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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2014 One + 6  Week Challenge  ›  Slow Mo - 1+6WC - Feature
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  Author    Slow Mo - 1+6WC - Feature  (currently 4950 views)
EWall433
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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This was a fun one with a lot of cool ideas. I liked that it embraces its pulpier elements and just runs with it. It felt like Cranked with maybe a dash of Sin City thrown in for flavor. I could see a director having fun with the main gimmick…

Just starting in and realizing, this could almost be a superhero origin story, though maybe of the Unbreakable variety.

I dig the skydiving bit, but I’m wondering if there’s more going on here, or if these guys just like to dispatch people in the most theatrical ways possible. [it was the latter]

Pg. 5 “SCALLION: I knew. I just knew.” What did he know?

Nice touch with Fallows drinking himself into surgery.

Pg. 10 What caused the distillery to start blowing up? Stray bullet hit something?

A funny thing is happening during this scene, maybe it’s the combination of hillbillies, a sheriff and a forest distillery, but it’s playing in my head like a scene from Boardwalk Empire. I’m having to remind myself that this is modern day.

Pg. 14 I don’t think I’d drive away with a stranger still at the door,even a familiar one, particularly if my children were still inside. [or maybe they were supposed to have followed her. I’d still feel weird about leaving with someone standing on my stoop, though]

Pg. 15 “MO: How do I know it’s not you trying to kill me?” Why does he think anyone is trying to kill him? Could this have not been an accidental shooting?

Pg. 17 “SHARPELLI: You look fit enough to me.” I wonder if he’s got ulterior motives. Mo definitely needs to go to a hospital about as quick as someone could get him there.

Scallion and Knight are so out of place with everything else, but in a way that I like. I’m interested to see what effect they have once they reach this small town (which is still playing in my head like a sort of “throwback” town, a place where time stood still).

Pg. 24 The amount of characters has me doubling back a bit. Charmaine for example. I could tell he appeared because you didn’t cap his intro, but couldn’t remember where. Looking back I saw, but it’s such a quick moment I imagine it would be easy to miss the connection.

Pg. 29 I think a crackhead is the perfect person to be delivering your concept exposition. It would somehow be more absurd if a doctor said it. It’s good to just throw science to the wind when you need to.

Pg. 30 Seems like Mo found Twanita by accident? I’d prefer to see him following clues. After the crackhouse it seemed like Mo started wandering again. What if he found something there that led to Twanita. Or maybe Twanita is who he ultimately finds there. It would make it less of a coincidence.

Pg. 34 I’m not sure Jeff is important enough to warrant a flashback.

I’m starting to get a sense of how Knight and Scallion may interact with Mo, but if I’m right that interaction will be almost entirely backended. I think this could benefit from an interim antagonist, someone for Mo to contend with in the meantime. Maybe this exists already and it just needs focus.

Pg. 35 “Jeff opens the chamber, sees it is fully loaded.” He could shoot them right now.

Pg. 36 Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Jeff had a huge advantage there. If I were him, I would’ve felt cautiously optimistic. I can’t see why he chose what he did. Although I do appreciate the effect it has on Scallion.

Pg. 43 I have a similar problem to the end of Mo’s scene here as the crackhouse scene. He’s in a situation that promises to provide some clues as to what’s happened to him, but leaves without learning anything. It leaves him without direction and, in my eyes, without purpose. Where does he go now that could possibly be more important than going to the hospital to get that looked at?

Pg. 49 “Sharpelli’s 4x4 roars past a sign declaring, SMALL TOWN.” I imagine an actual town name was to be fitted in there.

Pg. 51 Flanders/Fallows. It seems like a long way around to have Mo start off with these two and run off, only to ultimately be back here finding his answers this way.

Pg. 55 “SHARPELLI: They’ve got Charlene.” This makes it sound as if she’s been kidnapped. Does he realize she’s actually dead?

Pg. 63 “MO(VO): I’m Carl Beckford, a federal agent.” I was originally confused about what Mo’s moral dilemma was, as he seemed to be up to his neck in crime anyway, but this clears it up. Clears up the dual identity as well. Nice reveal.

I forgot who David was and had to go back. You could probably merge this guy with Charmaine’s character if you wanted. Or switch them up. Considering how they were introduced it might make more sense to have David die trying to kidnap Jenny while Charmaine watches Knight and Scallion climb a mountain.

Pg. 66 “Mo sighs angrily, lost for words.”  Did Mo know Charlene?

Pg. 67 “He retrieves a large plastic bag full of weed and rolls up a huge joint, lights it... waits for enlightenment.” Lol

So Mo’s amnesia seems to be gone. He knows what’s going on. I, however, still have questions. What was his original mission. Does he know anything about Scallion and Knight and their crew that we wouldn’t?

Pg. 77 “KNIGHT: This place will be swarming with police... the army.” The army? I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask… what’s on the CD?

After the scenes with Scallion and Knight skydiving to the forest and playing their games there, I would’ve liked to see them and Mo more isolated. 2 on 1, so he could honestly beat them at their own game.

Pg. 82  Looking through the feedback, I interpreted Scallion’s suicide differently than you intended. I looked at it as him simply reverting to cowardice. I had similar feelings when Jeff did it.

I liked the complexity in the storyline, here. In that regard it almost felt like something the Coen Brothers would dream up. But I think that it could also benefit from a larger page count. To be honest, with all the different characters, with all their own little subplots going on, this feels like a movie that wants to be closer to 120 pages than 90. Balancing all those characters might be hard though because…

Mo should probably be the clear lead. I think any director looking to film this would be most excited by the prospect of giving all this slow motion carnage a sort of visual poetry (brain matter wafting through the air and such) so I imagine they’d want to pull the focus in on Mo. But as indicated above, I felt his story meandered a bit. I understand you didn’t want to give away too much too soon, but I‘m not sure Mo really learned anything significant on his own. I wanted to solve the movie with Mo, but felt like I was solving it apart from him. If you could get Mo’s search for answers to intersect some of these characters earlier, without giving anything away, I think it would make the whole piece stronger.

But overall I enjoyed this. Unique tone and energy, and a concept that should be enticing for any director looking to shoot in style. Good luck with it.

Eric
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 24th, 2014, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Last Fountain
SLO MO is a fast paced LSD-laced nut-bag action flick that never lets up or relents for anything.

The dark and twisted elements are sure to offend some and intrigue others. The perverse and psychotic elements never over-take everything else. There is also a good mystery within. There is a good amount of dark humour that keeps the brutal violence and depraved sexuality from tainting this into something opaque.

Plain and simple – I had a lot of fun with the non-stop action and bizarre concept.


Thank you. I'm glad you got some entertainment out of it.



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First, a digression - I’ll comment on the camera direction stuff. Normally, I leave all these format/spelling issues up to other reviewers, since most seem to concentrate on these elements rather than constructive criticism. So I feel like I should address some positives to these camera directions. I like how the movie shifts in and out of slow motion. Maybe all you need to state is “SLO MO:” and describe the actions. What I like in this script is that the camera directions are NECESSARY as they actually direct the story. They aren’t some sort of stylistic decision. For me, I’d rid the 1st page of the bracketed information. After all, this is a fun balls-to-the-wall concept so I don’t take the slow-mo mentions as insulting or poor formatting. In this case, I want to see what you see.  - And…end digression.


