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Very effective, nicely done. That said, the OWC calls for scripts that are 8-10 pages. Since there doesn't seem to be much dialog even from one character, little bit would not have hurt. On the other hand, I like the fact that the majority of the script relies on visuals. Could have sweatedout one more page or just a little more just to get past seven. I'd even suggest a little more good ol' white space if you really had to.
Didn't outright hate the piece. It's good- just needed more.
Right off the bat, a nitpick. You can’t see someone is deaf. Maybe you can see they’re blind, if they have cataracts or something. But you can’t see deaf until you observe the character’s actions (you know, I get to the end and he didn’t have to be deaf at all).
I liked this as I read. The visuals sold the story and the end was nice and gruesome, but it left me with one big question. What was compelling him to kill that he couldn’t just… not? He says, “I tried” and I’m thinking “but…?” What is it about having eyes and a tongue that makes him kill? What is it about not having them that stops him? Maybe the eyes I get (though he has ample opportunity to kill Annie even as a blind man), but the tongue doesn’t make much difference. It’s not like he was real chatty when he killed her. I’m not worried about the light, I’ll let that be the fantasy. But for this to feel complete I at least need to know why cutting his tongue out is even a thing that matters.
To be honest, you’d think he’d cut off his penis. But I don’t think you could have a floating penis arising from a vortex and not have people call it a pisser.
Right off the bat, a nitpick. You can’t see someone is deaf. Maybe you can see they’re blind, if they have cataracts or something. But you can’t see deaf until you observe the character’s actions (you know, I get to the end and he didn’t have to be deaf at all).
I thought that too at first, but then I noticed the writer make mention of a red and white cane. I Googled and lo and behold red and white canes are how we see a blind and deaf person. Whodathunkit?
From what I get from the story, he did need to be deaf as it is a see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil type of horror. The three wise monkeys. It has had philosophical, mystical and even religious connotations for centuries. I thought that was what stood out the most from this piece.
You're telling us he's deaf. Not sure how we're supposed to know this. If you didn't tell us I just would have assumed he was blind. You need to show us. Somehow. Not sure how but if it's important to the story it needs to be shown.
What does a "home-help nurses uniform" look like? Is it different from a regular nurse's uniform? Maybe it should be written on something. The name of her company or her position on her name tag or maybe a bag she carries.
Also on Pg. 1 - "Dracula" is balanced on ladder(s)?? He's on more than one ladder?? So he's putting lights up and I'm picturing him up by the edge of the roof stringing lights. He has one foot on one ladder, the other foot on a second ladder. Somehow Annie lets him smell her neck. Does she climb the ladder? I reread this a few times...was David in the car with her and it was David who smells her neck? The whole scene is very hard to picture. Make sure your descriptions make sense. Lots of confusing stuff that made me think way too much instead of moving on to the next page.
Okay, this was beyond confusing for me to picture. I went back and read some of the other comments and other people understood it so I tried again. Maybe I need more coffee because I still wasn't grasping what was going on.
Without other people talking to him, and him not responding, I'm wondering how the audeince is supposed to pick up the fact that he is deaf? Perhaps a loud noise he doesn't respond to?
On page 2 - I don't get where anyone is. Annie drives up - where is David? Who is the Vampire?
Why do they get crushed going in the door?
His knee strokes her? How small is this table?
How old is David in the flashback? Is this recent? Distant past?
Story wise, interesting premise, good gore. Still don't know why did the orb give him his parts back though. Perhaps, if this were a reoccurring thing he could be like "not again!" -- but how would he explain the fact that all his nurses go missing? And wouldn't the police come to investigate, and smell the bodies...
Wow! That is some sick sh*t. I didn't understand all the motivations behind the events. Annie and David's relationship. Annie is a live in home care giver that will also give him a handy periodically?
"Halfway in, they find themselves crushed against each other and David pauses to catch his breath." I didn't understand this. Was this an embrace of lovers or did they bump into each other entering the house or is David just out of breath from walking?
Does David remove his eyesight, hearing and speaking ability to prevent him from raping and killing his caregivers? If it only happens on Halloween that his senses are restored and he knows he is going to kill his caregivers, wouldn't he try to prevent that in the future? Wouldn't Annie's Frankenstein boyfriend figure out pretty quick what happened to Annie?
All in all, I enjoyed the story. It fit the theme. Putting aside my urge to understand the motivation of the characters (which isn't always needed), this was an entertaining story and I liked it. And, I sort of liked that I didn't understand everyone's motivations. It definitely left me thinking about it.
