I liked this one a lot in its own right. The characters are likeable and felt very real. There dialogue was solid as well, although I feel like thirteen year olds probably wouldn't be using the word "heck." Not major, really, but still felt a little off. There was definitely a Stephen King vibe about this one. I know it's the Everglades but the characters made it feel like Castle Rock. There's some pretty interesting conflict on the boat and Kyle's death sets up for a pretty emotional ending...

I say "sets up" because the alligator kind of spoils what closure there would have been in the end. I mean, it's just so random. I don't care if it is the Everglades. This thing was just so out of left field and didn't fit at all with the tone of the story.

I also said I liked this one "in its own right." By that I mean I liked it but in the context of the OWC, it doesn't work. The theme is there but the genre isn't. This reads much more like a genre and the tone suggests nothing "thrilling." Even on the boat, it feels like a drama. The suspense is there but I still think a boat like this sinking doesn't exactly make for a thriller. If it were a little bigger and perhaps out in the middle of the ocean, maybe. I don't know. This just didn't seem like it could work as a thriller, despite the conflict that does occur.

In any case, I liked this one a lot. It was a very enjoyable read. I think I would have liked it a lot more if it wasn't an OWC entry.

This started out promising.  The setup and the characters worked.  Then around the time the water started rising, maybe just a little bit before, the dialogue started to be a bit on the nose and the whole premise seemed to get a bit stale.  I didn't like the gator bit at the end.  

Overall it was well written and good work.  

I think the premise is good, two boys stuck in a sinking boat needs to find a way out. You have good introdutory small-talk, even if it carries on for a little while.

I do think the actual thriller part came in a bit late, you could probably create tension better if the boys have an internal conflict on the boat which is then concluded by the actual external conflict. Something unsaid, something that influences who lives and who dies (jealously?), instead of just it being a case of the tall, built guy dies because he's...tall and built.

I actually chuckled at the ending, but I think people are right; it is breaking genre and tone, kinda like the end of Cabin Fever. But I think that's what you went for.

While I liked the dialogue between the two kids in the beginning (it felt real) once they get into a tight spot it becomes very on the nose as James said. We don't need a line of dialogue every time the water rises, you should just show us tha water rises.

Anyway, I think this one was enjoyable, even if it could be cut shorter.

I liked the idea, with two characters in a life or death situation which they have very little time to escapre from.  The opening conversation is great, I enjoyed it and helped me to get to like the characters in a hurry, which needs to happen if we want the characters to come out of their situation.  I think the story works just fine from both a plot and character standpoint until, as has been pointed out, Jimmy figures out this is a drug boat awfully fast.  I really felt for Jimmy as he had to watch his friend die because of a stupid need to show machismo, but that made sense from an early adolescence standpoint.

We had the dead body seeded well, if in the usual way as the boys catch an awful smell and lo, we all know they're finding a dead body.  Then an alligator pops out from nowhere.  After all Jimmy went through to get out, for him to die by alligator made me feel that the escape and seeing his friend die is a horrible waste.  Since it's not seeded, it just feels tacked on and tasteless.

This was certainly very different!

The concept is good; two young teens go on an old boat and foolishly sail out and then it starts to sink so they gotta get off.  Good stuff.  The problem here is that I didn't feel any suspense or even a positive flow from the story for that matter.

My main beef with this was the dialogue because, well, it just sounded weird.  These kids didn't sound like kids, or even dorky kids, they just sounded almost robotic and clanky.  Plus some of the stuff didn't flow well.  On page 8 there's 3 consecutive pieces of dialogue that ends with "down there."  And toward the end when Jimmy is explaining that it's a drug boat...I mean, he sounded like an uneducated Bill Nye the Science Guy to be completely honest with you.

The end took me by surprise, but by then I was already a little drifted from the story that I just brushed it off.  I mean Kyle dies and Jimmy gets eaten by an alligator...a little out of the blue but quite unique, yet I couldn't really fully enjoy it.

It was a nice effort and your story had very good intentions, but the characters need work.  I think that's your biggest issue here.  Best of luck to ya.

Hey Jordan,

I liked this senario.  I've never been a big fan of the water or enclosed spaces so it kind of got to me as I was reading.

I skimmed through some previous comments.  Others have mentioned that the dialogue was a little on the nose.  I'll agree at times it was, especially when they discovered the body and the boat started to sink.  It felt like you were using dialogue to explain what was happening rather than just showing.  Other than that I thought this was a pretty tense story and the banter between the kids really spiced things up.

I think the ending with the alligator works if you view this simply as a cautionary tale.  If you decide to rewrite this I might have the kids purposely go looking for danger or excitement rather than stumbling upon it - show them being reckless.  It might give their demise more meaning.

Yo what up peoples  Thanks for all your reads and comments, I tried to do something different, a pretty much clean script, which is a stretch for me

I know that most people dis liked my ending, and I knew when I wrote it it may tick a few people off, but that dark sinister side took over.

I did want to have the alligator to have a bigger role in the story, originally the gator was trying to get in as the kids were trying to get out, but it would be too long.

Anyways thanks again