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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Reynard: Doors & Rings - OWC
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  Author    Reynard: Doors & Rings - OWC  (currently 4288 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Defined noun overload. Too many can cause a reader to abandon a sentence, loses clarity with the subject. Don't even get me started on that baby.  

This was a twisted tale, one that was surreal without actually telling it is. Seemed to be part of Lauren's plan? Or maybe not, can't wait to hear the writer's views on this. Marcus is fine where he is, by the dialogue, seems he has some acceptance issues or something. I liked the image of Reynard, the fox-man.

This felt rushed. Trim it down, give the reader a path of least resistance to the visual.
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Couldn't really get into this one. For me it didn't flow well. It felt rushed and choppy and Marcus got on my nerves really quick.

I know a lot of people like this style of writing but for us A.D.D. people. it's a rough ride. I just had a tough time visualizing it and ended up confused in parts.



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Last Fountain
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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An effectively disorienting atmosphere makes for a creepy story of revenge.

Strong emotional opening page. An urgent scenario unfolds – juxtaposed with the innocence of Trick-or-Treaters. Will Marcus get his just dessert? The dialogue on page 2 felt a bit much. Maybe consider limiting the dialogue. I like that he calls her selfish though. Brutal irony. The “fox man” appears out of nowhere. Interesting. Did her suicide(?) open a portal for him to enter our world? Marcus’ questions upon seeing Foxy could be just 1 – like “what?” or “And who the fuck are you?” That said, the fox-man visual concept is unique, compelling, strange, and unsettling. The most disturbing moment was Marcus watching his wife in the bath – letting her die (if I interpreted that correctly).

You created a mysterious otherworld. The ashen boy was creepy. As was his message. Again, I’d prefer no dialogue here. Maybe just a confused expression? Marcus talking of a little brat writing on the walls just didn’t work for me. Does he forget Lauren is dead? Or, maybe the dialogue is too obvious. Obvious works sometimes, maybe the obvious here should be “who was that kid?” I assumed it was Marcus as a child. But maybe it’s the mysterious Reynard? And when he sees Lauren, maybe he should wonder how this is possible. Or realize he is in limbo or some other nether realm.

I’m not sure I like the evil doppelganger stuff in the mirror. Maybe it’d be more interesting if the masked Reynard was really Marcus’ evil double? It would be creepy to see him remove the mask, revealing Marcus’.  The mysterious disorienting surreal qualities are effective (like the strange dimensions of the house). However, I would rather a more compelling motive or mission to the underworld. It seems like he let his wife die in the bath, he could have reached in and saved her. So why does he search limbo for her? Why does he want Lauren back?

For me, it would be more interesting if Marcus feels he made a mistake hitting his wife. He’s ashamed and furious at himself. When he finds her body in the bath, he crumbles. Maybe he kills himself to search the afterlife for his wife and bargain with the devil to spare Lauren. I think a battle in Limbo to repent and correct mistakes is a more emotional driving force. And it makes more sense to excuse his entrance into the otherworld.

As is, I am confused on what actually happened by the end. I assume Reynard tricked Marcus into a swap.  I guess Lauren had this twisted revenge planned out before. Her death opened a portal that swallows her abusive husband. I was also expecting something disturbing in the baby reveal – since it cried surreal throughout. The rings also confused me. I suppose a vow is made, and when it is broken there are drastic consequences. Maybe Lauren made a secret vow herself - to Reynard or the devil?

A more internal approach. The scariest idea here is the horror a man is capable of against a loved one.  ** (out of 5)


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Gum
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I'll be honest, I was as lost in this as Marcus was in the house, forever chasing beings that never materialized into anything tangible, at least, not tangible enough to grasp onto, or the ability to properly analyze what was happening. The constant repetition of said crying baby didn't help either, except to maybe move the story along as something sinister that is yet to be told to the reader.

That being said, it did have a nice surreal quality to it that made me want more in a sense to find out what actually transpired. The elaborate use of smoke and mirrors, endless hallways, and ethereal beings draws up (in my mind) movies such as; The Others, The Woman in Black, etc.

I view the rings as painting an eerie picture of love disenchanted;  an infinite looping of emotions and life that move in their own direction out of synchronization, while the mirrors add to the realm, both the physical and through the portal, a sense of eternal space and a virtual dimension.

