The concept behind this was solid, if familiar.  A book of untold power being passed along and pursued from one generation to the next.  But there wasn't a main character to prop the story up.  And tonally, it felt off.  I personally think it would have worked better if, instead of the Indy/Lara cave adventure, the action should have remained at the Carswell home so we could delve deeper into the power of the book.  As it's written now, we have no idea what's in the book, why it holds so much power or even why Jenna has to return it.

Final line didn't make much sense to me.  

"With Jenna’s voice the Beast mouthes ‘Bring it back’."

The beast is telling the same Egyptian boy from the beginning to "bring it back?"  Where?  I'd think the beast would want to keep it for himself.  Also, is the beast saying the line, or mouthing it?  If it's mouthing the line, how are we supposed to hear Jenna's voice?  I think the writer was trying to squeeze around the rules of the challenge, but couldn't quite make it work.  

SPOILERS

There's an excellent moment when the people in the cave hear Juan's gun belatedly fall, good set up in that scene, startling and scary.

I was confused when Francis jumped into the water and Marcus hesitated and was pulled upward.  Marcus survives? Francis does not? I wanted to know what had happened there.

This would be a treat for a gifted cameraman to film since the scenery and atmosphere are so important to the story.

The element of horror at the end would be intensified if the audience could be made to care about Jenna, since the previous characters died off so quickly it's difficult to invest any emotional attachment even to her, but you almost succeed -- although if the intention is to  demonstrate a shocking transformation of a human (any human) to monster, then you do, certainly, succeed.

A rollicking adventure spanning decades.

This was obviously inspired by INDY and THE MUMMY. I was missing the scares though. Those 2 films mentioned had their bonified moments. This veged into supernatural with violence. It lacked more obvious connections to the challenge parameters. I could imagine the portal is the door behind levers, and perhaps that night Jenna opens it is Halloween, but I don't feel you clarified that.

So, that said, this was an epic adventure filled with excitement. I liked the energy and tight descriptions. I think a better relic would help. The book makes me think what's in it that's so important. It begs questions that make this story confusing. Why send back a bookt hat instructs others to then bring it back?

The imagery overshadows the storytelling here. I liked the montage approach of jumping through time. It really makes the relic feel mysterious and important. I wish you delivered more on the reveal or hinted at the nature of book. I loved the ship and White Cliffsmof Dover. And now that awesome song is in my head. Um, thank you? For the most part the 1 speaker stuff worked for me. Jenna instruting her crew. Good stuff. The devil talk? Not really.  I liked the 2 finger stuff. Maybe devil can just point Egyptian teen to the exit with that hand vs talking with Jenna voice. Maybe a better creature design would also help keep this more original.

Super exciting adventure. Iffy with challenge parameters though. Light on horror. **1/2 (out of 5)

Quoted from Last Fountain **1/2 (out of 5)

What is that score Daniel? A half a point out of five?? Or do the asterisks count as two points??
Just curious. Hmm, probably two and half - wasn't clear to me.

Quoted from Last Fountain A rollicking adventure spanning decades. This was obviously inspired by INDY and THE MUMMY. I was missing the scares though. Those 2 films mentioned had their bonified moments. This veged into supernatural with violence. It lacked more obvious connections to the challenge parameters. I could imagine the portal is the door behind levers, and perhaps that night Jenna opens it is Halloween, but I don't feel you clarified that. So, that said, this was an epic adventure filled with excitement. I liked the energy and tight descriptions. I think a better relic would help. The book makes me think what's in it that's so important. It begs questions that make this story confusing. Why send back a bookt hat instructs others to then bring it back? The imagery overshadows the storytelling here. I liked the montage approach of jumping through time. It really makes the relic feel mysterious and important. I wish you delivered more on the reveal or hinted at the nature of book. I loved the ship and White Cliffsmof Dover. And now that awesome song is in my head. Um, thank you? For the most part the 1 speaker stuff worked for me. Jenna instruting her crew. Good stuff. The devil talk? Not really.  I liked the 2 finger stuff. Maybe devil can just point Egyptian teen to the exit with that hand vs talking with Jenna voice. Maybe a better creature design would also help keep this more original. Super exciting adventure. Iffy with challenge parameters though. Light on horror. **1/2 (out of 5)

That's both the strength and the inherent weakness of the piece.

I think it's a good idea..The Devil sets up an eternal chase for "The Secret" and all that secret does is lead them back to him and to their deaths. It's good.

Just felt a little anti-climatic after all that running round. It's the type of ending that would work better with a more mystery approach...where the person discovering the secret is more intellectual.  Something like the Ninth Night or Number 23.  

When you have high-octane action, you tend to need an ever higher octane ending. Otherwise it falls flat. IMHO.

This one's different, that's for sure...but not all that different from scenes from numerous movies, already mentioned.

Does this fall within the challenge?  Even a little bit?  I don't think so, and I don't think the writer really even tried to make it so.

Other than the obvious movies mentioned, this reminds me so much of a small piece of a sprawling video game.  Bottom line, IMO, this is not a subject you can tackle in 10 pages...not even close.

