownership.

Finally, to follow Burgh a bit further, maybe we're getting an examination here of private vs. public wrongs; eye on government, but individuals solving their own problems. The thing about that is that North and Dana are both awful, awful people (I lost any sympathy for Dana when she was haranguing a recent rape victim, on a side note, I didn't mention that), and their myriad problems aren't solved at all except that Maggie conveniently takes a bullet to the head.

I think there are lots of ingredients here for a fun, angry little thriller -- I'd put this script in the same vein as Olympus Has Fallen (which I liked), trading the flag-waving, racist jingoism of that film for gun-clutching paranoia. Logical lapses abound, some reasonable, some that demand significant rewrites, in my opinion.

I havent quite gotten my head around what's going on with Maggie and the rape. She certainly gets a bad deal here -- impregnated, spurned, raped, rebuked, and shot in the head. The script is not generally kind to women, with Eli proving a lot more useful than his silly and hysterical mother throughout the film, but it seems to have a particular grudge towards Maggie that I find a little inexplicable, especially as it seems to let North off the hook. At least her flesh wasn't eaten by stray dogs at the end, I suppose.

I like the story; I don't like the characters; I think the most important thing here is to clarify exactly what the script is railing against. The story's got some satisfying moments, but that crowd chanting at the end isn't gonna pay off unless we know exactly why we should feel like chanting along with them.

Since I mostly talked about portrayals of gender and politics, please note that if I've said anything, er, incendiary, I'm talking specifically and only about the way I've read things in the script. I wouldn't presume to have any knowledge of your real-life politics and, regardless, I certainly wouldn't comment on them.
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It took me a minute but here are the rest of my notes for THE BUNKER.

For me, the set-up had a lot more intrigue than the resulting action. The remaining pages were paced rather well. But The End felt pretty anti-climactic. Congrats on finishing this challenge and creating an interesting premise. Check out these notes I took while reading the script to better understand these comments.

I hope this feedback helps you out during the rewriting process………

The agent development complicates the isolation scenario. It adds another dimension so the viewers don’t get bored or complacent. I didn’t expect the agent to be Jon’s daughter. Maybe that’s a lie – along with the real estate addition? I feel like he wouldn’t have his daughter listed as Agent - unless it’s some sort of inside joke between them (if so, consider mentioning this in dialogue). For me, this reads like a subtle clue that you’ve given to suggest his deceit. Regardless, I like how this tests North’s loyalty – will he tell the others?

The lies continue. Eli has to keep a secret from his mom – about the sliced cable. I guess I’m just beginning to unravel the underlying theme here. Deception. Who lies and for what reason? And how trust is tested under extreme isolation and distress. Interesting subject matter. Let’s see how far you explore this territory.

The dry hump stuff could have been embellished further. It’s not like I –want- to see rape, but I feel like it would increase the stakes here. Jon forces himself upon Maggie, begins to dry hump, silences her, then lowers his pants and rapes her. It seems like you pushed us slightly, maybe you should knock us over instead. There are also ways to suggest this without showing the aggressions on full display. Regardless, Jon is developing into a nasty antagonist. This scene makes it clear cut – Jon is not to be trusted. He will endanger them all.

For me, this flashback is unnecessary. It tells us everything too blatantly. I assumed as much by now anyways. Leave this mystery up to the viewers. Maybe North discovers this truth later on instead during a confrontation? The dialogue within this scene is also too on-the-nose. Maggie explains her secrets to Jon without provocation. Why would she tell this to a stranger she just met? Wouldn’t she be more likely to change the subject and ask Jon what he is doing here? She could say something like, “I know them. That’s why I’m here. So… why are you here?”

Like I said, I feel like the mystery works better if you don’t reveal how these 2 met with a flashback. For me, it would make more sense that once she sees North and family she tells them she doesn’t know this guy. Or at least mention this to North once their inside the bunker. She could be interrupted before she reveals who Jon is. Jon could walk in, thus silencing her. North is denied the answer and, like us, is wondering who Jon really is then.

I like how North scans the old footage to see who cut the cable. He sees Jon. I think this is a better way to create intrigue and slowly build the mystery of Jon’s identity. If you cut the flashback out, I think this scene here would play out even better.

