The Slow Getaway by Dale Z (zdamort)  (OWC name - Piemur)  - Short, Thriller - Two mobsters on the run need the help of an eccentric drunk to avoid being caught.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - rtf, format

I'm a new poster, so I ain't gonna say much other than I liked the descriptions, particularly the inside of the boat.
I'm more of JD guy than a Schnapps guy, so I can't relate to much to Vern's facination with the stuff. Really liked the ending.

Unlike Blakkwolfe, I could see the fascination.  After all, a bum is more likely to drink six dollar schnapps than twenty five dollar JD any day.

As far as the story goes, I enjoyed it, but felt it was more of an action/comedy (emphasis) on the comedy than a thriller.  This is made heavily apparent by Vern.

I think if you had gone in an entirely different direction with him, making him more silent an ominous, you would have gotten that thriller vibe.

As it stands though, I enjoyed reading it, so nice work there.

I know I'm the last person on earth who should be saying this but you HAVE to work on your formatting. You had the 'magic' screenplay where 5 minutes to night turned into everlasting DAY and there was no beginning slug line and then two EXTRA slug lines. But that aside, I kind of liked it some elements were pretty unoriginal but  there was something about it that interested me, so work from there.

So Vern...funny guy, made the script interesting and is what kept me reading.  It was obvious to me that he was working for the rival gang because he couldn't have more explicitly intimated that he was poor but was soon coming into money.

Which basically led me to believe both criminals were kind of dim.  And I have a difficult time believing that two dim criminals could score such a big hesit.  Also, I thought they were stealing from the guys chasing them, so offering them the money that was rightuflly theirs, doesn't seem like much of an olive branch, but it's very possible I misunderstood that line.

Basically though, Vern really had me laughing when his life was threatened and he responded saying he didn't deserve to die unless the gun toting duo had something against schnapps.  The comedy in this was good, but I didn't buy into the suspense or the story.  

Still enjoyed it though.

Premise:  Getaway script with a madcap tramp. 6/10

Relation to theme:  Sound use of the boat but this is a comedy, not a thriller. 5/10

Story: Some sharp and witty dialogue and action but it never realy went into any new territory.  5/10

Very predictable I'm afraid. Some of the later dialogue reveals far too easily what the end result will be. The dialogue for Joey and Sal isn't great. Vern has most of the better dialogue but none of it really realistic to me, in the situation they're all in I mean, it's not real enough. Not much thrilling going on the story either, but more comedy.

I'm disappointed with this one. And to copy decadencefilms@37.com's reviewing style, here are my scores for this one.

Idea: 5
Relation to Theme and Genre: 5
Overall:5

Jamie

I thought the writing here was pretty solid, format as well. The story was alright but it quickly became predictable.

My biggest beef with this script is the characters Joey and Big Sal. They're supposed to be mobsters, right? But the way they acted and talked didn't go hand in hand with their profession. Maybe it's stereotypical but they should curse a lot more; words like cocksucker, motherfucker, fuck (well, you can probably figure out what I wrote) SHOULD be in their vocabulary cuz' we expect that and by removing that - plus the fact that they pretty much act like boyscouts - the characters loses some credibility. They should've just stormed aboard, kicked the shit out of Vern and forced him to fire up the engine and then put two slugs in his brain (why leave a witness, right?).

This was no thriller at all, a light comedy that never really got funny.

I know the mob's branching out...but jet skis? Please.

This was a decent effort. Kick it up a notch or two.

I liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. The story's okay. I liked the twist, except it was a tad predictable.

I thought the ending was too abrupt. Some of the dialogue was off. I didn't believe they were mobsters. They weren't really that rough. Both Joey and Big Sal reminded me of wanna-bes.

Sorry I couldn't be anymore helpful.

This one was fun. It had a few funny spots. Joey and Big Sal kind of reminded me of the guys from Of Mice and Men, Lenny and I forget the other one.

There weren’t any technical issues that I can remember.

I’m not sure what the Styx reference was all about. At first I thought maybe it wasn’t really Vern’s boat. But it was and he knew the name so I’m not sure why he called his boat Styx when he knew otherwise.

I didn’t know exactly what the deal was but I was pretty sure all along that Vern was going to betray them somehow. So it was fairly predictable.

Still it was a fun read.


Breanne

Good job!

The story was predictable but entertaining.  The characters were ok, but I felt that you could have done more with them in the page allotment. The dialogue was good. I found a bit slow in the beginning and I didn't really see too much thriller until the end.

Overall, nice job. better than average.

This is another script where it's more of a drama than a thriller...and a light drama at that.

I thought the characters were very two dimensional.  Nothing really stuck out with them.  When Sal and Joey threatened Vern, I just didn't feel it.

