SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:26am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Halloween Baby! - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Halloween Baby! - OWC  (currently 8945 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Well, as others have said, it's written pretty well and it's quite the unique take, but...

IMO, this is obviously a joke, and as Phil said, it just goes on too long.

Yeah, there are some clever and funny lines, but with something like this, when a line or thought doesn't work, it really sticks out and there are numerous ones here that are a big miss.

My issue is that you didn't really take this seriously, as this is obviously not horror, although, as some said, there are definitely elements of horror on display, but the overall mood has absolutely nothing to do with horror - it's slapstick comedy, and although I smiled several times, by the time I got to the end, I was happy the ride was over.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 47
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
well that was different

on the plus side, it stands out, its simple and with a bit of luck could be filmed.

downsides, a bit too farcical  for my taste. i appreciate it has that rocky horror vibe, but like adding salt to food, it just had too much for me.

with extra pages you could have set him up as a loner, desperate for love/sex loves his cat - we like him -  but then realises the cat would make the spell. it as a price worth paying - but selling out on your buddies will cost you

i liked the lyrics but in line with others this could be shorter to add punch

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 47
Stumpzian
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Fire, brimstone, zoot suits...what more could one want? I like this A LOT. Goes from zero to sixty right from the start. Many funny lines. Even worked in a "it's not you, it's me" line. Great word choices (eg. ice shackles). As Dr. Flash, I think of a young Billy Idol or that guy in the B-52s or Johnny Depp or Steve Martin (Little Shoppe of Horrors version).

To the writer, Thanks!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 47
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
One thing I'll say about this script:

Rocky Horror Show's continued success shows there's a market for this kind of thing...and it's getting lonely in that pool of one.
I've no doubt that done right this could find a fan-base.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 47
EWall433
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.11
What can I say? This a wonderful execution of something that’s just not up my alley. Well-written and clever. It would fit well beside Rocky Horror, but I turned that movie off halfway through. Musicals aren’t my thing. That being said, without the music it’s really only a half piece. Like watching a music video with the sound off and captions on, but I got a feeling you’ve got a tune in your head.

Kudos for coming up with something unique. It’s a brilliant way to get around the one character dialogue limit.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 47
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Wow a horror musical...original. And I like your logline.

Love the writing in this. Frowny face though poor Twigs.

O M G I super love this one. My favorite so far! And Twigs is back!!!! Very very coolness here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 47
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
Unexpected. Clever. I love cats...but I also love Little Shop Of Horrors and some good ol' Rocky Horror you know what I'm saying?

While really enjoyable, I have some minor quibbles, and here they are
There is a bit of Dr. Flash's lines which has a comma after a word-

Quoted Text

DR. FLASH
Admittedly a little bit nervous to,
taste a wine from a girl so fine, I
can only hope tonight, she's ready,
and willing to serve it.


At first I thought it was a typo, but it it happens to be the wrong puctuation, giving a pause in the cadence where there shouldn't be one. Also, the dialog/ song alternates between italics and non-italics. Other than this, I can't find much fault with this as I enjoyed it. Coold make a shortlist withoutr much problem. It will be remembered. Stellar work.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 21 - 47
Last Fountain
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ottawa
Posts
195
Posts Per Day
0.05
The ROCKY HORROR tradition continues here, with some good laughs.

I loved the energy of the opening visual paired with the eerie guitar shred. I like the title style of cursive neon as well. I also really enjoyed your decision to follow a cat through this gothic castle, leading us to the mad scientist / doctor. I really dig this old school Victorian horror vibe blended / re-mixed with a pop music aesthetic. I also liked the steam-punk science elements. Very atmospheric opening.

Dark humour quickly follows with the final ingredient in the doctor’s concoction. I wonder if a minor tweak to the dialogue would better set the (musical) stage. Like, “On with the show” versus “the show must begin” – and an alteration to “grapes of –wrath- fresh from hell” – to keep this schlocky b-movie fun. I understand this dialogue is sung because of the title page. Perhaps you could add “singing” in parenthesis (versus italicized dialogue), at least with the 1st occurrence, so we know what to expect and clear any confusion. I thought if he was rhyming, he was singing. Kudos on the rhymes you came up with though.

