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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  ›  Cobra Blood Cocktail Moderators: OWC
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  Author    Cobra Blood Cocktail  (currently 4810 views)
James McClung
Posted: August 17th, 2007, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think I've ever used this word to describe a script but this one destroyed. Seriously. The story is top notch as it is but the fact that it was conceived within a week is even more impressive. I had no idea who the Cobra was throughout and really believed that they had bit the dust. Excellent twist. I knew there would be one, considering the setup, but this one was very well conceived. The characters were also interesting and unique. Their exchanges were enhanced by high quality dialogue.

Sorry if I don't have any advice to give. You've got a page's worth, at least. I honestly didn't have a lot of problems with this one. It was definitely one of the best I've read.

Good job, Breanne.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  August 18th, 2007, 11:56pm
Yup... guessed the writer wrong.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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My fake review has been removed.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, comments, suggestions, and criticism. I’ve been working lately on being a little more formulaic and a little more structured. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

As my fake review sort of pointed to, this was inspired by Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians. I originally wanted more characters but it was too cluttered - and the boat was too small - so I cut it down to four, which made it harder to hide the Cobra.

Incidentally, for those who felt the Cobra was too obvious, I deliberately pointed suspicion because I thought it best to incriminate everyone the same. It’s almost impossible to write something that no one will figure out.

To whomever made a Tanantino comparison, this wasn’t inspired by him in any way. I’m much more inspired by the likes of Orson Wells and others. Assassins have been in movies for a lot longer than the 90s and they’ve been a bit philosophical in many movies. It’s more like Tarantino and I share some influences.

I’ve never seen the movie Assassins either but again, these types of characters have been around for a long time. I think the plot is a fairly natural progression of thought that anyone might arrive at.

Thanks all for reading and offering your thoughts. I appreciate all criticism, positive or negative, and use it to improve as a writer. And you’ve helped me do that. So thank you.


Breanne


P.S. As a side note, a cobra’s blood cocktail is a real drink.



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ABennettWriter
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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I hated it.




(Just kidding!)
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greg
Posted: August 23rd, 2007, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Oh my, Breanne.

This was certainly a well-paced, strongly executed story.  I was instantly drawn into the conflict and really enjoyed the set of characters that you presented us with.  Needless to say, I did have two issues with this.

*Why would Regina have this drug on her?  I mean, I know she's this hardcore assassin chick, but why would someone carry that around?  Unless she was planning for The Poet to come in a climactic meet of two notorious murderers...maybe I missed something.

*I did like the thrill at the end, but the whole drug thing kind of taints it for me.  In that sense, the ending could have been stronger had that whole concept been more explicitly explained.

Aside from that, I think this is the best short I've read from you.  It felt complete, the characters were dynamic, it was very well paced, and it was a pleasure to read.  What more can I say?  Bravo!

By the way, if I had actively participated in the anonymous reading, I still would have been able to bust you on this


Be excellent to each other
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 23rd, 2007, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Greg,

Well, the idea was that tricking and manipulating people was her thing. I did research into animals that play dead but they were either not intimidating at all, or they would have made it too obvious. If the assassin’s name was The Opossum, for example, I think everyone would have immediately known the deal. I was looking into the possibility of a Cobra based on the tricky hood designs they have when I learned of the cobra blood cocktail drink and thought it made a nice title. So I went with it.

I looked at a couple of different possibilities for faking death. I’m a magician and I know how to lower my pulse to the point of appearing dead. It was so tempting to reveal it that I even contemplated breaking the magician’s code. But ultimately I was able to resist the temptation.

So I did research into drugs that could do it. But then I decided it was all getting too technical. The last script I wrote took some lumps for being too scientifically technical. I’m sorry the whole drug thing sounded so generic but it seemed that I could either get really technical with a drug or I could reveal a magic secret - or be very general. I chose to go the generic route and it shows. Sorry about that.

But tricking people was supposed to sort of be her thing. The idea is that the Poet makes a deadly assumption as to why the Cobra is called the Cobra, only to find out - to his own peril - that there was another more plausible explanation.

Anyway, that was the reasoning. I know it came off as predictable for some. Implausible for others. I tried my best though. I won’t make excuses with the constraints or anything. I’ll take my lumps -- haha.

Thanks Greg. You’re right and I really appreciate your comments. And I believe you when you say you could have picked me out.


Breanne


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ABennettWriter
Posted: August 23rd, 2007, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I’m a magician and I know how to lower my pulse to the point of appearing dead.


Your real name is Criss Angel! I hate that freak. If I ever see him out and about, I'm calling him out.

Anyway, that's cool if you're a real magician. Have any tricks you wanna teach me?
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