This script had some funny lines. This was 'Hey, what the hell happened to all my flowers?" was one of the funniest things I have read in about a year. No joke. Nearly pissed myself.

I think this script worked well. Guy gets girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl. And then guy dies at the end. Okay that last bit isn't normal, but it was sad.

I like the fact you haven't made the last scene all bloody and disgusting, because that's not the meaning of the piece.

The song works well, and is in there for a good reason.

Overall this was a good script, and works well. Good stuff.

This one fit the challenge well, much more of a drama than comedy, but at least a little bit of comedy was put in.  the middle part seemed a bit rushed, could have used a bit more of harry and emily.  liked the ending though, probably the only way this could have ended.  Good effort.

This had some good stuff. Definitely edgier than the rest. But I think it could've been way better. For starters, Emily doesn't put up near the amount of resistance she should. That's not to say she's a pushover. Harry does have to work a little bit but he should have to work a lot. I honestly don't think she would've agreed to meet him the second time at all so the goal of the whole script should've been to get her to the club. That said, I think the whole story would've worked way better if Harry knew he was going to die (which he should) and used the time he had to pay his last respects to Emily, not to get her back. Way more dramatic and even more romantic that way. He'd also come off more heroic in the end if he weren't trying to appease the guy. He should've just got in the car and told him straight up he didn't have the money. Finally, for nitpicks' sake, Emily sure as hell ain't gonna kiss Harry when he's covered in smelly toilet water.

Good effort. Could've been better.

A public bathroom is bad enough, but to add a dirty toilet with "all the trimmings"....Yikes! This was alright, but seems like it came out of a can labeled "Gangster Plot."  It's fine to revisit familiar themes (Gangster threatening to collect a debt) but it has to rise above the stereotypes and show it from a different or unique perspective. Maybe Emily (who wouldn't have wanted to kiss him had she known where his face had been) had no idea he had a gambling problem. Maybe he was a pastor at a local church, leading a double life. Maybe she was the head of the PTA and a respected leader in the community, who would rather die than have her lowlife husband destroy her reputation. But, no.  I'd imagine this is one of the regulars who, Friday at 6 pm decided they would try to whip something up to beat the deadline.

A few typos in this one, nothing major since it was written in a week.

The song was implimented pretty well here. I didn't get a comedy vibe out of this at all... Maybe you were trying to get a laugh by having Harry still Alex's mom's flowers, but it kinda just made him look like a jerk..

There was definitely drama, and a little romance

Then... Boom. The guys a goner.

Not one of my favs so far... Needs some work.

James

Hey Jordan,

I think you did well for a OWC.

You definately had the comedy, the romance, and you wrote the lyrics all within the one week.

Like the others, I have to say that I didn't like the ending.

If you want to keep the gangsters in there, here's a suggestion:  maybe the guy's girlfriend saw him buy a lottery ticket and that's why she left him, and then the gangsters came after him at the end wanting their money, and a TV in a window started calling out his winning numbers. ???

Or something like that....

Some way that way he wouldn't have to die at the end, and you could still keep the gangsters in there.

I enjoyed the read though.

Cindy

Thanks for the reads everyone, I know most hated the ending....but I wanted that ending....lol, guess i'm a bit off the mark, but oh well, the ending is the one thing i would never change.  thanks again everyone, lots of good scripts for this challenge, i think everybody did a great job on such a touch challenge.