The Bunker by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Thriller - During a biological disaster, a family shares their survival bunker with a mysterious couple and their safe house becomes a cell of terror.  105 pages - pdf, format

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Sold!  to Lykos Film

note: 1+6WC - This was a script that came about as a result of a 7 week challenge.

- Don

SPOILERS

This is an exciting story, great use of the bunker environment and mentality -- the character development is impressive and the plot twists are well timed and effective.

You use Fear so well, it's practically got dimension and a scent -- but you don't let it overpower the story.

EXTRA SPOILER ALERT

I love the ending!

If you revise, I found the dropped "g's" in the dialogue to be distracting.   And not necessary.

And somehow, you've got to make the logline more inviting.  In my opinion this could be a very entertaining, successful film.  Yay!

I absolutely love the sound of this one. I'm flying off to my sister's wedding tomorrow, but I will definitely give this one a spin when I return on Sunday.

Howdy, Dena.  Congrats on completing another script!  And, to think you started 2 different ones in the first week, and then wrote this entire script in 6 weeks is beyond impressive.

You and I are friends, so I hope and assume nothing I say is going to upset you. With that in mind, I read the first 13 pages, and stopped just as the group entered the bunker.

Here are my initial thoughts and observations…

This type of contained thriller is not my cup of tea, sorry to say.  The fact that you only have 4 characters (if more get intro’d later, I think that’s a good thing) is even less entertaining to me.  I’ve seen too many of these and this starts off pretty much exactly as many do, and feels rather cliché.  I understand there is a market for this type of script, as it’s rather easy and cost efficient to film, and actually, numerous such scripts get turned into decent, good, and/or successful little films, so maybe you’re on to something. It’s just not what I find entertaining as there’s just too few ways to go.

Characters – Hard to say, since I’m out after the intro and setup, but no one really jumps off the page for me, even though you definitely gave each person some life and unique (to them within this script) traits and personalities.  The problem, again, is that I’ve seen all these types so many times and it just has a cliché feel in that you set out to give each something to distinguish them from each other.

North is the paranoid leader and wants to be in charge, but appears to be a good husband and Dad.  Dana has a medical issue and seems to have it together as wife and Mom.  Eli is the annoying teen who’s going to film everything, but seems like a rather normal, good kid.  Jon appears to be a mystery at this point with his gun, while his wife Maggie is prego and appears to be a nice person.  I could be very wrong, but even your logline seems to telegraph that Jon and Maggie aren’t who they say they are or seem to be.

As I said above, the story itself has been done to death and it will be very difficult for you to bring anything new to the table, but who knows…maybe you have?  I just have a pretty good idea how this will play out and although I do foresee twists and attempted turns, I doubt I’d actually be surprised by any of them.

Let’s jump into the writing and hopefully, I can help you out a bit here.

You’re a good writer and we all know that.  However, you have multiple Slug issues, lots of typos and the like, and maybe most importantly, the writing itself isn’t very visual, and the timing is off throughout what I read.

OK, so we start off with a train rumbling down a “rail line”. You say “army snipers line the roof”, but I don’t know what that really means.  Are army snipers on top of every box and freight car?  How many cars are on this train?  How many snipers?  Does it matter?  Maybe not, but as written, I have absolutely no idea.

So, then we go to a “ridge”, where 2 teens are on ATV’s.  You chose not to name these 2, nor do you give them any life or spend much time on what they’re doing, and I think that’s a mistake, as everything happens way too quickly and really doesn’t make much sense how their game of chicken could wreck an entire train.  Sometimes, it’s the little things that either really work or really make it impossible to visualize what exactly is going down…or supposedly going down.

You throw in a few annoying asides, but skip all the visual details that could have given this scene some power, which, again, IMO, is a mistake.  I can’t for the life of me picture exactly what’s supposed to happen here and how a train track is right below this steep drop off and how a fallen ATV could cause an avalanche that wipes out the entire train.  Nor can I understand why these 2 teens would do such a completely idiotic thing – now, if 1 crashed on accident or the like, it wouldn’t be such an issue, but to play chicken and basically just trash an expensive ATV for no reason is rather foolish..but hey, their kids, right?  Kids do dumbass stuff.

But from here, it gets very problematic, as you play director and go to a CLOSE UP of the teen’s faces, and write, “OH SHIT!”.  Some may enjoy this, but trust me, others will not.  It’s a calculated risk and it’s on Page 1.

I don’t know how 1 of the teen’s takes a picture of “the wreckage”, as I didn’t know there was any wreckage yet.  They both get on the surviving ATV and away they go, as if this is all taking place immediately. I mean, as they race off, there’s an explosion, followed immediately by a vaporous mushroom cloud, and in the next line, their faces are blistering – and this is all on Page 1!

My advice is to slow this down and take your time.  It can be an exciting, powerful, action packed scene – and most likely, the only such scene in the whole script.  Milk it.  Work it.  Let us enjoy it.  IMO, this initial intro could easily play out over 3 pages…and most likely, should.

So, then we go to this generic “office” scene and meet our main Protags.  This plays out almost 3 pages and is rather dull, to be honest.  Then, you go to an INT car scene that plays out a page and a half before anything of interest happens – meaning, you chose to show your exciting opening scene in 1 page, and then your “get to know you” dull office and car scenes over 5 pages.

This is when the Slug problems raise their ugly heads.  On the bottom of Page 5, there are numerous obvious EXT things taking place, but you don’t change the Slug. Then much less than ½ a page later, Dana is back from picking up her scripts.  Really?  When time passes and you don’t show what’s happening the whole time, a new Slug shows this.  Without it, it doesn’t make any sense.

From here, you have both INT and EXT scenes playing out, but we’re still in the same INT car scene we started back on Page 4.

I don’t buy the fact that North would “stash” gas masks under the seat of his wife’s car – what kind of car is this that 3 or more gas masks fit under the seat?   Now, if it’s a big SUV, there is plenty of room in the rear for such stashing, but you didn’t tell us what the car looks like at all, which again, is a lack of visual writing that hurts the read.

It’s interesting that this INT DAN’S CAR scene runs from Page 4 to Page 8 and then the new Slug you use, is the exact same Slug we’re already in, which obviously is a mistake.  Also interesting is that right before the “new” Slug, you now tell us it’s an SUV they’re in – do this immediately.  Always set your scene immediately and you’ll find everything is much easier and clearer, as well.

For me, the dialogue that follows is incredibly OTN and rather weak and unbelievable.  Later on , you use “slangs” by omitting the last letter of the word, which is fine, but when you do this, you need to use an apostrophe to show it’s not simply a typo.

On Page 9, you go to another new Slug – BUNKER.  Is this really the bunker, or as you say, a silo in a grassy field?  I’m not sure, but again, using detailed Slugs helps visualize the setting.  Is the bunker on their property?  DO they live on a farm?  IMO, if this is true, it would be smart to start here, as opposed to the generic office, which shows us nothing at all.

There’s some awkward writing that follows and then more unfilmables and asides that don’t help, IMO.

Just 1 actual example that may help about incorrect Slugs – On Page 10, we’re in INT DANA’S CAR Slug, and the last line reads, “He puts on the brakes, the car skids to a stop.”  We can’t see the “car” skidding to a stop if we’re inside the “car”.  And, is it a car or an SUV?  It makes quite a difference.

The rest of what I read just doesn’t quite work, IMO, as written.  The dialogue, the lack of visual descriptions, etc.  Nothing terrible by any means, but at this point, I decided I wasn’t going to continue and would stop at the next break.

I don’t meant to be harsh, as you know, and hope this helps and makes sense.  Best of luck to you, Dena…hope this works out in another option for you.

Take care.

Thanks you guys .... this little script is getting some interest on InkTip as well as the blacklist site...I threw it up on Saturday for the hell of it. Crossing fingers.  I know it needs work for sure! Anything you write in six weeks will need some work!

Hey Dena,

hope the interest in this script pans out. I think you did a pretty good job here. Maybe the best feature I've read of yours so far.

I wouldn't call this a thriller. More like a drama with some exciting stuff at the end. It also felt a little too light for me. That is just a personal preference though. C M seems to love it and I can see a lot of women feeling the same about this. I felt it was sort of like a Lifetime movie when we get to the sobby parts around the middle.

The story is fine. We've kind of seen it before with the big bad government trying to do cover-ups. I thought it was plotted well. It just needs to feel a little deeper IMHO.

