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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Divorce Colorado Style - * Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Divorce Colorado Style - *  (currently 4963 views)
jwent6688
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Nice little piece... i wonder what their divorce lawyers would have thought of this arrangement.

I do argue though, i did like the lyrics and they did mention the theme, but i would love to see them all fit on a 56 second piece of music. They would have had to have been song like machine gun fire.

This was very close to getting all of the criteria. I got the romance, and it was a little drama heavy. But the comedy eluded me for the most part.

All in all good work, even though i've read better scripts for the OWC so far, they didn't make as much effort to encompass what was asked as much though...

Which is what, IMO, the challenge was about...

nice work regardless....     James


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Cam17
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Man, this was bizarre.  A skiiing competition for the custody of the kids and the house?  Original, though.  Can't say I've read a story quite like that.  Didn't have too much dramatic tension or comedy, IMO.  Aside from Uncle Phil, none of the characters seemed very real to me.  But, the situation itself is so far removed from reality, that everything has to be taken with a grain of salt.

What impressed me most was your song.  I can tell you put some real effort into it.  The lyrics were good and it just worked.  

A decent effort for an OWC.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 7:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Absolutely superb premise, very original and inventive.

Didn't think the story quite did the premise justice. I think it's very hard to write something in such a short time and I think you should revisit this script and improve it later. It's definitely got the legs.

At the moment it's a little light in comedy and too expositional, you've done a great job using the lyrics so much for the challenge, but the song thing gets in the way of the actual story for me.

It would also be better if you made the actual skiing more exciting.

Good effort though. Great idea.
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LC
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, nice piece. Original take on the challenge given. As has been said your action lines (visuals) needed a beef-up so that we can actually get the images of where we are. Loveland Emergency Centre - that slug made me smile. Lyrics were pretty good. Overall, quietly enjoyable but needs a finesse.


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martin_b
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Totally original, and with two sets of lyrics. Wow. I admire the inventiveness, even though I think it didn't quite come off. Who are Brian Coxon and Maggie that they first compete for? Did you change the kids' names? The children's reactions are unrealistic. They should be far more fearful (I know, I've been there). I'd like to know more about Irene and Mason's relationship. Are they bitter? Sad? Angry? And more detail on how their feelings are affected as they win or lose the races to the flags. Maybe a teeny bit of flirting on the slopes to indicate there is still hope for the marriage -- we need some romance. I'm not sure how the fresh lyrics resolve their differences. Maybe she felt the marriage was cramping him and he needed his freedom to write, but now she realizes she isn't a drag on his creativity? Still, full marks for even attempting something so unusual.
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Trojan
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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For me to really get into a story I have to be able to buy the premise. And the premise in this story seemed so unbeievable to me that it kind of lost me from the start. I mean it is an original idea and well done for thinking outside the box but it is just completely unrealistic. It seemed others liked it though so maybe it's just me.

I thought the descriptions and the dialogue were pretty clunky at times, could definitely be made tighter. A lot of the dialogue seemed on the nose and felt forced.

I'm not too sure about the ending either. They go from wanting a divorce to deciding to stay together far too easily. I think it's a problem due to only having twelve pages to work with and trying to have a complete story with a happy ending, so I think if you had more space to work with you would have drawn it out more.

Also thought it was strange that the two nurses just appeared out of nowhere.

Overall a decent effort but it didn't really hit the mark for me.

Cheers,
Tim.
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khamanna
Posted: September 7th, 2009, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who read and left notes.

Sandra, yeah, that bit you addressed is way too sudden - I already fixed that in the rewrite (or something that I call pre-rewrite).

LC - I'll change the slug, somehow haven't notice, now it makes me smile too.

To those who complained about dialogue/lack of romance/tension - will definitely think about it and hopefully do my best.

Anyway, just want to let know that I value (and for the most part agree) all the comments being sent my way... and thankful!
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2009, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey khamanna, I kinda liked this script. Straightforward and simple. It had me laughing a bit at the beginning when I realize what they are really doing. A nice little story.

