I love the beginning only because it’s the epitome of start late. It’s smart, recognizing that a full page of some kid sword fighting soldiers would be meaningless at this stage. Small point: I think the box should open on the upswing, as a reaction to nothing. It wants to be wanted.

I loved this. From the outset I could tell this was not a story about people. I think that’s fine, especially in a short (though the book could’ve traded hands even more perhaps?).

So, shifting protagonists, a long journey to an uncertain goal and finally an ending that seems to imply an endless sisyphean struggle. Nothing’s explained and I’m sure that’s the point (the spiral, so to speak). Looking through the comments, I suppose this’ll have to be my own personal ‘cult classic’. But if I’ve correctly guessed what you were going for, you nailed it.

Congrats.

34.  Spiral by Hieronymush Bosch - Within its pages lie some of mankind's best kept secrets. Many try to gain it. Many will fail.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Spiral’ I’m expecting a twisty-turny tale. Enthrall me.
Excellent opening scene. No dilly-dallying about.
Nice turn of events with the arrows and such.
Lovely adventure changes in scenery.
Cool bats. Nice monster suggestion. Oh! And another! Nice.
(Writer, you need a refresher course on CPR and choking victim rescue.)
Love everyone trying to get the book. Great MacGuffin.
Bubbling lava! Ha! Only in HWood.
Googled “HiBosch”, got nothing but power tools.
Hmm… well… that was pretty cool and entertaining. Will make for a good one-and-done short film, which is what I warned about these twist endings.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- The story’s pretty entertaining “as is”, no honest need for any big changes.  However, if you wanna amp it up a bit I’d have ownership change hands every page, but I understand there’s only so many elements you can cram into the final twist where each of the successive owners have come into play, so maybe a owner-per-page isn’t such a great idea, in which case the pacing of the current ownership would benefit from some evening out. As is, the story begins rapid then draws down to a pretty tedious crawl with each complication towards a return to the beginning, albeit in a different locale.
- Suggest the final location in the preceding pages, suggesting that at some point the book & beast cycle through several source points.

Spiral

Hello,

There's not a deep connection to Halloween. But I think it's Okay, in the end you just can take the craft and creativity given to you during the short timeframe.

It's imaginative, the locations are extraordinary. I loved the fact we get to know the protagonist so late.

A lot reminded me to Sleepy Hollow, Indian Jones and Lara Croft.

Again, the locations are a beautiful composition for an adventure.

Concerning story it just came to my mind that I missed the men's motivation to follow Jenna in the part when it's finally getting dangerous; around here:

JENNA
Nothing we can do for him now.

Why should they make that sacrifice? It was about money I guess? - they just looked a bit undeveloped in this moment when they decided to walk on rather than running away.

Maybe the ending was kind of a Pandora's Box element. The evil gave the box to the humans; so that they lose their lives fighting each other till the box will be replaced by the evil again- I guess you leave it a bit to our interpretation, so that's how I saw it; and I liked it.

After telling you my sympathy for the story, I have to say that it's just that- a story - and that's a problem here. Would be a great short film but with regards to the market's reality it's more of a  template for a feature film, an adventure book, or simply a literary short story or even a computer game story line, anything else but a short film.
Kudos for your imaginative vision; imo it would only need another form or vessel where you can put that in.

Thanks to all who read this. Especially thanks to those that liked it. Well done. You can have biscuit with your tea. The rest of you can wait outside in the rain, and keep it down out there, I'm watching a film.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Really liked this one. You sketched out the history of the book excellently, writing crisp and flows really well.

Now this is how to do it. Keep going...

Quoted from JonnyBoy Great opening image, particularly liked the cave sequence, very Indiana Jones / Lara Croft. Had Jessica Chastain in my head for Jenna. But --

Oh don't. You were doing so well there for a bit. I was really enjoying it.

Quoted from JonnyBoy *SPOILERS* -- rather like the ending of Lost,

Jesus. It wasn't that bad. I loved Lost. But the end is a proper cop out. I think I'd be less offended if you dropped your trousers.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I'm not sure the pay-off quite lived up to what went before. It's so hard to come up with a solution to the mystery that makes people not think 'Is that it?' To me, the reveal of the Beast felt unimaginative compared to the great work that had gone before.

