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Four Men in a Boat by Daniel Silman (ds) (OWC name - Sean Connell) - Short, Thriller - Murder, misogyny and a boat: Four friends take a deadly trip in the most innocuous of settings. August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - doc, format
p1. Slugs. Dashes between subjects. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT p4. ALEX needs to be above the second block of dialogue. Or, include "(chokes for the first time)" between blocks. p8. Sound effects are written as usual actions. "Outside, rain patters down the windows." p9. In Max's line, spell check might be nice. "Even" instead of "eve". "My" instead of "mu". "As" in Del's line. p10. The Sound FX again... p15. "No", in the action, instead of "now".
Page numbers need to be in the top right corner. I had to add my own numbers. Try not to keep the lines and action on separate pages. Hit a page break, or space, until the entire line and action are on the top of the page.
Now for the story - I really, really enjoyed it. At first, I was thinking "Who in the world sits there and talks about murder?" but by the twist, I understood it. It was really, really good.
This one was amateurishly-written, but the story itself was very good with a nice twist in the end. I could tell that, despite lack of experience, the writer was very dedicated to this project. I can see better stuff coming from him if he learned more about screenplay formatting and all the "dos and don'ts".
Don't write things that can't be recorded on screen. We can't tell if Max is brash and burly just by looking at him. You did this with all your charcters. Try not to make these mistakes in the future. Write physical descriptions too--don't leave us in the dark as to how the look like.
Julio - You sound like you've read all the formatting/screenwriting books there are. You preach these "do's and don't's", but then tell people to describe characters. How much description is too much?
I've been told that describing your characters is a bad thing, because it "limits casting", or something. I refrain from describing characters, beyond the most superficial things, unless it pertains to the plot.
I think "big and burly" is an acceptable description. I can picture that.
What I'm referring to is stuff like "docile, bitchy" etc. Stuff that can't be recorded. That should all clear itself through dialogue, not description. Stuff like that belongs in a book, not a script.
It's true that it limits casting, in a sense. But no role is for everyone. A VERY BRIEF physical description of a character helps the reader picture that character in his/her head.
I once wrote one of my characters as: "MARLON--a built, spike-haired bartender." That's it. I didn't describe him any further. You dont' wanna overwhelm the reader with description, just give them a small glimpse of what the character looks like, and have his attitude be discovered through his actions (although in this case, I did not develop this particular character at all-- so shame on me ).
If you do not describe your character physically, your reader will not be able to picture him and thus the reader might lose interest and stop reading if he/she cannot picture some of the main players in the story.
I'm not trying to sound hateful of the screenplays I'm just saying this because it's a turn-off for many readers, is all.
Thought I’d just start with the first one and work my way down the list. So, here goes nothing.
Spoilers...kinda
This one was disappointing. Your concept was original and interesting but poorly executed. First, the descriptions and dialogue felt extremely wooden and awkward to read. This really sucked the life out of your twist ending with the wife and destroyed any chance at suspense (which a thriller should have plenty of)
Second, there was no distinction between each character. Each friend sounded exactly the same and that created some confusion. I was having a difficult time keeping track of who said what. Lastly, your resolution was sort of sudden. Maybe that was your intent, but it felt like you just cut it off at the fifteen page mark.
Nice try.
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
When I finished this, I felt like I had read a short Woody Allen piece about morality. This may not have been the most polished script I've read so far (five of them). But, it had the best story and best characters. If I encountered this on television one night, I certainly wouldn't turn it. Seems like the bitchy wife turned Alex into quite the sadist, that he'd blackmail his lifelong friends like that, but I don't know, it still seemed believable, as did the characters' interactions. I'm glad that I read it.
This one had good dialogue, but then again, there was too much of it! I didn't count on how many pages you had with just dialogue and little action, and I started getting bored with all of it, except for the fact that all this dialogue had to tie up with the twist at the end. Maybe you could shorten it all down a bit, and your script will be shorter and easier to read.
Nixon pretty much said what I wanted to say, sorry, Sean Connell
Format was wrong specially the dialgoue measurements. But that's fixable. What needs work are the characters. The characters weren't unique; each sounded alike so it was diffcult to differate btw them.
I also think most of the dialgoue can be changed into visuals. For example, when Alex tells of killing his wife.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
This script moved along very nicely, and I wanted to read on to see what happend, so it was engaging. The dialogue was realistic and believable. The way you immediately got across the fact that these were all old friends was smooth: CHET: "This reminds me of the kind of stuff you'd make us do at school, Alex..."
The boat was nicely used as the centepiece of the story. You drew a sense of place well with it, and I could picture being there, cramped, playing cards.
