Angela's Absolution by Daniel Ehrlich (dpehr)  (OWC name - Tarvi Andiyar)  - Short, Thriller - Three lifelong friends spend the final night of the summer, and their youth, relaxing at a lakehouse, when a mysterious boat wreaks havoc on their fates. Of the utmost importance is survival, but lurking beneath the courage and companionship of the teens is a darker force that threatens to break their bond.   Only love, and perhaps forgiveness can save them.     August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format

Ok: I felt that there is a story in here that isn't fully developed about what it means to act with deep passion.  However, the execution of the story is lacking.  First, it would be helpful to have some description differentiating the characters at the beginning so that it wasn't so confusing to get the voices down -- "three attractive 18yr olds" is all we have to go on. Plus the use of "Eric" and "Erica" is a bit clunky and gets in the way.  

I liked Erica having to save her boyfriend using the mattress, but the whole thing seemed way too outlandish.  Plus, we need to know more about Angela -- and why does she talk like an 18yr old?  Perhaps that's important?  The entire ghost story-storyline seemed underdeveloped.  

It seemed a lot of times as though these characters would automatically know to do something but to the audience it seems ludicrous.  For example -- what made Eric know to run in and try to explode the boat?  Perhaps he understood something; but it isn't clear to us.  I needed a better understanding of what motivated these characters to act, because often their actions seemed unjustified.  And random.

Overall, I think the dialogue is pretty decent -- and there are seeds of conflict in this relationship triangle which could be explored more -- but the actions of these characters are not grounded and the ending is underwhelming.  

Keep writing though!  There's a good story about passion in here somewhere.      
  

This read more of a comedy to me than a thriller...Sorry.


First of all, you kept on using large vocabulary words that I did not know the meanings to whatsoever. You don't need these large words in your descriptions or parenthesis. All you need to do is keep them nice and simple and make sure it's easy for the reader to understand.

While we are still on the subject of descriptions, you have too large of paragraphs, buddy. Especially on pages 16 and 14 (man the paragraph on 14 was hell). Paragraphs tend to be 3-4 lines each to make the pages look clean and not clumpy. I'm pretty sure you did this to save space so you wouldn't go over the maximum limit of 15 pages.

When the "angelic voice" speaks as Erica reads the letter, instead of making it a paragraph of action, actually have a voice as dialogue, except have it as: ANGELIC VOICE (V.O.). And, I'm sorry to say this, but at the very end with Angela saying stuff about how she doesn't have to kill again just made me laugh�because that part reminded me of Scary Movie 3 when The Ring girl turns back to normal and gives her little speech of "Your love has broken my curse. I will never have to kill again."

Erica had a large cut on her side, and yet, after Eric explores the boat, and it sails away, she begins swimming and doing all this crazy stuff that would normally prevent someone with a gash on their side from doing so. I'm sure that maybe if it were just a large bruise and nothing to serious, she'd be able to do it.

And last but not least, the thing that had me laughing the most on the inside, was the fact that through half of the script, I'm pretty sure, if I read things correctly, Erica was running around topless due to the fact that she had to use Eric's shirt to tie his wrists to the mattress. Now THAT'S a movie I'd like to see if it were filmed.

Overall this was an okay script. Things seemed a bit outrageous at some points, but it was a good try at a week's challenge.

Sean

Try and use simple present tense verbs and avoid present participles as much as possible. Instead of: are sitting barefoot - just: sit barefoot. Instead of: are drinking beers and smoking pot - just: drink beers and smoke pot.

Why did you name a character Eric and another character Erica? You shouldn’t even risk the confusion of such a thing without good reason. I thought for sure we would find they were twins. But no. That makes no sense. You should try to eliminate anything that could cause a reader any snag whatsoever. Screenplays should flow page by page as though you’re watching a movie.

P1 - A mild breeze begins to blow the boat in the direction of Eric’s house. “Begins to” and “starts to” are common errors in screenplays. There’s no need for it unless it’s pivotal that the wind is not blowing one moment and then starts. Otherwise, it just blows.

You need more description for a scene than, “Some time has elapsed.” You have to show it has elapsed. What is different than it was before? If time has elapsed, something must have changed. Day to night is an example. A different activity is an example. For example, let’s say the characters are doing one activity and establish they need to accomplish a certain task. Later, we find them at a different stage in the completion of that goal. It can be as simple as a character looking at his watch and saying, “Wow. Has it been five hours already?” That’s a simple example. The point is that you have to show it somehow. In an actual film, it will be necessary for the director to keep the audience oriented.

If the boat strikes Erica, how can Eric swim to Erica, pull her out, get her to shore, and assess her injuries before the boat can reach the shore? Surely the boat can travel faster than a swimmer. If there were a supernatural explanation and the boat, say, disappeared and reappeared, why didn’t anyone see it?

