Monster's Lullaby by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A teen (whose boyfriend thinks she is cheating on him) babysits for an unusual child, and the house is broken into. 12 pages - pdf, format

That was cute.  Good for the younger set.  I liked the lyrics you wrote.  

Unfortunately, I didn't really get a Romance vibe from this.  It would have been romance if he really tried to win her back, but he didn't he was just jealous. There wasn't any real tension there.

It was good though. It made me smile, not laugh, but smile.

You get
  

This was a fun little read.

I really enjoyed the set up to this piece and the lyrics you wrote for your song were very original.  It made me want to hear the actual song.

I did, however, feel that the "romantic" aspect was the weakest part of your script.  There was really no build up, no resolution.  It was almost as if you threw in the boyfriend to meet the romantic requirement (which wouldn't be a bad guess on my part).

I'd give your script a solid 3.5/5.

liked the way you incorportated the premise into your story...lyrics fit your genre...pretty well written (only suggestion would be that on pg. 3, the parenthetical "interrupting" is redundant when you use the --)...story seemed a little static, but overall good job with the characters...

p.s. could i ask what program you use to write with?  i use final draft and the pdf never looks as "rich" as yours... thanks

I liked the dialog between Emma and Steve.  I have a 14 year old daughter who's on the "EMO" side and this reminded me of her group of friends.  

I liked that Steve followed her over and thought it was funny that the baby was talking but...where was the romance?  Steve gave up pretty easy.  Maybe if he fought for her or found out it was really the baby talking...

And I was a little lost in the end?  Did Steve send her the flowers?  Why did getting the flowers make her call the agency?  

Cute idea and vibe.  

Loved your writing. Very clean and crisp, but very visual at the same time.

Loved the characters too.

I read this real fast because I really enjoyed it and the writing allowed me, but once we got near the end I felt you rushed it a bit. You have 9 pages written when 12 was allowed. I think you need to go back and fix the ending. It left me sort of Huh??

I wanted to know what the devil tales were about... not that we need everything explained in detail, but I felt I would have liked a little more character and story in regards to that.

Also, there could have been a little more romance and perhaps even a tad more comedic feel.

Great job for an OWC though and I've read a ton of them by now.

Pia  

This was a fun read.  I really enjoyed Emma -- she felt real to me.  What I think could have been upped is both a romantic vibe, as well as greater tension, between her and Steve.  I think the devil's tail is hilarious, but could benefit with some development or explanation.  With a few more passes, this could be strengthened by delving further into the emotions of your main duo.

This is just okay to me. It's easy to follow, but I didn't quite get the essence of the story. So what really happened with the baby? Some kind of devil or demon? What is he doing that for? I think this lies towards Horror Comedy rather than Romantic Dramedy. There is very little romance going on. It feels like you just slap in Steve to make this story "romantic".

I give you kudos that you incorporate the song into the script. This is the first script I read that has done that.

Not bad, but not too good either.

First, the Monster's Lullaby is A Time for Dreams on the title page.

Missed quite a few commas and other punctuation marks.

The descriptions of Emma and Steve being matching books ends was funny.

Guess the lack of expression about the appearance of the devil's tail meant that this was common in this world, as she was also not terribly surprised about the baby's tail or that he was talking (just that he wasn't talking politely). I liked how it just moved by itself back under her dress.

I liked the incorporation and the song as fitting into that Addam's Family kind of world.

I don't know how the baby, even though he was a devil, knew about Ted Hamlin, unless they were omnicient by nature, in which case, Elizabeth would have known it was Emma at the door, eliminating the need for an introduction. In addition, if they came from Steve, they came pretty early and Emma would have reacted to it.  I don't know if Steve would send flowers. Maybe dead ones, just for the irony.

Gauks should be gawks, but it could be an Aussie or English spelling...

I didn't get the ending. Did she get the flowers from Debbie for having taken the job? In which, case, Emma really didn't have that much to complain about (compared to Jack Jack's babysitter on the Incredibles.) He was a little rude for picking on her boyfriend, but otherwise a pretty mellow little kid.

I have no idea who W Addams is. But then that's no excuse when google's stilll at hand. My, what an age in which we live. It is amazing.

