Thanks for the reads guys, I've been itching to post my responses for what seems an age.

First a lot of people said they found this confusing by the end...sorry.  I tried not to spell everything out so the reader had to use their heads a little, maybe over did it then? lol.

Right to clarify, Dean is helping Taylor capture naughty kids so he can dispose of them.  Dean helps because Taylor saved him from being sent to a young offenders, kinda blackmailing him.  Taylor is a bit mad and thinks he is cleaning up the streets in a strange way.  And yes the kids are in the boxes, the initials are the clue there.

As for the 'estate' and 'Gov' issues.  I'm sorry the American's didn't understand these phrases so I'll explain.  An 'Estate' is a housing estate and most of the time are council built, so means poorer areas to live in and high crime rates.  The 'Gov' reference is a British police term for the Governor, as to someone in higher authority.  Hope that clears them up.

The playing cards were a clue to show Taylor had been to the boat before, he reached inside a draw and removed a pack (he knew they were there).  The scar on Dean's head was meant to be an indication that Taylor had flicked a card at him previously and cut his face.

I guess I didn't reallt explains things to well but I was happy just to complete this and get it submitted on time.  Anyway thanks again for the input.

Hi Allfy,

Haven't read any of the other comments so I might be repeating some things.

I did not participate in this OWC, but I remember it being thriller and I remember the "lovely" boat.

I think your writing was great throughout, but IMHO it failed somewhat as a thriller. Reads a little more like a mystery.

I thought it started out pretty good. I wanted to know what the boys were up to. Then it slowed down when you introduce the cops. I know some chit chatting is necessary sometimes to make characters seem more real, but in this case I think you can trim some of it since it doesn't really lead anywhere.

Ditto that for when the cops show up by the boat. All that slipping in sliding in the mud, doesn't add much to the story. It bogs it down some and that's partly why it doesn't read like a thriller, to me at least.

Your twist at the end made things a little more interesting, but I think you can bump it up some more to give it a little more horrific feel to it. I mean, kids chopped up in boxed are pretty horrific, but you told it to us as if it were moving boxes that had not been unpacket yet.

Btw, if there are boxes filled with kids, wouldn't it smell by now.

Anyway, it was a good read. Definitely one I think you should do a rewrite of. It would be fairly easy to film, so make the story tighter, increase the mystery or thriller aspects and who knows, Maybe someone would want to produce it.

Good luck with it.

Pia

Quoted from tomson Hi Allfy, I think your writing was great throughout, but IMHO it failed somewhat as a thriller. Reads a little more like a mystery. I mean, kids chopped up in boxed are pretty horrific, but you told it to us as if it were moving boxes that had not been unpacket yet. Pia

Thanks for checking this Pia

Also you were one of the few people who understood the whole kids in the boxes.  I guess they would smell.  As for the thriller/mystery, you're right.  I struggled with the whole theme thing.

Anywho thanks and I might have a dabble with this again, I had been thinking about it.