As to the story: I felt it was missing a lot. There was no explanation for Angela or the Absolute Vodka. I like Erica’s rescue but I don’t know where she got the idea. How could she know the boat would follow her? I still don’t understand exactly what Angela wanted them to do. How did Eric know to burn the boat?

It’s pretty well written and it’s got potential but there were too many questions left at the end for my taste.


Breanne

My overall impression of Angela's Absolution is that it's a fairly clean looking draft which won't sink if some more work is put into it.

I like the name.  It's intriguing.  

Unfortunately, AA didn't fit the "thriller" category.  There was some suspense, but I found that it fell flat.

What's a thriller?  It needs to leave you peaked.  I think that's how I'd describe it.  If anyone's seen the new Bourne Ultimatum, they'll notice the constant suspense and panic.

This one felt more mysterious, but it didn't have the constant up-tightness.  

The scene where Erica is hit by the boat happens quickly and she recovers quickly.

There were several things which I noticed that I thought were problems, but it's definitely workable.  Problems can be the doorway to great new ideas so don't worry.

I've went over the script three times and here's what I found:

The early dialogue was a bit hard to sort out.  Eric and Erica I thought had some kind of hidden meaning, but as it turned out it was just a coincidence.  I think it's a bit clunky.

The talk of brother made me think incest and I don't think you were going for that.

You might try to ground the reader more into the POV of the characters and help the reader get a grip with the characters--who's speaking to whom--something that helps to distinguish the characters or shows them in action as they are talking.  Even a simple: Eric cracks his knuckles before glaring at Tom.

The dynamics of the relationship between these three seems to be a bit manufactured and not quite deep enough.  They're friends, but I don't really know why Eric is so suspicious.  Maybe he has good reason to be since Erica is pretty easy to strip down and skinny dip in front of Tom--with Tom.  And that is part of the problem:

What is the context?  The dramatic motivation of these characters?  

The context of what is written is important because that's how actors play their roles.
The context might be that they have had several (almost fights) and cheating moments in the past, but neither Erica or Eric has allowed their real feelings to surface.  

In this case the actors might be playing against the grain; that is to say that they feel intense anger, but they are using perhaps only mild sarcasm and all of the tension is beneath the surface.

So, for AA, I think you need to determine what the context of the relationship between these three characters are because character is everything.  

When Eric replies to Tom: "Then prepare for a long life of celibacy."  This is excellent!
It's dramatic, but it's also the kind of real quick wit which some people naturally have.

I would get rid of the brother sister stuff and create some kind of serious conflict here.

Or, maybe they are getting so stoned that they both start hitting on Angela and a three some begins.

Or:

A fight perhaps between the two guys if they both have a thing for Erica.

I felt like I was guessing as to what really was the situation between these three.  Whatever it is, I think we need to know or get some kind of strong clues.

I suggest that somehow you increase the conflict.  How 'bout instead of the typical teenage skinny dip scene.  Erica and Tom head to investigate the boat alone and we discover that Tom has always had feelings for her, but he never said anything... he didn't want to hurt Eric.  And now, with Eric stoking the fire on shore, he begins a passionate advance and she succumbs.

The dialogue here is a little too formal I think:

> I do too but why make such a morbid assumption...  

I hear something more like: "Don't say that!  Why would you say that?"

The idea of this spirit of Angela I find not quite right.  I think it falls flat.  I think Angela needs motivation.  Why is she there?  Is she seeking her love?  Perhaps she doesn't want others to find love, since she lost hers.  Maybe her love had past through the veil and she remains in a type of purgatory... Whatever it is, but something which drives her dramatic need.  

On page 14, beginning with >Erica gives him one more kiss...  there are fifteen lines squished together.  Try breaking this up, find ways to trim it and create the images with as few words as possible.

When professionals look at scripts, they like to see a lot of white space on a page.  They like to see a balance.  Whether it's scripts or novels, long paragraphs are hard to read and look at.

I'm not sure how they figured out that the bottle of vodka was needed to destroy the boat.

Something to think about:  What about Tom?

The last we hear of him, he's choking and bleeding at the end of page 14.  It's not a happy ending for him, but I don't know if we really care, because he seems to exist more as a prop.

Angela is absolved.  Erica and Eric definitely have found true love, but they are going to be leaving each other to go to different universities.  Distance relationships seldom work.

My suggestion would be to set up more of a context within which these characters will be revealed as real.  The stereotype of kids just drinking and smoking pot might need something extra to get attention.

As mentioned, I think this is a good working draft.

I hope this helps.  

Sandra E.

Nothing I say will be new.

Eric\Erica makes it a slower read than it has to be.