Characters need more depth. We see Dana for example being nervous all the time. Getting panicky, but we still don't get to know her or any of the other characters. I would work on them if I were you. Also, I thought Maggie's little acting out and trying to be sexy and kissing the camera was out of place. She doesn't know Jon. He has threatened to kill her if she doesn't do what he tells her. Trying to be this sexpot, just didn't feel right. Also, did Jon really have to dry hump rape her? That seemed off as well. I would've preferred to see him being more of an all business military type guy. This is after all a serious situation.

I don't really have much more to say. You did fine and there's not a whole lot to complain about, other than it felt lite to me. I wanted more meat to up the stakes and characters. Having said that, I still wouldn't be surprised if someone options it. Maybe even Lifetime.  

Good Luck my dear...and if you haven't started mine yet, wait till I go over it again. I did some copy pasting yesterday and realized I just made things confusing at times!

Page 1.     Great precise action writing.

Repeated us of "rocks and dust go flying" within a short time.

Page 4.     Ninety degree weather

Page 6.     How come they had gas masks in their car? It's okay, just needs a bit of explaining, I think.

Page 7.     All citizens? What about people like me? You're just gonna let us die?  

Page 8.     He at the traffic...

Page 9.     What SUV burns up the dirt road? Dana's?

Cool! Doomsday Preppers! I have one of those scripts too.

Page 10.   We're with child sounds clunky and silly since it's obvious by the look of her stomach.

Page 12.   Who gets bent out of shape? Dana or Maggie?

Page 20.   Not much to complain about. Good going so far. I'm guessing Maggie and Jon are up to something. Keeps me wanting to read on.

Page 27.   Right now I'm convinced Maggie is not really pregnant.

Page 29.   I thought North's aggression towards Jon seemed a bit out of line. I haven't really seen anything Jon's done yet that deserved that. Makes North look a little unstable. IMHO.

Page 31.   Good twist there.

Not a fan of the line "Let's just get through this". Sounds rather cliche'.

Page 32.   Seems like Jon got over North's attack rather quick.

What happened in Fall River was an explosion on the train, right? How could that be happening all over the world? Winds don't travel that fast, I don't think.

Page 33.   They are eating. I would imagine with everything going on and all the uncertainty about the future that they would wait with eating until they are really hungry.

Page 37.   Let's just get through this!!!!!

Page 46.   That's not a quick flash. It's a Flashback.

Page 56.   Do we need to see leftover vomit on Maggie's face? So far, this hasn't been that type of movie, IMHO.

Page 57.   Not sure Jon would be sleeping so soundly after what just happened.

Page 60.   Not saying it's bad or anything, but right now it sort of feels like a Lifetime drama.

Page 69.   Whiskey delta zero. If zero is meant to be the number 0, fine, but if it is the call name for Z it should be ZULU.

Very cute with Eli's call letters!

Page 74.   If the information is on Google, how come North, Dana and Eli need to be killed? I see now. Google says gas not biohazard.

Page 97.   Guerilla news...

Great notes Pia...I'm working on yours now.

Code It’s a game of chicken. Let’s see who bails first as they zoom towards a steep drop off. Teen#1 looks over at Teen#2. Who will chicken out?

Do we really need this hammered home? As soon as you told me it was a game of chicken near a steep drop off, I got it. I didn't need the 'let's see who bails first part' nor the 'who will chicken out?' bit. Too much, too quickly for me.

Code A vaporous cloud mushrooms.

That bit lost me.

Code NORTH Eli, under the seat, I stashed gas masks, grab them!

Come again? Just in case, like. I suppose one never knows when a gas mask would come in handy. Just the sort of thing an ordinary family keeps under the seat of the car. How many gas masks are under the seat? Dana, North and Eli are in the car. How would she know how many to stash? Maybe there are even more than three under the seat.

Maybe there were more than three gas masks and they just left their buddy Ron to die. Nice. So what would have happened if they bumped into a friend at the store? A 4-5 man car, with only three gas masks? What gives?

I think you could lose the gas masks. It would add more to the drama if you did. The stakes would be raised immediately if they needed to get back to fetch the gas masks before they breathed in too much. Rags over faces. Maybe there is a trick. In fact I seem to remember that during gas attacks during WW1, soldiers would urinate on rags and breathe in the fumes. Betetr than being dead, right? Not sure it would work here, but I doubt anyone would research too hard if it did.

Code North chases after Eli. Drags him from the backseat, leaving the back door open as they dash for the bunker.

Drags who from the back seat? That part lost me.

So far, despite the gas mask thing, you have a good hook and what could make for an interesting film. Obviously something is going to be up with this couple somehow. But then, it could also be the husband that ends up the bad guy. I'm interested to see how you handle that too.

I'm not getting the thriller vibe from this just yet. But, we'll see how the psychological aspects play out in the bunker. Nice work so far.

Code North takes off his mask, the others follow suit. North looks at Eli. NORTH That thing coulda got you killed. Dana reaches down to take Eli’s mask off. He pouts, takes off down the stairwell. North twists the pressure valve. The door makes a hissing sound, then a loud --12. -- CLICK!

In the first sentence you state that North takes his mask off and the others follow suit. There are only three masks. Later you then have Dana trying to remove Eli's mask for him.
The second thing that stands out to me is that they shouldn't have removed the masks until the air lock had been clicked into place properly and some type of decontamination procedure applied.
They also have no idea what they're dealing with, what type of contamination this is. It could be airborne and they've just allowed two contaminated people into their nice and safe, airlocked shelter.

In these type of things, one of the characters is usually pretty sciency. I wonder which, if any, it will be.

Code MAGGIE Chocolate, it contains serotonin, most concentrated of all neurotransmitters responsible for feelings of well-being and contentment, as well as curbing anxiety and depression. DANA That was a mouthful. MAGGIE Degree in food science, don’t ask how that adds up to my current career as a surveyor.

This is about where I'd nod at someone agreeably, hiding the fact that I've just sussed they're full of shit. Anyone with a degree in food science would know that chocolate does not contain serotonin. Also, the sentence where she claims serotonin is the most concentrated of all the neurotransmitters, just sounds so stupid (from somebody claiming to have a degree) it beggars belief.

Code DANA Surprised you don’t know my husband then. He’s an engineer for public works. County.

OK. I think this is bad news. You've got North as the engineer, and it seems the science part is going to go to Maggie. So she's not a bullshitter after all, she's just not very good. I know now why she ended up in surveying.

Code NORTH (CONT'D) Six inch air intake pipes with Swiss-made military grade air filtration systems pulling in one hundred seventy CFM.

The engineering part you have down. I hope you don't wing the science as you have done up till now or that will be the downfall of this script, for me, at least.

Code MAGGIE At a time like this, I’d take one with you if I wasn’t pregnant.

I'd take two.

I'm at 35 and there hasn't been any speculation on what is going on. Obviously it's some type of disease or gas, that spreads quite quickly. I feel that people would speculate at some point what this could be.

Around page 56-7... Why would Jon think his death threats would work after he's just raped her and she's attempted suicide? She wants to die anyway.
Both Maggie and Dana are too nervous to sit.

Code DANA Did you know he was married? This catches Maggie off guard. DANA When you slept with him, did you know he was married? Maggie pauses, looks down...then up at Dana. MAGGIE Please accept my apology. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it, but we were drunk, he was lonely, it just happened. DANA I don’t want to hear it.

Well, she shouldn't have asked then. I think the above conversation needs fleshing out a little.

Code JON Would you believe me if I said I’m a trained agent here to kill you and your family? None of you will be leaving this bunker alive.

Quite frankly? No. I wouldn't. If he was trained, the family would have been dead a long time ago. He had the advantage with none of them knowing who he was. He could have, at any moment, waited until North's back was turned and taken his gun. Maybe hit him with some type of improvised cosh.

On page 73, North is behind Jon tying him up, but punches him in the jaw?

The whole thing with the fuel poured over the house doesn't ring true to me. They could just blow the lot up with semtex. Clean, no mess, no fuss. Just set the charge and go. Or maybe even some modern type of chemical explosive.

Code A bullet through the head. She falls limp on the floor.

LOL. The whore gets it. If a guy wrote this it probably would have been the annoying, hindrance of a wife that got it first. I did wonder at one point if you would have Dana pull the trigger on her though.

Code Army Guys stick explosives in strategic places around the steel door to the bunker. They run a fuse line away from the bunker. They are preparing to destroy the bunker and anyone inside.

I didn't really need the extra sentence at the end. Also, would they be using wire? Bit old school.

Code Jon holds the gun on our family who stands just outside the electronics room.

Has the voice of a narrator just taken over?

A good story and with some work it could be even better. I noticed a few typos. Wrong sight, you wrote site. There were a couple more that I can't remember now that were similar to that one. Maybe the odd missing letter... but over all the writing is fine.