Now enlightened I read on.

Unlike most I'm quite fond of paretheticals. As words can mean so much. Especially when the meaning can be so dubious. And, as long as the the writer doesn't take the piss, and you didn't, I find 'em quite useful when the meaning may otherwise be lost.

Quoted from ML the male version of what could be a matching bookend to Emma

A perfect example of what some would deem 'unfilmable and yet summons up an image in my mind of the character. I likey.

Things like 'stoop' and the like mean fuck all to me. This isn't a criticism, just a declararation of foreign ignorance. You yanks have a weird way of putting stuff. Still, I suppose we do too...

Good little story well told. Fade out should be on the right though. Apart from that there's little else to pick about. Enjoyable.

This was a very fast read and very enjoyable.

I liked the mild humour, it was different and the song was very well used.

The romance, well...it was lacking but, none the less a very enjoyable read and well written.

Very well written, I think. Good dialog. Nice lyrics and fits the script nicely.

On the romance side - I don't know, felt it was the script's weakest point. Also, not extremely funny for me.

Grabbed my attention though, an easy read.

Overall, I liked it. Thanks for the read.

First off, I want to say, Idiot, of course it's first off...  

I think this is a professional script. Now I know, yes, it doesn't have the romance-comedy vibe happening. But who cares? Let them all suck the big banana! And that's a good thing, right?  

I'm going to read this again tomorrow just because!

This is very polished and I think the person who wrote this is brilliant-- and they probably wrote it fast too. Wow!

Sandra

Hey writer.

This story was pretty good, but it could be much better. I didn't really get the ending... and I really want to. It seems simple, but I don't fully understand.

The baby crying could be in the action instead of dialogue.

Liked the set up for the singing, worked well.

Overall it wasn't bad at all, very well written, but I didn't laugh or feel any emotion.

Well done.

First entry for me...wish I could say how much I liked this, but I can't.  Sorry.

Lots of mistakes, as others have noted.  Punctuation problems all over the place.  There's a missing slug when Mrs. Stark leaves the house and runs down the street.  Other slugs are poorly written, in that 2 different houses are both called "house", but then later, it reads, "Stark's house".  Slugs need to be consistent and as detailed as possible, so we know where we are.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either, sorry to say.  I don't see anything in here at all that relates to a romantic comedy.  I also don't see anything funny in here at all, nor do I see any attempts at humor.  The story didn't make any sense to me, nor did the ending.

Finally, the music piece of the challenge seems to be an afterthought.  I know it's going to be really tough for people to actually "hear" everyone's lyrics, over the 56 second snippet of music.  I couldn't get these lyrics to fit at all within the tune, but maybe that's just me.  But, the biggest issue with the music here is that it just doesn't really make any sense, as Emma is simply singing a lullaby, meaning there wouldn't be any accompanying music with it, yet it starts out with a "cue music".  Where is this music coming from?

On a more positive note, this was a very simple and quick read, and things were easy to follow.   It's never easy to write a script in a week,a nd this was a tough challenge for sure, so I give you kudos for completing this and entering it.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but these are my thoughts after reading it.  Hope this helps.

Quoted from Dreamscale First entry for me...wish I could say how much I liked this, but I can't.  Sorry. Lots of mistakes, as others have noted.  Punctuation problems all over the place.  There's a missing slug when Mrs. Stark leaves the house and runs down the street.  Other slugs are poorly written, in that 2 different houses are both called "house", but then later, it reads, "Stark's house".  Slugs need to be consistent and as detailed as possible, so we know where we are. Story-wise, this didn't work for me either, sorry to say.  I don't see anything in here at all that relates to a romantic comedy.  I also don't see anything funny in here at all, nor do I see any attempts at humor.  The story didn't make any sense to me, nor did the ending. Finally, the music piece of the challenge seems to be an afterthought.  I know it's going to be really tough for people to actually "hear" everyone's lyrics, over the 56 second snippet of music.  I couldn't get these lyrics to fit at all within the tune, but maybe that's just me.  But, the biggest issue with the music here is that it just doesn't really make any sense, as Emma is simply singing a lullaby, meaning there wouldn't be any accompanying music with it, yet it starts out with a "cue music".  Where is this music coming from? On a more positive note, this was a very simple and quick read, and things were easy to follow.   It's never easy to write a script in a week,a nd this was a tough challenge for sure, so I give you kudos for completing this and entering it.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but these are my thoughts after reading it.  Hope this helps.

