SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 25th, 2019, 3:54am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The scripts of the April/May OWC have been posted


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Screwed - * Moderators: Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Screwed - *  (currently 4929 views)
Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
Screwed by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) (Tommy Baltis)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Tommy screwed up.  But is he really screwed? We all make mistakes, but do we really learn from them? Sometimes music can make the difference, when it's from the heart. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:57pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Astrid
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I've read one of Baltis'  scripts. I really hope he didn't write this. I don't think he did.

Maybe I haven't been here long enough to appreciate this? One line says,  'The melody runs for fifty-six seconds, stops, then repeats itself'. That's almost two minutes of just music. Nothing else!

Thats enough to make me stop reading. Boring. And then there is the dialogue. It sounds like something I heard in Jr. High. Maybe others will like it? I don't. Just being honest.  

And the song sounds like you just pick the first rhyming word that popped into your head... 'I never dreamed you'd walk away...always thought that you would stay'.

I don't mind being harsh with this cuz I don't think you took it too seriously. Maybe I shouldn't either? I'll leave it at that. Yep.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 39
jwent6688
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1740
Posts Per Day
0.45
big plastic tumblers
in hand.

I'm a drunk, never seen a plastic tumbler. If you can find me one please do. Bust mine all the time.

Alright, obvious spoof on baltis, i don't know the man at all my self, but there were a few funny references. These were the most ginormous dialogue paragraphs i'd ever seen. And they didn't say shit for the most part.

I get that someone was making a joke, the story completely sucked though otherwise,.. IMHO. If you're gonna spoof somebody here, at least throw in something interesting.... I still hope though, to gain that level of being worth spoofed... Where is the man baltis???

hmmm.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 39
LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 12:07am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3211
Posts Per Day
0.83
Okay, own up which one of the 'terrible trio' wrote this. And didn't even bother to give Baltis a cameo 'walk-on' role?

I will attempt to give this a serious review.

A bit of a rambling start. And a little bit derived ha, get it? And way way too 'talkie'.

Also, a not so subtle reference to the ‘Something about Mary’ ‘whack it’ beforehand thing happening.

After Rachel arrives - I couldn't tell when the lyrics started and finished. Was she singing along?

Anyway this was a bit of a hotchpotch - now really, wasn't it? I did not get romance from this, or for that matter anything really dramatic - and I've read better comedy (from you, whoever you are) ... really, I'm sure I have.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  September 3rd, 2009, 12:19am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 39
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 12:17am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3743
Posts Per Day
0.87
Excell-aunt-- Tey! times ten!

What I liked about his one was the style that came through.

The voice of the writer was unmistakable! T

This presentation was highly unique and was a strong showcase
of what someone with talent can do.

Good job!

I'd definitely write your name down as a writer to watch for!

**

Just reading the OTHERS' REVIEWS!

So why exactly, did I find this entertaining?

And I did!!!!

That must tell me that I'd better put the lime in the coconut and call you in the morning.

Seriously. I found this entertaining.

Silly me.

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (1 edits)
Sandra Elstree.  -  September 3rd, 2009, 12:27am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 39
Trojan
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 2:59am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
Australia
Posts
428
Posts Per Day
0.12
I actually liked this one and thought it was really well written. I can see how maybe some people wouldn't like the content or the dialogue but I personally found it funny. It had romance in there, had the comedy, a bit light on the drama though.

The references to Frostbite were hilarious, particularly when Angel is describing how it will redefine the way scripts are written. Nicely done!

Even though I don't think it's meant to be taken too seriously, I still found it to be better than most of the other entries in the challenge. Have a fair idea who wrote it, but don't want to start speculating just yet...

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 39
Tommyp
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 3:06am Report to Moderator
Regular


Continuity Is For Pussies...

Location
Australia
Posts
775
Posts Per Day
0.20
Great read here. I also think I know who wrote it.

The dialogue could be trimmed down slightly, but was funny and romantic overall.

The Frostbite bit was a bit random, but when I read this line 'The cover sheet reads "FROSTBITE by BALTIS" ' I was leaning over on my chair to pick something up from the ground, and I laughed so hard I fell off it. And it hurt. Funny stuff, sir!

What else can I say? I think that's about it. Overall solid entry, well done.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 39
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 3:10am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3743
Posts Per Day
0.87

Quoted from Trojan
I actually liked this one and thought it was really well written. I can see how maybe some people wouldn't like the content or the dialogue but I personally found it funny. It had romance in there, had the comedy, a bit light on the drama though.

The references to Frostbite were hilarious, particularly when Angel is describing how it will redefine the way scripts are written. Nicely done!

