I think this is well written, but the horror is somewhat diminished by the weirdness -- which is fine, of course, it actually made it easier to read but as a film this might be only a bloody sort of curiosity.  

SPOILERS

I don't really understand why eyes and a tongue would cause David to behave monstrously when smell and touch did not.  Demonic eyes and tongue -- and teeth, perhaps...

The creepiness in every aspect of the story is powerful.  For me there was little emotional attachment to any of the characters so there's less drama, more visual shock.  
Considering the rules of this OWC I think this script is successful.

17.  Impropriety by Richard Layman - A deaf, dumb and blind man, reveals his true motivations to a nurse on Halloween night.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Impropriety’ I have no idea where this will be going, especially with a horror-fantasy genre. It seems more of a title for a Jane Austen book-film.
Sorta interesting opening sequence.
Interesting transition into portal/limbo.
Cool forced reconstitution. Gruesome!
And so he kills Annie?! Okay. I’ll just go with it.
Nice basement scene.
Nice eye-spooning.

Alrighty, then… ! Eh… ah… yeah… That happened. Not much of a story. Lotta good gruesome scenes after a kinda long intro. I missed where the “impropriety” part kicks in. Annie’s Frankenstein side biz didn’t really seem to have a strong motivating thrust to it.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make the title less coy, more direct.
- Cut the lengthy scenario intro.
- Add more to the reason that he murders the girls annually.

Your writing is visual, very visual. Pretty twisted stuff. It just wasn't clicking for me. I liked the way the story opened, but I was one of those readers who needed more to connect things at the end. Sorry.
David says "I tried." Tried to stop his actions? I'd like to see him try harder, give it a good effort to restrain himself. I could feel for a character that can't help himself. But I need to see the effort. The prayer wasn't enough for me.
Maybe Annie tries to escape which forces David to get aggressive.
You write that "tears fall from (Annie's) eyes as he tries to kiss her. I'm thinking, what if they are David's tears falling on Annie. Then I know he's tormented.
In the end he is what he is.
It was ambitious in a weird way and you do command the page. Not much else to say. I'm curious as to who wrote this piece. Once revealed, I don't want you in my neighborhood. Ha.

I read this before. Re-read it again.

My thoughts poured on to this thread:

This should be expanded.

Was David the Dracula character in the beginning? If so, need to mention it , since I didn't get it into Annie helped him in the house.

Why does he go all psycho over her at the end? She helped him and yet dies.

I guess it's a karma tale but I never got it. Keep working on it. Writing never stops. lol

Hope this helps.  

Dustin, I'm surprised I'm saying this, but as I do always say, I never have a problem coming clean.

I gave you a consider, and if not for a few misfires, I think I could have given you a recommend.

Good job here.

You know, as I started reading this, the thought crossed my mind that this one could be yours, Dustin. But the further I got into the story, I enjoyed the AHS vibes and its direction. Very different tone - as it should be - from the others script I read. Good luck with this, you have a good range of storytelling.

Thanks for the comments, but I must disagree that this script needs more. I stripped it down to only what is needed, so it takes reading it and perhaps understanding a little about the three wise monkeys.

Dracula and Frankenstein are simply extras, which is obvious as they get their own intro's. Not really my fault if the reader hasn't got that. Plus it is Halloween and it's nice to have those characters in it, even as a cameo.

The deaf, dumb and blind thing is explained with the red and white cane. Most (not all) deaf and blind people do not speak. So that explains the dumb description before we've seen inside his mouth. I remember one reviewer believing the definition of dumb was stupid. It also means one cannot speak.

In regards to a blind person needing help... it is not a case of needing it, but a person being kind enough to give it even when not required. I'll help remove an old person's jacket for them, or carry their bags and they don't need to be disabled in any way. Likewise with the food, the script does not say that she feeds him, but states she occasionally helps him. She's just being kind, which is what she's there for.

A home help nurse's uniform is usually a different colour to white, they can be blue, red or green but are normally blue.