Some logic flaws (Erica is in so much pain she can't sit up to kiss, then she turns into the female McGyver)

The story demands you read on to find out what happens though.  Not bad.

What could i possibly add on that has not been said before by the posters above??

Liked your story, wasn't bad in the least. But i thought you descriptions were a bit much. Trim it down. And the characters don't sound like the 18 year olds i hang with. Maybe i need new friends, i dont know.

Liked the title too. I want to write more, but unfortunately, i hae to go..So i'll be back later.

CONGRATS on finishing though!

-Christine

This was definitely had the boat theme but not with the right boat. It seemed more spacious to me like a yacht.  

you really didn't develop Tom as much, just as a third wheel. I thought that will be the conflict, but it's actually a ghost. A ghost who appears on time to handle erica and eric's problem. too cliche imo. But this is all fixed in revisement.

Many things weren't explained as people above me have pointed out such as Angela.

Also, if you want time to elaspe, don't put as a description - time elaspe. Show it, don't tell it. Yo did alot of telling rather than showing such as the time elaspe and the letter. look around the screewnwriting class section to learn how to format these certain scenes.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

This story confused me, mostly because of some inconsistencies imo.

The boat is covered in darkness, moves across the lake towards the teens at 3 a.m., has an eerie glow combined with creepy voices, but for some reason the teens think its being captained?

When Erica gets hit by it, it's only Eric that panics and helps. There is no emotional description for Tom or anything. He simply gets dressed next time you mention him.

Tom then tries to help her stop her bleeding, exposes a nipple, and they go on a moral banter.

Her chest is open, she is bleeding, yet she then swims to the boat and is very active.

The boat door slams shuts, the vibrations cause his hand to knock over the bottle, which knocks over the glasses, whose liquid soaks the envelop. First of all, 'Final Destination' came to mind. Second, with such a sequence of events leading up to it, I'd expect it to be a crucial important that the envelop gets soaked?

The Eric/Erica issue has been mentioned by others. Same goes for walls of texts containing the descriptions; cut them up, make it look lean and clean.

With regards to the dialogue. It didn't work for me at all. Flat and unexciting.

I am sorry. The story simply didn't work for me.

First,
Wow, what a logline. I was ready to stop after that.

"Some time has elapsed"? What a lazy descriptive intro. Describe the night at least.

"Some time has elapsed"? What a lazy... wait I just said that. You did it again.

"Denude"? Not sure what this means. I know what it was supposed to mean.

Quoted Text He wraps the shirt tighter, decreasing its surface area, which exposes her nipple.

Okay, not to sound too frank, but why the reference to her nipple. I mean I like women's nipples but...

I would avoid words like "flummoxed" and "exasperatedly".

Okay, I have to be honest, didn't finish. There may have been something good in there but couldn't hang around to find out. It was way overwritten with words better left in the Dictionary and agonizing dialogue that went on and on and on.

Write the bare minimum. After you've written the bare minimum, take some more out. Once you've learned to trim every ounce of fat then begin adding some fluff.

Good try. Keep writing.

Joseph

I'm afraid that a lot of what was said above fits my feelings on the piece.  The idea of a ghost boat that's killing lovers who may not be truly in love is workable, but it needs to be clearer.  As has also been said, we don;t get a sense of who these people are, and poor Tom falls into a plothole and comes out choking and bleeding.  One minute he was swimming for shore, the next it seems he's dying o the beach and no longer referred to by either of the main characters.  Talk about a third wheel!

Not only is the Eric/Erica a thing a little weird, but to tie it to a brother/sister issue just makes it all creepy, especially when adding that he's the only boy she ever loved.

Erica recovers way too easily from that wound.  What kind of water were they swimming in.  Unless she's Wolverine, she should still have cut that could be effected by salt water.

I think with a little more clarity on the curse, a name change for either Eric or Erica, and taking out the scene with the boat hitting Erica as, done wrong, it could come off comedic, and that's not the intent, this piece can be stronger.  It might not be a bad idea to go back and play with the characters to get to know them better and then throw them into their situation.

Premise: It's the third, perhaps fourth script I've seen with a haunted boat. This one has more "personality" though. Reminds me of Christine, the Stephen King Novel.  6/10

Relation to Theme: Good use of the boat, but this one is a horror not a thriller IMO.    5/10

Story: Not bad. It's actually quite eery in parts and threatens to build some nice suspense. It just felt a bit old hat to me. A bit conventional. 6/10

I pretty much agree with the other posters about the awkwardness of Eric/Erica's relationship. Even Tom thought they were related.
Some really wordy blocks of description.
Don't know too many girls that would initiatate skinny dipping (sad, I know).
Her chest cut open and bleeding. I'm seeing carnage here, but evidently it really is just a flesh wound.
Spelled Absolut.
Eric lays sprawled on the ground. Maybe on the deck, the floor, because he's still on the boat.
These guys are doing a whole lot of swimming for being drunk and stoned.
Don't think the matress would float, it'd sink, unless it was an air matress, in which case this excercise would still be
extremely difficult.
Not sure why Tom was choking and bleeding.Not sure why the lighter still worked after being underwater.
Don't know what happened to Tom in the end. Eric went from almost drowned to running through flames with Erica in what seems like a few minutes.
All in all a very imaginative story, although I would have liked to have seen more contrast between the characters.

