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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Autumn Walk - * Moderators: Administrator
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Don
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Autumn Walk by Martin Back (martin_b) (Your Favoriate)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A woman convalescing after a serious illness visits the park every day. There she make friends with a mother and her child, but will she catch the attention of the attractive man she sees passing through each day? - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:52pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know if it's a Mac problem, but this script comes up blank to me.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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The script downloads fine for me.  It could be the version of PDF reader you have on your machine.
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stevie
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was a tough read. I see what the writer is attempting but it doesn't come off. Too much repitious descriptions. I didn't realise the days were changing till Day 5 when I happened to notice the slug. That wasn't unattentiveness on my behalf more like ho-hum action.
There was no comedy at all but the drama and music angle were ok. Make it more vibrant in a re-write and it wil heaps better.



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elis
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind this short.

A bit like ground hog day in some ways.
Shame it didn't have much action apart from the repetitive walks of the day for Marshall and the soccer play.
The romance never really got the chance to develop and I would have like to have seen that.
The little bunch of posies was a cute touch at the end but all too late.
There was no comedy and I was waiting for some clever lines to appear somewhere.
The Lyrics were good.
ONE THING, YOU DO HAVE A FEW "ING " ENDINGS, TRY TO CUT THEM OUT.

Overall, good effort for the OWC


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Coding Herman
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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This is an okay script to me. I think the story starts a bit too late: Catherine didn't talk to Marshall until Day 5 and the stuff happens before become repetitive. I think you can easily take out 1 or 2 days. There is affection but not too much romance. I didn't find any slight hint of comedy (unless the ball really got smacked into Marshall's face).

Of the characters, Marshall is the mysterious one. I think you need to reveal a bit more backstory about Marshall. I don't know where he came from, what he does, who he is.

There are a few typos and grammar mistakes. You need a FADE OUT at the end. There are a lot of telling instead of showing. (e.g. He cannot read her expression, he has difficulty saying what he really wants to say).

Overall, I don't think it's a bad script, I just feel indifferent to it.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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grademan
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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AUTUMN WALK     

Pros – Story construction in sequence of days, showed Catherine’s interest in Marshall and her increasing attempts to gain his interest by changing the color of her clothes each day, and an acute observation by Catherine about Marshall’s closed off nature. Nice imagery with autumn leaves and flowers at end.

Cons – Not much action. Verging on overuse of “is” and “are”, day numbers should be spelled out. I thought the story was going to be a western since Marshall was introduced as Marshall Pickett.

Comedy – Catherine had a few remarks.

Romance – This one was about middle-aged Catherine, recovering from an illness, trying to get the romantic interest of the older Marshall. Bittersweet ending. I saw this as a romance element but not as a romantic piece. Perhaps, I make too fine a distinction here.

Lyrics – Song near the end when Marshall realized he was too late.  Nit – Detail description of song on first page of script. More impact if it had been included in the body of the script without the detail timing.

Writer – I liked the day-by-day construction. Needs a bit more than watching Marshall walking. Maybe a day less?

Criteria – This struck me as a drama. Not much on comedy though Catherine was witty. Romance element but not romantic.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was indeed a tough read, but more importantly, a wasted read, cause nothing happened, and becuase of that, I feel totally cheated.

I see no reason for putting the song on page 1...it doesn't haev anythign to do with anything, and is so random, it's just pointless.

None of your characters had any life to them.  There wasn't any story here, no resolution, no payout, no...nothing.

Way too much detail given in terms of clothing, which hs absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Way too much detail given in terms of the temperature (if it's cold, we'll know that based on what the characters are wearing, but you can't just come out and repaetedly tell us it's cold, it's warmer, etc.).

Sentence structure wasn't great by any means.  As Grade noted, lots of "is" and "are" verbs being used.

Biggest issue is the structure and it's repetition.  I mean, seriously, nothing of any importance or interest occurred throughout and you just kep repeating events for 5 or 6 days.  The "mother's" reaction to Marshall at the end was very odd and out of palce as well.

Good effort, but I don't see it meeting any requirements of the challenge, and it was very dull.  Sorry.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't like it. too many returns to the same scene. People doing the same thing over and over again for days. It took away from your ability to build on character. Too much action, not enough dialogue..