Even though I don't think it's meant to be taken too seriously, I still found it to be better than most of the other entries in the challenge. Have a fair idea who wrote it, but don't want to start speculating just yet...

Cheers,
Tim.


Weird. Totally Weirdd!

I know I'm off with structure, but I really wonder:

How can people be so dense as to not see something when it's "pointed out to them".

Ah well.

Anyways, you come along and give some solid input and I realize, I'm not alone.

This here is a good script, Cream of the crop? Maybe not. But I had an enjoyable read with it and I think that means a lot!--

Especially--

When you've read so many that you just can't count.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 39
stevie
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 3:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3050
Posts Per Day
0.80
FROSTBITE!!  YAY!
Now why didn't I think of this?  

Funny stuff here, some good lines. And some great semi porn!
Sure, there wasn't any drama (does meat in melons count as dramatic?) and the song was levered in, but hey, what the heck!

3 more to read and I've done them all!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 39
Ledbetter
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Guest User



it's OK. I have read a few here and this one does not a lot for me.

The first scene alone is 4 1/2 pages long. VERY WORDY.

That whole scene felt like a lot of filler. The flow after that was pretty good but the ending was predictible. For a OWC, this was good. The writer is experienced.

I have a good idea who it is. Over all not my favorite, but OK none the less.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 39
grademan
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
899
Posts Per Day
0.24
SCREWED

Pros – Engaging read, J. C. Holmes reference, Baltis “Frostbite” reference.

Cons – Tommy’s wallowing a bit overdone. Bit of talking heads.

Comedy – Banter. One traditional gag where the roommate falls on the beach because he was busy watching some hotties.  Sex references were not included for shock value but because Tommy and Jackson talk this way.

Romance – More of a brooding and reflection vibe.

Lyrics – As a “love gone wrong song” overheard by his roommate who thought it was a wuss thing to do. Then as a heartfelt warbling his estranged girlfriend walked in on.

Writer – Felt that Tommy was sorry for his error. The closing scene with Angel had a dream feel to it. Nice title: Tommy is screwed because he screwed around.  

Criteria – Not quite in the R zone.

I liked this one a lot.

Gary

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 39
Dreamscale
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10638
Posts Per Day
2.55
HaHa!  Funny stuff here, IMO.  Love the references.  I think I know who wrote this, but then again, it could be 1 of 4 or 5 people.

Only mistake I see is a dupe word in dialogue on page 6.  Writing was clean and easy to follow.  Maybe a bit talky, but I found the dialogue quite funny and engaging.

Story actually worked for me.  Reminded me of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and "Heartbreak Kid".  I see some romance, lots of comedy, and some serious elements thrown into the funny stuff.

Music was well integrated, and played a real part in the script.  Words were simple but made sense, and I could actually hear them over the tune, which is alot more than I can say for most.  Also liked how Angel spoke some of the lyrics, she just heard Tommy singing.

Liked this one alot, and felt it met the requirements very well.

Would have liked to see Baltis in a cameo as well!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 39
big lew
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 12:25am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Rewriting Sucks!

Location
Water Mill, New York
Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Finally, a Bromance!

I liked it. A lot. Very unique in the overall scope of the submissions.

In character with Tommy or Jackson, maybe a little too much “dick swinging and manning-up, bro,” but not so much to sidetrack the story structure, clever dialog, on-purpose clichéd lyrics, and end-of-story reversal. (Jackson, you porn-drunk mothertrucker).

There's just one stretch for me:  based on the never-forgotten lessons of my long life, and I have to be the oldest dog in the yard, no woman (no woman!!!) voluntarily returns to the scene of the betrayal the next day with a forgiving hug and smile as the champion of a dickwad who wrote a great script – unless of course, they are a member of the 12-step program at SS!

But then again, for me, that’s the wicked humor of this funny, funny, funny got-screwed-by-his-best-friend bromantic comedy with a return visit from an Angel.

Freakin’-Aaaaa!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 39
big lew
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 12:32am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Rewriting Sucks!

Location
Water Mill, New York
Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
A P.S. to the writer of this script:

Just so you don't think I'm from another planet, the Board automatically changed a semi-profanity my sentence, "...the chamion of a (blank)...to..."the champion of a lilly."  Which is fine, but required an explanation.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 39
mcornetto
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 2:57am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm in two minds about this one.  

I didn't really find it funny - though I could see it was trying to be.

The dialogue wasn't bad - nor was the story.  I didn't really feel the romance though and I was completely expecting the ending, so it was kind of a let down to see it end exactly how I expected.  You should try tweaking that so you don't foreshadow it as much.

In parts I did think the dialogue rambled on a bit and that could probably be trimmed.

But for a week it wasn't bad.

You get:
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 39
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2009 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 7 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006