Yes, I think you're right. Striking a balance would be better. I don't like director notes either, so I'll try and write around it if I can.


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The opening image is so STRIKING. I really love the gruesome nature of our introduction into this world. The sentence is awkwardly worded. I’d consider pairing the shooing of the rat with the mention of Jeff. So I’d open on the brutal wound, then the rat. What a great way to say, “Hi. This is my movie. Ready or not, here it comes.”



I'll look into improving that. I feel that the first three pages are a little shaky, writing-wise... they would benefit from a little more flow.


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I also appreciate the little DETAILS like the toe poking through the boot. And how the homeless guy finds a severely injured man and doesn’t think of getting help, he thinks of the opportunity to get money. I also love the shock of Mo awakening and fingering his massive head wound.

Right away, this movie has DARK HUMOUR soaking the edges of DERANGED ACTION.


Yes. Certainly tongue in cheek stuff


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I like how the character names are full of FLAVOUR. This skydive stuff is a rather bold opening action sequence. What a memorable way to meet our baddies(?). The surfboard to forest transition is just crazy enough. This reminds me of CRANK meets XXX (and I’m thinking the Vin Diesel movie here). It makes me wonder who are these guys and why did they make these 2 battle over one parachute (if I understood that correctly). Very INTRIGUING opening pages - just NUTS enough.

Your DESCRIPTIONS are VERY GOOD. They are sparse when needed. What I enjoy is the descriptions that build each scene. You orchestrate each shift in scenery with enough specific details that we can see what’s on screen. Then as the scene moves on the detailing grows thin. I like this economic approach on STYLE. You use unique details where it’s needed. That’s why I want to see what you see, down to the shifts into slow motion. I want to know when you envision “slo-mo mode”. Although, I’m sure in the pages to come it will still be suggestive enough to indicate this shift in POV.


I would have enjoyed doing that, directing the POV shots too, and I would gain a few pages if I did. On the other hand I agree that aesthetically it doesn't look pretty.


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I like the Sheriff’s intro. We just heard the doctor mention him by name, and then we meet him with this regular “day at the office”. I wonder if it’s the same woods the skydivers landed in? I like the attack with Crater Face and the hillbillies. The setting and details within gives this film even more GRIME and GUNGE. And it looks like Sharpelli isn’t afraid to get dirty. He gets the job done even if he must take more brutal measures to do so.

When Mo awakens from “surgery” I imagine there are some slo-mo moments. This is an instance where I would appreciate the indication of slow motion. I really feel like this style is part of the concept’s CHARM. I feel like this excitement gets buried when you don’t mention of it. Maybe there is a balance to be found – like when to mention he hears something slow (if it’s important for him to misunderstand) and when he sees something slow (to further show confusion or elaborate / embellish actions). ALSO, I got a good CHUCKLE when the doc mentions he gave Mo enough sedative to knock out an elephant – cut to: Mo staggering awake. Good stuff.


Yes, I think you're right. It kinda just becomes an ordinary thriller without the concept fully explored. Same thoughts also struck me... which is why it's good to hear it from someone else too.



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That was UNEXPECTED. Mo busts out of the doc’s house. And crosses paths with Sharpelli. I like how doc faces the Sheriff. I wonder if you could slightly alter this dialogue for a more obvious laugh. Instead, doc says, “Sharpelli? Have I got a strange little story for you.” By also mentioning his name you ensure the audience is aware that the Sheriff is Sharpelli. I’m not sure if the hillbillies ever mentioned his name. And I’m sure his nametag would inform viewers. I suppose this is just a little note for clarity’s sake.


I'll look into making that clearer, thanks.


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The BRIEF scene with Jenny could use a bit more meat. It doesn’t let us know much about her. I assume this is Mo’s wife. I also wonder how the politician, David, ties into all this? Sharpelli’s jail scene is rather brief as well. I assume you’re just filling in the blanks here, and letting us know he got these guys to jail. For me, I already filled that blank. I assumed the Sheriff dropped off the baddies before he arrived outside the doctor’s house.


I agree. I was treading carefully around her because I didn't want to give too much away. I wanted to make it appear she could be a criminal's wife or anyone's wife.


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What I’m more COMPELLED by is Sharpelli tracking down Mo. I’d focus on that instead – as the next scene has them together anyways. And then soon after you address the hillbillies imprisonment, thus making the earlier jail drop off redundant, in my eyes. Just some minor tweaks. Oh. And that in-between scene with Jenny and David hiding in her house was CREEPY too. I like how these MULTIPLE PLOTLINES are building rather quickly. I hope you touch on the skydivers soon. There’s a lot to juggle. So far, I think you’re doing that rather well.


Thanks, I'll look into that one too.


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I like the development of memory loss with Mo. He doesn’t even remember if he has a family. How heartbreaking. I like how you avoid melodrama here. It’s more an intriguing turn of events, rather than an emotional one. At this point, I feel like this is appropriate. He has a mission to find out who harmed him, but also to find himself. His identity. His family. INTRIGUING stuff.


Melodrama has its place... but probably not in an action flick. Thanks.


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A minor nitpick. Would a 50 year old man be referred to as “son”? Wow. A jail break. This movie just doesn’t let up. I like the idea of stringing the Sheriff up by a tree. Maybe you could include this in dialogue so the audience gets to enjoy this idea too. It demonstrates a different (backwards) sense of justice.


Irony is always good. You're right on the son thing... it can also be a way of slightly belittling somebody or claiming alpha male status over another male. All depends on the context and the tone used to say it. But that would take ages to put across in a script and not worth the time, so I'll cut it. Doesn't need to be there.


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Okay. The hotel scene. You didn’t spare any details there either. Hehehehe. What did I say before about grime and gunge. Yeah. You continue this atmosphere. This is something you don’t see in a lot of movies. The oral sex scene adds another MEMORABLE moment. That said, I’m glad to see a return of these skydivers. Their intro brought up a lot of questions. I’m interested to know more about them and what they were doing on that plane earlier. It looks like Mo took something they want. And it somehow involves our politician, David. I didn’t expect this level of intricate detail regarding motives in a pulpy action thriller called Slo Mo.


Thanks. Intricate is a compliment.


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I love it when Mo says, “I’ve got to keep moving. If I stay still, I die.” This felt like a real TRAILER MOMENT. It explains the concept very concisely. It adds a lot of URGENCY too. He can’t stop. What a welcome addition to keep this very intense.


Thanks, this was a later addition, so I'm glad it works.


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It seems like the Sheriff and the FBI agent have come across Mo’s crime scene where he was shot in the head. I wonder if this is a good moment to reveal a bit more about what happened there. Maybe we could use a little clue without giving it all away. Also, nice suggestion with the importance of this case. Whatever secret Mo has it’s important enough to garner Federal interest. Nice work in that regard.


Excellent idea, thank you. I'll certainly use it. Thanks for the change of title idea with the first ten too, as you can see, I took your advice.