Why was Catherine so obsessed with this man??


MOTHER
I don't know. A small town
somewhere.
(suddenly businesslike)
Look Marshall, I can't help you.
I don't know who she is or where
she lives. She's a lady who sat
in the park. You had every chance
to get to know her if you wanted,
and you did nothing. I happen to
know she liked you, and wanted to
know you better. It didn't happen.
Too bad. Deal with it.
(to child)
Come to mommy.

That's awful cold for mom to say to someone who just ran in the faucking lake to retrieve her kids ball that the dumb bitch kicked in there anyways. Every chance??? Seriously?  I think Marshall was the only logically person in the script. Except for the fact that he walks in the park every day by himself and is apparently single. Which is weird. Excuse me, i'm from Cleveland...

Awful lot of wrylies, no real ending... I read the song twice, I can interprut it to convey the script... a little.

I stand by my first sentence. Argh.



Revision History (1 edits)
jwent6688  -  September 4th, 2009, 10:48am
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mcornetto
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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That wasn't bad.

It had an interesting enough story and a touching ending.

I did find some of the dialogue to be a bit on the nose though.   Not all of it but once in a while you explained a bit too much for my tastes.

I didn't like the little kid that never spoke.  I have this thing about characters in a screenplay that don't ever speak.

All in all, you did a good job and meet the challenge.

You get
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I really can feel this one!!!!

This one isn't just about writing the screenplay, it's about something else. It's not even about what it's about.

This one's a metaphor for life's missed opportunities.

It's done creatively using time capsules of days. Each one, a little bit different and yet, as in life, each one is, ultimately, the same with its rhythms.

What we take out of these rhythms, is another story altogether. So, it might be that we walk through life and don't see past the things we see. Or we look deeply into them and grasp their full meaning.

I love this one so much. Because truly, it's a brilliant masterpiece. The fact that Marshal walks daily and doesn't pay mind is a testimony to ourselves, I think most often. We are as if, asleep.

Interesting to note (and the writer might not be aware) but the word, marche in French, means walk. Indeed, Marshal walked his walk each day.

There exists within this piece a great deal of layering beneath the words themselves.

There is an emptiness that I feel enriched by. The feeling of Tuesday afternoon. Like, where are you? Not thrust fully towards some gleaming weekend. And not Sunday, not that heaviness of drudgery of the next week to come. Something in between. Just a kind of "being there" vibe.

It feels when reading this like I'm truly a spectator, but also, like I recognize the experience completely. Like a memory. Like somewhere in time, there was a Marshal and Catherine and all this did take place and Marshall himself, after the fact, probably said:

Why did I do that? Why did I act that way?

It's that way with all of us. And there's no reason to it, really.
Or so it seems-- at first. The reason exists purely for amusement
and happiness , I think. To go above the Tuesday afternoon.

Regarding the lyrics,

They deserve mention here:

AUTUMN WALK

(I) Walk by the side of the river and
Watch how the leaves start a-shimmerin',
Fall to the water and... (beat)
Ripple over rocks away.

(I'm) Warm in my scarf and my jacket, but  

(** note from Sandra E. -- the use of I with "m" as numeral.)

Drawn to the cold of the riverbank,
Mourn lost leaves of the tamerack
Floating like my love away.

Chorus

(beat) Autumn walk, water dark,
Damp and cold kills a spark.
It won't live unless you
Cherish it with all of your heart.
(repeat)

This is simply beautiful!

Who wrote this?! George?

I think this is something George is definitely capable of.
Not the humorous type, but very deep.

I'm just glad that submissions are being allowed even if
they're not exactly within the parameters.

Or THIS would have been a lost opportunity.

Thank you so much to the person who entered this.

It keeps me feeling it and knowing why I write and the
strange force that compels.

In the words of Dec

One Love,

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (1 edits)
Sandra Elstree.  -  September 3rd, 2009, 10:08pm
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khamanna
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked your story. I think the best part is how it's ended, it wasn't rushed, it was very believable, very realistic and... touching really.

Out of all melodramatic stories here this one touched me the most, I must say.

