Saved By The Whales by Arzadon Keniel (dude) (Unpronounceable)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A  recently divorced man who plans to commit suicide changes his mind when he reads a poem written on a burger wrapper. 12 pages - pdf, format

Lucky last!  Yeah, this was ok. Had all the ingredients except for the comedy.
Format was good and written nicely.

it just needs more meat on the bones of it.  

kind of a cute story...easy enough to follow...straight forward...a couple of small gripes..."sits on a chair ON his desk'....shouldn't it be "by" his desk?...or better, just, "sits at his desk"...i think we will all assume he's in a chair...second, when you introduce madison, no need to give us a blow-by-blow of her eating a hamburger...just start with her finishing the hamburger and scribbling her notes on the wrapper (hope there isn't any mayo smeared on it!)...anyway, some things to like...high marks for originality...

There's a sweetness to this.  Dialog is on the nose in spots, but I get it.  And you've got comedy and romance.  Upping the drama a bit may be the missing piece in that it speaks to Madison's motivation.  Her ATM card getting rejected is probably not enough to warrant suicide.  But her breakup *could* be.  In that case, we need to see this.  But in her interaction with Sidney, the chatter seems more lighthearted than morose, so I found it a bit of a stretch that she would walk into the sea looking to end her life.  Madison running into Sam - finder of the poem she had written - at the beach pushes the bounds of randomness, but I understand what you were looking to achieve.  I cared about the characters.  For that, and a clean read, nice job.

I like the beginning of this story.  Sam finds the words written on the burger wrapper and uses his skills to bring it to life.  I wasn't nuts about the suicide thing though.  Seemed to unbelievable that he'd find madison's lyrics then run into her as she's trying to commit suicide. You lost me there.

A lot of Sam's VO was expositional.  Find a way to show us what's going on instead of taking the easy way out and telling us.  Overall the dialog needs a lot of word.  It just didn't sound natural.  

Your narrative is a bit clunky. Here's one example. . .You wrote:  

"SAM FEHR, late 30’s, sits on a chair on his desk. On the desk lays still his divorce papers.

He signs it reluctantly and places it on an envelope. For five seconds, he looks at the envelope."

Try to make every word count.  And you need to describe Sam's appearance more than just telling us he's late 30's.  And you telling us he looks at the envelope for 5 seconds is odd.  I was actually counting.  How about finding a way to describe his facial expression, showing us how he feels about signing.  Is he sad?  Releaved?  Maybe there's a picture on his desk of his wife during better times and he looks at that too.  

And the first scene with Madison...are we really gonna watch her eat a whole burger?  Can you imagine watching a movie and being entertained by a girl eat a whole burger?  Think screen time when you write.

Watch the "we see" and "we hear".  If you're describing it well, we should be able to see it and hear it so those are just wasted words and they take the reader out of the story.  

Overall I think this idea has a lot of potential, just needs to be reworked in certain areas.  Keep writing!!!  

SAVE THE WHALES

Pros – Title.

Cons – Stiff, unnatural prose throughout. One example from the opening scene: “On the desk lays still his divorce papers.” Dialogue has a lot of “is verbing”. The montage contains many examples.

Comedy – Weird stuff. An example is the Sidney reading a book in the used bookstore on how to get fired. I'm not sure if the janitor was suppposed to be funny.

Romance – Forced. The rashness of Sam’s proposal and the unfelt despair of Madison to commit suicide.

Lyrics – On a burger wrapper which later units Sam and Madison in song.

Writer – Good effort for a tough OWC. This story needs a rewrite or two to flow. Underlying theme of joblessness felt a little heavy handed. I loved the statement “Will you help me up?” as both physical and emotional.  

Criteria – Romance element was forced and unfelt. Comedy vibe was strange. Lyrics okay.

Gary

This is definitely one of the more original ideas I've read thus far. I love the title too. Sam's character is all accounted for, so to speak but I think you need to work on Madison's. Okay. She's unemployed. But honestly, I was really surprised when she tried to kill herself. She just didn't seem the type. To me, the scripts about the meeting of two really fucked up people who are essentially kindred spirits. Rom/com's about fucked up people are my favorite kinds. So I would work on making Madison more fucked up haha. In all seriousness, she needs to parallel Sam more.

Also, big problem with the ending. The last couple pages should be completely chopped off. I mean gone. Completely. I think Sam telling Madison that she saved his life and her saying he returned the favor and the two of them walking off together is a perfect ending. You don't have to be sure they'll end up together. One can hope. It's also a lot more natural that way. As is, Sam's proposal is completely awkward, out of the blue and unbelievable, not to mention you waste a lot of time repeating what's already been said/done. So I'd say chuck all this nonsense and leave off with them walking away ready to learn more about each other.

Overall, good effort but could be way better.

Very nice story. very melodramatic... and romantic.

I did not like the montages, could not visualize them. shouldn't every page count as a minute? The montage page weighs no less than 5 (in your case at least), I think. And then, I did not feel a need for montage either, I don't think that here the series of these shots promote the story in any way.

But I liked the overall feel. and I thik it's very well written.

you saved me, I saved you - I'd stay away from that.

LIked it! Thanks for the read.

I really liked the logline on this.

I thought that perhaps the person who wrote this has English as their second language.

>on a chair on his desk

>and I'm not even gonna go any younger
Could you pick up your trash? The
park is being maintained regularly
for a contest and if we don’t win,
I’m fired and my family would go
hungry.

Would the Janitor really say something like that?

I don't think they call them janitors if they're in parks.

Again, why I think this is an ESL student.

Then they'd probably be called a park attendant.

A good idea behind this one. Just needs work.

Sandra

I think that this was a good idea.

