Ok first off, well done on completing the OWC and having a complete story. It is tough to come up with a boy meets girl story and tie everything in when you are working with only twelve pages.

With that said, I had a few problems with this one.

On page 1, you use the word desultorily. I didn't know the word. Why use a complicated word when a simpler one will achieve the same task?

The conversation with the bank teller was unrealistic. Then we find out he is the branch manager and it makes it even more unlikely. No way he would be calling his customers assholes. I can see that the dialogue is an attempt at comedy but it doesn't work IMO because it is not based in reality.

On page 3, Joel says they want to share a coffee to do their bit for the recession. How does that work? By spending money people are helping the economy, by sharing a coffee and not spending money it is theoretically making the recession worse, not better. Just under that line when you have dashes in Luke's dialogue you have them formatted as __ instead of --.

On page 4, Luke talks about his mum having a crush on 'lover boy'. I don't know any guys who would joke about their mums having a crush on their friend. This seemed totally unrealistic to me. Then Joel talks about not wanting to go near her 'birthing canal'. Man if any guy said that in front of any guy that I know, he would be asking to have his teeth knocked out.

On page 5, when Robyn enters the store she gives the boys a friendly nod. I just think it's unlikely that an attractive woman in a big city would be nodding at a couple of strange guys in a coffee shop. It would be more believable if she didn't even acknowledge them.

On page 8, you say it is evident there is a mutual attraction between Luke and Robyn? How is it evident? Show them flirting in some way so it is visually apparent that they are attracted to each other.

In the same scene I thought the song coming on again was too coincidental. However in rom-coms a lot of overly coincidental things happen so there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. However I would have liked to have seen some flirting between the two of them before she agreed to go out to dinner with him. She is an attractive young blonde. It is reasonable to assume she gets hit on all the time, so the way she accepts Luke's invitation so quickly was too easy.

On page 10, why are Joel and Trish coming from a party drunk during the day? This scene would be better set at night instead of the day.

Okay now one of the biggest problems I had with the story was Joel and Trish wanting to get married. This occurs just a few days after Joel saying he didn't want to go anywhere near her. What the hell happened in a few days to make him want to marry her? Keeping in mind that he is in his early 20s and she is 50. This was the most unrealistic part of the whole story for me. If he is only dating her then I could buy it, at a stretch. Married? No way.

I was also unsure why Luke was SO concerned about finding out about the song. I mean I know it is a plot device, but it felt a bit forced. It was just some song he heard in a bank. And the other thing was that he heard the song everywhere, which would indicate it has been released commercially and would be easy to find out who sang it. How is it possible that the song blares from a car, a kid has it on his CD player, but a record shop that has it as their 'song of the week' doesn't have a copy of it. They would at least have it on file as to who sings it, especially as it seems to be so popular at the moment. So in that respect it didn't work for me.

Okay so overall I thought it was a fair effort but there were too many unrealistic things for me to really get into it. This is just my own personal opinion though and it seems a lot of other people really enjoyed it, so well done. The actual writing I thought was of a high standard as well.

Cheers,
Tim.

This one took a couple reads for me to get it.  I'm not sure why that is, must be a bit tired.  

I thought it was alright.  Once you got into the story and your characters calmed down a bit then it was even better.  

The biggest issue I had with this was the beginning.  It started me off on a sour note where I didn't care about these people at all.  I would definitely tone the beginning down a bit or remove it completely because it really drags down what could be a really good story.

Secondly there were occasions where you went into unnecessary detail.  Like when you mentioned there was a white guy listening to music.  Must we know that he's white, was that really important to the story?  I know, that's very small but I did notice this thing more than once.

Lastly, I think you had way too many characters for a short this length.  I would try to lose at least one of them.   I vote that Joel gets evicted.

I did like the running gag with the song and I thought that was a clever way to include it.

You get
>

  

Would a bank manager speak that way to a customer? Actually, I’ll answer my own question – yep, depending on the setting and casting it could be funny, maybe cause of the 'shock value.' But the opening is a bit meandering imo. It's the first time he hears that piece of music, yes - but it feels to me as if the dialogue should be a bit more driven in terms of solid plot.

Bit of a long lead-in up to page 5 and not terribly much happening yet.
Page 8 now we’re getting somewhere. I liked that image of Luke hearing the music from the passing car and then with the other character at the bus-stop. That was nice. He’s hearing that song everywhere – the ‘meant to be’ 'following him everywhere' angle is really good. That was the best bit for me.