As usual Jeff, I think your comments are worth listening to and learning from.

I really enjoyed this and because it was written so well, I didn't notice the punctuation problems. Seriously, I didn't-- and that makes me feel bad because I should.

Obviously, the writing was so strong that I didn't notice those weaknesses.

Thank you again for your contributions here. You help us to be better people.

Sandra

I'm doing my best.  I'm trying not to say mean things, and I'm trying to point out issues that jump out at me.  Just trying to help.

I don't mean to be harsh to anyone, but I do have to be honest...

This was pretty good. There could've been more comedy impact with the baby devil; perhaps some more 'demon' lines or references.
it suited the theme and the lyrics were clever.
the best of the 3 I've read so far.

And i have no idea who wrote what yet...

I know who wrote this one.  The author's signature is all over the story.

I also think I know who wrote this one.  

I like the lyrics, but I think there were some moments that could have been beefed up... like when she says yeah I know when the baby devil calls him a dick, maybe she should have said something like Yeah I know, but he's my dick...

I also think that the boy should have delivered the flowers instead of the delivery guy. Some more funny stuff could have happened.

Cindy

I thought this was well written and I liked Emma. Was a quick and fun read.

With that said, there were a few problems with it. I totally didn't get the ending. Who sent her the flowers, and why? Why did she then call the agency? I really don't know.

Why would the baby know about Ted Hamlin? It seems you inserted it to use call back humor and give Steve a reason to be jealous. But it also doesn't make any sense, unless I missed something.

I would have thought Emma would be more shocked by a talking baby, especially one with a tail. Her reaction is so nonchalant that you lost me a little bit there.

Overall it was a good effort. I felt like this was probably rushed a bit to meet the deadline though and that's where some of the problems arose.

Cheers,
Tim.

A MONSTER’S LULLABY

Pros – Clean style.

Cons – The ending wasn’t clear on why Emma received flowers. Also, unclear on why Emma was calling the agency at the end.

Comedy – Emma didn’t act surprised at the events here. The telltale signs that something wasn’t right at this house were more tension building than comic.

Romance – Not a strong element of story. Teenage romance could’ve been stepped up. The flowers received at the end does not equal romance.

Lyrics – Done as a lullaby.  Interesting interpretation of melody. Nice having the dog howling along. (Can a dog howl quietly?)

Writer – Creative story and lullaby.  Needs work to make it sing.

Criteria – Weaknesses in comedy and romance elements.

Gary

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm doing my best.  I'm trying not to say mean things, and I'm trying to point out issues that jump out at me.  Just trying to help. I don't mean to be harsh to anyone, but I do have to be honest...

And we appreciate it... Or at least like to watch it when we're not the victims...

This was a good piece... The lyrics read wel into it. I wasn't sure where this ended up. With her calling the agency after getting flowers. Maybe you can clarify later. Do like the devil baby pun. After all, they're all devils IMO.

Did lack romance and drama.... Again a huge request for a 12 pager. But i got the comedy. This was an interesting piece. I'd like to take a guess, but it seems as though evryone else is abstaining froim doing so...

I'm new to this and will do the same for now, bye Jeff

er,,, wait a minute, there was an abbreviated slug... definitely take that back.

James

I liked the notion of having monsters in the story, sort of a Munsters/Addams Family vibe. But it didn't to go anywhere. There was a bit of lighthearted humor but it lacked in romance and drama. I think that if the story was fleshed out more it would've been easier to understand the premise and conclusion, which was possible considering only 9 of the allotted 12 pages were filled.

Still, I did like the idea and you've a good flow to your writing.

I really enjoyed reading this, even though there was practically no story at all.

It flowed very well.

I'd like to see a longer version of this. It would be fun if Emma was the babysitter for monsters in general and somehow they got into a dangerous caper. A darkly comedic film along the lines of the Monster squad or Beetlejuice. The Addams family meets Don;t tell MOM the Babysitters dead.