You really need to work a bit on your writing though.  The dialogue was so on the nose that my nose is a bit sore after reading it.  It was also very formal and I would encourage you to use some contractions.

The first half is the best part, as you unfold the story.  When Sam ended up jumping from the rocks to save her that was a bit too much, if you had actually built up to that then it could maybe have worked but the way it happens now it just too unbelievable.

Everything after he saves her should just be rewritten.  It doesn't really contribute to the story.  Better to end it ambiguously than the way you did.

You get

OK, last script.  I've been nice this OWC.  I haven't been cruel, harsh, or short.  I've given some detailed reviews, and some very positive ones as well...I've read and commented on 37 scripts.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to continue here.  2 pages in and...well...just so many problems and issues.

I think you've already received some good info on reworking this.  Best of luck and my apologies for not finishing and offering more advice.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, last script.  I've been nice this OWC.  I haven't been cruel, harsh, or short.  I've given some detailed reviews, and some very positive ones as well...I've read and commented on 37 scripts. I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to continue here.  2 pages in and...well...just so many problems and issues. I think you've already received some good info on reworking this.  Best of luck and my apologies for not finishing and offering more advice.

You always work hard Jeff, make no mistake.

I'm behind you 100% always. Just keep being real as you are and that's a big plus for all of us!

Sandra

umm... If he's signing divorce papers, yet he got stood up at the aisle twice... Makes no sense.

Why wouldn't the janitor pick up the trash??? Is his job, I know it sucks, but it's his job.

oof, lotsa typos my friend. Then again, i am the knig of them. Trying to fetch me crown???

Didn't get her putting rocks into a bag... maybe filling the pockets of her coat would be better. At least that's what i'd do if I wanted to drown.

The proposal is definitely too much... no way in a 12 pg rom dramady.. No wonder these two wanted to kill themselves, They're weirdos...

Alright, got what you were going for, but you'd need a shitload more pages to make it believable. This is way too fast for an engagement. Just a hint of romance would've been nice in this. Bring about the idea that these two will hit it off in the near future.

It was a tough OWC... I thinked you tried for too much, but the burger wrapper could be something to build on...

James

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and agree with what's been said already.  The dialogue is way too on the nose, the whole thing is way to coincidental.  I do like the burger wrapper bit though.  

Not working for me.

The wrapper, song part was good, but aside from that, it's too talky. I think with the wrapper, the composing, it could have been more images of these two ships passing in the night, and then somehow bringing them together without a lot of talk, and letting us see the visual pain of Sam, the visual pain of Madison, and then a last shot letting us KNOW they're going to be okay, because all along we we're hoping these two ship would meet.

The writer of this definitely has English as their second (or eighth) language. It felt like the writer was one of those Indian telemarketers ("Hello sirs, my name is Sanjeev. Please be to me saving you moneys on telephones bills"). There are too many mistakes and typos to list and things that just plain didn't make sense. But if your English is not so good then it is to be expected, good on you for having a go anyway.

One thing I'll point out is with your slugs. Every scene description you include the word 'local'. So we have local park, local bank, local beach etc. I get it. We are somewhere local. You don't need to provide this much description, by definition they are somewhere local.

I was going to say that there was no comedy, but I laughed so that's not true. Unfortunately I was only laughing at the horrible dialogue. I don't want to be harsh but it is some of the worst dialogue I have ever read. Nobody talks like that. It's hard to pick out examples because it occurs in practically every line. I mean the part where she tries to kill herself and he mentions getting washed up on a deserted island? Does that seem realistic to you? Does it seem realistic that a man would propose to a woman that he has known for five minutes? Where does the idea of proposing in front of the Hollywood sign come from? It is just so far out of left field, it's like WTF?!

And a guy decides not to kill himself becasue of some words on a burger wrapper? Really? Like the guy is so depressed and has tried every option and the only thing left to do is kill himself. Then he sees a piece of trash with some words on it and is like "Holy shit what was I thinking, this piece of trash has just given me the inspiration I need to keep on living!" It is too far outside of reality to take it seriously. We also didn't see Sam as suicidal, there was no indication he had considered taking his own life before he told her.

The part where the two girls are in the bookshop and Madison asks about any jobs. Sidnee says there is a janitorial job for $15 a week. WTF? What country are we in? Any business advertising that is just asking to get done for slave labour.

Anyway look well done on completing the challenge, especially if this is your first attempt at a screenplay. This one needs some serious work but I'm sure your next effort will be better.

Cheers,
Tim.

It's a cute story. I especially liked the twist that they saved each other's lives. But there were a number of problems. It's not clear why Madison is writing a poem on a burger wrapper. We need more description of her mental state at the time. When Sam picks up the poem it's not clear that he is planning to kill himself and the poem makes him change his mind. To be honest, I don't think that poem would stop me committing suicide. It needs more work, and it needs to be longer to fit the music. And Sam needs a reason to be on the rocks when Madison wades into the water. As for the extra line about the whales, that has nothing to do with anything. The romance at the end was a bit rushed, and the comedy was rather forced.

The English needs work -- it's obviously not the writer's first language. But I think the germ of a good story is there. My suggestion would be to make it all happen in just one day, and have Madison and Sam first meet in the bookstore, maybe pretending everything's fine meantime each is suicidal. If you could motivate their actions better, and flesh out the descriptions, this could be one of the better entries.

It reminds me a bit of that film Serindipity with John Cusack, where he finds the book etc.

I liked the bit where he finds the burger rapper, but thought that his meeting her on the beach was very unlikely. Maybe if she wrote her initials or surname on the rapper and he tried to track her down, it might be plausable. Over all I enjoyed the read though.