Max was a well-drawn character. His sarcastic and humorous comments, before he knew about the murder, were funny.
I liked Del's noir comment, after Alex tells them about the murder: "Well, his boat works. It's not all bad."
Chet was interesting. He was the weasel of the group, doesn't even know how to play cards ("Are you going to explain the rules?"), not married (he looks left out when they discuss their respective marriages). The line I liked best in the screenplay was when Chet deadpans, after Alex describes hitting his wife in the head with the shovel ("a flash, a crack, red"), "I'm going to fold, then." I hope this was deliberate. Great black comedy! I laughed out loud.
When the murder of Alex's wife is made known, Chet demonstrates the most self-concern. afraid of being identified as an accessory to murder if he helps Alex with money. Then his strange side comes out, when he reveals that he almost murdered his downstairs Techno-kid neighbor for playing his music too loud. True to his weasel character, he moved because of it. We don't even know what Chet did after the kid told him to get out, but we can presume that he just left, still impotently holding on to the knife in his pocket.
Early in the play, when Chet is asked whether he had ever thought about murder, he vehemently says, "No!" This is a good red herring, although it is somewhat incongruous that Chet worries that if he gives Alex money, he will spend the rest of his life in jail, yet moments later, it is Chet who brings the shovel down on Alex and kills him, and even pushes him overboard. On the other hand, there is no explaining what goes on inside the head of a murderer. Besides, Chet's statements are perhaps precisely what you might expect of a person capable of commiting a murder.
All of the men seemed a bit weak in character. They were lifelong friends, yet their first concern once, they found out Alex was in trouble, was for themselves and their money. In their defense, it did turn out that Alex was trying to scam them. Was it true that his wife screamed at him, and he looked at her with hate? Then why would he be willing to scam his friends for her? Was it true that he didn't want to divorce her because he'd just have to support her and the children? If so, he is mercenary, placing money before his own happiness. And no matter what, even if she was the driving force behind the scam, he is still weak. And certainly, in the end when he tries to blackmail his friends, his lack of character becomes chillingly apparent.
The idea of the closed quarters of a boat at sea causing people to behave in extraordinary and desperate ways was used well in the climax of the play, when they are all struggling against Alex, the "captain."
Since Chet couldn't swim, it might have been interesting to have him drown rather than reach the shore safely with Max and Del, although perhaps that would have tied things up too neatly.
One thing that troubles me about the entire screenplay, is that I don't like to think of these three men being so unhappy in their marriages.
Overall, this was a very thought-provoking screenplay.
Yea, I already posted, but I want other potential readers to take both my and Tracey's comment to heart. This was a good script/play about morality that really reminded me of a Woody Allen drama. The characters are nuanced and the black comedy is well used. Sure, the script doesn't fit the format, but it's clear the writer at least tried to format it. Also, he does describe the character's personalities, when, in fact, the personalities are all pretty well fleshed out, despite someone else's criticism. I actually found the personalities to be the best thing the script had going for it. While every character was a weasel, all had defining characteristics. And Chet was such a good character.
Like I said, maybe not the most well-written script that I've read (not that it's poor, just poorly formatted), but it is my favorite.
Well, the previous posters have mentioned the short comings; I don't want to sound like a broken record.
I don't think the dialogue was bad, there was just way too much of it. I really liked the twist about the dict-a-phone. I didn't see that one coming. However, the story seriously lacks suspense or tension to make it a thriller.
Make some cuts in the dialogue portion, add some suspense and you'd have a very interesting story here.
This, to me, read more like a stageplay than a screenplay. I very much enjoyed the dialogue. It had a natural feel to it.
Issues of format aside, the problem I had with the story is that I didn't buy into the idea that a recording, such as Alex made, would be enough to blackmail the three. Other than that, I enjoyed it.
Yeah, this was an enjoyable little short. I think it is a much better read if you think of it more as a stageplay than a screenplay, because it seems more suited to it. The dialog was really good in places, very realistic and there were a couple of good laughs at the beginning, so well done in that regard.
My only real complaint (aside from the formatting, which has already been mentioned) is the scene where Alex tells them all that he killed his wife. I got the impression that they all bought into it a little too easily. I understand that there were time constraints and you could only have so many pages, but it didn't seem very realistic that Alex's friends believed that he killed his wife so easily.
Other than that, I liked it. Not my favourite so far, but definitely an enjoyable read.
I thought this was a fairly interesting read, I liked the twist it took at the end - didn't see that one coming. The script itself is way too long though, too much not-so-good dialogue.
There was a couple of format errors and typos and those always hurt a script.
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load