Plot hole for me is the Agent. If he's there to kill them, why didn't he kill Maggie at the start? Why is he on his own? I know you called him trained.... but, if I was in charge, I'd send in teams. Tear gas, men in masks, night vision and laser sights. In the flashback he was also wearing  gas mask, that wasn't there when he bumps into them.

Another thing, is a satellite phone. With North as savvy as he is, that would surely have been in the kit. But also, the Agent would certainly have had one or he wouldn't be carrying one at all. What would be the point if the ordinary masts have been taken out of service?

I'm a little disappointed that there wasn't any scientific explanation... but I understand why you didn't go there. Maybe you were considering it at the time you gave Maggie her degree, but chose a different route. Maggie being pregnant gets in the way a little and doesn't really add anything to the story for me. She also callously taken out with no care for the baby, that probably could still be saved, as they leave the shelter, doesn't sit right with me. I know she's the filthy, husband-stealing, bitch, but that isn't the baby's fault. I think making her slightly younger, prettier, thinner, would be enough. Then you need to work on the Dana character, make her more likeable. Give her some strength. Else, in my opinion, it would benefit the story better if Dana was the one that got it in the head.

Aside from that, it's a good story with potential. The work is int he rewrites as they say... good luck.

Thank you Dustin....you brought up some really good things that need work. I appreciate the read.

Potentially, this is good.

You have the right materials in place.

Conspiracy theorist, dangerous Government, decent location, inner and outer conflicts.


Get it right and it has a high probability of being picked up.


That being  said, there are major problems for me. This is to be expected due to the time frame, but I feel I should point them out.

Leaving aside such issues as Jeff mentioned above:

1. The logline, whilst enticing, lacks a unique selling point IMO. Some irony, or new twist that we haven't seen before.


2. Some of the character reactions were unconvincing. Particularly the idea that Maggie (?) would kill herself after the sex scene. Just felt off-key to me.

As an aside: The dry humping bit, and the rather graphic detail of how men finish was OTT for me.

3. There is an overall problem with the characters in that they don't seem overly concerned with what is going on outside. Their personal problems seem to be completely overriding the fact they're probably going to die.

It's good that you have these issues/themes to play with, but I feel they need to be more of a subtext to the more pressing issues facing them.

4. There's quite a lot of things that made little sense to me:

From the way an agent allowed himself to be disarmed. To the fact the agent was stood there at all.

The idea that a story had been released that was specific enough to name that family was a step way beyond the believable IMO.

I recognise you needed something to incite outsiders to come, but it's too much of a stretch.

This leads me to what would be my biggest problem with the script:

5. It's simply too unbelievable as a whole.

I can just about buy the Government killing a town (we've seen this before: Crazies, Outbreak etc).

However it's impossible to believe that they would do so by sending in single agents.

The town would be blockaded, there would be airstrikes and then containment teams in protective clothing would go in with flamethrowers.

Bunkers would simply be blown up with explosives.

So, I can't buy that the agent is there at all. At the moment it's such an integral part of the script, that (in my humble opinion) it undermines the story.

It's a problem that is compounded by the agent's actions all the way through.

Why is he at the door, why isn't he waiting for them from distance with a rifle, using Maggie as bait?

How does North beat up an agent so easily?

Why doesn't the agent just kill North when he's asleep?

The problem is a big one because it essentially pervades every scene he is in...why isn't he just taking them out from behind?

So, in conclusion...I think you have an excellent, production worthy premise, but I think the actual story has wandered off into a bit of a minefield at the moment.

Still, I  enjoyed it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Take them or leave them, as one may.

Well done for getting a script finished in such a short time!

Rick.

Thank you Rick...great notes...and you are dead on.

As per, SPOILERS on the way.

I have to say, I really liked this. If I remember correctly, one of yours in the first ten section of the challenge was the one about painting the future. I'm glad you switched up to this instead. I remember thinking the other one had potential, but now I've read this, I think back and it all seemed a bit thrown together, like maybe you weren't sure where to go with it. However, this one seemed well thought out and like you knew exactly where you were going and what you wanted to do with it.

Contained thrillers generally aren't something that excite me, and while I had a few problems with it early on, by the end I was totally into it. I have a list of around 30-40 script ideas, none of which are contained stories, simply because I can't seem to come up with anything that would fit. So to do this in 6 weeks is mighty impressive.

As I mentioned, I had a couple of problems with it. I guess the biggest one, and one you may need to think about, is the fact I didn't really care for the characters until somewhere around the midpoint. I think it was when Maggie was raped where things started to change and I started to warm to them. I mean, I did like Eli, but that's kind of cheating cos it's hard not to appreciate kids and their innocence.

Don't get me wrong, I thought each character was pretty complex which is a good thing, I just had a real hard time picking anyone that I wanted to, or could, root for. I was making notes as I went, and basically this is what I had... Dana was irritating. North was a bit annoying with his paranoia, plus he cheated on his wife. Maggie seems like a bit of a b1tch. I can't trust Jon as far as I can throw him.

I get they all had their reasons for being how they are, which ties in with the complexity, but if this hadn't been for the challenge I might of checked out earlier. That would of been a shame as it builds into something I really didn't want to stop reading, but that came from me finally being able to root for the characters.

The other problem I had isn't a major problem as such, this being an early draft and all, but I sometimes got the feeling you were trying too hard to pad out the script. It felt like as this was a contained thriller, you might be trying to add a bit more to the page count when you really didn't need to. I saw Dustin bring up the example of the kids playing chicken, something I noted too. As another quick example, on P58 North says 'what about him?'. Then in an action line it says 'she tries to avoid the answer'. That line in particular stood out to me as it was completely unecessary as her response will tell us that anyway.

I guess what I'm getting at here is you could cut bits out as it wouldn't hurt to lose anything up to 10-15 pages, not for a contained script anyway.

On the subject of it being contained, by the end I actually felt it hard a sort of global feel to it. With the videos and information going viral, it all of a sudden felt a whole lot bigger. That I thought was impressive as contained stuff can often feel quite small, whereas this really didn't. To do that I don't think could ever hurt your script, especially as it still wouldn't add major cost to the budget (not that I know budgets, I'm just assuming).

To finish I just want to mention two little nitpicks. First, I would imagine Eli may know the actual phonetic alphabet. He seemed pretty switched on to all that kind of techy stuff, it wouldn't be out of the question for him to know it. I even think it might make me like him more.

The other nitpick is you say Larry has a 'very British accent'. I don't think you have to say exactly what sort of accent, like a cockney or scouse accent or anything, but please go with the country. Technically Britain can be seen as a country, but it's actually made up of more than one country. In all honesty it probably makes no difference whatsoever, it's just as a Brit (Englishman) myself, 'a very British accent' doesn't really mean much. However, 'a very English accent' changes everything. Just something to think about but not worry about anyway.

To sum up, I thought the first half was okay, but in the second half it became quite impressive.

Very well done.

Nice stab at a contained thriller. Could be done on a moderate budget and, as such, stands a fighting chance a making some noise.

Pg. 1 Breaks screeching is the sound before the wreckage. We need the sound of the wreckage.

Pg. 6 “NORTH: Eli, under the seat, I stashed gas masks, grab them!” This seems like a joke line. Like we’re still getting to know North and how crazy he is, look he even has gas masks under the seat. It’s humorous. Character building. But the scene isn’t humorous, it’s supposed to be terrifying with all hell breaking lose. We can’t learn about funny character quirks in the midst of such a scene.

Pg. 7 I’m curious whether Eli having a camera means you’re contemplating the Found Footage genre for this. It’s a trope of found footage that the characters film everything for no good reason. Eli seems to be doing that here, even though we’re not in a found footage.

Pg. 8 North is a little too flaky to be my protagonist. It’s hard to be down with someone who is essentially putting their family at risk because they have a crackpot theory about everything. I’d try to give us a way to identify with him. He’s got a wife and a kid and a good enough job apparently to build a pretty impressive underground bunker, so he can’t be a complete loon. What does anyone see in him that makes them want to work with him, or spend a life with him? Figure out what that quality is and then show it to us.

“NORTH: Take whatever it is they gave you!” Doesn’t this contradict North’s earlier rantings?

Pg. 10 “North jumps out, rushes around. Pulls a gun.” Rushes around what? He had a gun the whole time? I’m having trouble visualizing this and things are kinda coming out of nowhere every so often. I imagine this stuff will be cleaned up in rewrite.

Pg. 13 You never indicated that Eli actually retrieved the camera. I thought it was outside, possibly still filming. Maybe they’d find it later and see some freaky stuff.

“JON: Every man has a constitutional right to protect himself and bear arms.” If this is a good enough answer, why did North even ask the question? It’s basically the long version of ”because I want to.”