He kills because he is a serial killer. He enjoys raping and killing but wishes he didn't. How many will know something is bad for them yet do it time and time again anyway? The morning after the night before is often a time where one swears they will never do it again! Then lo and behold, soon as the next full moon rises, we're at it again.

The gouging of the eyes etc is all metaphorical, likewise he gaining them back. Hence the title. It is about simple impropriety, only taken to an extreme.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dustin, I'm surprised I'm saying this, but as I do always say, I never have a problem coming clean. I gave you a consider, and if not for a few misfires, I think I could have given you a recommend. Good job here.

I wonder if you would have liked it if you knew I wrote it to begin with?

It has been something of an aim of mine to impress you with one of my shorts, even if it is just a little bit. Thanks mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I wonder if you would have liked it if you knew I wrote it to begin with?

LOL...hard to say, actually.  I try not to discriminate, but to be honest, I guess you never know.  Which is 1 reason I love the OWC's, as no one knows going in and eveyone can be/should be completely honest in their reviews.

[/quote]It has been something of an aim of mine to impress you with one of my shorts, even if it is just a little bit. Thanks mate.[/quote]

Well done.  Keep cranking 'em out.  Wish I had some interest in writing, but I can't seem to find it these days.  Hopefully soon.

This had some interesting elements.

I liked by the self mutilation angle with David as punishment for the (seeming) innate evilness inside of him. Or did he strike some pact with the dark lord?

Also, it was clever how when he's introduced, blindly walking through the streets unbeknownst to the world around him, both nefarious and derisive, that we automatically sympathize with his plight. Even when he is groping Annie we tend to dismiss it and cut him some slack because of his unfortunate circumstance. He's just a harmless old man, right? Grant him a cheeky fondle!

Of course this is all flipped on its head when we find out what's really going on. That was a neat sleight of hand, challenging our preconception like that, which I enjoyed.

I did wonder why he didn't just top himself altogether since he is clearly remorseful about the whole arrangement, these primal urges to harm others. Or does his master have some omnipresent wh#ay of preventing him from committing suicide? Why not chop off his hands or his dick for that matter since there was clearly a sexual element to his murderous side. Did you choose self eye gouging and de-tonguing so we could have that misleading intro? Or was was it symbolic? Or better still, a King Lear reference?

Also, why keep the corpses on his premises? Surely in the 12 months in which he is blind, especially with hope-help nurses occupying the house with him, he would definitely be found out. I appreciate you want to show David's list of previous conquests but why not have him drive out to some hidden, undisclosed location to dump them? That way you keep the shocking visual, get the ritualistic nature of it across and build up the tension some more.

Also, after the second or third time he blinds and de-tongues himself won't the hospital/authorities be like "Ok, man, why does this keep happening to you? And on Halloween night too?"

Anyway, this was an effective and disturbing piece. Tight, economical storytelling.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I did wonder why he didn't just top himself altogether since he is clearly remorseful about the whole arrangement, these primal urges to harm others. Or does his master have some omnipresent wh#ay of preventing him from committing suicide? Why not chop off his hands or his dick for that matter since there was clearly a sexual element to his murderous side. Did you choose self eye gouging and de-tonguing so we could have that misleading intro? Or was was it symbolic? Or better still, a King Lear reference?

Never really been a fan of Shakespeare. Hated it even as a youth. Yes, it's symbolic.

Quoted Text Also, why keep the corpses on his premises? Surely in the 12 months in which he is blind, especially with hope-help nurses occupying the house with him, he would definitely be found out. I appreciate you want to show David's list of previous conquests but why not have him drive out to some hidden, undisclosed location to dump them? That way you keep the shocking visual, get the ritualistic nature of it across and build up the tension some more.

I'm not sure that I can agree with you here. I don't feel how he gets away with it all year is important to this short. It's just a short, scary story that should provide some nice visuals along the way.

Quoted Text Anyway, this was an effective and disturbing piece. Tight, economical storytelling.

Thanks mate. Appreciate your efforts with the review.