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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Cliff Notes - * Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Cliff Notes - *  (currently 4927 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed, James.  Lotta tipsy here too.
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big lew
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Rewriting Sucks!

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I was rooting for this story at the get-go because the writing was clever, the dialog was fresh and did a lot to define the character. But then, the story hit the brakes and I was confused.

The card - was it a credit card, birthday card, what was it? The shift from Tate to Cliff to Robin, and the lyrics at the end -- why did she love him for that?

Biggest concern- what about the premise of the Challenge:  a film director has a piece of music and he/she needs lyrics and a script to create a story around it...where is that in this story?

That said, I think the writer is skilled technically and has a fine ear for dialog.  Write on....

Big Lew

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mcornetto
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from big lew

Biggest concern- what about the premise of the Challenge:  a film director has a piece of music and he/she needs lyrics and a script to create a story around it...where is that in this story?


Welcome Big Lew!  Always nice to see a new face around here.

I vote on this quote for quote of the day.  Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?  

EDIT: I've notified Lew about the misunderstanding.  

Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto  -  September 2nd, 2009, 1:58am
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one but it was a bit confusing, the most confusing was who the main character was, i'm guessing it was Cliff but for the first half it seemed like tate.  Who ever wrote this must be a Seinfeld fan with the "cry, cry again" reference.  This fit the challenge and good use of the song.  I just wish it was more clear who the main character was.  Good work though.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 2:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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OK, I went back and did a skim through a third time

(a little obsessive compulsive, I know)

What I notice is that yes, as readers have said:

You've not directed specifically your main character throughout.

What's happened is:

You've begun with Tate

And--

Ended with Cliff

and

"The Choir".

So no biggie! This is just us writing our
brains out for a week and this is what happens.

We get major solid good ultimate and cool
material and we suck the big banana after all.

This is a solid script! All of us who complain should
shut our faces!

Sandra  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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slap shot
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Lots of problems going on here, from the very first sentence, with 2 passive verbs..


..."CHURNING and BURNING"...how abecedarian of me...oh wait a minute, that's from the "moon" screenplay...sorry brooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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WTF is this post supposed to mean?  And, no, I'm not questioning your big word "abecedarian".
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jwent6688
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slap shot


..."CHURNING and BURNING"...how abecedarian of me...oh wait a minute, that's from the "moon" screenplay...sorry brooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....



God, i must be retarded, because i have not idea what you are talking about... At least quote "Dreamscale" if you're going to call him out. I didn't like your script. i know it;s the OWC, people don't have enough time, not enough pages... But you're putting yourself out there. Some criticism is constructive, some is not.

I actually pay more attention to my negative reviews than my prose. i try to retort them to think in my manner... if i cannot, i've lost them. Maybe my script isn't so good if I have to explain?

Anyways, If that was the only thing you can say to all those who've taken the time to read yours.... I know you haven't read mine. i'll be ignoring anything from you in the future.

James



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slap shot
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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i read them all...some didn't merit any comment...
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jwent6688
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slap shot
i read them all...some didn't merit any comment...


Touche.. Touche...


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Why is that?  Why do you think some didn't merit any feedback?  I'm confused here, SlapHappy.  Help me out...
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slap shot
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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i believe the term is "subtext"...look it up...
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Trojan
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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I don't know why people post scripts on here if they are going to get so upset everytime they receive some criticism. Isn't the point of getting feedback on your scripts so you can see where things are not working and where you can improve?

For this particular script there were a lot of people who didn't get it and were confused by it. The comments given by everyone are meant to help, nobody is trying to cut you down. So for you to lash out at Dreamscale or anyone else is unwarranted, and is a sure way to make sure you don't receive any feedback in the future. Just keep in mind that people are giving up their time when they comment on your work.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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David, you're quite the wordsmith, aren't you.  First you throw out "abecedarian", and now you grace us with "subtext".  Wow, I for one am really impressed with you.  You should be impressed with yourself as well.  But that's obvious, already, isn't it?

Dude, let's go back to your original little post directed at me (without using my name).  Can you use some even bigger words and explain what that post was all about, or supposed to mean?  Or do you have trouble writing in a way that people have a fucking clue what you're talking about?

Man up and say exactly what you mean.
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rendevous
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Away

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Liked this one. Well written and had a lot of style.

People seemed confused about the card. Not sure why


Quoted from Tate from Cliff Notes
Yeah. Last night. Did any one leave a card? In an envelope. Made of paper. Capiche?



Quoted from Cliff Notes
Angela takes a business card out and taps it into Tate’s
shirt pocket.


Seemed clear enough to me.

Could do with a few (O.S)s here and there. Putting VOICE after a character's name isn't quite right, although I did know what you meant.

Also managed to get the song and melody in. You did well there as I had no idea how you were going to do it.

But overall enjoyable. And that's all that matters.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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