But the story stalled a bit for me then.

And, I didn’t really 'see' the ‘mutual attraction’ between Luke and Robyn just by the fact you said it is ‘evident’ in the description line. A gesture, something physical – maybe Robyn blushes, looks away – maybe Luke can’t stop staring – she calls him on it. You get what I mean.

All in all it’s well written ... as usual. The lyrics were nice. I like it, but it's not compelling enough for me and the romance needs to be ramped up.

Btw, (unlike some others) I love a word like “desultorily” thrown into a description line.  

Good effort. This had a nice cozy feel to it, but I agree with others that the opening scene seems strange. I don't think a bank manager would talk to a customer that way. In fact, I don't think the whole bank scene is neede at all - the only thing we learn is that Luke is unemployed (plus it introduces the song) and that could have been established in the diner scene.

A good back and forth in the diner, nice introduction of everyone.

Quoted from In Tune Ahead of him, a young white guy sits a bus stop. He has a small portable CD player.

A portable CD player? What is this? The 1980s?  

The scene with Luke and Robyn could probably have been expanded on a bit in order to sell the attraction between the two.

Nice tie up in the end with the characters, a happy feel good ending. I loved that you didn't reveal the artist after all because that would never work.

Good work
Rob

Stevie
This wasn’t bad, had its ups and downs. Parts worked while others didn’t quite hit the mark. The story itself was decent even if I feel you spent too long in the cafe at the beginning as the actual meeting of Robyn and Luke happens all too quickly for me. I know you have a page limit to consider so that’s maybe why it felt a little uneven when judging the comolete story.

I loved the overblown churlishness of the teller. Some could say he was way over done and downright unrealistic but in the spirit of the script as a whole he fitted perfectly and that to me is the most important thing. You gave him some great put downs;

TELLER
Don’t thank me, scumbag. Thank the
people in this world that work. Now
scuttle off to your video game
arcade. Spend your hard earned...

This was a difficult OWC, the genre completely had me at a loss but I liked your simple, traditional love story take on it. The friend going out with the mother was a strange but amusing subplot. I was surprised Luke didn’t take the head off Joel when he came in with her. Instead, we got barely suppressed, silent embarrassment from the protagonist although I realize the whole thing was lightly handled and no doubtably taken with a pinch of salt, not to be over analysed or examined too seriously.

JOEL
Not exactly. I’m just not keen on
going anywhere near a birthing
canal he slid down.  – Good line.

Overall, an ok effort, the comedy succeeded in most places, as I said, some great lines in here. I liked the concluding sequence of Joel and Trish’s arrival, in all its glorious weirdness and mishmash of odd reactions and exchanges from the characters concerned to the finishing punch line which provided an amusing ending. I’m usually not one for closing shot punch lines as in most cases the whole piece leading up to it can seem forced and purely orchestrated to serve the given line but here it was a funny intervention on Luke’s burning question whilst nicely tying up Eddie character quirk from earlier.

Good work, man.

Col.

Hey thnaks Col! My OWC has been languishing in the depths so cheers. also rob, i forgot to thank you too. Note - am loving smile empty soul at the moment!! I'm hooked.

Yeah, this was a tough challenge and it was great how everyone did their own tak eon it. this was the first idea I had for mine and I ran with it. Did bugger all revision just edited the page length, so it is a bit disjointed.
How many times do you hear a new song on the radio and you miss who it is!? That was the main story here.

Oh and I might as well reveal the Beatle references:
Joel's dialogue at the cafe when Luke comes from the bank - But Everyday A Total Loser Expects Shit spells BEATLES.
The horse names - Danish Oak is a play on Norwegian Wood   and Broad Ebay is an anagram of Abbey Road.

Cheers again guys.

Stevie, I actually voted your #4 overall.  Your opening was not good, but there were monets that were so funny to me that I had to rate this quite high.  I bet with a rewrite or 2, it could be golden.  I have a feeling teh opening put alot of people off and they probably had a bad taste in their mouths which didn't quite go away.

The friend dating the Mom was hilarious and handled so well.

Thanks for the kind words, Jeff. As always. much appreciated and thoughtful.