I’d consider cutting the scene where Jon walks by naked and talks with Dana and North. There isn’t a lot of conflict or plot revealed. It seems like it’d be better if Jon walked by and North just shook his head and exhaled in frustration. Maybe Dana asks what’s wrong – North keeps it to himself – they sleep. This would add another secret that isn’t shared – building on the running theme.

I think you could further embellish some emotion during the kitchen scene with Maggie and Jon. Jon returns, and I feel like Maggie should flinch on sight, retracting away, rising from her seat on the counter, and backing up. (Maybe holding the pills behind her back – excising the rest of this scene with the assumption that she already took those pills). Jon would smirk or laugh under his breath at this – showing us how he feels about that same experience – where she is frightened and traumatized; he is perverse, sadistic, and psychotic.

I feel like this added flinch would show us how scared she is. After the rape, I feel like she should react a bit more frightened upon seeing him. It’s not like she’s been held captive for days by this madman and sexually assaulted multiple times - to the point where she is unaffected and numb. I feel like in this scene there is a non-reaction. This is a chance to create a strong bond and emotions with a strong reaction.

The following moments have Maggie sleeping and groggy in the kitchen. It felt like an awkward transition from one scene to the next. I wonder if Maggie could cower into a corner, after Jon walks by. Maybe consider an Ext. shot to establish the passage of time. Then we return to her groggy awakening, still in that same corner of the kitchen.

I like the bathroom stuff with Maggie overdosing. I wonder if some elements could be improved. What woke Jon to have him rush the hallways? Why is he concerned with her health suddenly? Maybe he awakens to the commotion in the bathroom instead. The first we see of him is when he barges into the bathroom. I would also give Dana some more screen time here. Maybe she awakens from the same commotion and sees Maggie in trouble. Then Jon barges in with the pills. This mention of overdosing causes Dana to panic. As is, it seemed like she panicked too quickly. Maybe you could show her rising from the bed after North leaves. I like the tension that brews from these events. I just feel they could mesh together better.

Once Jon and Maggie are alone maybe he could ask her, “What did you tell him about me?” Then he can get more aggressive and order to get the gun. I feel like showing us that he worries about his lie will let us accept his behaviour better. An intense moment to be certain. Jon’s dialogue also further suggests that he is an agent on assignment and the agent he contacted was in fact an agent. This is intriguing. I wonder what North is wanted for or what the larger picture is.

I wonder if the Maggie and North conversation goes on a little long. I like the idea that he knows Jon and Maggie had sex. He just thought it was consensual. I like that he can’t tell her that he spied on them. I wonder if Maggie should reply to his question with a simple, “I didn’t want to”. I wasn’t a fan of the line in the script, “he forced himself on me.” I feel like she would have a harder time saying exactly what happened. Especially this soon after. Her emotions should be fresh and more dangerous. North could realize what this (more vague dialogue) means - just as he does already - and react with anger.

I’d consider tightening up this section overall. I feel like when North learns that Maggie and Jon never met before it should feel more like a revelation. He has a stranger in his bunker - one that raped the pregnant Maggie – pregnant with his own child. Make sure this stuff lands with impact. Make sure we realize that North just learned all of these secrets, even though we knew of them already. AND it looks like there’s another secret to be kept. It’s a really compelling scenario you have here. I feel like it just needs more fine tuning, which is expected of a 1st draft. I’m just pointing out some specific situations that I feel I can comment on constructively.

I like that Dana obsesses over the footage. I like that she confronts North about Maggie. Some dialogue could be excised here. Now, consider the effect if Dana locks the communication room. This conversation would be behind closed doors. They would feel much more separated. He would want to talk to her face to face. Also, Dana can’t leave the bunker to get some space or get away from North. This is the next best thing. She locks herself in a room. The most important room. Consider the impact of this alteration.

Soon enough, North might NEED to use the radio or that room. But he first must convince Dana to forgive him. Or maybe he can get Eli to convince Dana to open the door. I think the locked door alteration would heighten the tension and up the stakes. As is, Dana forgives North immediately without much convincing needed at all. Maybe the lack of sleep and her turbulent emotions would make it much harder for her to forgive. This would also give you another excuse to lock the door. These other issues addressed in their conversation or in the next scene could occur later on instead.