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After some good ACTION bits, the crack-head recounts the night’s events. I enjoyed some of his DIALOGUE, especially the bit about a FLY. The adrenaline / morphine / cocaine / heroine combos add another interesting element. This development leads to some exciting VISUAL possibilities. The director would have quite a palette to work with. Plot-wise, I’m sure these drugs will become integral somewhere down the line. And it looks like Mo might be closer to getting some ANSWERS with Twanita. I’m glad someone recognizes him and we have a chance to learn more ourselves. It seems like Mo might have a dark hidden past.


Twanita is something of a red herring. You've just pointed out to me why she's there. If I lose Twanita, I lose the red herring. She's there to distract the viewer.


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I’m not sure the flashback in the helicopter is necessary. But it was kind of funny to see what Jeff used to be like. I wonder if this could simply be mentioned in dialogue. However, if flashbacks are used later, this is a nice way to lead us into their deployment (versus coming out of nowhere).


Yeah maybe dialogue, or just a better delivery. I'll think about it thanks. It does strike me as being out of place too.


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Wow – and the scene has an UNEXPECTED ending. I didn’t imagine Jeff killing himself. It doesn’t quite click. I assume he’s simply denying these baddies their pleasure. He takes control by pulling the trigger himself. Complex, shocking, and bold - but ultimately an uneven decision, for my liking.


I like to do the unexpected sometimes. It takes the viewer out of their comfort zone. They really don't know what's going to happen next, so stop thinking about it, sit back and enjoy it. At least, that's the hope.


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Lots of interesting theories begin to brew. Thanks for this. I love participating in the MYSTERY.


Thank you for enjoying it. The reveal isn't all that... but I like that I've managed to keep it a secret so far.


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I like that Charlene gets her own car chase action scene. I wonder if she should have a moment even earlier in the script since she gets a fair amount of screen time. As is, her introduction felt like it was rather late in the proceedings.


Yeah, I wanted to give the girls a chance. My scripts can be very male oriented at times. Even with this one, Charlene was originally a man.



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Charlene should be more of a fighter. I think it’d be cool if it seemed like she might kill these guys with her bare hands. I liked her RUSE and her end though. I would say this gives more weight to my suggestion she appear earlier. Make her feel like a main character that dies. For me, it would mean this info Mo uncovered is even MORE important.


Yeah, i suppose the Charlene character does need working in better.


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Mo sleeping makes sense - it’s been a long day, right. But I wonder how this affects his earlier statement of “if I stay still, I die”? Maybe he listens to loud music that gets his adrenaline going or burns off energy moving to (head-banging or whatever). Might be funny, might be too goofy. You decide. Hehehe.


That's a mistake. He shouldn't be sleeping. There was another incidence of him sleeping that I deleted. The must keep moving thing came last minute.


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I like how Mo declines a coffee, but I think there’s a joke to be had and a plot point to be addressed. Maybe Sheriff says something like, “Put that away, so I can forget I ever saw it.” This way he points out the illegal activity but allows it in this extreme predicament.


Great point. I'll look into that.


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The sheriff’s interruption felt rather forced. I wonder if there’s a better way to integrate this idea. After all, Mo has to go back “under” anyway to get more info. I am glad to see Sheriff vent some RAGE. And I’m glad he learns of Charlene. How will he react when he learns of her demise?


Another great point. I'll look over that scene again. Thanks.


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OVERALL, this was the craziest action flick I’ve “seen” in a while. I like the surreal elements, crazy action set pieces, and dark humour. The tight pacing never lets up for a second. While this leans much more towards action, there was enough of a mystery to justify its inclusion in the thriller genre.


Thanks mate, glad you liked it. I'll take all of your points into consideration for the rewrite. Thanks also for the lengthy review, I know they can take a while to write. I'll endeavour to be just as considerate for your own script.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Slo Mo

I'm not a fan of the story, but the slow motion concept got a strong punch in my eyes.

Here are some notes. I hope some things help anyway.


"Fallows arrives in the front doorway of his house.

FALLOWS
It’s a strange story."

The moment where the fourth wall breaks a bit. Good. Cinematic telling.


"DAVID
Wow, your sisters?

JENNY
Daughters... look..."

? With "daughters" she gives the wrong answer/reaction to his bs or she's stupid which is possible of course.

Jenny didn't tell her daughters what to do when she leaves the house; or say good bye or sth..

p 16 she shivers because of the back draught, right? You can make this visual, it needed some time, for me, to understand this, because there are a lot of things happening in this sequence and I first asked myself, did she shiver because of something else...

Okay, no kids at home, but money, and that's assuaging her suspicion.

I can imagine you forgot about the kids and she just feared sb. robbed her...or it's the money from inside Mo's wallet; that said

AT THIS POINT there are many open strings.

"Mo works out in a cell..."

Hm. So, Mo was arrested, because he acts weird as a supernatural, I guess... but that's uneven anyway. Mo has still his bandage around his head, he needs help; also he didn't intervene or asks for help. Okay, it's fictional... let's see.

Okay, next scene and you're doing the above. I think you should "start" that talk on the street- Mo's moving along too passive.

The telephone rings and Knight ejaculates into Scallion’s
mouth.

Very subtle.

I thought more about a straight story. This Slo Mo concept is B-movie anyway at first sight (like street racing or "Limitless" where drugs make the prot smarter) which is not a problem at all. Handled well and executed with style it could entertain a lot and make money, I believe, and even grow up to a big summer blockbuster.

As you see, I made a lot of points by now. At p 24 I finally start to think you wrote the wrong story with the right concept. I'll read through from now on.

Okay. It's a big fierce fighting between all those characters.

I think Mo's anywhere in there, but he and his crazy skills should stand in the main focus.

As said I think it's the right concept - how you handled the slow mo angle. I applaud you to give it such an opportunity. Especially to show both ways- Either Mo sees everything in slow motion or the neutral perspective which shows him damn fast on the other side. Trailer stuff.

There was a point I asked myself if this works - p 13 - when he started to run with a double pace than normal people. So, what does it mean – is it too cartoonish... I don't think so. Double pace as normal means maybe 20% faster than Usain Bold, or slightly faster than Jackie Chan or etc.... And those visuals, plus the whole SLOW POV-concept could be great, and aesthetic.

The big point because I think it's the wrong story: The setting, the world you've drawn out. For me this is high budget stuff – it belongs to New York City or London, Rio, a fictional kind of Sin City or Shanghai (if you make it with martial arts). I think a fictional city would be the best place.

Such a concept needs more than a small village with a sheriff and a distillery and all that IMO.

Out of the rooftop jump and the private plane I see high budget stuff, and good Action of course, settled in low budget locations.

Also I think the other characters should have  much lower weight. The whole multi-million stuff would be building up and promoted on this Slo Mo stuff I guess. Or the other gangsters would have to have some similar abilities to earn the strong parts they have here.

story - not my thing
slow motion concept - quite strong







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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from EWall433
This was a fun one with a lot of cool ideas. I liked that it embraces its pulpier elements and just runs with it. It felt like Cranked with maybe a dash of Sin City thrown in for flavor. I could see a director having fun with the main gimmick…


I definitely had Cranked in mind when I first came up with this concept. I thought Crank was pretty original in that it is hardly used. So I wanted to do a slight variation on that.


