I thought this was a good story, and it was clear the writer knows what they were doing. I felt it was a bit overwritten in places, but wasn't too bad overall.

You did a good job with the characters, I picked up straight away that David and Kaylee were brother and sister so well done on that. Betty's character was very well developed. I didn't care for David too much, one of the things that bothered me about him was his use of 'like' in every second sentence. He came across as one of those annoying kids from the Valley and it really grated on me after awhile.

Few typos, nothing major. On page 3, where Betty says "Depends whose asking me" it should be 'who's'.

When David first entered the nursing home, I wondered why it was a saleswoman who showed him to Betty. Wouldn't it be a nurse or receptionist?

My main concern with this story was there was no hint of romance whatsoever. I thought something might develop between David and Hannah but that got quashed before it had a chance to get started. I think you could have played with that a bit more to create some chemistry between the two of them. It was a bit light on comedy, more of a drama I would say. Overall it was one of the better entires, but seeing as there was no romance I don't know if it really met the requirements of the challenge fully. Good effort though.

Cheers,
Tim.

Early on, I joked that someone would figure out a way to work zombies into the challenge. I was kidding. However, I liked how it got squeezed into the story. Liked the Metallica reference. Did Kaylee work at the Coffee Shop? Maybe she would have had a name tag instead of generic buttons. Descriptions are a bit over the top. Remember the value of white space, keeping it short and concise. Less is more.

Hannah is 28? Seems like that would be better for a teen or younger girl-or maybe I'm just brainwashed by Hannah Montana.

What's up with the all the cats? If they aren't essential to the story or character, I'd lose them.

I'm glad Betty didn't get killed off. I liked her. Pretty light on the comedy, if at all. Not picking up any sparks from David to Hannah, either. So where is the romance? Maybe after the reveal you'll let us know. But, as a drama, not bad.

This was pretty good... Very well written, I'm guessing it's a certain Moderator... Maybe. i dunno..

The lyrcis were great... Love to see Zombie the Musical... I'll buy a ticket to that.

This was mostly a drama IMO... Lacked romance and comedy, although the whole idea of it is a little funny... I did laugh when he started singing the lyrcis...

Descriptions were great, maybe a little overwritten as others have said...

I checked out the link at the end... Confused, I thought we were suppose to use "THIS" piece of music..

Good entry... James

Hmm. There was a really nice idea here. But - and obviously this isn't your fault as it is the rules of the OWC to limit it to this size - it really needs to have more room to breathe - all the way up to feature length maybe. It all happens far too quickly. One minute he needs someone to help write a song, next minute he's written it. And all after one meeting with Betty, which lasts a few minutes at best. That's what I call inspiration.

When Betty is talking to Hannah as they are about to leave, I wondered what she was on about - she talks as if Hannah has been really involved, but all she did was make some ice tea and sit down!

I found some of the character descriptions far too literary - all this "hair that falls like satin" business! I also liked the idea of giving directions to Cat actors - I'd love to see that work in practice. Maybe Lapdogs would be better?

I was a bit mystified at David being shown into the old people's home by a "Saleswoman"?

If developed, I would assume that David and Hannah would get together. As this was not actually fulfilled within the script, however, it could not really be described as a romance. There was a dramatic incident - the stroke - and I suppose that the cats provided some comedic touches, but none were great.

I could feel for David as a character - he seemed very lacklustre - a bit of a wimp really. And the lyrics are probably best left too one side. It was nice that the song element played a part in the actual story - I felt this was the point of this OWC and didn't like some of the scripts where it seemed more or less tacked on. In fact this script probably comes closest to the original premise as outlined, so congrats are due there.

As I say, opening up would solve a lot of these problems.

I guess I'm on a winning streak as far as reading goes!

I loved this one!!

Not only was it written expertly, but the story had very good drama and very good romance as well.

Also who could not LOVE a story mentioning the Gators, Jimmy Buffett, Shelton and some weirdo named Cook in it??

Honestly, this was great. The characters were well developed. All very distinct. Betty was great as was Hannah and the guy. They were all different and spoke through their own voice.


The story was great as well and the lyrics were fine.

I'm serious...this one ranks in the top 3 of the ones I've read.

Excellent job dude/dudette

This was a fantastic script.

It all meshed together so well. It was funny and sad.

Love the small bits of SS in this, "Consider Shelton and Cook."

"Wine in a box crap"? That's the only wine I drink!

I think the song was the weakest part of the script. I'm not saying it's bad, just could be better. The dialogue was gold, and the action scenes were easy to visualise.