Something you can improve on:

- You can make the skiing contest more exciting, i.e. show us more skiing action instead of just having them skied down.
- Don't have Irene having that fake broken hip, it feels a bit over the top. I'd rather have her really breaking her hip.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2009, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
Hey khamanna, I kinda liked this script. Straightforward and simple. It had me laughing a bit at the beginning when I realize what they are really doing. A nice little story.

Something you can improve on:

- You can make the skiing contest more exciting, i.e. show us more skiing action instead of just having them skied down.
- Don't have Irene having that fake broken hip, it feels a bit over the top. I'd rather have her really breaking her hip.



Thanks for the read. I edited but started thinking about the big rewrite. All good points - thanks.
Oh, my first version didn't have the broken hip and then I decided to add that for the last line "who bailed out" "mom...dad...mom...both". I wanted her to bail out as well. But yeah, when I finished writing I thought the same - a bit over the top.
I'm glad it made you laugh. Most of the reviewers didn't think it's funny.
And I thought it wrote a comedy
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Astrid
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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I thought the situation was funny, but not the story itself. If that makes sense? But it is very creative.

The songs fit and I appreciated that they weren't too syrupy. I like that they talked about everyday life.

I can't imagine someone, if they're in a hurry, not taking their skis off tho!

Someone else suggest that you make the kids older. I agree. If you did it might make for funnier lines and if those line were about their parents, let us get to know them a little better. They're interesting characters... i wanted to know more about em. But I know, 12 pages!

Sorry i didn't get to this eariler.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from khamanna



Thanks for the read. I edited but started thinking about the big rewrite. All good points - thanks.
Oh, my first version didn't have the broken hip and then I decided to add that for the last line "who bailed out" "mom...dad...mom...both". I wanted her to bail out as well. But yeah, when I finished writing I thought the same - a bit over the top.
I'm glad it made you laugh. Most of the reviewers didn't think it's funny.
And I thought it wrote a comedy


Don't worry about over the top. Over the top is good. It only matters in how YOU feel about it and your connections to the piece as a whole.

I think we always need to define a  purpose-- if not at first, then eventually. What the hell are we doing? Trying to make people laugh? Connect on some level? Connect with THEM on some level? Study something that we, ourselves would like to know more about? ...

When we write, I think it always starts with a question. And it's our job, to answer the Qual:

We are given all the tools to use and amuse. That's all that really matters. The hope is that we will be filled with joy and not despair; yet, and with regret and sadness, one cannot exist without the other.

I thought this was a very creative premise. Two people fighting over who gets what, but it's not the way we think.

What I liked about this one is that it wasn't burdened by a heavy tone of seriousness.

It just teetered towards that side of understanding between these two partners that were experiencing turmoil in their relationship.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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khamanna
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


What I liked about this one is that it wasn't burdened by a heavy tone of seriousness.

It just teetered towards that side of understanding between these two partners that were experiencing turmoil in their relationship.

Sandra


Thanks, Sandra for this. That's what I aimed for.

And I see your point about the question and the aim when we write. I guess I live it too - revised and haven't changed a thing, I mean no major changes were done to the script.

The best way to see (really see) things in different light is to wait (for me nearly a month) and then read it again. I agree with so many reviewers but yet not ready...
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khamanna
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Astrid
I thought the situation was funny, but not the story itself. If that makes sense? But it is very creative.

The songs fit and I appreciated that they weren't too syrupy. I like that they talked about everyday life.

I can't imagine someone, if they're in a hurry, not taking their skis off tho!

Someone else suggest that you make the kids older. I agree. If you did it might make for funnier lines and if those line were about their parents, let us get to know them a little better. They're interesting characters... i wanted to know more about em. But I know, 12 pages!

Sorry i didn't get to this eariler.


Thanks, it's nice to see that people still reading. That means OWC is not over yet - Yey! I'll be waiting for another one.
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khamanna
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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The revised version is already up! Thanks, Don.
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