Pg. 14 “…a balloon in his grip.” From where? And cupcakes? Were they going to party in the bunker? These people are too weird.

Pg. 18 “Maggie rubs her belly.” Do pregnant women really rub their bellies this much? I don’t know. I’ve never been.

Pg. 19 “MAGGIE: American Beauty. It’s one of my favorites.” No character in a screenplay ‘just happens to be’ a movie buff. I’d ditch this.

Pg. 24 There’s a shooting range in the bunker? How big is this place? I’m starting to think this should probably have a slower roll out. We need to get to know this family and feel comfortable about their quirks before the **** hits the fan. To discover it all in the midst of crisis makes me fear the family when I think I should be rooting for them. At this point, I’m far more wary of the people who built the bunker than the people they let in.

Pg. 27 “Maggie pulls the homemade gun from Eli’s shoulder. Runs across the room. Ducks behind the TV.” How many months pregnant is she again?

Pg. 29 Okay… maybe North isn’t the protagonist, which would make this more of an ensemble thing. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t start on the family. It highlights them as central when I’m no longer sure they are. If it’s ensemble, maybe just start at the bunker. Just a bunker door with no one around and a mushroom cloud blooming on the horizon. Then Jon and Maggie come from the road, trying to get in, then North and his family show up and then we’re in the bunker. That might send the signal that there is no real main character, the main character is the bunker itself. [or at least that’s what I was thinking at the time].

Pg. 31 Well, that’s a twist. Problem is, I never really felt like there was “something between these two”. They’ve had almost no interaction until this one. Go back and plant the seeds on rewrite.

Pg. 32 “DANA: What if whatever happened here in Fall River, has spread across the whole world?” Why would anyone think that based on what we’ve seen?

Pg. 41 “JON: For God’s sake, North, she’s a real estate agent.” I don’t buy this for a second. That he refers to his daughter as Agent Lorenzo because she’s a real estate agent? I don’t even buy it if it’s true.

I like that a certain level of intrigue and mystery is being layered in now. There’s really no race against time, here. Almost the opposite, they could be stuck down here forever. I wonder if you’ll utilize the lack of food to get the clock going. You’d have to do some jumping forward for that to make sense, though.

Pg. 47 I think Maggie would just cut it at, “I know North.”

And would Maggie really let this happen to her just so her secret isn’t found out?

Pg. 48 “ON THE MONITOR: A Helicopter zips through night sky. A spotlight cuts through the darkness, ands on the SUV(back door still open) then on the bunker.”  I dig that   Nice little paranoid moment there. Just the right character to see it too.

Pg. 55 I don’t get why Maggie tries to kill herself or didn’t object to Jon more. Not saying she should or shouldn’t, but why? Is she that committed to not blowing North’s cover? What does she stand to gain? Did she think she still had a shot with him? Is he just that great a guy that she’ll ‘take one for the team’ even though he pretty much abandoned her and she realizes that? I never knew her well enough to understand these decisions and it’s a little disappointing because up to this point she seemed like the most stable person there.

Reading on, I suppose that is it, but we should get a sense of it upfront . Of her still pinning. Of North stringing her along. And maybe space it out. Like after the rape, North tells her, “I thought about us and I really can’t be involved with you or the kid.” Now I can see her being distraught enough to do something drastic.

Pg. 60 “MAGGIE: No. You can’t do anything. He said he’d kill me.”  It took me a second to think through the reasons why North wouldn’t just force Jon to leave. I suppose I can see it, but you should probably bring them up in the conversation.

Pg. 64 “NORTH: I’m going to use the ham to communicate with the outside world.” I think you should change that line to, “I’m going to force Jon out at gunpoint.” Now that the jig is up, there’s no reason to be tip toeing around it anymore.

Pg. 68 “Jon turns to a gun pointed right at him.” There we go  

Pg. 69 “An AGENT in all black jumps down from the helicopter.” I think you mean rappels?

As far as the government cover-up, you might want to make it something a little more unique then a bio-weapon. Or what I mean is, murdering an entire town is kinda hard to keep quiet. Why not just create a chemical spill cover story, rather than kill everyone. Or blame it on terrorists. The only reason I could think to kill everyone is if it’s infectious.

Pg. 74 “A gas explosion to blame for 12,400 deaths” That’s a hard cover to maintain. It’d be the worst disaster in America, ever. And about fifty times worse than any previous gas explosion. Maybe if the town was smaller, or just a small section of the town? And maybe one of the people in the bunker actually knows something or saw something that makes them a target, instead of the mass extermination angle.

Pg. 81 Ah, I get why the camera was around now. Still, some explanation would be nice.

Pg. 82 Why won’t he give Maggie the gun, his wife’s a wreck?

Pg. 90 Poor Maggie.

Pg. 92 The protesters showing up could never happen that fast. And also the media would’ve been all over this place anyway, cause as written now, it’s the worst disaster in American history.

Pg. 94 “NORTH: If I give it to him, we’re all dead.” I gotta say, every single scenario that plays in my head results in them being dead. That’s good, dramatically. But I don’t know why North would consider letting his son be killed here.

Pg. 99 Jon raped Maggie and shot her in the head and he just gets in the car and drives off? No.

I think the spine of the story and the basic premise can work. It’s mostly just the details that are throwing a bit of a wrench in things. One thing I’d look at is pulling the characters of North and Dana back. They seemed to be at ten all the time. Dana was a panicky wreck before anything even happened and North… well there’s a difference between being prepared for anything and being prepared for alien abductions. He doesn’t have to believe EVERY conspiracy, does he?

Maybe personalize it a little. His dad was dishonorably discharged for something he did while following orders, so he never got his VA benefits and when illness came around his dad died before his time. Boom, grudge against the government.

Looking through the feedback, I agree that Agent Jon’s actions don’t add up. But like I said, maybe if there was something he wanted from them, something that was hidden or he needed to know, it might justify him waiting around to play mind games.

Anyway, this was nice work for 7 weeks, especially considering the other avenues you tried. Good luck with it. Hopefully those nibbles pan out.

Eric

A paranoia drenched thriller with tight pacing and good characters.

THE BUNKER is rather light on the ticking clock scenario. And feels more like an ensemble piece rather than a 50 year old hero led thriller. That said, this familiar premise is handled rather well so far.

I take these following notes as I read the script, in the hopes you can better understand what one person thinks as they absorb your tale. Here’s my feedback for the FIRST 40 PAGES.

A strong opening image: the train, with snipers. Right away, I’m curious as to what’s the cargo. I’d work a little on the description of the actual crash. I believe the ATV crashed over the cliff onto the railway. Consider slight alterations for clarity’s sake. That said, this was a very effective hook. It seems like the cargo was radioactive or something. These kids took photos as evidence. And in a way they are evidence themselves – poisoned(?) and blistered. I wonder if someone will seek to hide this evidence?

I like the set-up with North and his family. You quickly establish his job and his relationships. There was some good humour in there too. I appreciate the time spent on getting to know North as a family man before we see him bust into action. This helps build a connection with us, especially if North needs to protect them later on.

That was another strong moment as the infected panic in the streets. It was intense and exciting. Watching this would be scary like a horror movie. I like how you suggested a variety of camera work. It seems like North’s son now has some evidence of his own. I wonder if “Big Brother” will come looking for it.

I wasn’t expecting North to be a conspiracy nut. Paranoia leads his decisions to stash gasmasks and drive away from the checkpoint. I wonder if there is a joke to be had when he pulls out the gas masks. Maybe his wife or son is surprised he has the masks. North replies, “Aren’t you glad I’m a conspiracy nut now?” This character trait helps push the movie in the right direction. So kudos on this good writing decision.

I can also see this mistrust somehow harming their survival chances later on. Add Dana’s panic attacks., and it really opens up possible scenarios. For example, I imagine with the title here, they will end up in a bunker. Maybe another appropriate flaw for a character could be the son is claustrophobic. So we’d have that push and pull when they argue whether or not to stay in the bunker. Regardless, this premise is ripe to milk tension. I have a feeling I’m going to break a sweat reading this one. Hehehe.

They arrive at the bunker. And there’s cupcakes(?). I’m not sure the serotonin conversation felt so natural, but it hints at future solutions to curb anxiety. This talk also gets out some necessary exposition. Like North’s job. Consider reworking this dialogue about the twin towers too – perhaps an excision. It seems like this is mentioned so North can talk on conspiracies again. I feel like you handled this well during the establishing scenes already. I like how you dealt with the cellular reception problem quickly though. And I like the AMERICAN BEAUTY bit too. Funny.