You may have a point there.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Perhaps its best if we too never know where the directions in the book lead? I understand you were going for a loop at the end, but must admit exactly how it worked was lost on me (may be my fault). Also, the two missing fingers - was the Beast actually Carswell? How does that work?

Well, it works because if you imagine... Oh, I dunno. If I explain it it's like being shown how to do a magic trick. Afterwards you wonder why you asked.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I'd love it if the writer would explain the ending once who wrote what is revealed. I know who I think it is... but yeah, great work. My favourite so far.

No chance, sonny.

Did you know it was me?

Quoted from JonnyBoy EDIT: having subsequently read others' comments, I suppose they do have a point that this script doesn't really fit the criteria of the OWC - which has to count against it, as we were all writing to a brief.

Naturally I disagree. I thought it fit as snugly as my underpants. As long as I stay calm.

Quoted from JonnyBoy However, I still found it very entertaining - there's a good writer at work here. Well done, you rebel.

Thank you very much, JB.

R

Quoted from LC This has a Tomb Raider, Raiders Of The Lost Arc feel to it - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well quite. Hmmm, I always thought it was ark with a k. Raiders Of The Lost Curve does sound more interesting.

Quoted from LC Excellent use of horror and fantasy combined - gore kicks in right of the bat. Nothing to complain about really - obviously a seasoned writer.

Absolutely. Although 'seasoned writer' does sound like a euphemism for a drunken hack.

Quoted from LC It I had anything to nitpick...

Oh don't. It was all going swimmingly.

Quoted from LC ... it would be that there was no real character I connected with on a real emotional level but fine work nevertheless and meets the challenge well.

Oh alright. But as you rightly say - it did meet the challenge well. Even if I do say so myself.

Quoted from LC P.S. Funny, just noticed Jonny drew the same comparisons as I did. And I hadn't read his review prior to posting.

What's that thing about great minds? Oh yes, they all like my writing.

R

Quoted from DS First read of the OWC -

No finer place to start.

Quoted from DS My thoughts: Good action lines, I could visualize everything well. Good location choice.

This is brilliant. Do keep going...

Quoted from DS The story didn't do much for me though.

Oh dear.

Quoted from DS I think the dialogue rule wasn't handled great on this one. Jenna being the only person to talk in a group of people venturing a cave together seems a bit so-so, but fine.

So so, but fine? You mean like most of Tom Cruise's films? And Greggs pies?

I thought the dialogue rule was handled with style, nay, panache. With skill. And cunning. I would go on, but I think you get the idea by now.

Quoted from DS The lazyness cuts in when everyone in Jenna's group is dead and the "thinking out loud moments" pop up. The "I told him so" moment is especially cringy.

I doubt there's a 'y' in laziness. I would look it up, but I can't be arsed.

Especially cringy? You've obviously never read my poems. Or seen me dance.

Quoted from DS The dialogue rule is pretty much broken in the end with another character speaking.

Nope. You completely misunderstood. Stretched, yes, like my underpants. But not broken. Unlike my back window. I must fix that.  

Quoted from DS My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen.

Everything just seemed to happen? You mean like a plot? Lots of stuff happens. You may not like it. It appears you didn't understand it. But that is the plot.

I think you mean something else by this, but far be it from me to pull you out of the hole you're digging. Perhaps it's a plot in a graveyard.

Quoted from DS We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about.

I know! I was watching Memento the other day. They didn't explain anything! I had to think about it, for ages. No wonder the living room is such a mess. And that sock still isn't dry.

Quoted from DS The characters always knew more than the audience and that never really changed, not even in the end.

I think the word you're scrambling for here is 'mystery'.

Quoted from DS With a really high death count in the script, no one's felt important. Considering the huge mystery that could surround the cave and the book, a beast simply being there and everyone dying doesn't come off as a very strong ending.

It's not just a beast. It's the beast. A cow is just a beast. The bloke down the road who complains about the noise is a beast. I used to have a girlfriend who used to call me a beast. I thought at first she was referring to my sexual prowess. Sadly she was referring to the mess in the bathroom.