Too many characters and no real main Protag to root for.  This is the death knoll always, and here, it serves as a perfect example.

Writing is OK, but as Johnny said, there ar numerous mistakes, awkwardness, and I agree, the right margins seem to be extended incorrectly.

Althouhg I do see some thought here, it's not executed properly and this one will quickly be forgotten.

Holy huge budget! LOL.

I liked how you showed Jessup traveling from ship to carriage. Then the book taken at the carriage followed by an excellent time transition with liver spots on the same very recognizable hand then Jenna from 5 to 40. Very well done there. The visuals in this piece were awesome. But for me, it lacked character depth and story.

I think this suffers from "trying to be too awesome syndrome". This is a huge story for only 10 pages. Without a doubt it has feature potential. I love it when that happens. I hope you expand it!!

On a tech note...what's up with your left margin? It's over way too far.

SPOILERS

These circular stories of Hell tend to need a foundation of morality -- they feel a little pointless without it. There's something interesting in Jenna being gifted the book rather than killing for it -- the only one of the line of damned souls to do so -- but this isn't really addressed in any way.

I guess what I'm saying is, we'd need to know something about Jenna and her moral stakes for this to be anything other than hollow adventurism. That said, the adventuring is great, even if it's impossible not to think of sweaty Alfred Molina yelling "Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip!" Lots of fun stuff in here.

Nothing wrong with a little voyeuristic enjoyment of the damned -- that the saintly types (which the film viewer always is, of course) "may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly," as Thomas Aquinas so charmingly put it. But it's all the more fun if we have a clear sense that they kinda deserved it (Drag Me to Hell?) or that they definitely didn't (Absentia)...or, at least, what kind of mechanism put them there.

On p7 you have "he puts her on her side" - I think you better write "marcus puts Jenna on her side".

This was about the book. At first I thought it was the Bible.

I think you should let us know what book you're talking about. We don't know much about the characters, we don't know anything about the book - but we need to sypmathise and care, which is hard to do since you don't let us into the story and I think  you need to do that early on. The earlier the better.

A bit too many characters for me. You started with the Teenager and Jeesop. Then switched to Jenna and Juan. Then there are Marcus and Francis.

I wish you started with Jenna, let us know what the book was about - otherwise the story is a bit spread out for me.

LC...

Just an explanation on the rating system. The * are stars. I should have clarified that. So 2.5 stars for spiral. I considered the challenge parameters while rating. Most movies are 3 for me.... so good bordering on average.

1 bad, 2 okay, 3 good, 4 impressive, 5 excellent or damn near perfect. Hope this helps...

Dan

Is it just me or do the margins seem a bit off?

Strange how the first slug has a wealth of information but the following ones are far more vague, and then back again.  I'd like to see a bit more continuity.

There's a lot to take in for 10 pages, a lot of action and so I didn't really feel any tension.  Similarly there are too many characters who appear and are gone a page later which meant I didn't care about them.  I think setting Jenna out as the Protagonist at the start could help remedy this.

Not much horror except for the final scene and it left me a bit confused.  

It was written pretty solidly with only a few instances where it read awkward.

A little more description at the outset would have helped locate the story in time; until Jessop turned up I was thinking this was a period piece -- sword and sandals as they say.  If it better fit the challenge I might be inclined to dig deeper into the story, but as written it feels like a longer idea adapted to fit the constraints.

That said there’s a simplicity to the writing that works -- a few trip ups here and there but nothing to really detract.  Some interesting ideas, and plenty of imagination behind this but it felt more action adventure with a dash of horror thrown in.  Little clear reference to the ‘otherworld’ and Halloween time-frame.  

On a minor note that’s one very long and specific slug to open on.

INT. CELLAR STRONGROOM - ROYAL PALACE - DAY

Would work, followed by a -- SUPER: CAIRO, EGYPT… etc.

Fun idea but not for me.

Quite the epic tale I must say, and you have a fairly good grasp on how to use page 'Real Estate', for lack of better phrase, to pack in all the necessary info.

Spanning decades and the globe definitely put this out of the park as one of the more elaborate/creative entries I've read.  Not entirely sure it fits the parameters put forth regarding Halloween, sundown, etc; but I enjoyed it.

Solid writing, great use of descriptors, and works good for the Horror/Fantasy genre.

Well done, a bitch to make a short film budget, but well done. i liked the writing, liked the bit of creature feature/Lara Croft-y feel. I'm assuming the portal is in the cave, although I'm not all sure. It also does not take place on Halloween. Deserrbes a rewrite, perhaps even an expansion to feature length.

Tough call for me. It would be on a shortlist on voting if it fir the parimiters, and it doesn't quite get there. Good job on writing though.

So far, my favorite script.  Does it fit within the guidelines?  No, I wouldn't say it does - not at all.  There's no specific trade between two worlds, and no limit to the time frame, either.  Also, the story went on a *touch* too long.

That said, THIS one was entertaining.  Well written, with an interesting time twist at the end.  Hella-mega budget to produce - with definite Indiana Jones/Lara Croft influences, but I'm rather glad I read this one.  

PS: great reference on the pseudonym!