Much of the dialog was forced.  Look especially at Joey's dialog on the top of page two:

It looks like a regular boat with a truck
cap plopped on top.  Ugly as sin, but it will
help us hide for a bit

This is a classic example of on-the-nose dialog.  People don't speak in such an informative way, unless it's a teacher giving a lecture.  When people talk in an informative fashion, there's usually some idle chatter in there.


Phil

Predictible as it was, it kept my attention. That said, I enjoyed it. I think, if tweak just a little bit, making it more suspenseful, this would be a great read. All the elements are there.

As for the dialogue, I thought it was uneven. At times it was good, at other times, though, it was, as Phill said, on-the-nose. The descriptives, too, were, imo, uneven. At times it had a "this happens, then that happens..." feel to it. For example, "Joey looks around and spots what he's been looking for in the front, a control panel.  Joey walks up to the control panel..."

All in all, though, I enjoyed it.

I've read that movie scripts are twenty percent dialogue and eighty percent visual.

Conversely, television scripts are the other way around.

Now, I don't know how much truth there is to this, but I think that a lot of dialogue without it servicing character and exposition can pull a script down.

In this case, it seems to me that there's quite a bit of dialogue, but there isn't conflict or edge to make it rise above  the ordinary.

There was one typo I noticed:

>...help us hid for a bit

Perhaps this script suffers from the bane of many script writers: difficulty bringing freshness and new characters to old stories.

There really aren't a lot of plots to work with when it comes right down to it--maybe a dozen which include getting the prize or the power, revenge, star-crossed lovers...

The thing is, it's not the story that matters so much, but how we hear plausible or even larger than life situations play out in a way we can relate to (or not) but in an interesting way.

Unfortunately, I didn't think this one dug into the characters enough, but it almost did.

At the part where Sal looks at the table with kiddie chairs and then tests one out, it's written down, but there isn't any reaction written into it.

Now, if big Sal sits down, very very gently and his face gives off a pleasing smile and then "BOOM," he falls to the ground while Joey curses at the same time; not because of Sal, but because he's trying to get to the next page of a porno story he's reading and the page is stuck together due to an over abundant spill over of peach schnapps...

...then we're getting more into the moment.  The reaction time is very important.  If every scene or (I don't know if I'm right here) but if even in smaller movie moments called beats, we can get that reaction time, we are more engaged.

Your overall formatting looks good.  I think you just need to work on the finer points of crafting the story; those subtle things that professionals make look so easy.

It would be nice to see more of Big Sal's character brought to life visually.

It's probably a good idea to consider what kind of mood your going for right at the get go because with that in mind, it will carry you through to the end.  That kind of consistency really transfers into the work.  I don't know how.  Maybe it's magic or something, but it just works that way.  

Caution though:  I've seen movies that strayed from one particular mood to another and mostly, it doesn't work.  Audiences gain a certain expectation from the way things are set in the beginning and when the author changes the rules part way through, people aren't too happy.

They are quite happy to go along with all kinds of absurdities, if that's the tone--think the last American Pie movie.  My daughter and her male friend were both laughing about how unrealistic it was.  "I don't know where these colleges exist in all these movies, but it must be on another planet." is the type of response they gave, but it didn't make them laugh less.

The thing is though, we don't mind over the top if it's expressed in the beginning, that: "It's entertainment!"  Join us for the ride.

This was a good effort, and I appreciate the fact that there weren't a lot of typos.

Sandra

Author here,

Thanks for reading and reviewing.  I appreciate it and your criticisms no doubtedly will help me in future scripts.

Just a couple notes\responses to certain things:

- Schanpps.  Vern drinks Schnapps because it's cheap.  I personally love Schnapps, and was drinking it when I came up with the idea for this script.  

- Swearing.  Yeah, I probably should have made my 'mobsters' more vulgar.  For some reason I decided to keep this script clean.  It was my first simplyscript contest script and I didn't want to offend anyone.  That was a mistake!

- Comedy.  Yes, this has a very comedic feel to it.  Most of my work is comedy.  I'm a funny person(or so I like to think) and it really comes through in my scripts, even when it isn't fitting.  I wanted Vern to be eccentric, not comedic.  Fine line.  And I failed.

- Formatting.  Ziggy says I have formatting problems.  I don't see them, and neither did anyone else.  

- Stampede.  You said, " Also, I thought they were stealing from the guys chasing them, so offering them the money that was rightuflly theirs, doesn't seem like much of an olive branch "

That is very wrong, and I suggest you re-read the script one day if you're bored.

- Predictable.  Some say the story was predictable.  Really?  I must work on this.  How you could know that Vern was promised a payoff before getting on the boat is a mystery to me.  How you could also know Patch and his boys would meet up with the boat on jet skis, and throw a grenade in the window(although the grenade was foreshadowed) to kill them...is beyond me.  I have to work on that I suppose.