Somehow locked within the concept of this story is Marcus moving within eternal circles, grasping at things that may or may not truly exist within the walls of the home. There was no definitive description of the house either. I get a sense it might be gothic and eclectic, but not grand...  perhaps late 19th century inner city... smaller, yet full of unnecessary twists and turns.

I really liked the portal concierge, Reynard.  I think the way he looks or would appear moving within the shadows... would translate well on screen.  Decent effort...
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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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I liked the beginning here and the ending. I got this - they switched the places with Marcus, Marcus got lost in the otherworld.

It's a bit confusing in the middle and I couldn't understand the rings story. I don't know how they helped Reynard and Renard to switch places with Marcus. I don't even know what Reynard, Renard, Dark Lauren mean - is there four of them or only two? I think there's a mess needed to be cleaned. Otherwise it's a good cohesive story with a fullfiling ending.

I also wish you got rid of exclamation points. And maybe you will when you clean the dialog in the rewrite.
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stevemiles
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Feels like the writer started with a decent (and suitably surreal) concept but couldn’t quite convey that idea onto the page to a satisfactory conclusion.  I couldn’t understand how Marcus would go from the apparent reality of finding his (abused) wife dead in a bathtub to chasing ghost children and a fox man around the house while some alternate reality plays out around him -- with no real moment of ‘woah, WTF?’

Plenty of imagination on display -- maybe one to come back to with a thorough reworking.  An idea like this needs a lot of clarity to pull off -- it just seems too rushed as presented.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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wonkavite
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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I think this one's got alot of potential - although it's not quite there yet.

As with almost everything I've read thus far, I get the sense that a solid, competant writer wrote this one.  I love some of the lines, such as: Marcus stands there under the
weight of pros and cons.  Masterful phrasing, there.

I think this one's longer than it needs to be.  It really gets confusing and bogged down with the twists and turns, when it's really a very simple (and potentially very effective) story: ie: an abusive husband is forced to change places with the wife that he's just driven to suicide.  If/when you rewrite this one, I'd personally take out alot of the window dressing.  (Maybe keep Reynard.)  But get rid of most of the ghosties...

Keep it simple. One potential idea: Since Marcus is now in limbo, perhaps he'll hear the giggles from children in the family that moved in after he died (usually time is pretty warpable for ghosts.)  Something like that, anyway.  My thought.  There's alot that you can do with this one... you just need to make it more straightforward and gothic!  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Couldn't really follow this one.

I liked the dark, creepy feeling when the house changed but somewhere around page 6 I became lost and didn't care too much for the story.

I only skimmed through the rest as my head began to hurt.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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REYNARD: DOORS & RINGS

Hello,

what to say.

It's my favorite so far.

A great performance and a deep psychological Horror adventure experience, for me.

When places reflect the characters' inside, fears, cause chaos,
when places change, places become alive anyhow, characters change, disappear, visual distraction- that always has a powerful impact to me. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the possibility that everything can happen next, really everything.

It's all about trust. I thank you for serving from another perspective. You went a high risk.

By the way, I think, the dark Marcus needs dialogue too. It would be heavy if they would scream toward each other while all the other stuff is already going insane. Sure, wasn't possible because of the challenge's rules.

Running around corners without really moving forward, the fox-man, definitely David Lynch would applause and get some fun here.

Well that was the black hut or the White one- don't know -- Horror in da house.

High risk, well done. Great.



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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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I don’t like the way Marcus keeps repeating her name – it feels unnatural but maybe that’s just me.

“bruised black eyes cloaked in indifference” I’m not quite sure what this means? I get that she has a couple of black eyes – what’s the “indifference” part mean?

“Marcus stands there under the weight of pros and cons.” We understand this, but the way it’s written is poor IMO. We don’t really understand their situation yet, so this is meaningless to us. I don’t understand what the pro and con’s are yet? What does Marcus gain in her death?

“Marcus heaves Lauren’s drenched lifeless body” That was quick! Looks like he made his decision – is all this happening too fast? I don’t understand why he moves the body into the bedroom? Could look suspicious.

Dialogue isn’t the best at the moment – Marcus talks too much at the moment. Wouldn’t mind seeing how he reacts rather than rambling on.

“His confusion smolders into aggression.” You keep telling us how Marcus is feeling – it kinda feels like a Yoda speech – despair leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads you to the dark side. I just wish you would be visual rather than telling us everything.

“closet shadows.” Shadows? Isn’t the room dark?

“the bedroom.” The writing is pretty tight, but there are some small things like this that could be cut out. We already know we’re in the bedroom – watch out for repeating slugs that are unnecessary.

