Thanks for reading, chomico.

I'm working on giving my descriptions more oomph. We'll see what happens with my newest script. I understand that it sounds like a police report and I'll try my hardest to fix it.

Hey ABSteel,

This felt kinda like a cross between Flatliners, Mean Creek and Stephen King's IT (the loss of a brother).

I liked it but it lacked punch. There were too few emotions in this - IMO - very emotional story. While I felt the sorrow that Jim was going through to a certain extent I thought you dropped the ball a somewhat when you didn't dive (get it?) deeper into his psyche. That could have been the "thrilling" part of the script, cos' as it stands now it's not a thriller. It works great as a drama piece but not as a thriller.

Setting aside the use of non-active verbs and whatnot, I thought the writing was solid incl. the dialogue. But you should use active verbs, it makes the story flow much better (plus it takes up fewer words).

All in all, an enjoyable read.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks, Rob. I'm still learning, so we'll see what happens with my next script. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Breanne says that I write like a police report. How can I fix this?

Vary your sentence structure. Surprisingly some changes can do wonders, but you'll never know until you give it a try.  Got it?

Hey, Steel.  When somebody new pops up on the boards with so much bluster, I can't help but wonder just what they have going on themselves.  And I mean that in a hetero, writer-type way.  Just so you know, I went into this fresh, without reading any previous comments.

I thought the opening to this story was effective.  Nice, short descriptions that read quickly with efficient dialogue. You are not completely new to this, are you?  

But I gotta say that I become bored with Lisa very quickly.  A very blah chick, this Lisa.  I don't think you ever gave her more than one sentence at a time, and it was always something on-the-nose bland.  A pretty thankless role for the actress.  I would try to spice her up a bit.  Give her some personality.

I think Jim should find a puddle of water on the deck when he goes out to investigate.  And I also do not like it when characters "instantly" fall asleep to help drive the story.  That technique is one of those things that may work on the page, but not on the screen.  Watch out for that kind of stuff.

I found Jim to be waaay too calm about seeing Tyler.  Come to think of it now, Tyler’s parents also seemed a little too calm when they found Tyler.  Let me go back and check.  Yeah.  Dad says, "It’s OK.  Let’s just bring him inside." It's OK?  That's pretty cold.  I actually thought maybe Tyler was still alive at first.

You should try to inject your characters with a little more emotion -- a little more urgency -- during episodes like these.  Something that needs exclamation points, you know?

But I like your little tacked on ending with Tyler.  It closes things out well -- although I could also be a jerk and ask how our viewers would know this was a dream without the benefit of a slugline.

While this story holds water, so to speak, with a fairly solid structure, where I think this story comes up lacking is with Jimmy’s guilt.

You set him up as a character in need of redemption -- and in fact, you give it to him -- but the big problem here is that he really didn’t do anything wrong.  He efforts to save his brother were heroic.

Jimmy should have been more responsible for Tyler’s death.  Perhaps he was too afraid to jump into the creek after him.  He does not actually cause the death, but the weight of his responsibility is increased, and that would help lend his redemption more resonance when it is finally delivered.

Despite my gripes, though, I had no real technical problems with this story.  Guilt and redemption in 7 days and 9 pages -- that's tough.  I've participated in these challenges before and I know how it goes.  Another week or two might have made a world of difference.  But it is competent enough that I can see you've got some talent there.  Welcome to the boards -- a little late.  It would be interesting to see something where you had the benefit of a little more time.  

I agree with all your comments. This isn't an excuse, but I only spent a day on the script, so I didn't have a lot of time to tweak it.

If I could do it over, I'd cut Lisa out completely. I'm not sure what I'd do with the rest, but I think it'd be better if she was out.

Quoted from bert I could also be a jerk and ask how our viewers would know this was a dream without the benefit of a slugline.

Yeah... cause the viewers are privy to everything in the script

I'll say that this was a real hit to my ego and confidence. I wasn't sure I wanted to even do this, since I haven't really shared my work with complete strangers. I'm glad I did it, though, and thanks to you, my confidence has restored itself, a little bit, at least.

Okay Austin,

I read your script.

Here's my two cents.

Some things didn't quite work...

Jimmy calls his father daddy, then turns around and calls his brother a bitch, and uses other curse words???

Luke says it's okay when he finds his son lifeless???

Lisa laughs when Jim says he doesn't want to go swimming, just after he has told her about his trauma as a youngster???

As for the story itself, I can see this working out nicely after some spit and polish. I liked how Tyler gave him the chance to save him, and ease his mind a little, but I think that part still needs a little something... as to what... well I'm not thinking that clearly right now. If I think of something, I'll come back here.

If you do a rewrite, let me know, and I'll give it a read.

Cindy

This one was okay. You set it up pretty good. The boys were well written and you had some interesting conflict going on surrounding the knife. Once Jim is grown up though, I think the story goes downhill a little. It wasn't bad per se but it seems like you set up the story in the begining for something more interesting. I don't understand Tyler's ghost's intentions. He shoves Jim into the water and then waves goodbye to him as he leaves. Then when Jim's in the water, all that happens is he has some sort of flashback (you should indicate a flashback BTW). I have no idea what he was trying to do. In the end, I don't even know what happened. Was it just a dream? I'd hope not. I think a lot of these guys have already told you such endings are lame. Yeah, that's the only word for it.

So yeah. All in all, a good setup but a weak, not to mention confusing, payoff.

He wasn't a flashback, but thanks for reading.

Hey,

I thought this was ok.

I like the overall idea for the story but I thought their were some problems with your execution.

The biggest problem I thought was that a lot of stuff just kind of came across as bland. As other people have already pointed out some of the descriptions, some of the characters seem like they are just placeholders and some of the dialog.

About the dialog, some of it seemed really stiff like after Jim's parents come and find their son dead, or Jim explaining his fear ti Lisa(seemed like you were just trying to get the information out an move on to the next scene), or when Tyler shows up. The dialog stood out as something that could be improved. As it is it kind of took me out of the atmosphere I think you were trying to create.

Anyway, good idea and a nice start.

sheepwalker

Bumped for callinsky.

Okay, with Drowned I started of enjoying the voices of children.  Even when they’re bad they are still good.  

I felt the intensity building up.   It scared me.  I think it’s the mother in me.  *I didn’t  understand Luke’s reaction.

The retelling of the story builds the tension even more.  Then you get the dripping water, twice.  By the time Tyler appears, even though it was expected, I was ready to hide under some covers.
Now, I don’t watch horror movies anymore.  I used to love them but I’ve become a pu()*&.   This genuinely frightened me.

Great job!

I felt good in the end, too.  Forgot that part.