Thanks again for reading.  And if you haven't read it yet, please do.  I could always use more constructive criticism to help me improve!

BIG SAL
...And that's why they're after us.
VERN
Well, and I mean no offense, but if you robbed me of that much money, I would be upset too!
Joey joins them.
JOEY
He's lucky a bullet wound is all he suffered.  Patch is known for his affinity for grenades.  If he tossed one in the motel room, we both woulda been toast.

It sounds like Big Sal and Joey stole money from Patch's crew.  At the end, Patch throws a grenade into the ship.

Are you saying that Patch is working for the guys who had their money stolen and that Joey and Sal are trying to make a deal with him?

If so, how did the original guys with the money get a band of thugs to track down Joey and Sal so quickly, as they're just running away with the cash now?  Plus, while they're running, they come across Vern, in real time, who already awaits them.  I'm kind of confused how this all works out?

They mention the motel.  This is where they were hiding.(subtext)  Patch shows up.  They were found.  Somehow they fought their way out.  Sal gets shot.

Sometime before Vern gets on that boat (logically, minutes before) he is offered money(not THAT money.  Other money) to sail them to a predetermined destination, where the ending takes place.

(Think about it.  You're an alcoholic nobody, a step above a bum.  Some guys come to you and say they will pay you a lot of money if you sail your boat to a certain spot.  You do it.)

It is never said when they stole the money.  They are a motel, this says to the reader, they are HIDING.

And Joey's words at the end are just the words of a desperate man.

Alright, I was just confused but that's probably my fault in missing something.  On what page do they mention the hotel?  I just re-read the script and can't remember where it was.  Going to go back and look again.

Alright, I found it.  I guess without your mentioning it, I wouldn't have realized that they were at a motel with the money before being found.  I'm not trying to be an a-hole or anything because I will say right off the bat that I'm no pro and I could be wrong about what I'm about to bring up, so just explain to me a few things that I don't understand:

If the thieves get to Vern beforehand, shouldn't they be right on Joey and Sal's tail?  If they are, then they wouldn't want to waste fifty grand, just to play games with their prey.

Also, and again, I'm not saying you didn't describe everything the right way, I'm just trying to figure out how we know that Patch is a henchman and not the man who originally possessed the money.

I guess we're supposed to infer that since Joey and Sal offer Patch and co. a slice of the pie, they know who are the henchmen and who actually possessed the cash.  

I didn't dislike the script or anything and I am very capable of misinterpreting proper writing.  I basically just want to make sure I understand the script.

Thanks.

Quoted from stampede331 If the thieves get to Vern beforehand, shouldn't they be right on Joey and Sal's tail?  If they are, then they wouldn't want to waste fifty grand, just to play games with their prey.

1.  Vern was never going to get fifty grand.  THEY KILLED HIM when they got there.

2.  They allowed this plan to go on for...well common sense reasons.
   A.  A firefight on the shore where they have already caused a lot of noise and probably drawn attention could be avoided.
   B.  In the ending, in the middle of the water, Sal\Joey have nowhere to run, barely any cover, and will be grenaded(grenades out at sea is easier to pull off without drawing attention than grenades on land).

It's fiction.

Alright man, well I liked it but was just kind of confused at parts.  That's all.  I figured they'd kill Vern but then again, i figured Vern was street smart as he had broken into a few places in his time.  Anyway, I'm going to sleep.  I really did like the Vern character and just felt the story was a little loose in a few parts.  But that's just me.  The script made more sense than mine so I hope you don't take this as an attack.  I wouldn't have prolonged this conversation so long if you hadn't specifically addressed my critique.  I look forward to the next competition when you will hopefully get to write something in the comedy genre since you said you liked writing that.  

Sorry I'm late with this.  Now that the names are out and I'm back from Canada, I can review scripts for those who reviewed mine.  This has a good premise.  I like the idea of two crooks seemingly being saved by an eccentric drunk.  I like eccentric drunks, they're ususally fun to read and almost as much fun to write because you can have them say almost anything.  The obsession with Schnapps is a great character bit to Vern.  I also like that everything is actually set up nicely.  The ending with the grenade is set up by taling about Patch's obsession with grenades.  Very nice.

It seems a little inconsistent though.  That Vern tells the goons the name of the boat is the Styx never pays off anywhere.  Everyone seems to say whatever is on the forefront of their mind, not just Vern, who's a drunk, and transparent as glass, but the mobsters as well.  That Big Sal looks like he's gonna cry early on is a funny bit, but he's a made man, isn't he?  And with Vern being so transparent, I mean, the minute he said he hit the lottery, if I was one of those two, I'd've shot him and took my chances with the boat, because I figure he's out for my money, much less working for the other side.  The two main characters come off as a little to dim, even for comedy.  They still have to seem somewhat three dimensional and realistic, so that we care about them in some way.