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As a script this is a series of hurdles, but on film it could be exciting, funny and a cult classic.
Surreal, sure. The grandmother / grandfather, brown knight / black knight etc. make a venue of infinite possibilities. Think how difficult it would be to make a phone call in such a venue, even if you got a dial tone you wouldn't know for sure what it meant.
Jimmy being deaf works for the story, when he rolls his eyes at Cozco's inability to follow Jimmy's pointing finger to danger galloping towards them, there's a "you see what I have to deal with? welcome to my world" sadness in his weariness.
Cozco accepting his role as the knight is a good ending, good weariness in his sadness.
Not only is it confusing, but it reads as if the author is not a native speaker of English or French -- which makes for a truly surreal stew of random oddities.
The biggest objection you will get from me is the Holden Caulfield name-check. It is completely unjustifiable in this context. It adds no literary credibility, it is just lazy and unearned. Sorry to be harsh, but that book is one of my darlings, and you lost me then and there -- although I did read the entire script.
My apologies to this author, but having read several of the competing scripts, I can find nothing here to recommend this piece.
To find Jeff actually praising this one feels very disingenuous. I will be quite disappointed if you turn out to be the author, bro.
Something about the "This is absolute filth" line actually bothered me. I sorta took offense as a reader, like, "don't tell me how to feel about these people and what they're doing." I've never experienced that before reading anything else. I see a lot of people calling this a "pisser" and I'd imagine that would suck to see if this was something you meant to be taken seriously but I definitely got the feeling reading this that it was intentionally non-horror. As far as the story itself goes, I got lost or zoned out after a while because of the French accent stuff. The way it's written requires a lot of slowing down how fast you read because of the awkward phonetic pronunciation stuff. I'm probably going to come back to this one because there may be something great here that I'm not catching on a first read.
What the fuck did I just read?. The writing itself seemed decent, but I had to bail at page 4 for my sanity’s sake. I must admit - Jimmy stands at the edge, gazes down. A tear rolls down his cheek, which suddenly turns into a full fledge break dance. - made my day. But I couldn't bare much more.
“He points at his watch, mentioning the time.” I think you’d want ‘indicating’, otherwise it’s dialogue.
“He gestures to the bag. Mouths ‘open the bag right now, please’.” I get that it’s the criteria doing this, but it reads like he goes to pantomime school.
“A tear rolls down his cheek, which suddenly turns into a full fledge break dance.” Uh... okay. Lowering expectations… now.
You’ve got two people speaking and a crying break dance. Should I read on?
“When the doctors diagnosed her with cancer, I couldn’t help but cry. Namely because the doctor was a literal elephant but it was just-”
Alright, with that shoved into an immense dialogue paragraph I’m calling this a pisser and moving on. On the off chance that this was serious effort, all I have to say is…
20. Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco by Avant Garde - After having his money stolen, a high schooler finds solace in an idiopathic Frenchman from another world who may or may not be a hitman.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like… THAT I’m thinking foreign film with some subtitles would be good. Fortunately, I’m pretty kosher with subtitles; prefer to watch english-speaking films with subtitles, in fact. Language handled fine, but that opening sequence has some serious WTF-ery going on with it. A man with a ski mask in a public place other than a ski slope? O… kay. I’m chuckling at the preposterousness of that sign on Jimmy’s locker. Seriously?! The French hitman from the bar has come to nail the Principal? Okay. I’ll go with it. Night club flashback: HFS + WTF? Breakdance, eh? Pisser. “Oh, zhit! You’re la deaf?” Yeats? Black knight. Head on sword. Pisser. “ I can do a Joe Pesci impression!” Yeaaaah… It’s all courtesy to continue watching after this point. “They’re guarded by a LARGE BEHEMOTH-like MOTH.” Yeaaaah. FU2. Alright, congratulations. This was the first “film” I turned off before finishing. Pretty disappointing, really.
Suggested construct alternatives: - None. Silk purses and sows ears.
Okay, I thought the Frenchman, with his ski mask, making trouble in a strip club is an interesting start.
The school-scene was understandable too.
But then I couldn't follow anymore. When Jimmy joined the otherworld, I had a lot of problems with your pictures. There are people which look like people, but different anyhow, and also animals talking to each other. Okay. Then the knight came and I don't know if he's flying on his horse... The cave scene?
The dialogue was partly funny. I don't know why Cozco partly spoke English then changed to his broken way of speaking.
Anyhow: The increasing regularity of deficits here make me think if you aimed to write a script which content tries solely to work for imperfection; plot holes, character's which go out of line... If so, I would have liked to see this whole illogical plot with clear pictures. If it's not the case, there's not much existent finally. The approach of showing nonsense is interesting, but should have been done better with regards to the visuals imo.
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Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco - OWC
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