The author has a nice sensibility that could translate well to a children's film.

I wanted to thank everyone for the reads, and the comments.

I am going to do a rewrite to make things clearer, and then resubmit it.

Slap shot, you wanted to know what I use to write with. Well, I use scripped at http://www.scriped.com. It's free, but after you switch it to PDF you have to go back to the original and make changes to make it look decent on the PDF.

Thanks again,

Cindy

Wow!

Don is quick. He got my rewrite of this script up already.

It has 12 pages now, and I hope this version clears up some of the questions.

Cindy

Cindy, gave her another look... Far improved IMO. The ending was much better. My brain is moosh after reading all of these. I do declare i can't remember your original completely, But I thoroughly enjoyed this one. i see you removed the call to the agency. Poof. there go our questions...

It leaves alot to the imagination. Was the baby adopting new parents??? Was Elizabeth escaping??? Seems like baby can handle itself. Or, is it exactly as it reads??? Liked it.

Good rewrite...

james

Hey James,

It is exactly as it reads. I've done a little more tweaking on my end with the script. I may resubmit it in a couple weeks, but I've been having a hard time with my computer lately. I may have to reboot it  

Thanks for giving it a read,
Cindy

Hey, Cindy.

I'm curious, what's "chunky shaped furniture?"

The scar on the arm made the "dodging knives" joke less funny in my opinion. Her line is enough.

Your descriptions of Emma and Steve are a little too wordy. You could describe them as "emo" or "goth" and that would do it. In fact, describing Emma as looking like Ms. Ricci's character made me picture her the whole time and that dead-pan delivery, which didn't seem to fit your character.

You have a lot of set description that is unnecessary to the story. It's a problem I have been working on as well. To me, the best scripts are all story. Let the set designer worry about the set, let us write the story. Instead of describing furniture in detail you can just describe the home as gaudy, contemporary, dirty, etc. and get the point across quickly.

It's funny that Emma is the least bit concerned that the baby talks in a deep voice.

Why did Steve disappear in the middle of the script? I was feeling a little lost at this point and then he shows up at the door and I completely lost it. The last shot of the family picture made sense, but the couple of pages before that were nonsensical.

My other complaint is that nothing really happens here. Emma is never in any real danger. A dark figure shows up and then he's gone. Nothing. Not enough conflict to me.

A good idea, but this one needs some attention.

James

Hi James,

Thanks for giving this one a read.
Now to answer your comments...

1. "What is chunky shaped furniture"?

I think the script read something like: chunky shaped furniture in the darkest part of the room.
Chunky shaped would be like overstuffed, block shaped, but we really can't see what it is like here.

2. "Why did Steve disappear in the middle of the script"?

Steve disappeared because Emma kicked him out, and locked the door...

3. "then he shows up at the door and I completely lost it"

Why did you lose it? He had to show up. He loves her, and I wanted a happy ending.

4. My other complaint is that nothing really happens here. There is a dark figure then he is gone.

Yes, there was a dark figure, and Emma could have been in danger, but the next scene is in the hall showing the explosion in the bedroom (the baby devil lit the guy on fire).

and  

the whole moral to this story is: Without trust, there is no love.

That is the point Emma is trying to get across to Steve, and he finally gets it at the end.

Thanks again for giving this one a read,
Cindy

Could someone please e-mail this script to me at skyburg@hotmail.com ?

I am having trouble with outlook express and am not able to do so.

Thank you,

Cindy

You've got it my dear!!! It's been sent.

Sandra

Thank you Sandra,

Looks like I'm going to have to reboot this computer to get it to work right. Someone goofed with the settings, then I goofed with the settings trying to fix the goof up, and now they're completely all goofed up. Oh well...


Oh yeah, another thing, a good thing, it looks like this script is getting produced.  

Quoted from CindyLKeller Oh yeah, another thing, a good thing, it looks like this script is getting produced.

Cool news, Cindy.  I'm always glad when I hear that OWC scripts are getting produced.  Helps solidify the theory that good stuff can be done in a short amount of time.

Thanks Mike.

There's more interest in another OWC script that I wrote, too. "Focus" So we'll see.