I also like the suggestive elements brewing between Maggie and Jon. I wonder if he is the father. Or is she his hostage or something. Jon’s gun throws me off. Maybe he had it for a nefarious reason rather than protection? I wonder if our family will start to suspect something soon? The stuff with the pills makes me suspect Maggie as well. Maybe she’s a drug addict? Let’s say suspicions are brewing nicely.

I’m a little confused as to why Eli’s party was going to be held in the bunker instead of the house? On the other hand, I really like the mistress development. I didn’t see that coming. This definitely complicates the group dynamics. I also like how this answers why North decided to let them into the bunker.

While I liked the little quip in the flashback, it’s such a brief scene I wonder if it’s necessary. The deployment of flashbacks is a controversial subject. Some seem to really hate them. For me, I’m fine with them as long as they reveal something. This one here reveals how they met and how the attraction sparks – but I didn’t find that too revelatory.

Paranoia takes over. Except it’s only paranoia if you’re wrong, right. It seems like North is onto something. A least with his suspicions of Jon – he was sending a message to an Agent. And Jon knows of the affair. This complicates the trust issues, for sure.

I’m still wondering where our race-against-the-clock scenario is. As for the challenge parameters, it also seems like we have an ensemble piece here rather than a lead 50 year old protagonist. The concept is strong, don’t get me wrong. Rather than the ticking clock we get the familiar isolated and paranoid scenario instead. This really reminds me of the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

I’m stopping at page 40 for now. I’ll read more and post further notes soon.

The Bunker

One of the more difficult reviews for me.

SPOILER
I think I understand the whole premise- What I would really have appreciated is a visual appearance of the biological poison which was set free. I mean: I wouldn't suggest you to ignore laws of nature, but, what if this would be a new, top secret, area 51 kind of chemical weapon from which the government believes that it is worth it to justify the crazy mass assassination at the school (exaggerated said but it's fiction, right?) - Then, you could send a horrible awful storm of green poison or whatever, coming from the train wreckage toward the Bronson's property. I asked why the agents and military could walk outside without any masks, but then, the poison seems to be already gone. Visuals would help.

I don't like to make those suggestions about another one's script, but the point I want to bring across: I think we need a constantly point of identification concerning the "main problem". You only have the Zombies by now.

I want to have the problem right before their door.

Another example to underline what I mean: If Jon turns out to be a bad guy, I ask, why didn't North send him out of the bunker for a while to check if it's all right outside? On the other hand - If North sees there's poison in the air – he knows he would kill him by doing so. And we know North tries hard to fight Jon without taking Jon's life.


Quick calls:

Spielburg, American Beauty, Hannibal Lecter, Doomsday Preppers, The Colony, Walking Dead.

Three different characters call out movie quotes or name titles. That don't work anyway- that's my opinion. And the worst thing that could happen by doing so is that a viewer doesn't know one of those titles or movie quotes. Then he or she would realize it as a bad characterization, because the characters seem to be movie geeks; more than people coming to watch your movie. If you need it for Eli, for him to get a connection with Maggie, then do it once. My opinion.


"That moment when your son realizes the monster within."

It's not a process I experienced, but it reads as I should.

There was a moment, at p 36, I wasn't sure who the protagonist is. Partly I felt Dana is it, because she has the most psychological pressure on her side, cheated, depressed...

"MAGGIE
I wouldn’t be so sure.

DANA
Really, he isn’t."

Dana has to bite her, here, literally, no matter how Dana truly thinks about it in her head. If you show her "only weak" it's hard to feel for her. Then she's like a puppet or sth. Lost.


"NORTH
I’m going to kill that son of a...

MAGGIE
No. You can’t do anything. He
said he’d kill me. North.
Please..."

???? North shall not kill Jon, because Maggie fears Jon would kill her?


"NORTH
She doesn’t even know him. He
raped her, Maggie.

Her anger turns into fear/anxiety.

DANA
Jesus, North, are you serious??
What’re we gonna do? Where is he?"

I'm not sure about that. She seems to believe him one second after she had busted him, and her anger turns within a moment into fear. She acts too passive again, like everyone's telling her what to think and how to act. The quick switch feels unbalanced.

CB-radio from America to England?

P 85
Shouldn't North and Eli try to answer the agent to play for time? Tricking him as if they were Jon.

Why didn't the agents cut down the antenna earlier? They seem to be there for hours.


Great stuff:

"MAGGIE
I wasn’t going to
put my life on hold and play your
mistress."

That's an impressive plot point!!!!!! You distracted me here and there, so that I can't say I saw that coming. Well done.


Okay. This critique may read very negative until now. I think you did a great job and all those points above are 1. Easy to fix 2. A personal taste thing or 3. due to the natural process of a first draft plus the brutal 6 weeks timeframe.

There's just so much stuff (like 80%) in here that it makes no sense to point out the positive aspects precisely, so I cap them:  DRAMATIC CONFLICTS, CHARACTERIZATION, CONCEPT, STORYLINE, TONE, VISUAL CONCEPT (PLUS ELI'S CAM) ARE VERY STRONG AND EXECUTED WELL. I enjoyed the read.

I think you could balance that whole script to another level. It has great potential.

Especially I think the audience adores movies with a vibe of claustrophobia. I guess it's something a lot of peops fear themselves, so they could greatly fear for the characters. Saw, Panic Room, Cube etc. ...

The location of a bunker which isn't just grey, but rather a microcosm is quite attractive and fresh.

That said, I think your script is better positioned with a length of 85 to 90 p. There's too much drama and repetitive things imo. Look, there are already so many scenes;200?; the characters have so many conflicts, dialogues and action that it might be too much. The bunker setting already makes it very intensive in case of length.

The first ten weren't my thing at all. There were too many questions, leading to more questions and I missed the visuals I described in the beginning – It would have helped to understand where we are, when we are and what's going on.


Well done, Dena. I felt you put a lot of work in here... to handle and keep track of so many scenes... The setting must be very interesting for movie makers. I enjoyed it, still would have preferred a shorter script because those amount of scenes felt very intense right now - and a more visual appearance of the catastrophe. Perhaps a little less drama and more precise points of thrill too.

I hope this helps anyway.

As I go:

Page 2: I wanna see the Passenger played up here. If "Roger that" is the big moment of foreshadowing, it'd be nice if his face at least twisted into a scowl, or whatever.
The whole intro could be beefed up a bit. Have some tension where we think the teens might actually escape, a couple beats of silence, etc. It feels slightly perfunctory now -- if it's gonna be there, it may as well be big.
"Hell, then we'd all be cooped up together." Hee hee! Nice little wink.

Page 3: "…to film people without their permission?" Expecting this one to pay off later.
"Flouride in the water, chem trails…" This line feels just a little bit like a caricature to me (I think the rest is handled well). I have a lot of conspiracy people in my life and I find that they generally tend to have a specific couple stories -- even if they believe all that stuff, they don't tend to laundry list it, as they know how it sounds. But, anecdotals aside, I do think this one line seems a little excessive.
"You would look so adorable…" Just a random thought here; since the intention (I assume) is to establish North's paranoia as the status quo, it might be better to have a line here that signals an old joke rather than a new one; something like "I keep meaning to get you that tinfoil hat" could cement this nicely.

Page 6: Since the paranoia's gonna pay off in this scene, two thoughts. One, it might be nice to establish the paranoia in the previous scene, so there's a bit of time between setup and payoff. Two, it'd be nice to make it really clear that North's paranoia is what saves them. I don't think the gas should really hit until Dana's back in the car; then they see the old woman; Dana urges North to get out and help, why is he hesitating?; but North is correctly suspicious as other people rush out to help, and they therefore get away. That's just an example, but my main point is that since North's paranoia saves them, it should be made really clear that our protagonist succeeds where others fail because of this particular quality.
Eli films panicked people clawing at their bleeding eyes? Haha, what a creepy little asshole. I'm assuming all this footage pays off at the end or whatever, but right now the kid kinda seems like a sociopath.

Page 8: So in fact you do have the paranoia beat that I was talking about above. It feels misplaced to me because I think the sequence is organized just slightly awkwardly. There's an all-hell-breaks-loose moment, then a character moment (refusing to open the door for Ron), then quiet tension (the police lineup). So North's big choice -- not trusting the police, turning away from the police lineup -- has relatively small stakes, because he makes the right choice and saves them during what is essentially the denouement of the sequence. Instead, he should make the right choice -- not trusting the police, running away despite Dana's protestations -- immediately BEFORE all hell breaks loose. That way, when all hell breaks loose, it shows us that the stakes for North's choice were actually huge.
On a side note, I really like that even though North makes the right choice, he does so for partially dubious reasons (they're gonna experiment on us or something!).