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Just starting in and realizing, this could almost be a superhero origin story, though maybe of the Unbreakable variety.


I realised that too as I was writing it. It's a concept with a broad range of use.


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Pg. 5 “SCALLION: I knew. I just knew.” What did he know?


That he could make the jump. I think it would play out better if Scallion wasn't so OTN about it. I know a way to word it better in the action so this isn't as confusing though, so I'll make that fix.


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Nice touch with Fallows drinking himself into surgery.


I like to add touches of irony whenever I can. It always draws a smile from me whenever I recognise it in a story.


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Pg. 10 What caused the distillery to start blowing up? Stray bullet hit something?


Crater Face does it to get rid of evidence... I'll make that clearer.


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A funny thing is happening during this scene, maybe it’s the combination of hillbillies, a sheriff and a forest distillery, but it’s playing in my head like a scene from Boardwalk Empire. I’m having to remind myself that this is modern day.


I think I psychologically do that when I thin of hillbillies, I tend to take them back in time. I find the same thing in the deprived areas of my city. It's like going back to the 80s in some parts, like they're refusing to keep pace with us. Niot saying Hillbillies are deprived monetarily, just with their fashion sense etc. Probably a stereotypical viewpoint, but I do kinda take things back in time there. Plus I pretty much just have the TV and films to go on in this respect. I much prefer to write from experience, so I'm probably out of my depth there. I tried to flip things with the chess playing.


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Pg. 14 I don’t think I’d drive away with a stranger still at the door,even a familiar one, particularly if my children were still inside. [or maybe they were supposed to have followed her. I’d still feel weird about leaving with someone standing on my stoop, though]


Yeah, she's taking them to school, so they followed her. I'll have to make that clearer.


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Pg. 15 “MO: How do I know it’s not you trying to kill me?” Why does he think anyone is trying to kill him? Could this have not been an accidental shooting?


You're right, it could have been.


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Pg. 17 “SHARPELLI: You look fit enough to me.” I wonder if he’s got ulterior motives. Mo definitely needs to go to a hospital about as quick as someone could get him there.


Yeah, I need to figure that all out. It's a weak point of the story, definitely. I hate loose ends.


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Pg. 24 The amount of characters has me doubling back a bit. Charmaine for example. I could tell he appeared because you didn’t cap his intro, but couldn’t remember where. Looking back I saw, but it’s such a quick moment I imagine it would be easy to miss the connection.


In the vomit I had only Scallion as the main antag, Knight and Charmaine were henchmen, only Charmaine was called something else and I did a search replace to change his name later and forgot to put it in uppercase.


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Pg. 29 I think a crackhead is the perfect person to be delivering your concept exposition. It would somehow be more absurd if a doctor said it. It’s good to just throw science to the wind when you need to.


I agree. It's that irony thing again.


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Pg. 30 Seems like Mo found Twanita by accident? I’d prefer to see him following clues. After the crackhouse it seemed like Mo started wandering again. What if he found something there that led to Twanita. Or maybe Twanita is who he ultimately finds there. It would make it less of a coincidence.


Great point, thank you.


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Pg. 34 I’m not sure Jeff is important enough to warrant a flashback.


I didn't like it when I wrote it. I could maybe move it to just before he shoots himself in the head.


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I’m starting to get a sense of how Knight and Scallion may interact with Mo, but if I’m right that interaction will be almost entirely backended. I think this could benefit from an interim antagonist, someone for Mo to contend with in the meantime. Maybe this exists already and it just needs focus.


David would be ideal, I suppose. I'll have to check the story again to see if that works.


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Pg. 35 “Jeff opens the chamber, sees it is fully loaded.” He could shoot them right now.


He could, but not everyone would. Fear is a funny thing. I get your point though the gun should be tucked into his waistband just before being pushed out... avoid any questions.


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Pg. 36 Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Jeff had a huge advantage there. If I were him, I would’ve felt cautiously optimistic. I can’t see why he chose what he did. Although I do appreciate the effect it has on Scallion.


He knows he's not meant to win. He hasn't really got an advantage. Knight and Scallion are way too skilled.


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Pg. 43 I have a similar problem to the end of Mo’s scene here as the crackhouse scene. He’s in a situation that promises to provide some clues as to what’s happened to him, but leaves without learning anything. It leaves him without direction and, in my eyes, without purpose. Where does he go now that could possibly be more important than going to the hospital to get that looked at?


He's learned that he has a fake address on his driving license.


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Pg. 49 “Sharpelli’s 4x4 roars past a sign declaring, SMALL TOWN.” I imagine an actual town name was to be fitted in there.


I found it ironic to call the town, Small Town. That's its name.


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Pg. 51 Flanders/Fallows. It seems like a long way around to have Mo start off with these two and run off, only to ultimately be back here finding his answers this way.


I'll have to think about that.


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Pg. 55 “SHARPELLI: They’ve got Charlene.” This makes it sound as if she’s been kidnapped. Does he realize she’s actually dead?


No. He just knows she's gone.


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Pg. 63 “MO(VO): I’m Carl Beckford, a federal agent.” I was originally confused about what Mo’s moral dilemma was, as he seemed to be up to his neck in crime anyway, but this clears it up. Clears up the dual identity as well. Nice reveal.


Thanks. I held off as long as I could. The idea was to make it appear he's a criminal.


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I forgot who David was and had to go back. You could probably merge this guy with Charmaine’s character if you wanted. Or switch them up. Considering how they were introduced it might make more sense to have David die trying to kidnap Jenny while Charmaine watches Knight and Scallion climb a mountain.


I'll keep that in mind. Any excuse to drop characters is fine with me.


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Pg. 66 “Mo sighs angrily, lost for words.”  Did Mo know Charlene?


No, but he feels something for Sharpelli.


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So Mo’s amnesia seems to be gone. He knows what’s going on. I, however, still have questions. What was his original mission. Does he know anything about Scallion and Knight and their crew that we wouldn’t?


I don't like exposition. If it isn't revealed by the end of the story then I'll figure out some way of doing that.


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Pg. 77 “KNIGHT: This place will be swarming with police... the army.” The army? I suppose this is as good a place as any to ask… what’s on the CD?


Something that's important enough for all this trouble.


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After the scenes with Scallion and Knight skydiving to the forest and playing their games there, I would’ve liked to see them and Mo more isolated. 2 on 1, so he could honestly beat them at their own game.


I think you may be right.


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Pg. 82  Looking through the feedback, I interpreted Scallion’s suicide differently than you intended. I looked at it as him simply reverting to cowardice. I had similar feelings when Jeff did it.


Yeah, Jeff's was done through cowardice... but I'm not sure what about Scallion's character suggests coward. I don't think one should paint with broad strokes. Obviously if one's character suggests otherwise then so must the reasons for their choices.


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I liked the complexity in the storyline, here. In that regard it almost felt like something the Coen Brothers would dream up. But I think that it could also benefit from a larger page count. To be honest, with all the different characters, with all their own little subplots going on, this feels like a movie that wants to be closer to 120 pages than 90. Balancing all those characters might be hard though because…


It's never easy balancing a character-rich script. A part of the reason I stuck it out with this script was the challenge involve din doing so.