Hey, the author of this here.

So, regarding the whole, "time has elapsed," thing: I had people on imdb proofread this for me since I didn't want to enter my first scriptwriting competition with an extremely amateur draft.  One person had suggested I imply that time had elapsed between the three initial dialogue scenes that open the story.  I thought it was obvious that time had elapses, but then again, I also understood the whole story and many others didn't.  So, I wanted to make sure that everyone had all the information that they would want at their disposal.

Alright, next.  Someone mentioned that even Tom thought Eric was Erica's sister.  Tom didn't think that.  There were a lot of "attempted" jokes at the beginning of this script to set that sort of teen horror/suspense tone that many films impart.  Tom was just ribbing Eric, who was already upset with Erica, after she calls him brother, as she, herself, is making fun of him by mentioning the old jokes made at their expense.  I think, like somebody else said, I could add a few  descriptive lines that suggest who is talking to whom, which in turn should suggest at whose expense a joke is being made.  

The story: I understand that some of you didn't understand this.  Afterall, the script would have been longer had I no restrictions on length.  After all, I went over the fifteen pages.  But the general story is simple:

Angela haunts a boat for reasons that aren't altogether explained, but we know she has done something bad, which has resulted in her being cursed to hunt down teenagers in love.  In her first letter, she says that she will kill them as she has killed others before.  

Meanwhile, Eric and Erica are teenage lovers about to embark on the next stage of their lives, college.  In the story, both teenagers have to save each other from the haunted boat.  Both of them do put their lives on the line to save the one they love.

Eric suspects Erica of cheating on him with Tom.  So while Tom is a bit of a comic character and third wheel, he's also responsible for the tension between Eric and Erica.  Additionally, when Eric and Erica save each other, we realize that they are truly in love, a notion reiterated by Erica when she tells Eric that he's the only boy that she has ever loved.

Now again, the main part of the story that isn't included is why Angela is cursed and how Eric knows to destroy the boat, and through what means.  Well, Angela is a conflicted character.  She made a somewhat selfish choice a long time ago while on this very boat to save her life instead of her first love.  She has spent every subsequent year haunting the boat, "Angela's Absolution," and killing couples who didn't save each other from her wrath.  She would remain a murderous boat forever had Eric and Erica not come along.

Now there is a Jekyll/Hyde dimension to Angela, as she can talk to Eric while he is unconscious.  In Eric's unconscious dream, Angela tells him that she's sorry and explains her past.  We learn in this dream of the choice she made and how she is currently cursed.  She also tells him that if he is to end the curse, he must burn the boat.  However, Erica cannot hear the dream and only witnesses the murderous side of Angela.  But, in the letter addressed to hErica, Angela says that she'd really hate to kill her, but that hasn't stopped her in the past.  That's the truth.  Angela doesn't want to kill Erica.  She's a cursed and conflicted character, a poor girl who wishes she made a different choice as a teenager, and a possessed demon who wreaks havoc on young lovers.

Of course, I couldn't include all this backstory given the restraints.  So instead, I just made sure that all the elements necessary to destroy the boat are located within it.  Thus, it's also a story about how Erica, who I've hinted is smart and will become a lawyer, uses everything at her disposal, which is everything on the boat, to destroy the boat.  That's why the dialogue at the beginning isn't pointless banter.  It hopefully explains why Erica will be able to confront the boat.

I expected people to have questions about this script.  But Eric thinks at the end to burn the boat because Angela tells him.  Since Erica is alive and not unconscious, she cannot access Angela's spirit.  She must figure out how to destroy the boat on her own and save the one she loves.

Anyway, I guess most of you didn't really like the script too much based on the reviews and the star rating.  Hopefully the next script I write will be better.  But I really did like the story I came up with so I may go back to it and expand upon the premise explored in this short.  Thanks for reading and I'll try and made the next script more comprehensible and concise.  Maybe I'll even get a two star rating next time.

Edit: By the way, I made their names Eric and Erica to signify the bond between them.  I thought that parents would never name a brother and sister Eric and Erica.  So that could have been a stupid move on my part, but I figured if some major revelation like they were brother and sister were to occur, then that clue would be lazy writing, not to mention incestual.