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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  ›  Light Mist Forming Moderators: OWC
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  Author    Light Mist Forming  (currently 5060 views)
James McClung
Posted: August 9th, 2007, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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This was a pretty good read. Definitely a thriller, both in the supernatural and mundane sense. A lot of good conflict here and a satisfying conclusion. These guys definitely get what they deserve. A couple people have mentioned that Stake isn't part of the revenge plot but I still think it stands. Misty exacts revenge on Stake by cutting off his bloodline and, in turn, ends a future generation of rapists before they can even begin. It worked as a revenge, it was just unconventional and, for the most part, unconventional is good.

There were a few questions I had throughout that weren't answered in the end. I would have liked to know more about Misty. I initially thought she was just some tragic victim of Stake and co. but considering his family knows who she was, perhaps she was something more. I gather she was around for a while and the characters grew accustomed to her presence however in the end, she has no further development. Jana probably needs some more development as well. She ends up a potential second victim but she isn't set up as such. When she's introduced, she seems like she's part of the gang, even if she doesn't want to be there. To be more specific, someone who's accepted as part of the group. I don't think this is what you wanted. Further character development would have changed things.

Overall, a pretty decent, well-written entry.


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dogglebe
Posted: August 10th, 2007, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read anyone else's reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

I didn't think this much of a thriller.  The story didn't build as it should've.  It just seemed like a light horror story, something I would've read out of an old House of Mystery comic book.

All the characters were stereotypical white trash...almost to the point where it was painful.  Their names were like something out of Hee-Haw.  And their actions (particularly the kids) were like something out of any teen angst movie.  Misty's role in this was a bit confusing.  Why would--

SPOILER SPACE

--Misty go after Dean, Loy and Vin and not go after Carny, Elwin and Stake?

And why was she singing?

END SPOILER SPACE

Your writing was too heavily worded.  A lot of your description, unfortunately, is inappropriate.  When describing things, you should do it only in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  From the first line in the script, you do this.  How is the camera supposed to show that the boat is in the Atlantic Ocean?  How do we know that the three men are depraved?  How do we know that Elwin is a chain-smoker?  HOw do we know that Stake has a dismal IQ?

Don't tell us things; show us.  Elwin should be smoking one cigarette after another.  Stake should be acting the idiot.  Be creative.

Who is Ritchie?  Twice you use this name in your headers (which, btw, you use too many of for a spec script), but you don't have anyone in the script with this name.

Descriptions make a big difference in the story's pacing.  When one page equals one minute of film time, you can't pad the script.  Keep the descriptions brief and include only what we need to know to keep the story going.


Phil
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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From a technical point of view: succinctness especially, I think this script has done extremely well; however, I must comment on the content.

We're dealing with the use of sex as a tool throughout, to get a "rise" out of people.  Indeed, a pun.

But seriously, my feeling about Jana in this story, and what occurs is that she has serious problems hanging out with this lot.

At the point where she calls Dean, saying she's not done with him yet, it sounds as if she's playing the dominant game, but then Dean turns into someone who would smash a beer bottle over her head and...

Well, see the trouble is, as a writer, I know what I can do with the manipulation of heavy subject matter, but I think it's a better test of a writer to work without using "tools" like this to generate a story.

Now really, if we take out all of the sex elements, what do we have?  We've got some people chatting about what?  Grandma's rose garden?

I don't sympathize with any of the characters except of course "Misty."  But we don't get to know her and she shows up again at the end as a ghost only serving as a bit of a story device.

I notice that the original characters disappear out of the script and then these other boys show up who are behaving the same way.

Is this to show a "like father, like son" kind of thing?  The sins of the father are the sins of the sons?

My suggestion to the writer here would be to take your talent and use "it" rather than gimmicks or devices to get attention.

It's important that we ask ourselves: Who is our audience?  What is the genre?

When we strip down our story to its bare essentials, what is left?

For this particular piece, there is too much obviously that doesn't fit well with a general audience.  What we're left with is the audience looking to read or watch sexually filled material, and they probably don't want to hear about little girls getting abused by three old scum bags.

Then there's the horror genre, but it's not fitting there either.

Who is our audience?  This is an important question which I think was forgotten.

I was just disgusted by the content of this and I didn't feel in the end it delivered any real resolution.

Good job though for a clean looking script despite its content.

Hope this was helpful.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stacysailor
Posted: August 17th, 2007, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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I don't read other reviews before I write my own.

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This script had a professional feel to it.  Both the action and dialogue were conveyed succinctly.  The writer succeded in creating a fully formed screen story within the specified page limit.  I did not see the mist coming at all when it hit (not to be punny), so that was nicely unexpected.  The dialogue of all of the unsavory characters seemed authentic, if at times a little trite.  

As for the challenges of the piece, there was nothing redeeming in any of the characters.  I felt dirty peeking into their lives and hearing them talk.  I hated to think of people living and behaving like this -- maybe just my own limitations.

What troubled me the most was that the murderers were not the same people upon whom vengeance was wreaked.  Stake goes off to a bike convention, scott free?  Why does he keep his porno collection locked up?  There is no indication that they filmed their time with Misty.  

These men were all ugly misogynists.  Apparently that is what motivated Dean to throw Jana to the wolves, and allowed Loy to turn his back on her, and obviously what allowed Stake and his gang to rape and kill Misty.  

The only redeeming quality of the story was that the ethereal blue Misty helped Jana to safety.

Overall, it seemed to fit better into the category of horror rather than thriller.

To balance, I must say that the visuals were excellent and well-conveyed.
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mcornetto
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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You have a hip, interesting style.  You just showed us a bit too much of it.  This script should have been a ghost story from the get go.  Instead you gave us pages and pages of penises. I usually don't mind such things - but you got excessive with it.

When you finally got down to the revenge it happened way too fast.  Revenge should be slow and sweet.
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Tony Gangemi
Posted: August 21st, 2007, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to everyone who took the time to provide commentary.  LMF will undoubtedly resurface as a feature at some point.  It's just a question of when.

Best,

Tony


Drama is character in action. - Linda Cowgill  

Website:

http://www.freewebs.com/aimeeandtony/



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