In Tune by Steve McDonell (stevie) (Jude)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Will the pursuit of a mystery song change the life of a loser?  - pdf, format

Hi Jude...

you put your name on the cover page...

The writing was fine, but the story and characters didn't do much for me I'm afraid to say.

First off, Social Security is for when you have retired. Like when your 65. It's not something you get when you are 23. If you're 23 and unemployed you get either unemployment benefits or you're on welfare. I don't know exactly, but I know it's not social security.

This script is very talky. Films are supposed to be a little more visual. Try to break up some of the chatter with something visual. Doesn't have to be anything big. It can be little gestures that would reveal character. Right now we basically just have talking heads.

Although the idea of Luke hearing a song that he likes and that eventually leads him to Robyn, I still didn't by their romance at all. Why? Because we don't really know these characters at all. Everything seems to happen out of the blue.

So, in short, the story/plot itself can work, but you need to work on your character so we can not just believe them in their actions, but to care about them as well. Right now, I don't like any of the characters enough to get engaged with them and their lives.

Hope this help.

Definitely written by a bloke or a lad. not U.S. jargon here.

LUKE
Hey babe, it’s ok. Things are
looking up for me now. A new girl,
some weekend work helping in her
store...Ed’s coffee. What could
possibly spoil my day?

Don't feel he would call her a new girl on the first date...  It is th OWC though.

Was a good read, no real drama though. I think i may shoot my best friend if he had the nerve to date my mom. Sisters and ex-girlfriends are off the chart for friends IMO. But mothers??? Dammm. Joel has some nerve.

Did like the idea of him trying to locate the info for that song the whole time, nice ending too.


James

This was different in that your character wasn't trying to write a song, but instead look for one that he heard. So interesting take. The song lyrics tho weren't very inspiring, but they did tie into luke's desire to have a girlfriend. So it fit.

i loved the opening with Luke at the bank. very funny. I think the dialogue is the part of this script that shines.

The end was funny, but i wish there had been more at stake.

i appreciate the excellent format and style...the dialog seemed  a little too straightforward...simplistic...comedy seems best when it's based in reality and then drip the absurd in a little at a time...starting off with the bank scene and the manager's attitude was a little over the top and puts the reader in a state of disbelief right off...anyway, a little massaging and this would move up on a rewrite...nice attempt at a tough owc...thanks

I thought it was cute.
It was easy to read, funny, and romantic. Lyrics were good, too.
The social security thingy didn't bother me. People can get SSI if they don't make enough money or Social security if they are disabled.

I liked this one.  

Cindy

Quite enjoyed this
a couple lines by Joel, I really loved.

And betting on a four-legged tin of
dog food isn’t?

Not exactly. I’m just not keen on
going anywhere near a birthing
canal he slid down.

The humor was slight but good.
The romance was minimal but there.

Covers the OWC challenge
So, well done. I enjoyed the read.

"desultorily"  -  have to admit, had to look that up. :/  

Why is Luke getting Social Security at 23 years old?  Is it supposed to be an unemployment check?

I think you needed to show more of a connection between Luke and Robyn.  For the majority of the script Luke is on a quest to find out who sings this particular song and that seems to be the plot when really his connection with Robyn should be the plot and his quest for the song a sub plot.  

It was also a bit on the talky side.  A lot of the conversations did nothing to push your story forward.  

Nice effort though.  I think with some tweaking this story could really shine.  

I really enjoyed this one. Although it lacked what I consider the romantic element, I felt that it was definitely in the comedic mode.

The bank scene in the beginning was funny to me. It clearly shows this poor schmuck getting a hard time. I think you could use this if you were doing a series. You know, have this guy always going back and getting the same lousy treatment. Maybe he even has a history with these 'bank people'. Another story though, right?

But yes, I liked this one. I got a kick out of the idea of his best friend having a love relationship with his mother. That kind of thing can happen.

I love how he never gets to find out who it's by. It's like you can just feel the frustration.

The use of social security had me confused. We call it welfare.

The lyrics themselves weren't so memorable to me, but the story here is.

Sandra

This piece reads well, flows smoothly with proper formatting. I enjoyed some of the banter between Joel and Luke but none of the characters really developed. The opening scene was a bit of a put-off as well because the dialogue seemed unrealistic. A couple Brit-isms shined through, too. Overall, it was a good read.

IN TUNE

Pros – Premise.

Cons – Dialog between Luke and teller was meaner than I would have expected but then it’s been awhile since I’ve been to the Windy City. “Desultorily” doesn’t roll off the tongue well.

Comedy – Conversation-com not so much rom-com. Luke is a funny, spirited, jobless guy. Cranky bank teller. Coffee shop racing addict. Joel, his best friend likes Luke’s mom. Luke and Joel share a single cup of coffee.

Romance – Robyn and Luke are in “like” not “love.” One or two more scenes of
Robyn and Luke would have sold me on their romance.

Lyrics – Integrated into story as the song Luke can’t get off his mind. The song was also responsible for meeting Robyn.  OK lyrics.

Writer – Kudos! Neat way to make your title stick. Proper use of the word “blonde” to mean a female with blond hair. “Muzak” used to be just elevator music without vocals. I guess I am that old to remember that.

Criteria – Adequate comedy and lyrics. A little more on romance would suit this script nicely.

Gary

AARRGGHHHH, you left me hanging at the end! I want to know who sings the song!

Anyway, back to the script. I like this script, simple, straightforward, easy to read, and it gives me something to look forward to........BUT you didn't pay it off!

There is definitely romance and comedy. I chuckled a few times. But the romance department seems too easy for Luke. Luke and Robyn are just....together once they met each other. It feels like the romance is only playing a supporting role of the story.

You developed the characters well, especially Luke and Joel.

Your writing is crisp and clear. But you can go easy on the eclipses.

Overall, this is a very solid script in the OWC. Well done!

It's certainly entertaining, I had a few laughs with this.

Couple of things I couldn't understant - like why Trish would pay half the rent because she's got an eye on Joel.

and then p6 - Robyn's line "my money makes you that happy?"

I think it's a good idea - he's searching for a song to find out who it belongs to but never has luck with it.

Luke doesn't appeal to me though, I think you know why. Why Robyn would be drawn to him is a mystery to me.

Yeah, this was pretty good; it seemed to fit the challenge theme.

A couple of points - maybe have more background between Luke and Robyn. Like they've met in the street or something. It seems too sudden how they fall for each other.
The song lyrics were ok, and the hunt for the singer made it a little funnier.
I reckon maybe dressel wrote this - it has some similiar characters to his features.

This is easily my favorite so far.  Some little issues here and there, but overall, it worked, it fit the challenge genre and also did a great job with the music aspect.

There's lots of humor in here that works...both in terms of actual dialogue and situational humor.  I laughed pretty hard at the Mom and friend "together", and the marriage banter.  Funny.

The weakest part by far is the beginning and bank scene.  The Social Security thing makes no sense, and the bank teller dude is just too over the top.  Once our protags get to the coffee shop, things are well done.

Nicely done in 1 week (or maybe a few days...who really knows).  Best so far for sure.