Write what you know, researched, or thought about once.
I get the feeling you don't know how perfectly a blind person's senses are, and also their detailed memories about places they've been or people they've met etc.
"His hand moves gently around her back, feeling the contours" ... guides him over.... No.
It's his own home and she helps him out of the jacket, leads him into the living room. The blind man needs to be washed?
I'm sorry, the whole blind man angle is out of your knowledge and control. You know I can imagine you have a twist, I skipped a bit forward to watch out for one, but, EVEN IF THERE'S AN EXPLANATION WHY DAVID COULDN'T EAT ALONE WITHOUT ANY HELP, as every blind man on earth can — IT'S TOO LATE AT THAT POINT "or they has to be a hint why he's not acting like a blind man."
Again, I'm sorry. This doesn't work for me. It somehow breaks with reality in a way it shouldn't for too loong, even if you have that needed explanation in the end...
Well, that was brutal. I'm not sure if I understood it all but I liked it. He's a serial killer that couldn't stop himself so he cut out his eyes and tongue. When the portal opened, he got them back and killed again? That's what I took from it, anyway.
At first it felt a bit unnatural that none of the characters spoke. I know it's all part of the challenge but it felt to me that the 'one character can speak limitation' had been wasted here. But when David finally speaks, it made a big impact and I probably wouldn't of known what was going on without it. Good work there.
Regarding the last comment. You have a valid point if he was like this from birth, or an early age. But in the flashback it clearly shows that he disfigured himself. I don't know how long it takes for a recently blind person to adjust, but he probably hasn't been like this for very long. It might of helped if the writer slipped an age into the flashback. I assumed it was about a year or two back, but wasn't certain.
Good work, overall. Unique, ruthless and very enjoyable.
Regarding the last comment: In my review, I twice referred to the fact that there might be an explanation. Still a commenter comes along and puts words out of the whole context of my review. Fine. So, I clear it up again, for the author, that it wasn't my fail as the reviewer above tries to explain,,,, and I 100% think the used method of this distraction's wrong with regards to our craft.
Sure in a script you can change things with a twist and make things understandable backwards. That doesn't work in any case. Let's say the author wanted to show he's not a skillful blind man yet, ok, then it's still unbalanced to show that for minutes. It's too close to reality and it doesn't work to let the audience ask for minutes why the blind man is helpless. They lose trust immediately and it's not clever and satisfying in the end to understand: Ah, now I know the reason why the man was disoriented for minutes and several scenes. Great.
It was important to me to make the author understand that imo it's a wrong story structure even if "she or he has an explanation". It's too close to reality and comes across as a rational mistake of the story; no matter if we learn it's not afterwards.
This kind of distraction, in its method, doesn't work for me Period
PrussianMosby. I wasn't having a stab at you in any way. Sorry if I offended you. I was just trying to point out something that some may of missed or not understood fully. I won't bother next time.
I'm pretty sure the author outed theirself on the title page. People who've been here longer than me might be thinking the same.
This was an interesting one and quite the take on the one character only dialogue concept. I really like the angle of controlling his urges or something forcing him and paying such a price to attempt to stop it. It falls kind of flat because it's not clear why though. What exactly made David do all of this and why did he have to remove his eyes, ears and the tongue?
I think a glance of what exactly forced him to do all of it would be a big benefit. Maybe show the voices (could be done without actual dialogue by showing a schizophrenic attack for example), visions of some sort? I'm not so sure about the tongue, really. If it could control his actions then it'd be in the brain.. which he could hear without needing ears anyway?
I'm not so sure about David not being able to find the food on his plate, looks like he's been blind for a while. He did manage to walk home all on his own judging from the opening scene, eating should be nothing compared to that. Unless he gets a kick out of being fed of course, which would be imo be a good angle to go with.
There's a lot of scene changing happening very quickly, I'm not sure how well this would transition to the screen.
Good work. I think it lacks in areas, but there's a great premise with a very interesting main character, it's creepy and has well handled challenge parameters.
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Very effective, nicely done. That said, the OWC calls for scripts that are 8-10 pages. Since there doesn't seem to be much dialog even from one character, little bit would not have hurt. On the other hand, I like the fact that the majority of the script relies on visuals. Could have sweatedout one more page or just a little more just to get past seven. I'd even suggest a little more good ol' white space if you really had to.
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