I like that we get to see the outside world. I wonder if you should take the time here to embellish the danger of the outside. Show us more areas of devastation and violence before we see the agents. As is, it’s a very brief scene. You chose to break the isolation of the bunker to show us an exterior. I feel like there should be a better excuse to break this hard-earned claustrophobic atmosphere. What I mean is, give us something of a spectacle to better excuse this breakaway. I like the developing agent story though. I wonder where this new direction will take us. Why is North or his bunker so important? Maybe he has a good reason to be so paranoid?

To give Eli a more important role, I’d consider the alteration to have him on a solo mission into the control room. He convinced Dana to let him in. Now, that he’s alone, and on the task he spots the helicopter and uses the radio. I’d like him to have his own moment here without alerting North about what’s going on. While North confronts Jon, he has no idea that helicopters are arriving outside.

During Jon’s confrontation, North should ask why they are out to kill him. Why is he so important? He should outright say what we’re all thinking. Not that Jon has to answer or be truthful with his reply. I see how you address this a moment later. I feel like this should be the first thing North says. You could also have Jon say he wants Eli’s camera or the footage he recorded earlier. I like that you concentrate our attention on the camera in Eli’s hands as a suggestion. Maybe you could make that more clear.

I think these events would be even more intense if Eli films from the hallway. North and Jon don’t know he’s there. We still see the camera in his hand, and gather what that suggests. I would cut out Eli and North’s brief dialogue together. I believe this would make the events more intriguing, as we would fear for Eli’s safety. This would also further suggest that what Eli films is important and could be used against the mysterious powers that be. That said, I like how all these events and secrets are beginning to collide together before they crash.

The gun stuff with Dana was intense too. She’s too unreliable so it makes me nervous. This would be even more exciting to watch. I wonder if there’s a better excuse to get the gun in her hands. “Hold this while I tape up the bad guy” doesn’t quite cut it, for me. I like how Eli gets another scene in the comm room.  This gives Eli more responsibility. He’s a hero on his own mission. Like father, like son. This is more evidence for why I think you should keep Eli separate – he shouldn’t share the screen with his dad in these scenes. I like the idea that he’s a miniature sneaky spy agent.

Larry from London – that is convenient. I like that we get an even further outsider’s view on this disaster. I wonder how pivotal Larry’s role will be. As is, he kind of pops out of nowhere. If he does become more important (like I assume) maybe you can weave him in better. I wonder if he should be an eccentric minor character with some sort of manic behaviour or visual ticks. This would make him more memorable and his scenes more entertaining. While this is a chance to add some humour, I don’t know if you want any in here.

.......MORE.......


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....MORE.....

Dana is left holding the gun again. I feel like you could remove her earlier moment then, and save this situation for here. Since there were no mistakes earlier, we feel a little safer with Dana. I’d prefer the unknown here. Like before we don’t know if she should be trusted with the weapon.

I wonder how Eli’s footage hit the web? Maybe he could record all of these events with his own phone instead to clear away any confusion. If he has a signal he can connect. Since Jon was able to text, we can accept that the video can be sent as well. As is, I wonder how Jon’s phone physically connected to the camera and how the footage was converted to a shared file format. These are technical plot issues so maybe this is just movie magic at work. For me, I’d rather not be distracted by potential plot holes. That said, I like the idea that Eli is so important. His footage hits the web and spreads the truth to fight the misinformation / propaganda.

It seems like Larry is an important figure in this aspect. Maybe you could introduce his character earlier. Like maybe Larry is already a ham radio friend of Eli’s – having met weeks ago. Maybe Eli can ask his dad if he can talk with Larry once they enter the bunker earlier on? This way we already know Larry and he feels less like a rather convenient “deus ex machina”.

I like that Dana and Maggie have their own moral dilemma to consider. Who to trust. I feel like Maggie should be a bit more apprehensive since Jon treated her so badly (and, you know, -raped- her). And Dana should be more likely to believe Jon – since she has been lied to by North and Maggie, and is irrational due to heightened stress. I’d actually like to see Maggie take advantage of the situation. Since Jon is bound and defenseless she could physically abuse him a bit – like a violent interrogation. Consider reworking this debate.