“an empty hallway.” Same thing here – this one actually made the sentence have a pesky orphan – Oh my God – I’m turning into Jeff!

“the ghost” What ghost? Have I missed something?

“Lauren... ?! Lauren... !” He won’t even leave the poor girl alone in death! And how many times has he said her name – this is going for a record.

“Elsewhere in the house the surreal baby WAILS.” Seems like there is some copy and paste writing going on at the moment – I almost feel like bailing because it’s lazy writing IMO. Maybe you didn’t realize but it looks repetitive and just isn’t good for the reader to see the same line over and over again.

“A corrupted Dark Marcus.” Told you about the dark side. Original Marcus is hardly a saint. Aren’t they both dark?

“Renard.” Who? This has got so confusing with dark woman, Reynard and children – it’s very hard to follow who is doing what, and to whom at the moment.

This story fell apart very quickly and it’s mostly to do with the writing – it became so confusing what was happening and what the actual plot was? It seems like Marcus got trapped in the otherworld in the end, destined to chase ghost children around for eternity.

I’m not going to go too much into this one because I didn’t understand it to be fair. I think this one needs to be set-up more clearly so we understand the dynamics of the Marcus/ Lauren relationship. I couldn’t root for either,

Lauren takes her own life and in turn, leaves a baby with his (abusive?) father. If Marcus had killed Lauren, then we would be more on her side. I would also change the ending and have Lauren calm the baby, showing us that she’s overcome Marcus and now she and the baby can be happy without him.

The dark Marcus, Reynard and the chasing of ghost children around the hallway needs a rewrite because it’s so unclear at the moment. I think I got the gist of this story but how it came about was unclear to me. Needs work.
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SAC
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

So, I'm assuming that, in the end, Marcus gets sent to this other world in exchange for Lauren?

The biggest issue I had here was that it wasnt as clear as it could have been. Also, there were alot of characters running around. Marcus, Dark Marcus, Lauren, Dark Lauren, Reynard, ghost children... It kinda got muddled for me after awhile, and I think needlessly so.

Of what significance were the rings? I know they had some exchange value, but why? Why did Reynard have to be a fox-like creature? It felt like you got unnecessarily cute with your characters when, had you played it more straight up, could've been used to greater effect. Ok, I see now... The fox was the fantasy part. But still... I don't know. And biggest question -- you mentioned that baby wailing several times throughout. Did you ever explain why or did I just miss that?

Anyway, a good try here but misses the mark for me. Your tension was supplanted by more of a "what the heck is going on here?" type thing. I always feel a writer can chop off action blocks and dialogue to make their stories clearer. This is no exception.

Steve


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c m hall
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This could be an entertaining film, lots of surprises.

This has a pleasing complexity to it -- there's a feeling of urgency (sounds of baby crying), horrific despair (Lauren), scary anger (Marcus) and fantasy (Reynard, a welcome sight).

I like the ending very much; Lauren, accidentally rescued, spits out her troubles and Marcus stays in a nice, never ending chase (his own tail? why not.)

EDIT
Also, there's real drama in the balance between the Dark Characters' trickery vs. Marcus's righteous indignation.  We get caught up in it.  It makes Lauren's return to life especially stunning and wonderful.  I think this is a terrific script.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  November 11th, 2014, 1:08pm
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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29.  Reynard: Doors & Rings by Dark Stanley - An abusive husband pushes his wife to extreme action only to have him pursue her return from a world he belongs in.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Reynard: Doors and Rings’ I’m expecting some cryptic twisty-turny shenanigans to go on in who-knows-what kind of environment.
Tense opening sequence.
Bastard. Pick up the rings first?!
Curious fox-man image.
Creepy ghost laughter and boy. Nice environment.
Crazy hallways in this dark house, eh?
This is effing crazy world. Surreal.
Haunting images in the mirror.
This place is weird.
Marcus is betrayed. Nice.
Did Lauren lure Marcus to the dark world on purpose? Looks like it. Cool.

Meh… eh… Not really HORROR horror, just pretty creepy and weird

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make it more horror less creepy weird dependent.



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MattD
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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If Marcus is in another realm already, why is there a dark version of him in a mirror in said realm? At least I think he's in another realm. There don't have to be rules to these sorts of things but it seemed odd. It all worked out though. Pretty good stuff but not an easy breezy read.  I'm with some of the other folks here, the surreal baby needed a proton pack pacifier or something.
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