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Mo should probably be the clear lead. I think any director looking to film this would be most excited by the prospect of giving all this slow motion carnage a sort of visual poetry (brain matter wafting through the air and such) so I imagine they’d want to pull the focus in on Mo. But as indicated above, I felt his story meandered a bit. I understand you didn’t want to give away too much too soon, but I‘m not sure Mo really learned anything significant on his own. I wanted to solve the movie with Mo, but felt like I was solving it apart from him. If you could get Mo’s search for answers to intersect some of these characters earlier, without giving anything away, I think it would make the whole piece stronger.


I honestly think an easier route would be to make Sharpelli the main protag. But I could strengthen the Mo character too. You make some good points that I'll take my time mulling over.


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But overall I enjoyed this. Unique tone and energy, and a concept that should be enticing for any director looking to shoot in style. Good luck with it.

Eric


Thanks mate. I appreciate the time and effort you went to for this review.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Slo Mo

I'm not a fan of the story, but the slow motion concept got a strong punch in my eyes.


The first person to say this... and I agree. As you've been so perceptive, I'll impart my reasons for not fulfilling this concept in the way it deserves.... which to my mind, is a superhero origins story...

The way I saw this contest was selling a low-mid range budget... so I tried to fit the parameters of the contest around the concept. Personally, I think I've done pretty well in that regard. However in terms of fulfilling this concept's potential, I've fallen short.



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"DAVID
Wow, your sisters?

JENNY
Daughters... look..."

? With "daughters" she gives the wrong answer/reaction to his bs or she's stupid which is possible of course.


I disagree.


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Jenny didn't tell her daughters what to do when she leaves the house; or say good bye or sth..


Not sure what you mean, but the kids leave the house with her. I'll make that clearer.


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p 16 she shivers because of the back draught, right? You can make this visual, it needed some time, for me, to understand this, because there are a lot of things happening in this sequence and I first asked myself, did she shiver because of something else...


I think the scene makes it obvious what is happening. Films are not made sentence by sentence, so not everything needs to be explained like that.


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Okay, no kids at home, but money, and that's assuaging her suspicion.


I can imagine you forgot about the kids and she just feared sb. robbed her...or it's the money from inside Mo's wallet; that said


No, I didn't forget about the kids. She just dropped them at school.


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Okay, next scene and you're doing the above. I think you should "start" that talk on the street- Mo's moving along too passive.


I'll look into it.


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The telephone rings and Knight ejaculates into Scallion’s
mouth.

Very subtle.


Is it needed?



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Okay. It's a big fierce fighting between all those characters.


I think so.


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The big point because I think it's the wrong story: The setting, the world you've drawn out. For me this is high budget stuff – it belongs to New York City or London, Rio, a fictional kind of Sin City or Shanghai (if you make it with martial arts). I think a fictional city would be the best place.


I agree.


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Such a concept needs more than a small village with a sheriff and a distillery and all that IMO.


I agree.


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Also I think the other characters should have  much lower weight. The whole multi-million stuff would be building up and promoted on this Slo Mo stuff I guess. Or the other gangsters would have to have some similar abilities to earn the strong parts they have here.

story - not my thing
slow motion concept - quite strong


Good point.

Thanks for taking the time out to review the script. Your opinion is valued and appreciated.
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Leegion
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Next on my list.  Will have a review for you tomorrow.
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Leegion
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Dustin,

I've read the first 10 pages. Time is a little spent at the minute on other things.

It's drastically different from the original 10. Writing flows nicely. Characters fit. Better than the hospital as that's one thing I'm not sure I liked. The new doctor appointment seems a better fit. Still not sure how the heck Mo survives getting shot in the noggin...

Guess I'll find out.

I'll read a little more tonight. Hopefully have a review worth a damn by Friday as my words thus far ain't much to go on.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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No worries mate, I've had a resurgence of the virus so I wouldn't be able to read it properly anyway.
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Heretic
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Okay. Taken me way too long to get to this. Apologies!

Page 1: Obviously you want that big opening image, but I'm wondering if it might be worth it to add a couple moments of Jeff on the front here. We want to either follow along with Jeff as he discovers Mo, or start with a near-dead Mo in his own, silent space, and then see Jeff stumble upon him -- not have our perspective split between the two. In my opinion!

Page 2: Does he check the license here? Look at the name? It seems like he should, and if he does, it seems like we should see it.

Page 4: Mikesh's recovery of the parachute is reasonably badass, as is the fact that he's calm enough to say "bastards" when there's no chute. This feels a little jarring when we were just introduced to him sobbing like an infant. That kind of total emasculation distances us from him enough that it might be difficult to fully engage with the excitement immediately afterwards...if that concern makes sense? It's a fantastically weird scene, but my ambivalence towards Mikesh undercuts it a bit.

Page 9: The Woman adds a nice dimension of ugliness here -- the same tone as Mikesh's dribbling snot, in a way, a little bit more ugly edge than the average for this kind of flick (at least, the average of the U.S. equivalent).

Page 11: Speaking of women, you know who should be female? The Jeff character. We'll see if I change that claim as the story continues. But I think my broader point here is that I'd be pleased to see a woman around here somewhere.

Page 12: The somewhat monstrous image of Mo here (evokes Darkman, for me) is making me realize something -- it'd be great to see some early touches of personality here, like right off the bat. A little moment where we get a sense of Mo's character, right away, so we know where our allegiance is eventually going to lie in all this. Anything from whistling a long-remembered tune, to dazedly telling Jeff a joke when they first meet, to saying something unexpected when he first wakes up post-surgery.

Page 15: Oh, what? Why not keep Crater Face and Hillbilly in the back while Sharpelli hunts down Mo? I'm sure there's a reason, but it seems like a missed opportunity for some serious comedy. Plus, I'm tempted to say it makes more sense for Sharpelli to go after Mo as soon as he sees him, since he's bloody and jumping through windows.
We can probably put it together, but when we cut to Jenny's landing (here's my woman, by the way, cheers) we don't technically know where David is. Worth including a picture of Jenny and her daughters on a coffee table, or something?

Page 17: How many Hillbillies enter, here? Picturing, like, a bunch.

Page 19: Haha I'm all for serendipity, with this kind of tone, but what is Woman doing here? Did she come with the Hillbillies?

Page 22: As Mo runs away from Fallows, I'm wondering a little bit where Sharpelli is. Or, more importantly, how he parted from Mo. I'm assuming he let Mo go see Fallows on account of his good behaviour, but it might be worth giving this a line here.

Page 25: I'm really enjoying this world as it's being built, but I do feel like Mo is getting lost a bit amidst all the stuff that's going on. Because he's basically all mystery at this point, it's a little bit difficult to engage with him the same way that we engage with all the storylines we understand better (plus, he just plain hasn't done much, yet). I wonder if it'd be good to leave him one clue, right at the start, even if it's a red herring, so we get the sense that maybe he's going in a specific direction?

Page 26: Yeah. Another thing is that I just feel like Mo has way less personality than everyone around him -- part of the reason why is obvious, but he can still have a little more fun, I think. Part of the reason he's getting drowned out is that there are so many character with big, colourful personalities.