The devil woman could have been more creative. Although, I suppose the familiar horned devil is appropriate for a comedic musical. I’m assuming the focus here isn’t on scares, so the creature design should be minimized. What follows is a horny young doctor trying to bang a devil.

The next cool moment for me was the visuals of the electric demon and her skin cracking, bursting light, and exploding eyes. I think you could add some jokes about making the wrong girl appear. Or a backup plan with another girl. Once he sees her explode, maybe he changes his mind. And the bland appearance of the traditional devil becomes something more gore-tastic – with oozing neon blood.

The intro to the Pits of Hell made me laugh. That description was perfect: “Fire. Brimstone. Zoot suits.” You perfectly set the mood of Hell with one tight and concise descriptive line. Once the doc’s face is ripped off maybe he can sing with a slur or impediment of some sort – for another dark joke. And maybe these demons could have a choreographed dance prepared for new inhabitants. Put those zoot suits to use, right. Hehehe.

Short and fast. A fun and atmospheric musical. But light on horror.   *** (out of 5)  


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 47
Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 12:59am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
This is brilliant, awesome dude! or dudette, lol.

Right away it put me in mind of Brian De Palma's 'Phantom of the Paradise', which is probably my all time fav cult classic.

I can see it now. A psychedelic pop-rock opera; the theater done to the nines in colors so vibrant they burn out your retinas; Marshall stacks as high as the ceiling blowing paint off the walls; black luminescent blood under the purple neon...

Then there's drug laden Prima Donna front man Dr Flash (akin to 'Beef' from the Phantom) flanked by his blood craving minions, wailing out face melters on their stereophonic guitars; the backup singers scraping the audience for body parts so Dr. Flash can bring forth his demonic whore from beyond... Life at Last!

Aw, hell... something messed up like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Psj1l6JHmPA

Really creative, great job!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 47
stevemiles
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 6:27am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Feels like someone’s channeling their inner Rocky Horror show...

A sassy, steampunk scientist -- nice, different.

Feels like a solid hand behind this -- plenty of slick visuals and enough charm to carry it through -- though I’ll admit to skimming some of the dialogue after a while as it seemed the idea was running on a bit.  Not sure the degree of levity suits the challenge but a good read nonetheless.  Now if there’s ever a musical OWC you’re quids in.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 47
mmmarnie
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 9:07am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
Oh man...poor Twigs!  

Being a HUGE "Rocky Horror Picture Show" fan, I loved this.  Lyrics could use some work but not bad for only a week's work! Fun stuff here. Looking forward to seeing who wrote it.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 47
rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43

Quoted from mmmarnie
Oh man...poor Twigs!  

Being a HUGE "Rocky Horror Picture Show" fan, I loved this.  Lyrics could use some work but not bad for only a week's work! Fun stuff here. Looking forward to seeing who wrote it.


I'd a feeling some would see it that way. It wasn't me. Or for me. Nevertheless. Good to see someone enjoying something that much.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 47
Kyle
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dorset
Posts
103
Posts Per Day
0.03
Definitely the most unique one I've read so far. Doesn't take itself too seriously and you can tell whoever wrote it had a lot of fun. Not the biggest fan of musicals but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 47
Don
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 4:52am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
SPOILERS

When I first read, "Horror Musical Short", I thought, "No, no, no. This is going to be bad."  I was wrong.  This nails "Halloween Horror" perfectly.  It was a lot of fun to read this.  It channelled Rocky Horror and Elvira for me. I could visualise the story very clearly and I didn't get pulled out of the story as I read it. The lyrics were a little forced at times, but given the amount of time to knock this out, that can be forgiven.

Commentary: This was NOT what I was thinking when I came up with the challenge.  I was thinking darker and way less dialogue.  However, the challenge isn't to read my mind.  The script fits the requirements laid out.  And, I really enjoyed it.  

If I wanted to be a dick about it:  The theme was sunset to sunrise the doors are open.  In this, the crossover happens at mid-night, tho I'd be the first to argue that the crossover happens within the time period specified.  


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 28 - 47
PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Halloween Baby!

Hello,

Difficult. I like that you go for attention. Your stuff is different.

It's not so Horror, but I guess the music could bring a nice, creepy mood on the floor. I appreciate you're trying to serve a different concept; that's an important understanding, for me. So, you would need good music and maybe rewrite till it's as funny and creepy and subtle as possible.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 47
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2014 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006