Good stuff with this.

Great job of painting a picture.  Terse action lines.  How do you not love Betty.  Her companionship with David had a romance all its own.  And a zombie musical is pretty damn unique.  Dialog was rich and the comedy was not broad.  Beautiful, sad, dramatic -- and if David and Hannah don't wind up together, it would confound me.  Well done.

This was fun. I admit that I got carried away in the descriptions, such as the lizard and Betty’s Apartment.

Quoted from stevie I would've had Betty die.

Originally, Betty did pass away and the final song was preformed at her funeral, but figured a toungue in cheek song about zombies would be somewhat in appropriate. Besides, I wanted to turn it to a more up ending (stretching the definition of Comedy as being where nobody dies)

Quoted from Cam17 The romance wasn't quite all there, but there was just enough of it.

The idea of Romance, I tried to express as Betty’s love for music, reflected in her lifelong dedication and joy in musical expression. That’s why I cold-watered Hannah and David to zero in on that...I don’t think it worked. Hannah’s putting her hand on David’s shoulder at the hospital is a clue that things might happen between them after all, but perhaps she might have been slightly bolder.

Quoted from wannabe ...tone down some of your descriptions.  A few of them were just too detailed and some of those details I don't think added anything to your story.  Like why do we need to know there were buttons on the apron or that someone was wearing loose, cotton shorts.  It just seemed like overkill and shy waste the words?

The buttons on the apron will be re-written as a name tag...Originally, they were advertising 1/2 off biscotti’s, which demontrated that she works at the coffee shop.
Otherwise, yes, I did go overboard on the descriptions. White space is valuable real estate.

Quoted from grademan I wasn’t clear on Kaylee and David being siblings until pg 6; Hannah came off as nasty when she asked Chris “who the hell are you?” Seemed out of character for her. Though, it was the only tension in this one.

Anticipated some confusion about Kaylee’s relationship to David. I don’t think I’ve ever said “Ok, Sis...” or anything like that to my sister...ever. The painting the room comment  is something she would have said to me, or maybe something like “That’s why Mom likes you best...”

Correct about Hannah saying “who the hell are you?”...Bit out of character.

Quoted from khamanna Did you write your own tune too for this? I kind of had hard time understanding because your MP3 melody sounds kind of different.

My wife is a professional musician (flautist) so she helped with the music. We used the supplied backing track and built a melody on top of it, much like in the Lovecraft song. Originally, we were going to try have some college students sing it and upload it, but we couldn’t pull it off. They are, however, very interested in putting together a zombie musical, so we may start working on that...

Quoted from slap shot the two biggest issues i had with this is: one, the buffett song...using a song that you don't own the rights to (and i'm assuming you don't) will get an automatic rejection from any studio/producer....

Don’t know the legalities of using Margaritaville being sung by the seniors, as opposed to using a recording  of Jimmy himself. Perhaps I’ll post this question in the other forum. Good question.

Quoted from martin_b And that "soft as a grape" comment I didn't get at all.

When I was a teenager, I delivered papers. One night, one of the guys I worked with was killed crossing a busy street. The next day, our boss, a big, strong guy kept brushing off tears saying “look at me...Soft as a grape.” A  nod to Mike Rousseau. RIP, dude.

Quoted from Trojan I didn't care for David too much, one of the things that bothered me about him was his use of 'like' in every second sentence. He came across as one of those annoying kids from the Valley and it really grated on me after awhile. When David first entered the nursing home, I wondered why it was a saleswoman who showed him to Betty. Wouldn't it be a nurse or receptionist?

The saleswoman. Yep. These retirement communitys are big business. They include top of the line amenitys that cost alot of money. The seniors still get as much independence as they can handle, but they do have a doc and nurse on premises. It’s not a nursing home, although alot of places do have a nursing home type section.

Using too many Likes  and uh’s, vocal static...Agree. Overdone, distracting and a late addition that I should have left alone.

Quoted from Niles_Crane I also liked the idea of giving directions to Cat actors - I'd love to see that work in practice. Maybe Lapdogs would be better?

I originally had a lap dog. My wife made me change them to cats to symbolize a zombie attack. I don’t think it worked.

Quoted from jwent6688 The lyrcis were great... Love to see Zombie the Musical... I'll buy a ticket to that.

Heh-heh. We’ll see how that goes.

Quoted from Tommyp "Wine in a box crap"? That's the only wine I drink!

That’s cool, just every now and then, you got to break out the good stuff.

Big thanks to all for taking the time.

T.Joe Fraser