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Wow, very emotional little piece. i really felt for Suzie and Paul. It's a sad story that i'm sure some people have had to live through. When an illness ruins your lifelong plans.
Good formatting, i didn't really see any mistakes. So, that was nice.
I did like the lyrics too, They fit the theme very well IMO.
Can't take a guess at who this is, I have no idea.
Only problem is it was mostly a drama. There wasn't any comedy in it and the romance was there, but not the kind i would expect from a romantic dramedy in sorts.
That was definitely a very different spin on the theme. Well done too. The start had the feel of a comedy but once we got to the hospital we knew what the score was. Maybe have Paul in a wheel chair to make it more sadder? I had this weird picture of him getting married in a hospital gown...
Interesting take on the "romantic dramedy" theme that I think worked quite well. The dialogue was very well written, none of it forced, and the lyrics were great. The shift from leaving the hospital to the graveyard was a nice touch and really emphasized how quickly things change.
Beautifully written and one small thing I noticed... on page 1: When she realises the time, she jerks upright. SUSIE (at the time) Holy...
This just seemed a bit redundant. Other than that, nothing to dislike. Well done.
This is the best one I've read so far. The comedy comes so easily just given the situation. It barely tries and still nails it just given the fact that real people would react at least similarly to this. It also gives the pacing a good boost. The segway into the dramatic plot is relatively graceful, especially considering how depressing cancer at a wedding is. The transition doesn't feel forced or unnatural in anyway. I was a bit disconcerted that the drama continues to dominate the script after Helen's jaunt to the chapel but a good script is a good script and this one never seemed to lose its way. Even the song felt on point. Not too many gripes with this one, none of any consequence anyway. Solid effort. Great result.
Light on the comedy and I actually think that addressing that issue would raise the script to another level.
If you make the moments with Paul and Helen genuinely funny, the loss will hit even harder. You can even make fun of his disease like having her calling him baldie or something. It's hard for people to deal with illness and I have often heard sufferers say that they prefer it when people make jokes about it rather than pretending it's not there.
You'd give the script even more of an edge and show how every moment is to be lived to its fullest, no matter what.
Cons – Two dialogue distractions: Big block of text for Hellcat’s soliloquy. Also, Paul’s big talk with Helen was full of ellipses.
Comedy – In the beginning with everyone being late was cute. After that, not a pronounced presence.
Romance – Tragic. Yup. Drama. Yup. Romance. Not sure. Were Helen and Paul were romantically bound to each other? The words were there but I didn’t feel it. But I’ll go with it.
Lyrics – Well done as the song at Paul’s funeral.
Writer – Good idea. A few irons in the fire to think about.
What Happened When Sandra E. read Some Things Never Die
There's a serious exhaustion I feel, being up late-- the moon godess thing always takes its toll; but I persist in the work and find myself filled by numerous scripts, each with their own unique flavor. I'm lost in it all.
The day feels pale, whatever that means and I open:
Some Things Never Die
My first note:
Page 7
Excellent transition! I could just feel it before it even happened and I DID feel it HAPPEN. Very real!
Working the effect of a time transition like this-- it's extremely well done.
And then I got to
The Lyrics
Please don’t just slip away Keep living up ‘til your last day. Who says you gotta let the darkness win? Rage, rage against the dying light! Life’s worth defending - where’s your fight? Don’t you dare just let the darkness in.
And it sounds weird, but I can feel them in a way is unimaginably real. And I think, "How can something unimaginable be real?" It can't.
You have worked some magic here. And it's beautiful.
I started to cry. It takes a special writer to make a person cry.
You did a lovely job with the denouement.
This isn't a comedy as in ha-ha funny, but it feels like the writer really cared about their work. They had the passion that Broadway Betty spoke of in Broadway Betty.
Wow, what a tear jerker! Nicely done, but I just don't think it quite fits into what I call a romantic comedy. It is funny at times, but it's just too sad to be taken any other way.
One thing I noticed that didn't work well was your transitions. First of all, I don't think they were neccessary and secondly, they took up alot of room, and almost worked as a distraction, IMO.
The lyrics were good, but I wish the song itself ws more pivotal in the story.
Title was great and you did a fantastic job of bringing it up several times, so that it became the theme of this piece.
Really solid effort here, but for my money, just too sad to be taken as a comedy in any way.
I admit it. You got a tear out me. Despite the early set up of pre-wedding lateness(which I think has been done a hundred times) to the hospital segue (which was a good twist) to the desperation wedding and the shared sentiments therein, to the somewhat predictable outcome. I think it hit a chord because it seemed very real. It was very real to these Helen and Paulie, therefore, it seemed true and unfortunatly, too relatable to those of us who have lost some one near and dear. Very heavy on the drama, and too light on the comedy to balance out. Still, very well done, and I think the challenge to this kind of story is to pull the humor out despite the tragedy, something in Paulie's defining character that withstands the test of time, even into the afterlife. Perhaps he was a massive 'footy' fan, and she shows up at his grave to celebrate with a victory with thier friends-that sort of thing, or that he has the logo for Manchester United (No preference here, it's just the only soccer team I'm even remotely aware of) etched in his tombstone.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
The first third doesn't match with the rest of the script.
I did like the overall idea, but I thought the dialogue at the end went on a bit too long, and could be cut down. Or at least broken up with some action lines... it's hard to read.
Well written, action was good, most of the dialogue was good too.