I’m glad that you included a moment like this though. I guess I would just prefer more embellishment here. Maybe Dana could point the gun at Maggie to stop her beating of Jon. If I saw that I would be scared. Since I don’t trust her emotions, I’d be worried her gun might go off even due to accident if not due to her panic. I’d consider something like these suggestions at least. Milk the tension even more – especially if they free Jon or he frees himself (during the women’s argument).

I see that Jon does free himself soon after. This would be even more intense if you used my previous suggestions because we would feel like Maggie might just pull that trigger to get revenge on Jon and stop him from hurting anyone else. That said, this was an exciting moment.

Wow. So Maggie handing the gun over would be even more disturbing if she was about to pull that trigger. She decides personal revenge isn’t worth the group’s safety. Maybe Jon will help? And then BLAM he shoots her down. I didn’t expect that. It happens so quickly too. Shocking stuff. Nice work. Now consider the amplified effect if you incorporated some suggested additions.

Jon has quite a long speech. There are some powerful statements within the dialogue. Consider isolating these moments and highlighting them. Maybe North or Dana can interject, thus breaking up that long passage of dialogue. If Jon tells us his opinion in sections I feel like they will carry more weight. Instead, we get a string of ideas, burying their individual intentions. It’s a lot to absorb all at once. Maybe North can direct the conversation based on his interjections.

I like the theme of social media. And it’s importance in breaking news in this brave new world. Journalists are going extinct in this modern era. It’s hard for us to find the truth. But we also have a benefit of cameras everywhere. I like how you show that Eli used his prowess with the older tech (radio) to connect with Larry who uses the modern tech (social media). In a way, you’re saying regular citizens have more power. It’s harder for the government to bury news stories or keep nefarious secrets.

As a metaphor, we’ve all been living in a bunker (previous generations) but now with the Internet connecting us all we break out of that (analogous) bunker and see the world above (or the larger picture of government manipulation and the truth). If we don’t think for ourselves, we’re closing ourselves off, we’re putting up walls, we’re placing ourselves in an isolated bunker controlled by fear.

From the description I thought that “they” referred to the strike team. I was wondering how they entered the bunker no problem. It seems a lot more difficult to blow up the whole bunker area than to simply pop the hatch and enter with soldiers. This would also avoid the protesters’ cameras from recording them blowing up a bunker and killing the family within.

North fights Jon in the stairwell. This is intense stuff. It’s what the audience has been waiting for – a head on confrontation. But it falls flat for me. The end result? Jon shoots North in the shoulder. And still ends up marching the family up the stairs. This is the same result as if North didn’t fight.

The end is lackluster. The family walks out at gunpoint by Jon. The military et al back away for some unknown reason, and all is well. No dialogue between our group or from the soldiers. The last words are the protesters. I like the idea that the people made the government back down. But it happened with little effort, struggle, or obstacles. Maybe something more exciting would be more satisfying.

I would like to see a more eventful fight at the end. Maybe North gets the upper-hand despite being shot. Maybe North gets shot in the chest instead. But he’s so paranoid he’s wearing a Kevlar vest. We never knew that. It happened off screen. He had it stashed in the bunker for a situation like this. He thought of everything. So BLAM Jon shoots North in the chest, we think he’s dead, he’s not. North jumps Jon, the family exits the bunker. North gets the upper-hand, pummelling Jon. We think North’s free. He exits. And Jon lunges at him for an exterior scuffle under watch of protesters, cameras, the soldiers and agents, and the world via social media.

The antagonist goal was to stop the footage. It’s too late for that now. It’s on the Internet already. So is the family truly set free? Does the government still need to bomb the bunker or silence its inhabitants? Why didn’t they leave the area once the info hit the Web?

I suppose the ticking clock scenario was the government threatening to blow up the bunker. Although we never got a specific timeframe for that – like you have 1 hour until we detonate explosions. I wonder if you could throw in another beat the clock scenario that could occur earlier in the movie. Like maybe their oxygen equipment gets damaged and they will run out of air X amount of hours. Or Maggie’s baby is due any moment and they aren’t experienced enough to deliver it. This inclusion could add some tension earlier as Jon tries to keep up the ruse that they are a couple AND that North fears for his new child’s safety.

