Chris White by Charles Bonet (chuckbonet) (Woodchuck)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Chris White is frustrated with sex.  He just can't seem to figure out the whole idea of it.  Then he meets Charly... - pdf, format

Like a rather a lot of shorts, this seems to be rather more of a description of something that happens, rather than an attempt at a story. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if the scene is interesting, or makes you think.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel this fell into this category. There was no real drama to this - no comedy at all as I would see it - and the song, which is part of the whole OWC theme, is tacked on at the end - presumably intended to play as the credits roll, rather than integrated into the script. It felt as if you'd already got this short, and just tacked the song on at the end so you could submit it to the OWC.

As for Romance - well, the "hooker with a heart of gold" type of story might be considered romance (after all "Pretty Woman" is seen as a Romantic film by a lot of people) but given the reality of prostitution and the rather seedy images that even this story invokes, I am not sure I would agree.

The title character has no development. Who is he? Why is he wandering around picking up hookers for philosophical debates! Who is Charly - what is her background. What does she even look like? I got no sense of these two characters at all from the script.

And it all just ends. The central incident of the story does nothing to change the characters, or move either of them of the story forward. It may as well not have happened - at the end, Chirs and Charly do exactly as they planned to do before it.

I was left with no desire to read more about the two, or see what happened to them.

my two biggest issues with this is that there was too much subtext in the description ("chris isn't sure if this is a rhetorical question or not."...how do we see that...remember you can only write what we see/hear) and the was straight forward ("can i ask you a question?") and the dialog was "one voiced"...if you white out the character slugs, you can't tell who's lines are who's...

This was pretty good. Terrible title though? Chris White? Maybe if you gave him a cooler name, you could name the script after the character but in this case... no. Anyway, I like the overall premise. We've all seen Pretty Woman, unfortunately. It's pretty obvious things don't pan out this way in real life. This was a little more down to earth. Still, I think the two characters should wrestle with the dialogue a little. Charly seems a little too overly accommodating at times and Christ, I honestly don't know where he's coming from. I understand what he wants, just not why he wants it. You don't give him much backstory. Still, the ending feels on point. My only other complaint would be this is a little light on comedy. Every script here seems to be missing something though so I guess it's no biggie. Good job.

this was wonderful! Different characters, unusual situation...

Grabbed me right away and kept me curious till the end.

Few notes: punctuation "What are you doing here, Francis"; reads a little like a note - too much of thinks..; "professional" (first paragraph) - do you mean attire?.

My only complaint is the placement of the song, but if your script got accepted then it's not a real complaint

Loved it! Thanks for the read. Very romantic story.

I liked this. One of my favourites so far. It fizzled out near the end, but I enjoyed it.

Blanda seemed a bit overly nice regarding the whole "simplicity" thing. He's practcially admitting he uses hookers in front of another cop.

I also think it needs a bit more of an edge and a bit more of a reason for them to have a spark.

I can't talk from experience, but I reckon pros come across the guys who just want to talk quite a lot.

I'd also like to see more development on his sex issue. Sex is quite a weird thing in some ways, particularly modern sex. There's a lot to it and I can imagine it being difficult for a lot of people to understand. I'd really like to see inside the guys head.

I like it a lot though. It's only a bit of a fierce re-write away from being something that would make a nice little film.

CHRIS WHITE

Pros – Premise.

Cons – Some confusion over who is Doris on pg. 7 – one of the police officers or the prostitute?

Comedy – Not much amusing other than the prostitute’s real name is Doris not Charly. I half expected Charly or Chris to be a guy given their non-gender specific names. Cop's t-shirt was funny.

Romance – Chris is confused about sex walking the porn streets at 2 am. A glimmer of romance beckoned when Charly asked Chris to breakfast.

Lyrics – Included as attachment (I almost missed it) at end of script and it fit the confusion/sadness that Chris felt. But it was more of an emotional tie in rather than a story line tie in.

Writer – I was interested in where this story was going. Story has a somber tone. Needs a clearer focus as to what Chris’s problem is. (I know sometimes ambiguity is good.)

Criteria – Somber story. Prostitution not romance when portrayed in this nature (Pretty Woman this is not).

BTW, I am never gonna leave my car in an attended parking lot again. Gross.