The only thing - I liked the flow, but visualize it on screen is hard - I mean them meeting in the park day after day... Howevery, I think that's not as big of a complaint.

Liked it a lot, overall!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Truly beautiful!



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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BryMo
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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This is the only other one that i've read that has had more than 4 lines of lyrics...you wrote something with took up the entire minute and i liked that a lot.

Now your story...while descriptions are extremely beautiful and vivid i found your dialogue to be on the nose. Too precise if that makes sense.

But that doesn't really deter from how touching the story was. I found it very good for a week, so i applaud you!

PS. if this is your idea of comedy you've got issues. Other than that, i quite enjoyed it. haha

Good luck!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Blakkwolfe
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Took a little while to get going. Not sure of how all the daily transitions would translate clearly to the screen, despite changing the colors of the scarves and hats. I really, really thought it was going to turn out that Marshall was a Catholic Priest, hence his hesitation to appear flirty to the women.

Course, having made casual friends with the woman and her child, it would not have been unthinkable that they might have traded e-mail addresses (From experience, she might have friends who have children the same size and they would get hand me downs.)

The song and story captured the cool, melancholy feel of autumn though.

And, finally, 40 is the new 30, and 30 is the new 20...so can a 45 year old woman still be smokin' hot? Hell, yeah!
Hope Catherine starts reading Cosmo and getting some self confidence back. Valerie Bertinelli did it, she can too (without having to deal with Eddie Van Has Been.)


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Blakkwolfe

And, finally, 40 is the new 30, and 30 is the new 20...so can a 45 year old woman still be smokin' hot? Hell, yeah!


Thanks Blakkwolfe,

I'm 47 and I know that life and love are a lot more than what we think when we're twenty.

I've been lucky enough to have been together with someone special for (thinking) 31 years. That's a long time and I think I could answer some of the questions that CHRIS WHITE has regarding sex.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think this one had any comedy or romance, but I really liked it none the less.

I kept hoping that he would notice her...
and at the same time I was wondering why him?
Why did she want his attention so badly?
I get it that she was getting well, and having tests done, but it still didn't seem to sit well with me.

I was hoping that he would have pulled out an old photo of her at the end, but you had him pull out flowers... I was thinking that they had been first loves, and that he didn't notice who she was, but it didn't go there.

Still a nice story for the OWC  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I don't think this one had any comedy or romance, but I really liked it none the less.

I kept hoping that he would notice her...
and at the same time I was wondering why him?
Why did she want his attention so badly?
I get it that she was getting well, and having tests done, but it still didn't seem to sit well with me.

Still a nice story for the OWC  

Cindy


I think she was drawn by a sexual energy that she was feeling.

This could be written into the script for the Actors and Tresses to work with.

I'm dying to find out who wrote this one.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
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I think it was a female. I think it was Astrid.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I think it was a female. I think it was Astrid.


When I thought of the quality in this, I thought of some of the better writers here. I thought of George, I thought of you and Pia, but of course, I knew it wasn't Pia's because here writing has an interesting EDGE to it that you understand and can feel when reading her work.

I thought George at first because, maybe because I associated his brilliance with this script, and I think he's capable of the kind of mellow deep emptiness inside it. But then I realized, he hadn't entered.

I don't think Phil entered.

I had thought of you, Cindy, because I remember your script "Garbage" and the beautiful simplicity of it. And also you're emotional vibrations are very strong.

I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas and that's only fitting, because I really do believe in Santa Clause.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 7th, 2009, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I want to encourage the writer of this piece.

There were two scripts that resonated with me, besides my own, silly me.

BROADWAY BETTY

I didn't care about any lack of comedy. I quoted the lines that were real to Don.

I love your script.

You did a magnificent job and deserve full credit for you work!

AUTUMN WALK

Other people might not get this, but I certainly do.

I thought this was brilliant and it sits with me, now. As if it were part of me.

A really strong piece of work!!!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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martin_b
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, "Autumn Walk" is mine. Thanks everyone who reviewed it, especially the few who actually liked it.

Couple of points: This is my first One Week Challenge I've entered, and I left it too late. I did the lyrics on Wednesday, thought about things on Thursday, and wrote the script in a burst of energy on Friday. It definitely needed a couple of rewrites, but I didn't have time.