Page 9: Speaking of Dana's protestations, she seems to be getting shuttled into the hysterical female role. She mostly complains, hyperventilates, and is wrong. Not diggin' her so far.

Page 11: Can put way more into this beat (North being persuaded). This is the first act decision, I assume, so it should be a big deal -- why, specifically and exactly, is our protagonist going to go all the way from "Mind already made up" to "Get inside!" in a couple pages? He needs to see something in the couple, or they need to reveal something to him, that allows this beat to happen and that, ideally, reveals something about North.

Page 14: Regarding the above -- once they're in the bunker, Jon and North kinda bond over their mutual er, American millenialism. I think this, in some way, is what needs to happen outside, to get Jon and Maggie in. There'd then be some quite effective irony, I think, in that the qualities North appreciates in Jon are qualities that (I assume) eventually become part of what makes Jon dangerous.

Page 17: No landline in the bunker?

Page 22: Full check of what now? We already established that contact outside is important -- the first thing they did was talk cellphones. They're not gonna try the radio right away?

Page 23: I think the wire-cutting lands too early. It basically removes all the tension as we now know that we've got a simple bad-guys-and-good-guys-trapped-together scenario. Scenes like the previous one (Maggie with the pills) are great, but they're great specifically because we don't know, exactly, what anyone's intentions are. As soon as we see the wire cut, we know that one group are out-and-out bad guys, and it kinda takes the fun out of the mystery. For me.

Page 34: Do mid-30s, university-educated women really talk about Kanye and Kim's baby? I have no idea, I'm just curious. Or maybe this is an indicator of Maggie's immaturity.

Page 36: North is being a douchebag here. We know why, but Dana doesn't. I wish she'd tell him off and/or quit being a neurotic pushover. This is good in the sense that we've got some interesting insight into the life of an extremely troubled woman, but that's severely at odds with A) Who our protagonist is supposed to be and B) What our genre is supposed to be. (By "supposed to be" I mean, as indicated by the first act.) North is becoming very specifically unlikeable.

Page 38: Good moment here with the "family tableau" of North, Maggie, Eli. I'd push this further -- describe specifically how it looks, what they're doing.

Page 39: "I was just trying to get a signal." North would/should ask if there is a signal, and then immediately verify Jon's answer.

Page 40: You know, I think I'd prefer it if this was the Maggie affair reveal. It seemed a little early when it came, and it'd be cool if it was here anyway, a reveal motivated by aggression. Plus, the previous scene with Maggie and North alone together could be really interesting if it didn't reveal everything.

Page 41: Little does anyone suspect that Jon is actually texting Lorenzo Lamas from SNAKE EATER! …but seriously, I'll buy the "real estate agent" line, but only if Jon explains that it's a cute little joke between them, and only if he acts sincere, rather than weird. The only way this moment can work is if Jon acknowledges that it sounds like a ludicrous excuse.

Page 47: T.M.I. indeed.
There's something either deeply, blackly comic about a mid-rape flashback, or something just completely inappropriate. I'm not sure which. Given the general tone of the film, probably the latter.

Page 53: I don't buy the suicide because I don't buy Maggie being out of options. She has nothing to lose by going to North, who has all the power in the bunker. The reason that she needs to maintain the fiction with Jon is tenuous in the first place (or possibly nonsensical; why couldn't she have just pretended to be a stranger alone, again?); it's certainly not enough for her to not go to North now. The pregnant suicide attempt is gonna kill pretty much everybody's sympathy for her completely, would be my guess. The rape was appropriately horrific but based on her character up to this point, and her options at this point, I'm not sure I buy the response.

Page 56: Jon's motivations seem a little confused at this point.
North leaves?! Immediately after she apologized for bringing Jon in? Even if he didn't catch that, leaving when she just tried to kill herself is super freakin' cold. The only way to sell this beat -- maybe -- is that Eli appears at the door and the parents have to rush him away from the situation.

Page 58: Literally no reason Maggie shouldn't tell North about Jon right now.
Why is there reception now, especially when Jon couldn't even get it above earlier?

Page 59: "Did you have sex with that man?" That's the first thing he's gonna ask about? On a side note, "How do you explain that, huh?!" is a pretty obnoxious tone to take with someone who just tried to kill themselves.

Page 60: "Promise me you won't say or do anything." What? Why? Again, North has all the power here. Maggie's behaviour might make sense in an abusive relationship with established patterns, but she just met this guy.

From here on, I basically just can't stand that they don't shoot Jon in the leg and tie him up. Maggie thinking about trusting the man who just raped her is ridiculous, and North sneaking around instead of confronting Jon really confuses me. Jon revealing the plot is also a little odd, though that's a movie staple, I suppose.

Thoughts:

Well, I'm all for angry political polemics, but I think this one gets in its own way a little bit.

I suppose the central premise is fine, as it fits your Burgh-ian focus of keeping the public eye on matters and acts of government. It's all a little bit arbitrary -- the government's just kinda doing "something bad" and covering it up -- and it's not particularly clear how or why "big" government is the problem, except for those who see this sort of thing as a logical or inevitable outcome of bigger governments (maybe that's who it's for, though; maybe the script's not trying to convince anyone of anything). To me, it would be more fun if the whole thing was somehow very specifically Obama's fault, and that's only slightly facetious (the Obama part is a joke, but the rest is serious; if the script's gonna blame "big government" it should really go for it).

The script's somewhat interwoven secondary concern of firearms possession, though, gets a little undercut by the plot, to my mind. Hilariously, the family ends up menaced by their own guns -- precisely the sort of situation that's frequently brought up by proponents of more prohibitive gun ownership.

Finally, to follow Burgh a bit further, maybe we're getting an examination here of private vs. public wrongs; eye on government, but individuals solving their own problems. The thing about that is that North and Dana are both awful, awful people (I lost any sympathy for Dana when she was haranguing a recent rape victim, on a side note, I didn't mention that), and their myriad problems aren't solved at all except that Maggie conveniently takes a bullet to the head.

I think there are lots of ingredients here for a fun, angry little thriller -- I'd put this script in the same vein as Olympus Has Fallen (which I liked), trading the flag-waving, racist jingoism of that film for gun-clutching paranoia. Logical lapses abound, some reasonable, some that demand significant rewrites, in my opinion.

I havent quite gotten my head around what's going on with Maggie and the rape. She certainly gets a bad deal here -- impregnated, spurned, raped, rebuked, and shot in the head. The script is not generally kind to women, with Eli proving a lot more useful than his silly and hysterical mother throughout the film, but it seems to have a particular grudge towards Maggie that I find a little inexplicable, especially as it seems to let North off the hook. At least her flesh wasn't eaten by stray dogs at the end, I suppose.

I like the story; I don't like the characters; I think the most important thing here is to clarify exactly what the script is railing against. The story's got some satisfying moments, but that crowd chanting at the end isn't gonna pay off unless we know exactly why we should feel like chanting along with them.

Since I mostly talked about portrayals of gender and politics, please note that if I've said anything, er, incendiary, I'm talking specifically and only about the way I've read things in the script. I wouldn't presume to have any knowledge of your real-life politics and, regardless, I certainly wouldn't comment on them.

It took me a minute but here are the rest of my notes for THE BUNKER.

For me, the set-up had a lot more intrigue than the resulting action. The remaining pages were paced rather well. But The End felt pretty anti-climactic. Congrats on finishing this challenge and creating an interesting premise. Check out these notes I took while reading the script to better understand these comments.

I hope this feedback helps you out during the rewriting process………

The agent development complicates the isolation scenario. It adds another dimension so the viewers don’t get bored or complacent. I didn’t expect the agent to be Jon’s daughter. Maybe that’s a lie – along with the real estate addition? I feel like he wouldn’t have his daughter listed as Agent - unless it’s some sort of inside joke between them (if so, consider mentioning this in dialogue). For me, this reads like a subtle clue that you’ve given to suggest his deceit. Regardless, I like how this tests North’s loyalty – will he tell the others?

The lies continue. Eli has to keep a secret from his mom – about the sliced cable. I guess I’m just beginning to unravel the underlying theme here. Deception. Who lies and for what reason? And how trust is tested under extreme isolation and distress. Interesting subject matter. Let’s see how far you explore this territory.

The dry hump stuff could have been embellished further. It’s not like I –want- to see rape, but I feel like it would increase the stakes here. Jon forces himself upon Maggie, begins to dry hump, silences her, then lowers his pants and rapes her. It seems like you pushed us slightly, maybe you should knock us over instead. There are also ways to suggest this without showing the aggressions on full display. Regardless, Jon is developing into a nasty antagonist. This scene makes it clear cut – Jon is not to be trusted. He will endanger them all.