Umm, don't know what else to say about this baby, except well done. It worked well for the most part.
I think maybe a little more emotion should have been shown in the last scene. It has obviously been only a few months since Paul passed away and I think Helen should have been more affected, considering she is pregnant and certainly more emotional due to her hormonal changes. ( THERE WAS NOT A MENTION OF CRYING OR EVEN A TEAR IN HER EYES)
Overall, a quick, easy and pleasurable read.
Not too much in the sense of comedy, but still, a good OWC effort. Thank you for the read.
I am afraid I have to agree with Astrid here. The idea is not new, it is indeed a cliche you find in a soap opera - even the talking to the headstone is something you see in countless TV dramas and Films. There is certainly an emotional impact to be obtained from this set up - I just didn't feel anything from this script. It lacked punch.
The song was, again, fitted into the story rather than serving as part of it. Maybe if it had been mentioned that Paul had written it for the wedding and Helen was remembering it?
The dialogue was chunky, and didn't feel realistic - and Helen's set piece monologue at the end fell flat for me - I know that we were supposed to feel something from Helen opening her heart to her departed husband, but again it just felt like empty words to me.
It did have a fairly good structure - a beginning, middle and end, and used the time jumps well, but I am afraid that was about all I could see to recommend it.
Good job on this one jon, very well written, might lag in comedy but i did think this fit the challenge, good use of the song and a good story to go with it. From the title i kinda knew how this was going to end, but still i thought it worked well. One of the best for me.
After a week without internet access I can finally get around to responding to these comments and tackling my 'to read' list. Thanks to all who took the time to read and pass judgement on this one, whether you were complimentary or critical; I promise to return the reads in the near future.
I agree with those who said that the comedy is light, probably too light, and it's definitely uneven in that the shift in tone is pretty abrupt (although I'm not sure I fully agree with Tommy, who said that the first third 'doesn't match'). Dec, you're right; continuing a layer of light-heartedness probably would benefit the script as a whole. The monologue at the end...pity a couple had trouble with it. I'm trying to work on being able to write good monologues (there are a few in the feature I'm toiling away at). A good monologue can be tremendously good onscreen - I look to Aaron Sorkin as a particularly good crafter of monologues - and it's an art I'm eager to master. Clearly I have more learning to do! Thanks for the comments on the writing, too; I'm developing a writing style I'm fairly happy with, which leaves me free to concentrate on all the other areas I need to vastly improve on!
Just want to quickly take a moment to respond to the two overtly negative reviews from Astrid and Niles. Firstly, Astrid's dismissal of the lyrics. I don't really see how they DON'T fit with the funeral scene. Rather than just lie down and wait to die, Paul chose to keep fighting, to continue living, even to the point of refusing to cancel his wedding. His life was under attack and he fought it because he felt he should; isn't that what the lyrics say?
And Niles - ouch. To paraphrase the words under your avatar, I guess I really failed, huh? Clunky, unrealistic dialogue, an emotionless story that was both cliched and failed to fulfil its emotional potential...I don't really see anything to contest there, because clearly this just didn't work for you. Your comments on the dialogue are so odds with others' that I'm not sure what to make of it. Thanks for the compliments on structure, that was nice to hear. But other than that...sorry for wasting your time!
I think I will give this another look and a slight rewrite at some point, then re-upload. Thanks again to all who read, and congrats to all who took part in the OWC!
While scanning the OWC it stuck out to me that your script was criminally short of reviews considering your active participation, so here I am.
Definitely feel the opening of 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' is an inspiration here?! That movie is even better with the extra years, and its opening is among my favourite for comedies. True upper Britain tomfoolery. Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck
The content is something tailor made for a feature/Scrubs episode, I think. The problem with identifying with Paul's plight is that we do not know him. I felt you used two nice techniques to try and nip that issue in the bud:
- The soft tones employed by Susie when waking Helen, which gave a sense of tension to me.
- The visual direction with the tie tightening. Very nice way of challenging us to consider this happiest of days through the solitude of getting dressed for your wedding as a cancer sufferer.
This story also evokes one of my faves, 'My Life'. A superb film that lost its traction, I think, by being released so close to 'Philadelphia'. Having written this, and if you haven't seen it, I would be 99.9% sure you would like it.
Because this pain and suffering is presented to us with no knowledge of what what had gone before, it falls a little flat. It felt like you recognised this, and then gave us an intimate view of Helen and Paul in the foyer where basically the meat of the story happens in less than a page.
Off topic slightly, but I've been known to spend a lot of time with people in their 40s and 50s, and their wisdom always helps give a poignancy that seems bereft in my age group. It's their experience of how quickly life unfolds, of how it will pass you by, if you are not careful. This story made me think of a time when my dad's good friend's partner told me of a woman she knew who was mid-30s, and had been diagnosed terminally ill. She referenced how this woman had put her affairs in order, and then wrote her own eulogy-of-sorts of those in her life. Apparently, it was incredibly touching. It's that sort of emotion that I feel this script is built for.
Good work, and I just feel that your basis is incredibly powerful, but the content falls a little short in truly touching me, despite some lovely touches.
Andrew
EDIT: Oh, and I agree that more comedy would help layer the story more effectively. It's what always makes 'Scrubs' standout, for me - and this feels like a 'Scrubs'-type story, as stated above. It's that power of laughing one minute, and an eye filling up with tears within seconds. That extreme response is what would elevate this one as Dec stated.