Page 27: Glad to see Mo shooting people, but I'm thinking the scene is a little gratuitous/pointless as is. We already know that Mo's got extraordinary-ish abilities, and I don't think these guys are relevant to the plot...?

Page 30: Great names in this script, by the way.

Page 34: Young-Jeff is "Young-Frank" the first time he's mentioned. I find the sudden flashback digression a little out of left field, both stylistically and narratively. All our other "flashes" belong to Mo. Maybe it's necessary, here, that we understand Scallion knows Jeff's real backstory for some reason?

Page 35: "If you didn't believe you could win..." I think this line should be the opposite? Something meaning "If you didn't believe you WOULD win"?
On a side note, if I were in a theatre, I wouldn't be able to resist yelling "Shoot them NOW!" as soon as they give Jeff the gun.

Page 41: Random thought. The slaughter of the Hillbillies could benefit from a hapless deputy getting shot up in the mix.

Page 42: Extremely abrupt entry into the action at the start of this scene. Would benefit from a couple lines or something at the front.

Page 44: Kinda missing the beat here where Charlene suddenly realizes she's in much deeper shit than just one vehicle following. Just a line or expression or whatever. Is she still taking this completely in stride, or is this out of her comfort zone now, once the trucks show up?

Page 46: Crackhead probably deserves a name, eh? He's stickin' around.

Shoot, I gotta stop. I WILL finish this tomorrow.

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Heretic  -  September 26th, 2014, 12:08am
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Heretic
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Page 51: Fallows is Flanders here. Sure somebody pointed that out. This scene feels very circular -- we end up with Mo back with Fallows and Sharpelli, and we realize that in all those pages he hasn't really done anything at this point that changes his relationship to either of them. Whatever happens now probably should have happened before...

Page 52: The family home seems a little too happy-family cliché, here, to me.

Page 53: I would leave the "get into my part" line for after the Girls have gotten into the car. This is a great little double-take moment, here, and it'd be good to hold off the reveal for as long as possible. Tiny thought.
Sharpelli just leaves and goes all the way back to the jailhouse? This seems like a weird moment. This scene is in the present, right? I'm assuming because it's at night. If it is present, isn't the jailhouse full of dead Hillbillies?
On a side note, cutting out of a flashback to a different location in present time seems jarring -- that's my kneejerk reaction. Have to think about this one.

Page 55: Oh wait. Actually that "get into my part" line should happen after this, too. Sharpelli's "scumbag" line should come as a potential reveal. Right now, we already know that Mo was undercover, so we can just ignore it.
The whole scene comes off as a little comical. Sharpelli storms in, wakes Mo up, is immediately placated, and Mo goes back under. Probably not really needed at all.

Page 57: Well, you introduced women, but now Charlene's dead and it's becoming increasingly clear that Jenny is a useless twit...I guess Twanita's cool, though! I mean, Charlene was too.

Page 63: He should dispatch the lump in a super cool way and look up, just off camera, for the VO declaring his name. I mean, that doesn't have to be in the script, but it's kind of a cool moment, so maybe the action line should point to this a little more?
Either way, this whole sequence, which is basically a big expository reveal, needs to build to some sort of clear climactic beat, I think. We need to see that exact moment of "I'm Carl Beckford...I need to save my family!" kinda thing.

Page 68: I was a little surprised when Sharpelli called Mo "my friend." I think this gets back to some more central issues that I've hinted at above, in the sense that we haven't necessarily seen Mo and Sharpelli go through all that much together, though they've both saved each other's lives and so on. With no room for either of them to breathe and just talk to each other like people, it's hard to imagine that they really feel much closer to each other now than they did earlier on. We still don't really know either of them. They've seen each other go through a lot, but they haven't really been aligned on a mission at any point. Maybe Sharpelli should stick with Mo a little more during the first half of the script...like, they're both on the run together, kind of thing? Anyway, if their relationship is kind of a central one in the movie, I think it needs a little more space for quiet moments, as well as the big ones.

Thoughts:

Well my notes totally faded out during the third act, which is a good sign.

There's a lot of world building going on here, and to a certain extent I think it interferes with the main plot. I mentioned earlier on that I was concerned with Mo potentially getting lost in a world of characters that are more interesting than him for much of the runtime. I think in a way this is the biggest issue -- giving Mo stuff to do before the answers to his identity are revealed. As I mentioned when we got to the scene, the hypnosis seems a little odd, and makes the flick seem a little redundant, when these characters could have just done this fifty pages earlier.

I think Mo needs to take a more active role in figuring out the secret of who he is, and as well, I think that he needs an opportunity to brush shoulders with some of the bad guys earlier on in the film -- not necessarily directly, but enough that we get a sense of rising conflict between the good guys and the bad. For a lot of the runtime, there isn't necessarily a direct opposition between Mo and any of the bad guys -- there's a lot of mystery, and all of the reveals are good and the supporting characters' scenes are all engaging, but there's not a lot of the back and forth that typically characterizes the lead-up to an action film's third act.

As I think you sort of mentioned, this script could definitely just use a bit more breathing room for everyone, and I think you're obviously comfortable in that respect because all the characters are people that we want to know more about. There's a wacky ensemble thing going on, which will work really well as long as it's balanced. Scallion and Knight are definitely the standouts, but I don't think they overshadow things too much.

Mo felt pretty one-note by my reading. It's always tricky with characters that don't have a ton to base their personality on -- no memory, no backstory, no friends, etc. -- but I definitely think that it' be nice to see a bit of humour from him, or some odd little traits, or...just anything, really. There's kind of a normative-beautiful-middle-class-family-vs.-perverted-weirdos-of-all-sorts feel to the general dynamics of the film, but the normative family is definitely in danger of seeming too vanilla, to me. Seeing some zip in the personalities of Carl and Jenny, even while they're apart, would definitely help this out.

The tone is part of what really sells this one. The edge to it is perfect, and it walks the line nicely, staying breezy but never feeling too light for the violence to have a little oomph to it. I think you've captured whatever this sub-genre would be called well, and that's really working for you.

I may return with more thoughts later, but either way, this was a fast, enjoyable read that would benefit a lot from fleshed-out characters and a slightly more engaging protagonist, both in terms of personality and, more so, narrative. Good stuff.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 27th, 2014, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Heretic
Okay. Taken me way too long to get to this. Apologies!


No worries. It's been well worth it now you have.


Quoted Text

Page 1: Obviously you want that big opening image, but I'm wondering if it might be worth it to add a couple moments of Jeff on the front here. We want to either follow along with Jeff as he discovers Mo, or start with a near-dead Mo in his own, silent space, and then see Jeff stumble upon him -- not have our perspective split between the two. In my opinion!


Yep, sounds logical.


Quoted Text
Page 2: Does he check the license here? Look at the name? It seems like he should, and if he does, it seems like we should see it.


He does check it, but I figured that I should save it for the reveal.