Yeah, the opening was maybe a little excessive. But I wanted to show just how down and out Luke was. No job, no prospects, bumming around idly. Sure, the bank manager was over abusive but no more than in some comedy flicks.

Joel and the mom just sort of came to me as writing. It added the potential for more funny lines, I guess. No, that's right, just remembered...she was mean to be quite well off from her earnings as a porn star?!!! Didn't go that road but her paying the rent showed how poor they were.

I might go over it again one day. But there's always new stuff on the boil.   Cheers buddy.

Liked this...Light, breezy and humorous; not laugh out loud, but entertaining enough, especially with the Trish and Joel Hook-up.

The bank teller set up was comical, but completely unrealistic. He might be on unemployment, not social security. Even then, the bank manager hassling him would just not happen. Maybe some other guy in line, though, especially in the current political climate in America where proper manners and treating others with respect is SO 2008...

How does one line up desultorily? Good word, but suggest simplifying. Random might be a better choice.

Liked the banter between Eddie, Luke and Joel...Eddie's a good catalyst, and adding his interest in the ponies worked well.

When Luke pops out the cable from young white guy's CD player, no song would play...they don't have speakers.

The idea of the ghost song that haunts him works I think, but the notion that this big, breaking hit is not accessible to anybody is also a bit of a reality stretch, especially in today's world of mega over exposure. (There was a song in the 90's that described a alternative band that was so alternative that they didn't even exist...Tried to find a link, but to no avail...Wait! Here it is!



Perhaps it was just a song someone posted on Youtube, then vanished without a trace...Maybe Eddie wrote it, and is using that to fund his gambling habit.

Characters were OK, but a little flat. Why is Luke unemployed? Is he in school? A graphic designer? (that'd explain it.) Eddie and Trisha had some personality, though.

Enjoyable read, though.

Hi BW (sorry, can't remember you're real name). Thanks for the read, happy u liked it.

To answer a couple of your points: I had this image of the people lining up in the bank - its another shit day, ho-hum, etc. Desultorily just popped into my head at the time.
The CD player is meant to be a boom box type of thing. I know it would be awkward carrying it around with earphones but i needed the song to be heard from another source as Luke walked around.
Yeah, I know it was a bit unrealistic that the song couldn't be found but it was the main theme for the story.
Luke and Joel are just unemplyed. I didin't give any real backstory cos it was only 12 pages!!
Cheers again and congrats on your script!

I must have missed reading this one, Stevie - apologies. I had intended to read all the OWC entries, but in the end just never got round to it!

I'll have a look at it later today and post some comments.

Hi Stevie, sorry this has taken so long.

Liked this - it has a theme which I can relate to (as you may know from reading my stuff). It was nicely written, quite amusing, and the song played a part in the plot.

I would probably have done it differently - made it harder for Luke to find Robyn, for example, have the song play when he sees her, that sort of thing, but then it's not my script!

I am not so keen on the closing scene in the diner, where Luke and Robyn's dialogue, and the idea of Joel and Luke's mother getting together (though I took this to be a joke) didn't really feel as if it fitted into the piece.

Up to that however, it was fine.

I did think that, in this day and age of iTunes that it would be easy to find out the song's singer (especially for Robyn, who works in a record shop!), but at least you avoided the obvious twist - that she'd turn out to be the singer!

By the way, you describe Joel as having a mop of of black hair - so he's a Mop Top then?!

Hi Simon, sorry i just realised i hadn't answered your review. Thanks again for the read.
You make a couple of good points. I never thought of Robyn being a singer, that would've been interesting.
the diner scene at the end was critical to lead up to the payoff - once i'd established Eddie and the radio, it meant it wa set up for the song to come on at the end.

Yeah, the sub plot with Joel and Trish didn't fit in, I guess i just whacked it in for comic relief!
Thanks again, glad u liked it.  Oh, and with Joel's hair? If I have two male characters in my scripts, I try and give them different hairstyles to make them more unique. So luke had a crewcut from memory and joel longish hair. A mop to me is sort of short but thick. I think...  

Cheers stevie

I assumed it was a sly Beatles joke, as we used to call their hairstyles Mop Tops here!

After reading this I got an idea about a man and a woman sitting in a diner, listening to the radio - I wrote it up yesterday, and submitted it last night, so with a bit of luck it'll pop up on the boards soon.