Gary

Not bad.  Some of the dialogue really stood out for me.  I was hoping the story would develop more, though.  This kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld episode I saw once.  We never care much about any of the characters, and the whole golden hearted hooker thing has really been played to death.  When it's over, I don't think Chris, Charly or anyone else in the story has changed or grown in any way.  There's not much arc here.

On the positive, I liked your old school sport references.  Stockton to Malone?  That's old school.  And Blanda and Tittle?  That's ancient school.  

Okay, I don't hear music. So you flunked the OWC.

However, this is the start of something cool. I like it. It feels real, right down to the cops. Francis. Yeah, I'd say that if I was fuckin' with a guy.

It's an awe shit moment, you just know it could go either way, so that's suspense of a good kind. And then they let him go, but say it in an off hand way, which is awesome. Next time I see you here, you better be parking a car.

And then there's Charly waiting. Which means she came out of her shell, her business.

Cool stuff, this one, even if you flunked. But hey, as they say, A students end up working for C students.

Hmmm, this was a mixed bag. It was promising to begin with but when Charly just happened to be the type of hooker who was happy to chat with some guy who could've been a pscho killer....well, you get my drift.

The arrival of the cops was odd, too. Even though it was set in the US, the dialogue and names seemed almost English? I thought Charly was gonna be an undercover cop for a mo there.

Writing and format was good. Another where the writer seemd to lose inspiration (and had maybe deadline panic) and finished hurriedly.   Good try but.

Oh, and i have NFBI what blanda and Tittle suggests...

Well, I defintely know this is well written, and I have an idea of who wrote it, as well.

I like it...for what it is.  I don't see it meeting the challenge at all, so like Clorox said, you fail here.  No Romcom, very little humor.  No music.

The music...wait, did I miss it?  Where the fuck is it? Oh there it is...as the credits roll?  No way...very disapointed, cause this is really well done.

So?  Damn...I hate to say this, but based on what it's not, that it's supposed to be, no go, bro.  Sorry...you obviously are a good writer.

This seemed like a scene out of something bigger.  We end up knowing nothing about Chris except that he works on Wall Street.  He meets a hooker, they end up not doing anything, they get busted by cops that for some reason let them both go then Chris says he's getting to know that there's more to Doris than just being a hooker?  How?  The only thing he learned about her was her name is really Doris.  Did I miss something?

This needs some kind of character development to give it depth.  And maybe something more at the end cus I felt there was no resolution.  

I didn't feel like the song had anything to do with the story but was just thrown in to meet the criteria.

A very different take on romance that works surprisingly well. It's a nice story, with plenty of twists and turns in its nine pages, and raises some interesting questions about sex and its place in relationships. And it also raises some major trust issues as well. That conversation as they went for breakfast must have been a doozy. It's a pity we never got to hear it.

The lyrics are the best of all I've read so far in terms of fitting the music. But they seem to have nothing to do with the story.

I really did enjoy this one. I just felt hooked at the beginning te-he, no really I did!

And I just felt compelled to read on with no bathroom breaks.

I was wondering about the choice of location for the action-paction, but I guess a parking garage is as good as place as ever and it was The Beatle's who sang,

Why don't we do it in the road?

So I think this gospel is good to keep in mind when considering such lofty and magnificent thoughts on copulation, as Chris does in this story.

And a Hummer, not just any kind of Hummer, but yellow, well why not?!!

This here:

CHARLY
Well, I think it’s fun. It feels
good, sometimes great. It’s messy.
It’s funny. It’s embarrassing.
Sometimes it hurts.
(Beat)
I think it pays the bills. What do
you wanna hear?

I really enjoyed Charly-Doris' dialogue.

We are left to wonder if Chris and Charly
do find love. I think they do.

Sandra  

I liked it. The one note that I remembered from a previous OWC was in the naming of characters. Charley and Chris are visually similiar, so it made it just a tad more difficult to figure out who was who. I also liked the fact that Chris had some depth to him, as well as Charley. The commentary of the cop also helped clarify the question for Chris. More metaphorical and almost a parable about the pursuit of sex over substance. Really liked the dialogue, and the rythym of the conversation, particularly Charley's comment on the similaritys of thier professions. Very thoughtful and insightful script. The complaint would be that the song lyrics didn't work in to the story. You could delete the last page and not have any impact. Regardless, a good script on it's own merit.