For me, this flashback is unnecessary. It tells us everything too blatantly. I assumed as much by now anyways. Leave this mystery up to the viewers. Maybe North discovers this truth later on instead during a confrontation? The dialogue within this scene is also too on-the-nose. Maggie explains her secrets to Jon without provocation. Why would she tell this to a stranger she just met? Wouldn’t she be more likely to change the subject and ask Jon what he is doing here? She could say something like, “I know them. That’s why I’m here. So… why are you here?”

Like I said, I feel like the mystery works better if you don’t reveal how these 2 met with a flashback. For me, it would make more sense that once she sees North and family she tells them she doesn’t know this guy. Or at least mention this to North once their inside the bunker. She could be interrupted before she reveals who Jon is. Jon could walk in, thus silencing her. North is denied the answer and, like us, is wondering who Jon really is then.

I like how North scans the old footage to see who cut the cable. He sees Jon. I think this is a better way to create intrigue and slowly build the mystery of Jon’s identity. If you cut the flashback out, I think this scene here would play out even better.

I’d consider cutting the scene where Jon walks by naked and talks with Dana and North. There isn’t a lot of conflict or plot revealed. It seems like it’d be better if Jon walked by and North just shook his head and exhaled in frustration. Maybe Dana asks what’s wrong – North keeps it to himself – they sleep. This would add another secret that isn’t shared – building on the running theme.

I think you could further embellish some emotion during the kitchen scene with Maggie and Jon. Jon returns, and I feel like Maggie should flinch on sight, retracting away, rising from her seat on the counter, and backing up. (Maybe holding the pills behind her back – excising the rest of this scene with the assumption that she already took those pills). Jon would smirk or laugh under his breath at this – showing us how he feels about that same experience – where she is frightened and traumatized; he is perverse, sadistic, and psychotic.

I feel like this added flinch would show us how scared she is. After the rape, I feel like she should react a bit more frightened upon seeing him. It’s not like she’s been held captive for days by this madman and sexually assaulted multiple times - to the point where she is unaffected and numb. I feel like in this scene there is a non-reaction. This is a chance to create a strong bond and emotions with a strong reaction.

The following moments have Maggie sleeping and groggy in the kitchen. It felt like an awkward transition from one scene to the next. I wonder if Maggie could cower into a corner, after Jon walks by. Maybe consider an Ext. shot to establish the passage of time. Then we return to her groggy awakening, still in that same corner of the kitchen.

I like the bathroom stuff with Maggie overdosing. I wonder if some elements could be improved. What woke Jon to have him rush the hallways? Why is he concerned with her health suddenly? Maybe he awakens to the commotion in the bathroom instead. The first we see of him is when he barges into the bathroom. I would also give Dana some more screen time here. Maybe she awakens from the same commotion and sees Maggie in trouble. Then Jon barges in with the pills. This mention of overdosing causes Dana to panic. As is, it seemed like she panicked too quickly. Maybe you could show her rising from the bed after North leaves. I like the tension that brews from these events. I just feel they could mesh together better.

Once Jon and Maggie are alone maybe he could ask her, “What did you tell him about me?” Then he can get more aggressive and order to get the gun. I feel like showing us that he worries about his lie will let us accept his behaviour better. An intense moment to be certain. Jon’s dialogue also further suggests that he is an agent on assignment and the agent he contacted was in fact an agent. This is intriguing. I wonder what North is wanted for or what the larger picture is.

I wonder if the Maggie and North conversation goes on a little long. I like the idea that he knows Jon and Maggie had sex. He just thought it was consensual. I like that he can’t tell her that he spied on them. I wonder if Maggie should reply to his question with a simple, “I didn’t want to”. I wasn’t a fan of the line in the script, “he forced himself on me.” I feel like she would have a harder time saying exactly what happened. Especially this soon after. Her emotions should be fresh and more dangerous. North could realize what this (more vague dialogue) means - just as he does already - and react with anger.

I’d consider tightening up this section overall. I feel like when North learns that Maggie and Jon never met before it should feel more like a revelation. He has a stranger in his bunker - one that raped the pregnant Maggie – pregnant with his own child. Make sure this stuff lands with impact. Make sure we realize that North just learned all of these secrets, even though we knew of them already. AND it looks like there’s another secret to be kept. It’s a really compelling scenario you have here. I feel like it just needs more fine tuning, which is expected of a 1st draft. I’m just pointing out some specific situations that I feel I can comment on constructively.

I like that Dana obsesses over the footage. I like that she confronts North about Maggie. Some dialogue could be excised here. Now, consider the effect if Dana locks the communication room. This conversation would be behind closed doors. They would feel much more separated. He would want to talk to her face to face. Also, Dana can’t leave the bunker to get some space or get away from North. This is the next best thing. She locks herself in a room. The most important room. Consider the impact of this alteration.

Soon enough, North might NEED to use the radio or that room. But he first must convince Dana to forgive him. Or maybe he can get Eli to convince Dana to open the door. I think the locked door alteration would heighten the tension and up the stakes. As is, Dana forgives North immediately without much convincing needed at all. Maybe the lack of sleep and her turbulent emotions would make it much harder for her to forgive. This would also give you another excuse to lock the door. These other issues addressed in their conversation or in the next scene could occur later on instead.

I like that we get to see the outside world. I wonder if you should take the time here to embellish the danger of the outside. Show us more areas of devastation and violence before we see the agents. As is, it’s a very brief scene. You chose to break the isolation of the bunker to show us an exterior. I feel like there should be a better excuse to break this hard-earned claustrophobic atmosphere. What I mean is, give us something of a spectacle to better excuse this breakaway. I like the developing agent story though. I wonder where this new direction will take us. Why is North or his bunker so important? Maybe he has a good reason to be so paranoid?

To give Eli a more important role, I’d consider the alteration to have him on a solo mission into the control room. He convinced Dana to let him in. Now, that he’s alone, and on the task he spots the helicopter and uses the radio. I’d like him to have his own moment here without alerting North about what’s going on. While North confronts Jon, he has no idea that helicopters are arriving outside.

During Jon’s confrontation, North should ask why they are out to kill him. Why is he so important? He should outright say what we’re all thinking. Not that Jon has to answer or be truthful with his reply. I see how you address this a moment later. I feel like this should be the first thing North says. You could also have Jon say he wants Eli’s camera or the footage he recorded earlier. I like that you concentrate our attention on the camera in Eli’s hands as a suggestion. Maybe you could make that more clear.

I think these events would be even more intense if Eli films from the hallway. North and Jon don’t know he’s there. We still see the camera in his hand, and gather what that suggests. I would cut out Eli and North’s brief dialogue together. I believe this would make the events more intriguing, as we would fear for Eli’s safety. This would also further suggest that what Eli films is important and could be used against the mysterious powers that be. That said, I like how all these events and secrets are beginning to collide together before they crash.

The gun stuff with Dana was intense too. She’s too unreliable so it makes me nervous. This would be even more exciting to watch. I wonder if there’s a better excuse to get the gun in her hands. “Hold this while I tape up the bad guy” doesn’t quite cut it, for me. I like how Eli gets another scene in the comm room.  This gives Eli more responsibility. He’s a hero on his own mission. Like father, like son. This is more evidence for why I think you should keep Eli separate – he shouldn’t share the screen with his dad in these scenes. I like the idea that he’s a miniature sneaky spy agent.

Larry from London – that is convenient. I like that we get an even further outsider’s view on this disaster. I wonder how pivotal Larry’s role will be. As is, he kind of pops out of nowhere. If he does become more important (like I assume) maybe you can weave him in better. I wonder if he should be an eccentric minor character with some sort of manic behaviour or visual ticks. This would make him more memorable and his scenes more entertaining. While this is a chance to add some humour, I don’t know if you want any in here.

.......MORE.......

....MORE.....

Dana is left holding the gun again. I feel like you could remove her earlier moment then, and save this situation for here. Since there were no mistakes earlier, we feel a little safer with Dana. I’d prefer the unknown here. Like before we don’t know if she should be trusted with the weapon.

I wonder how Eli’s footage hit the web? Maybe he could record all of these events with his own phone instead to clear away any confusion. If he has a signal he can connect. Since Jon was able to text, we can accept that the video can be sent as well. As is, I wonder how Jon’s phone physically connected to the camera and how the footage was converted to a shared file format. These are technical plot issues so maybe this is just movie magic at work. For me, I’d rather not be distracted by potential plot holes. That said, I like the idea that Eli is so important. His footage hits the web and spreads the truth to fight the misinformation / propaganda.