Code

Page 4: Mikesh's recovery of the parachute is reasonably badass, as is the fact that he's calm enough to say "bastards" when there's no chute. This feels a little jarring when we were just introduced to him sobbing like an infant. That kind of total emasculation distances us from him enough that it might be difficult to fully engage with the excitement immediately afterwards...if that concern makes sense? It's a fantastically weird scene, but my ambivalence towards Mikesh undercuts it a bit.



OK, I'm always prepared to drop dialogue. I think a simple look here would say it all anyway. Thanks.


Quoted Text
Page 9: The Woman adds a nice dimension of ugliness here -- the same tone as Mikesh's dribbling snot, in a way, a little bit more ugly edge than the average for this kind of flick (at least, the average of the U.S. equivalent).


Yeah, I was very aware when writing her that I was in danger of this flick getting a little too masculine. As in not enough female characters. The ones that are in are treated as inconsequential or whores. I tried to make up for it later in the script.


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Page 11: Speaking of women, you know who should be female? The Jeff character. We'll see if I change that claim as the story continues. But I think my broader point here is that I'd be pleased to see a woman around here somewhere.


Not sure on that one, mate.


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Page 12: The somewhat monstrous image of Mo here (evokes Darkman, for me) is making me realize something -- it'd be great to see some early touches of personality here, like right off the bat. A little moment where we get a sense of Mo's character, right away, so we know where our allegiance is eventually going to lie in all this. Anything from whistling a long-remembered tune, to dazedly telling Jeff a joke when they first meet, to saying something unexpected when he first wakes up post-surgery.


Yeah, whenever I approached the Mo character it was with kid gloves. Not wanting to ruin the mystery. I definitely went too far with that.


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Page 15: Oh, what? Why not keep Crater Face and Hillbilly in the back while Sharpelli hunts down Mo? I'm sure there's a reason, but it seems like a missed opportunity for some serious comedy. Plus, I'm tempted to say it makes more sense for Sharpelli to go after Mo as soon as he sees him, since he's bloody and jumping through windows.


Yeah I struggled with that one for a while. You're right, I think it does make more sense your way.


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We can probably put it together, but when we cut to Jenny's landing (here's my woman, by the way, cheers) we don't technically know where David is. Worth including a picture of Jenny and her daughters on a coffee table, or something?


Yeah, I see what you mean. I think a quick shot of he disappearing out the back door will do it.


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Page 17: How many Hillbillies enter, here? Picturing, like, a bunch.


I'll clarify that.


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Page 19: Haha I'm all for serendipity, with this kind of tone, but what is Woman doing here? Did she come with the Hillbillies?


Yeah, she kinda just emerges from nowhere. In an earlier draft I had her in the cells with the others... but she never did anything wrong so I couldn't justify her being there... so I sneakily let her go. Yeah, I know it's weak and needs clarifying.


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Page 22: As Mo runs away from Fallows, I'm wondering a little bit where Sharpelli is. Or, more importantly, how he parted from Mo. I'm assuming he let Mo go see Fallows on account of his good behaviour, but it might be worth giving this a line here.


Thanks I'll figure that out too.


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Page 25: I'm really enjoying this world as it's being built, but I do feel like Mo is getting lost a bit amidst all the stuff that's going on. Because he's basically all mystery at this point, it's a little bit difficult to engage with him the same way that we engage with all the storylines we understand better (plus, he just plain hasn't done much, yet). I wonder if it'd be good to leave him one clue, right at the start, even if it's a red herring, so we get the sense that maybe he's going in a specific direction?


Yep, definitely. That's a great idea. Thank you.


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Page 26: Yeah. Another thing is that I just feel like Mo has way less personality than everyone around him -- part of the reason why is obvious, but he can still have a little more fun, I think. Part of the reason he's getting drowned out is that there are so many character with big, colourful personalities.


I think a part of it is that... but only in the sense that Mo isn't as colourful. That was the reason I added the gun battle with the gangmembers. I was trying to just show enough to keep people happy... but I can see that I need to show much more.


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Page 34: Young-Jeff is "Young-Frank" the first time he's mentioned. I find the sudden flashback digression a little out of left field, both stylistically and narratively. All our other "flashes" belong to Mo. Maybe it's necessary, here, that we understand Scallion knows Jeff's real backstory for some reason?


I felt we deserved to know his backstory... perhaps a flashback was too much on this occasion.


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Page 35: "If you didn't believe you could win..." I think this line should be the opposite? Something meaning "If you didn't believe you WOULD win"?
On a side note, if I were in a theatre, I wouldn't be able to resist yelling "Shoot them NOW!" as soon as they give Jeff the gun.


I agree it can sometimes help a story if characters don't behave in the way we want or expect them to. In regards to his line, that's just how it came out while writing.


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Page 41: Random thought. The slaughter of the Hillbillies could benefit from a hapless deputy getting shot up in the mix.


Yeah, good idea.


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Page 42: Extremely abrupt entry into the action at the start of this scene. Would benefit from a couple lines or something at the front.


I'll look into that, thanks.


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Page 44: Kinda missing the beat here where Charlene suddenly realizes she's in much deeper shit than just one vehicle following. Just a line or expression or whatever. Is she still taking this completely in stride, or is this out of her comfort zone now, once the trucks show up?


I'll look into that. Originally this was a male part and different things happened. I know there is a lot that needs cleaning up in this script.

Quoted Text

Page 46: Crackhead probably deserves a name, eh? He's stickin' around.


That crossed my mind too, but then I thought it would be a shame to ruin him with a name. He's not really that important a character, just the guy I created to impart the science information, but he also adds a little light relief.

Thanks mate... I'll get onto part two later.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 28th, 2014, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Heretic
Page 51: Fallows is Flanders here. Sure somebody pointed that out. This scene feels very circular -- we end up with Mo back with Fallows and Sharpelli, and we realize that in all those pages he hasn't really done anything at this point that changes his relationship to either of them. Whatever happens now probably should have happened before...


Yeah, Frank was his original name and I think it was almost stereotypical for a tramp.


Quoted Text
Page 52: The family home seems a little too happy-family cliché, here, to me.


Yeah, OK. I'll clear that up.


Quoted Text
Page 53: I would leave the "get into my part" line for after the Girls have gotten into the car. This is a great little double-take moment, here, and it'd be good to hold off the reveal for as long as possible. Tiny thought.


Thanks, I'll steal that.


Quoted Text
Sharpelli just leaves and goes all the way back to the jailhouse? This seems like a weird moment. This scene is in the present, right? I'm assuming because it's at night. If it is present, isn't the jailhouse full of dead Hillbillies?


Yeah, I figured he had time to remove the bodies at some point. Although that definitely needs cleaning up.


Quoted Text
Page 55: Oh wait. Actually that "get into my part" line should happen after this, too. Sharpelli's "scumbag" line should come as a potential reveal. Right now, we already know that Mo was undercover, so we can just ignore it.
The whole scene comes off as a little comical. Sharpelli storms in, wakes Mo up, is immediately placated, and Mo goes back under. Probably not really needed at all.


Yeah that was hastily cleaned up from the last draft where Mo was woken and that was it. You're right I need to get that part cleaned up too.


Quoted Text
Page 57: Well, you introduced women, but now Charlene's dead and it's becoming increasingly clear that Jenny is a useless twit...I guess Twanita's cool, though! I mean, Charlene was too.