As I understood the rules, it could be a romantic comedy, a romantic drama, or a romantic comedy-drama. I went for the drama without the comedy. And I didn't realize the lyrics should be integrated into the script. I thought they had to be separate but on the same theme.

So I played the music over and over, and a picture came into my head of a man walking next to a river on a winter day. (It helped that it was cold and rainy outside at the time.) Why is he walking alone in a romantic script? Obviously something went wrong and the romance fizzled out. So I had my theme -- a romantic opportunity lost, and I wrote the lyrics to suit. (Incidentally, the (I) and (I'm) are not numerals but words said very briefly.)

For the body of my script I tried to do something different. Most romances are pretty talky affairs, except of course for the obligatory dash to the airport, but I thought, "Is it possible to tell a romantic story without any dialog at all? They are always saying, 'Show, Don't Tell.' Can that be done in a romantic movie?"

What I had in mind was something like a chessboard. An experienced player can take one glance at the board and he knows pretty accurately who's winning and who's losing, the attacking and defensive strategies, etc. In my script the woman indicates her interest by arriving earlier at the park, wearing brighter and more revealing clothing, and moving physically closer to the man using football with the child as an excuse. The man similarly would indicate by breaking his pattern that he was also interested. The idea was, you could look at just one frame in the movie and you'd know at what stage of the relationship you were in.

It didn't work as well as I'd hoped. The changes were too gradual and repetitive as several people pointed out. I should have compressed it into one or two fewer days, and also put a note onscreen "Day 1," "Day 2," etc. I thought it would be more obvious.

As to the characters, well, I am an older guy, uncommunicative and set in his ways, so that's Marshall. He's one of those guys who needs an atom bomb up his backside before he'll make a move. I hope that's understood. I needed an excuse for a single woman of a certain age to be in the park, so I made the woman a convalescent taking the sun. It also gave me a ticking clock. When she gets better she disappears; so Marshall can't take his time. I definitely should have motivated her interest in Marshall more, and made clear he was single. I needed a football for her to kick, hence the child, and of course the child needed a mother, hence the last two characters. They are far too generic. They could have added a lot of life to the script, but again, not enough time to work on them.

Despite the faults, I'm pleased with the way it turned out. I was trying to achieve something, and I did. It wasn't perfect, but it was a great learning experience.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from martin_b
Okay, "Autumn Walk" is mine. Thanks everyone who reviewed it, especially the few who actually liked it.

Couple of points: This is my first One Week Challenge I've entered, and I left it too late. I did the lyrics on Wednesday, thought about things on Thursday, and wrote the script in a burst of energy on Friday. It definitely needed a couple of rewrites, but I didn't have time.

As I understood the rules, it could be a romantic comedy, a romantic drama, or a romantic comedy-drama. I went for the drama without the comedy. And I didn't realize the lyrics should be integrated into the script. I thought they had to be separate but on the same theme.

So I played the music over and over, and a picture came into my head of a man walking next to a river on a winter day. (It helped that it was cold and rainy outside at the time.) Why is he walking alone in a romantic script? Obviously something went wrong and the romance fizzled out. So I had my theme -- a romantic opportunity lost, and I wrote the lyrics to suit. (Incidentally, the (I) and (I'm) are not numerals but words said very briefly.)

For the body of my script I tried to do something different. Most romances are pretty talky affairs, except of course for the obligatory dash to the airport, but I thought, "Is it possible to tell a romantic story without any dialog at all? They are always saying, 'Show, Don't Tell.' Can that be done in a romantic movie?"

What I had in mind was something like a chessboard. An experienced player can take one glance at the board and he knows pretty accurately who's winning and who's losing, the attacking and defensive strategies, etc. In my script the woman indicates her interest by arriving earlier at the park, wearing brighter and more revealing clothing, and moving physically closer to the man using football with the child as an excuse. The man similarly would indicate by breaking his pattern that he was also interested. The idea was, you could look at just one frame in the movie and you'd know at what stage of the relationship you were in.

It didn't work as well as I'd hoped. The changes were too gradual and repetitive as several people pointed out. I should have compressed it into one or two fewer days, and also put a note onscreen "Day 1," "Day 2," etc. I thought it would be more obvious.