It seems like Larry is an important figure in this aspect. Maybe you could introduce his character earlier. Like maybe Larry is already a ham radio friend of Eli’s – having met weeks ago. Maybe Eli can ask his dad if he can talk with Larry once they enter the bunker earlier on? This way we already know Larry and he feels less like a rather convenient “deus ex machina”.

I like that Dana and Maggie have their own moral dilemma to consider. Who to trust. I feel like Maggie should be a bit more apprehensive since Jon treated her so badly (and, you know, -raped- her). And Dana should be more likely to believe Jon – since she has been lied to by North and Maggie, and is irrational due to heightened stress. I’d actually like to see Maggie take advantage of the situation. Since Jon is bound and defenseless she could physically abuse him a bit – like a violent interrogation. Consider reworking this debate.

I’m glad that you included a moment like this though. I guess I would just prefer more embellishment here. Maybe Dana could point the gun at Maggie to stop her beating of Jon. If I saw that I would be scared. Since I don’t trust her emotions, I’d be worried her gun might go off even due to accident if not due to her panic. I’d consider something like these suggestions at least. Milk the tension even more – especially if they free Jon or he frees himself (during the women’s argument).

I see that Jon does free himself soon after. This would be even more intense if you used my previous suggestions because we would feel like Maggie might just pull that trigger to get revenge on Jon and stop him from hurting anyone else. That said, this was an exciting moment.

Wow. So Maggie handing the gun over would be even more disturbing if she was about to pull that trigger. She decides personal revenge isn’t worth the group’s safety. Maybe Jon will help? And then BLAM he shoots her down. I didn’t expect that. It happens so quickly too. Shocking stuff. Nice work. Now consider the amplified effect if you incorporated some suggested additions.

Jon has quite a long speech. There are some powerful statements within the dialogue. Consider isolating these moments and highlighting them. Maybe North or Dana can interject, thus breaking up that long passage of dialogue. If Jon tells us his opinion in sections I feel like they will carry more weight. Instead, we get a string of ideas, burying their individual intentions. It’s a lot to absorb all at once. Maybe North can direct the conversation based on his interjections.

I like the theme of social media. And it’s importance in breaking news in this brave new world. Journalists are going extinct in this modern era. It’s hard for us to find the truth. But we also have a benefit of cameras everywhere. I like how you show that Eli used his prowess with the older tech (radio) to connect with Larry who uses the modern tech (social media). In a way, you’re saying regular citizens have more power. It’s harder for the government to bury news stories or keep nefarious secrets.

As a metaphor, we’ve all been living in a bunker (previous generations) but now with the Internet connecting us all we break out of that (analogous) bunker and see the world above (or the larger picture of government manipulation and the truth). If we don’t think for ourselves, we’re closing ourselves off, we’re putting up walls, we’re placing ourselves in an isolated bunker controlled by fear.

From the description I thought that “they” referred to the strike team. I was wondering how they entered the bunker no problem. It seems a lot more difficult to blow up the whole bunker area than to simply pop the hatch and enter with soldiers. This would also avoid the protesters’ cameras from recording them blowing up a bunker and killing the family within.

North fights Jon in the stairwell. This is intense stuff. It’s what the audience has been waiting for – a head on confrontation. But it falls flat for me. The end result? Jon shoots North in the shoulder. And still ends up marching the family up the stairs. This is the same result as if North didn’t fight.

The end is lackluster. The family walks out at gunpoint by Jon. The military et al back away for some unknown reason, and all is well. No dialogue between our group or from the soldiers. The last words are the protesters. I like the idea that the people made the government back down. But it happened with little effort, struggle, or obstacles. Maybe something more exciting would be more satisfying.

I would like to see a more eventful fight at the end. Maybe North gets the upper-hand despite being shot. Maybe North gets shot in the chest instead. But he’s so paranoid he’s wearing a Kevlar vest. We never knew that. It happened off screen. He had it stashed in the bunker for a situation like this. He thought of everything. So BLAM Jon shoots North in the chest, we think he’s dead, he’s not. North jumps Jon, the family exits the bunker. North gets the upper-hand, pummelling Jon. We think North’s free. He exits. And Jon lunges at him for an exterior scuffle under watch of protesters, cameras, the soldiers and agents, and the world via social media.

The antagonist goal was to stop the footage. It’s too late for that now. It’s on the Internet already. So is the family truly set free? Does the government still need to bomb the bunker or silence its inhabitants? Why didn’t they leave the area once the info hit the Web?

I suppose the ticking clock scenario was the government threatening to blow up the bunker. Although we never got a specific timeframe for that – like you have 1 hour until we detonate explosions. I wonder if you could throw in another beat the clock scenario that could occur earlier in the movie. Like maybe their oxygen equipment gets damaged and they will run out of air X amount of hours. Or Maggie’s baby is due any moment and they aren’t experienced enough to deliver it. This inclusion could add some tension earlier as Jon tries to keep up the ruse that they are a couple AND that North fears for his new child’s safety.

IN SUMMARY

THE BUNKER is filled with tension and suspicions. It moves along at a decent clip. There is a lot of deceit and lies within those walls. There is the threat that at any moment a secret could be exposed. I think a little more could be done in that regard. A little more embellishment could really heighten the excitement. Once you have secrets introduced, I feel like other characters should discover them.

The characters are all pretty even. Not one stands out much more than the other. While there was some conflict between the group, it was never fully explored. It seems like you breezed over some of the more intriguing elements – like Dana and Maggie upon learning of North’s relationship, the reveal of Jon’s identity, the government’s knowledge of North and Eli’s camera, etc.

The ticking clock scenario was rather light. I never sensed the urgency of they need to do so-and-so before X time passes. I feel like you could make some easy alterations to achieve this. I’d like to see North be more hands-on in tackling obstacles. A lot is solved by Eli instead – who I thought was a good character. I would consider focusing on the child more – he records the footage, he works the comms, he contacts Larry, he uploads the footage – so his actions are impactful, but his emotions and dialogue aren’t fully explored.

There is a familiar premise here. The inside world vs the outside. Isolation. Paranoia. But I feel like these elements aren’t exploited or developed to their full potential. I suppose for me this bunker premise just could have been better – more: excitement, action, paranoia, thematic content, and subtext. While I was never bored, I kept expecting something important or exciting to happen.

THE BUNKER is an uneven psychological thriller that explores paranoia and the Big Brother aspects of government. There is some interesting social commentary, but the film is ultimately light on the thriller / action elements.

I don't really think this met the requirements of a man in his 50's racing against time to beat the clock.  The main protagonist was contained to a bunker and was never forced to go after anything.  Despite the requirements not being met, The Bunker managed to keep my attention some what - but ultimately, I wasn't blown away.  Let me discuss what I did and did not like. . .

I never felt a sense of danger throughout any of the story.  There's some sort of crazy outbreak that happens, but our protag conveniently has gas masks in the car for every single person?  That's too convenient.  I don't like when characters get off so easy.  If characters get off easy, things start to get boring.

I don't think I started to get interested in The Bunker until page 31, which is far too late in the game for me.  I like to be hooked within the first 5-10.  I normally check out around the 25-30 pages point if nothing good is happening, but then you introduced us to the fact that North and Maggie are having an affair and that Maggie might be pregnant with his baby.  This became an interesting predicament, because having a man trapped in a very small location with his wife, child, and pregnant mistress, can lead to some very entertaining scenes.  

The only problem was that it felt like it was the only main conflict going on and when you have a contained anything, you need to have a lot of shit going on, because contained anything can get real boring real fast if things aren't constantly switching up or changing.  There should be something fresh happening every 5-10 pages - 15 at the max.

Going back to the crazy outbreak that happens in the beginning, something tells me that we could of had a whole lot more fun with that than going the low budget route of containment.  I never felt like these characters were in real peril or that their lives were on the line.  The outside craziness never really played a big, threatening part in anything.  The only thing we had to worry about was Jon's agenda and whether Dana was going to find out about North and Maggie's affair.  It just wasn't enough for me, and combined with a number of other issues (like a lack of goals, stakes and urgency...among other things), The Bunker ended up being a bit of a disappointment.

Sold!  to Lykos Film

note: 1+6WC - This was a script that came about as a result of a 7 week challenge.

- Don

Good news.

Wow, look at you go! Congrats!! I haven't read the script, look forward to watching it someday though)

That's awesome. Congratulations. =)

Congrats! Great news!

Very, very cool - congratulations.

And picked up from here too.  

Go Dena! My film partner!  I can brag, right?  

Congrats.

Gabe

Splendiferous news!  Your hard slog is paying off, Dena.

P.S. I see they are an Italian prod co?

Way to go Dena!