IN SUMMARY

THE BUNKER is filled with tension and suspicions. It moves along at a decent clip. There is a lot of deceit and lies within those walls. There is the threat that at any moment a secret could be exposed. I think a little more could be done in that regard. A little more embellishment could really heighten the excitement. Once you have secrets introduced, I feel like other characters should discover them.

The characters are all pretty even. Not one stands out much more than the other. While there was some conflict between the group, it was never fully explored. It seems like you breezed over some of the more intriguing elements – like Dana and Maggie upon learning of North’s relationship, the reveal of Jon’s identity, the government’s knowledge of North and Eli’s camera, etc.

The ticking clock scenario was rather light. I never sensed the urgency of they need to do so-and-so before X time passes. I feel like you could make some easy alterations to achieve this. I’d like to see North be more hands-on in tackling obstacles. A lot is solved by Eli instead – who I thought was a good character. I would consider focusing on the child more – he records the footage, he works the comms, he contacts Larry, he uploads the footage – so his actions are impactful, but his emotions and dialogue aren’t fully explored.

There is a familiar premise here. The inside world vs the outside. Isolation. Paranoia. But I feel like these elements aren’t exploited or developed to their full potential. I suppose for me this bunker premise just could have been better – more: excitement, action, paranoia, thematic content, and subtext. While I was never bored, I kept expecting something important or exciting to happen.

THE BUNKER is an uneven psychological thriller that explores paranoia and the Big Brother aspects of government. There is some interesting social commentary, but the film is ultimately light on the thriller / action elements.


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dead by dawn
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really think this met the requirements of a man in his 50's racing against time to beat the clock.  The main protagonist was contained to a bunker and was never forced to go after anything.  Despite the requirements not being met, The Bunker managed to keep my attention some what - but ultimately, I wasn't blown away.  Let me discuss what I did and did not like. . .

I never felt a sense of danger throughout any of the story.  There's some sort of crazy outbreak that happens, but our protag conveniently has gas masks in the car for every single person?  That's too convenient.  I don't like when characters get off so easy.  If characters get off easy, things start to get boring.

I don't think I started to get interested in The Bunker until page 31, which is far too late in the game for me.  I like to be hooked within the first 5-10.  I normally check out around the 25-30 pages point if nothing good is happening, but then you introduced us to the fact that North and Maggie are having an affair and that Maggie might be pregnant with his baby.  This became an interesting predicament, because having a man trapped in a very small location with his wife, child, and pregnant mistress, can lead to some very entertaining scenes.  

The only problem was that it felt like it was the only main conflict going on and when you have a contained anything, you need to have a lot of shit going on, because contained anything can get real boring real fast if things aren't constantly switching up or changing.  There should be something fresh happening every 5-10 pages - 15 at the max.

Going back to the crazy outbreak that happens in the beginning, something tells me that we could of had a whole lot more fun with that than going the low budget route of containment.  I never felt like these characters were in real peril or that their lives were on the line.  The outside craziness never really played a big, threatening part in anything.  The only thing we had to worry about was Jon's agenda and whether Dana was going to find out about North and Maggie's affair.  It just wasn't enough for me, and combined with a number of other issues (like a lack of goals, stakes and urgency...among other things), The Bunker ended up being a bit of a disappointment.
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Don
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sold!  to Lykos Film

note: 1+6WC - This was a script that came about as a result of a 7 week challenge.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Good news.
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khamanna
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, look at you go! Congrats!! I haven't read the script, look forward to watching it someday though)
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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That's awesome. Congratulations. =)


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats! Great news!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Very, very cool - congratulations.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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And picked up from here too.  

Go Dena! My film partner!  I can brag, right?  


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 16th, 2018, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Writing

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Congrats.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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LC
Posted: February 17th, 2018, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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Splendiferous news!  Your hard slog is paying off, Dena.

P.S. I see they are an Italian prod co?


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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 17th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Way to go Dena!


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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