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First entry for me...wish I could say how much I liked this, but I can't. Sorry.
Lots of mistakes, as others have noted. Punctuation problems all over the place. There's a missing slug when Mrs. Stark leaves the house and runs down the street. Other slugs are poorly written, in that 2 different houses are both called "house", but then later, it reads, "Stark's house". Slugs need to be consistent and as detailed as possible, so we know where we are.
Story-wise, this didn't work for me either, sorry to say. I don't see anything in here at all that relates to a romantic comedy. I also don't see anything funny in here at all, nor do I see any attempts at humor. The story didn't make any sense to me, nor did the ending.
Finally, the music piece of the challenge seems to be an afterthought. I know it's going to be really tough for people to actually "hear" everyone's lyrics, over the 56 second snippet of music. I couldn't get these lyrics to fit at all within the tune, but maybe that's just me. But, the biggest issue with the music here is that it just doesn't really make any sense, as Emma is simply singing a lullaby, meaning there wouldn't be any accompanying music with it, yet it starts out with a "cue music". Where is this music coming from?
On a more positive note, this was a very simple and quick read, and things were easy to follow. It's never easy to write a script in a week,a nd this was a tough challenge for sure, so I give you kudos for completing this and entering it. Sorry if my words seem harsh, but these are my thoughts after reading it. Hope this helps.
As usual Jeff, I think your comments are worth listening to and learning from.
I really enjoyed this and because it was written so well, I didn't notice the punctuation problems. Seriously, I didn't-- and that makes me feel bad because I should.
Obviously, the writing was so strong that I didn't notice those weaknesses.
Thank you again for your contributions here. You help us to be better people.
This was pretty good. There could've been more comedy impact with the baby devil; perhaps some more 'demon' lines or references. it suited the theme and the lyrics were clever. the best of the 3 I've read so far.
I like the lyrics, but I think there were some moments that could have been beefed up... like when she says yeah I know when the baby devil calls him a dick, maybe she should have said something like Yeah I know, but he's my dick...
I also think that the boy should have delivered the flowers instead of the delivery guy. Some more funny stuff could have happened.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I thought this was well written and I liked Emma. Was a quick and fun read.
With that said, there were a few problems with it. I totally didn't get the ending. Who sent her the flowers, and why? Why did she then call the agency? I really don't know.
Why would the baby know about Ted Hamlin? It seems you inserted it to use call back humor and give Steve a reason to be jealous. But it also doesn't make any sense, unless I missed something.
I would have thought Emma would be more shocked by a talking baby, especially one with a tail. Her reaction is so nonchalant that you lost me a little bit there.
Overall it was a good effort. I felt like this was probably rushed a bit to meet the deadline though and that's where some of the problems arose.
Cons – The ending wasn’t clear on why Emma received flowers. Also, unclear on why Emma was calling the agency at the end.
Comedy – Emma didn’t act surprised at the events here. The telltale signs that something wasn’t right at this house were more tension building than comic.
Romance – Not a strong element of story. Teenage romance could’ve been stepped up. The flowers received at the end does not equal romance.
Lyrics – Done as a lullaby. Interesting interpretation of melody. Nice having the dog howling along. (Can a dog howl quietly?)
Writer – Creative story and lullaby. Needs work to make it sing.
Criteria – Weaknesses in comedy and romance elements.
I'm doing my best. I'm trying not to say mean things, and I'm trying to point out issues that jump out at me. Just trying to help.
I don't mean to be harsh to anyone, but I do have to be honest...
And we appreciate it... Or at least like to watch it when we're not the victims...
This was a good piece... The lyrics read wel into it. I wasn't sure where this ended up. With her calling the agency after getting flowers. Maybe you can clarify later. Do like the devil baby pun. After all, they're all devils IMO.
Did lack romance and drama.... Again a huge request for a 12 pager. But i got the comedy. This was an interesting piece. I'd like to take a guess, but it seems as though evryone else is abstaining froim doing so...
I'm new to this and will do the same for now, bye Jeff
er,,, wait a minute, there was an abbreviated slug... definitely take that back.
I liked the notion of having monsters in the story, sort of a Munsters/Addams Family vibe. But it didn't to go anywhere. There was a bit of lighthearted humor but it lacked in romance and drama. I think that if the story was fleshed out more it would've been easier to understand the premise and conclusion, which was possible considering only 9 of the allotted 12 pages were filled.
Still, I did like the idea and you've a good flow to your writing.
I really enjoyed reading this, even though there was practically no story at all.
It flowed very well.
I'd like to see a longer version of this. It would be fun if Emma was the babysitter for monsters in general and somehow they got into a dangerous caper. A darkly comedic film along the lines of the Monster squad or Beetlejuice. The Addams family meets Don;t tell MOM the Babysitters dead.
The author has a nice sensibility that could translate well to a children's film.
I wanted to thank everyone for the reads, and the comments.
I am going to do a rewrite to make things clearer, and then resubmit it.
Slap shot, you wanted to know what I use to write with. Well, I use scripped at http://www.scriped.com. It's free, but after you switch it to PDF you have to go back to the original and make changes to make it look decent on the PDF.
Thanks again,
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Don is quick. He got my rewrite of this script up already.
It has 12 pages now, and I hope this version clears up some of the questions.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Cindy, gave her another look... Far improved IMO. The ending was much better. My brain is moosh after reading all of these. I do declare i can't remember your original completely, But I thoroughly enjoyed this one. i see you removed the call to the agency. Poof. there go our questions...
It leaves alot to the imagination. Was the baby adopting new parents??? Was Elizabeth escaping??? Seems like baby can handle itself. Or, is it exactly as it reads??? Liked it.
It is exactly as it reads. I've done a little more tweaking on my end with the script. I may resubmit it in a couple weeks, but I've been having a hard time with my computer lately. I may have to reboot it
Thanks for giving it a read, Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
The scar on the arm made the "dodging knives" joke less funny in my opinion. Her line is enough.
Your descriptions of Emma and Steve are a little too wordy. You could describe them as "emo" or "goth" and that would do it. In fact, describing Emma as looking like Ms. Ricci's character made me picture her the whole time and that dead-pan delivery, which didn't seem to fit your character.
You have a lot of set description that is unnecessary to the story. It's a problem I have been working on as well. To me, the best scripts are all story. Let the set designer worry about the set, let us write the story. Instead of describing furniture in detail you can just describe the home as gaudy, contemporary, dirty, etc. and get the point across quickly.
It's funny that Emma is the least bit concerned that the baby talks in a deep voice.
Why did Steve disappear in the middle of the script? I was feeling a little lost at this point and then he shows up at the door and I completely lost it. The last shot of the family picture made sense, but the couple of pages before that were nonsensical.
My other complaint is that nothing really happens here. Emma is never in any real danger. A dark figure shows up and then he's gone. Nothing. Not enough conflict to me.
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