Yeah, I really tried to up the female ante in this. I'm usually very female aware, but for some reason this one got away from me for a while. Even Charlene was a guy called Vincent in the first draft. In the horror feature I'm writing at the moment, the main parts go to the girls, so I'm making up for it.


Quoted Text
Page 63: He should dispatch the lump in a super cool way and look up, just off camera, for the VO declaring his name. I mean, that doesn't have to be in the script, but it's kind of a cool moment, so maybe the action line should point to this a little more?


Thanks, I'll look into that.


Quoted Text
Either way, this whole sequence, which is basically a big expository reveal, needs to build to some sort of clear climactic beat, I think. We need to see that exact moment of "I'm Carl Beckford...I need to save my family!" kinda thing.


Yep, I definitely need to smooth that over.


Quoted Text
Page 68: I was a little surprised when Sharpelli called Mo "my friend." I think this gets back to some more central issues that I've hinted at above, in the sense that we haven't necessarily seen Mo and Sharpelli go through all that much together, though they've both saved each other's lives and so on. With no room for either of them to breathe and just talk to each other like people, it's hard to imagine that they really feel much closer to each other now than they did earlier on. We still don't really know either of them. They've seen each other go through a lot, but they haven't really been aligned on a mission at any point. Maybe Sharpelli should stick with Mo a little more during the first half of the script...like, they're both on the run together, kind of thing? Anyway, if their relationship is kind of a central one in the movie, I think it needs a little more space for quiet moments, as well as the big ones.


Thanks. I definitely see your logic here. I'll have to analyse the hell out of the script and look for ways to weave that in.


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There's a lot of world building going on here, and to a certain extent I think it interferes with the main plot. I mentioned earlier on that I was concerned with Mo potentially getting lost in a world of characters that are more interesting than him for much of the runtime. I think in a way this is the biggest issue -- giving Mo stuff to do before the answers to his identity are revealed. As I mentioned when we got to the scene, the hypnosis seems a little odd, and makes the flick seem a little redundant, when these characters could have just done this fifty pages earlier.


Yeah, there is a way around that. By making the doctor reluctant to do it. Maybe his last patient died or something. The doc will need to be forced to do it. Thanks for pointing out the weakness.


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I think Mo needs to take a more active role in figuring out the secret of who he is, and as well, I think that he needs an opportunity to brush shoulders with some of the bad guys earlier on in the film -- not necessarily directly, but enough that we get a sense of rising conflict between the good guys and the bad. For a lot of the runtime, there isn't necessarily a direct opposition between Mo and any of the bad guys -- there's a lot of mystery, and all of the reveals are good and the supporting characters' scenes are all engaging, but there's not a lot of the back and forth that typically characterizes the lead-up to an action film's third act.


Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm sure I can patch something in to make the transitions easier.


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As I think you sort of mentioned, this script could definitely just use a bit more breathing room for everyone, and I think you're obviously comfortable in that respect because all the characters are people that we want to know more about. There's a wacky ensemble thing going on, which will work really well as long as it's balanced. Scallion and Knight are definitely the standouts, but I don't think they overshadow things too much.


I definitely have pages to play with so can't see any problems cementing the relationships a little better.


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Mo felt pretty one-note by my reading. It's always tricky with characters that don't have a ton to base their personality on -- no memory, no backstory, no friends, etc. -- but I definitely think that it' be nice to see a bit of humour from him, or some odd little traits, or...just anything, really. There's kind of a normative-beautiful-middle-class-family-vs.-perverted-weirdos-of-all-sorts feel to the general dynamics of the film, but the normative family is definitely in danger of seeming too vanilla, to me. Seeing some zip in the personalities of Carl and Jenny, even while they're apart, would definitely help this out.


OK thanks. Great advice.


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The tone is part of what really sells this one. The edge to it is perfect, and it walks the line nicely, staying breezy but never feeling too light for the violence to have a little oomph to it. I think you've captured whatever this sub-genre would be called well, and that's really working for you.

I may return with more thoughts later, but either way, this was a fast, enjoyable read that would benefit a lot from fleshed-out characters and a slightly more engaging protagonist, both in terms of personality and, more so, narrative. Good stuff.


Thanks a lot. You've seen right to the heart of the story and pointed out its every flaw. I'll be coming back to this review when it comes time to rewrite this. I doubt it's a competition winner and I wouldn't like to make it myself... I'd have to try sending it out to people etc which is something I generally don't bother to do. I've only just started entering competitions.

I suppose it does have a unique selling point that may be attractive to somebody. Maybe I should give it a whirl.

Thanks for bringing this back up, I'd forgotten about it.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Solid script. It was written well, enjoyable prose -

"The ground opens up and Mo is enveloped, the clock tower rescinding quickly till just a speck on a darkened horizon."

The whole dream sequence starting around that line on P. 51 was great - Flanders threw me off - but I thought it was a clever way to navigate the mystery.  Not to get too tech, but I thought dropping the VO's might've been an interesting way for Mo to break the fourth wall during the sequence, but then again it's a clarity thing and I'm sure a director could discern that approach.

Even though Mo's involvement in the story is consistent, I'd recommend giving him more stake in it. I was still turning pages thanks to Sharpelli, whose character I liked, but the story would've benifited by more 1st act Mo in the 2nd act.

I though Jeff's character was just a throw-away at first, but you kept him hanging in there. Oddly, it never felt he overstayed his welcome.

So when we get to Sharpelli at the distillery, it goes like a scene from Justified. From there the scenes are woven great - you did a great job in pacing this world from beginning to almost end, an end that was wildly rushed IMO. There were a few head scratchers too, from David's death to Cheryl and Niamh climbing into the back of a hillbily trailer.

Scaillon and Knight, lol. Obviously it was one of my favorite scenes, mostly because it comes out of nowhere. It was a fun wedge in the story. I liked the sequences jumping out of the helicopter, almost most dangerous game territory, I'm guessing that's the bulk when budget's concerned. Or not, I'm sure there's ways around it. Those two talking about "winning" seems to warrant more subtext or motivation. I thought getting Mo wrapped up in this type of sequence in the end would be a great way to finish. Kinda beating them at their own game. But the ending tapered off and didn't feel resolved really. Blowing his own brains out did seem appropriate though.

Mo scarfing down drugs, coupled with that bizarre sex scene and the insane gunfights, set the tone for your story. Mo gives off that vibe of protags like Jason Statham.

Good job, Dustin. It's an impressive first draft.

Johnny
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers mate I think there are some good scenes in this but I don't feel I quite nailed it. I know what you mean about the ending and I wanted to do the 'beat them at their own game' thing but I ran out of time. I only had 5 weeks as I was away on holiday and this was a rewrite. I just about had time to make the plot cohesive to be honest. I'm usually excellent with deadlines but this one slipped away from me. Not one of my best efforts, probably wouldn't place in a comp.

Thanks for the tips, should the mood ever take me for a rewrite on this they will come in handy.


New logline: A man is capable of moving at twice normal speed after being shot in the head and he uses his new found talent against two, thrill-seeking hitmen in an effort to find out who he is.

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