As to the characters, well, I am an older guy, uncommunicative and set in his ways, so that's Marshall. He's one of those guys who needs an atom bomb up his backside before he'll make a move. I hope that's understood. I needed an excuse for a single woman of a certain age to be in the park, so I made the woman a convalescent taking the sun. It also gave me a ticking clock. When she gets better she disappears; so Marshall can't take his time. I definitely should have motivated her interest in Marshall more, and made clear he was single. I needed a football for her to kick, hence the child, and of course the child needed a mother, hence the last two characters. They are far too generic. They could have added a lot of life to the script, but again, not enough time to work on them.

Despite the faults, I'm pleased with the way it turned out. I was trying to achieve something, and I did. It wasn't perfect, but it was a great learning experience.


Well Martin,

Either I am completely blind, or you are extremely humble.

I ranked Autumn Walk as one of my top three for many different reasons.

You darn well should continue writing because you have something very special inside.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from martin_b
It didn't work as well as I'd hoped. The changes were too gradual and repetitive as several people pointed out. I should have compressed it into one or two fewer days, and also put a note onscreen "Day 1," "Day 2," etc. I thought it would be more obvious.


I agree with that i did think too little happened in those first few days. Their were good opportunities to drop us some hints there. Obviously the biggest one being "Why was she following him so much??? IMO. I think we needed a reason for it to add to her character. Otherwise, she kinda comes off as a stalker. At least to me...


Quoted from martin_b
As to the characters, well, I am an older guy, uncommunicative and set in his ways, so that's Marshall. He's one of those guys who needs an atom bomb up his backside before he'll make a move. I hope that's understood. I needed an excuse for a single woman of a certain age to be in the park, so I made the woman a convalescent taking the sun. It also gave me a ticking clock. When she gets better she disappears; so Marshall can't take his time. I definitely should have motivated her interest in Marshall more, and made clear he was single. I needed a football for her to kick, hence the child, and of course the child needed a mother, hence the last two characters. They are far too generic. They could have added a lot of life to the script, but again, not enough time to work on them.



See, the thing I didn't like about it is that i was intrigued in the beginning. I started coming up with my own guesses. I thought she was a cancer patient with little hope so she stopped taking the Chemo. Which will make you better for awhile, then eventually you will die. She stopped to have one last chance at love... And it was for this man and i was looking forward to you telling us why. Who was he to her?

Then when he shows up a day too late with flowers... I definitely think that scene could go better between him and mom...  She did come off rude to me. He didn't do anything IMO to warrant it. Would have liked to see her sadly tell him that she came everyday hoping he would notice. and that she doesn't know if she's ever coming back.

The "You had every chance... Deal with it"... seemed to come out of nowhere from her.

Anyways, I was one of the ones who didn't like it, but I definitely feel it has potential. Hope these comments are more constructive..


James




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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 11th, 2009, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from jwent6688


I agree with that i did think too little happened in those first few days. Their were good opportunities to drop us some hints there. Obviously the biggest one being "Why was she following him so much??? IMO. I think we needed a reason for it to add to her character. Otherwise, she kinda comes off as a stalker. At least to me...

See, the thing I didn't like about it is that i was intrigued in the beginning. I started coming up with my own guesses. I thought she was a cancer patient with little hope so she stopped taking the Chemo. Which will make you better for awhile, then eventually you will die. She stopped to have one last chance at love... And it was for this man and i was looking forward to you telling us why. Who was he to her?

Then when he shows up a day too late with flowers... I definitely think that scene could go better between him and mom...  She did come off rude to me. He didn't do anything IMO to warrant it. Would have liked to see her sadly tell him that she came everyday hoping he would notice. and that she doesn't know if she's ever coming back.

The "You had every chance... Deal with it"... seemed to come out of nowhere from her.

Anyways, I was one of the ones who didn't like it, but I definitely feel it has potential. Hope these comments are more constructive..


James




The comments here are interesting because what "happened" may entirely be interpreted differently.

How?

Of course, entirely as

Point of View

The fact that you saw a problem with the initiating of character--

and I think we need to discover what this Is--

This fact is

Impermeable

And we need to come again

Sandra El.





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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