Quoted from DS Is the teenager the same teenager from Cairo years ago or another one? While the name is in caps, the name is still "teenager" with the exact same character description, confusing.

Or genius.

Quoted from DS I didn't enjoy this one much, sorry.

No shit.

R

Quoted from bert I liked the twisty nature of this one.  Not sure it really went anywhere, but I liked it nevertheless.

Bloody hell... a review from Bertie. With a fairly nice start too.

I'm just going to look at the window to see if it's a blue moon. Nope.

Right, I'll try not to be too silly.

Quoted from bert You kind of knocked it out of the park budget-wise, but a fun read, although maybe a bit too reminiscent of Indy on a few occasions.

I believe so. Tomb Raiderish as well, by some accounts. I didn't intend it that way. I thought it far more serious. Those franchises are are so big it'd be hard to do this type of thing without those coming to mind. As for budget, I'll discuss this if a producer comes along. I shan't be holding my breath.

A fun read - a higher compliment I could not hope for with this.

Quoted from bert The opening scene wastes a bit of time when it should be moving fast.  One hack from the sword opens the box, one shot from the shotgun seals the deal.  That sort of thing.

I see your point here. But I was trying to make it not so easy, and to set a certain tone. I had a good guess at the way others would approach the challenge, so I was trying, as I usually do, to be different from the pack.

Nevertheless, you're probably right.

Quoted from bert The missing fingers were an excellent device to drive your story forward.  The first time they came back, I liked it.  The second time they came back, I liked it even more.

Now you're talking. Do keep going, I'm getting excited.

Quoted from bert It is kind of odd how it morphs suddenly into Jenna's story about midway through -- lots of quick scenes, then suddenly we are spending all of our time with her.  The pacing feels odd.

Yeah. I can kinda see that. I liked it though. I can see the comparisons to other films, but the story felt fresh to me.

Quoted from bert As for dialogue, only one person is tough to accomplish, but looking at this, I think you could give Jenna even less dialogue than you have.  Though the final sentence must be spoken, of course.

I think you're probably right there too.

Quoted from bert On the whole, not bad at all.

Fantastic. Glad you feel that way. I did work hard on this, so I appreciate your thoughts very much.

R

Ren

I liked the Indiana Jones feel to this and the passing of the book from one opportunist to the next, reminded of that immortal opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the greedy Alfred Molina gets his comeuppance by snatching the artifact only for Indy to be on hand to re-balance the books.

The action moved so fluidly that I didn't even realize no one spoke until Jenny took up the "legacy" and continued to be the only talker for the duration of the script, which I know was part of the challenge's criteria. That's a testament to the frenetic pace, changing locales and changing hands, good job with that.

I wondered how Carswell knew about Jessop possessing the book and was able to track him down in order to ambush him but I get you can't divulge too much in such a short piece. I did like how he whistled at him to get his attention though before arrow-ing him between the eyes, nice touch there.

However, my understanding of the story from Jenny onward is a little fuzzy. She inherits the book and waits over 35 years to follow up on it, why? It looked like she had the money, why not hit the trail come 18? Are you suggesting that it took that long to decipher? Also, I wondered about Craswell's wealth. I take it the book had some bearing on it, a Faustian pact out on some North to South Midwestern highway perhaps but it’s not elaborated on and that's ok, no time.

So Jenna goes on the search with a crew of suitably louche gents. We're back in Indy territory again. They enter the ominous cave, avoid traps with the guidance of the book while the hasty (and hesitant) get picked off one by one. I did like how it looked as if Jenna was the latest casualty and the baton was to be passed to Marcus but that was quickly reversed, which is cool too.

Anyway, she gets to the red room, faces the beast who effectively punishes her for, I presume, being corrupted by the book, following its trail with the hope of riches or whatever but the impression is given that Carswell is somehow embodied in the beast (two missing fingers) How is that? Because he didn't go in search of the book’s secrets? Is that also why he attained the wealth, he held up his end of the bargain? He was a gatekeeper of sorts.

If so, why didn't he pass on this rather vital piece of cautionary information to Jenna who we have to assume was close to him as she witnessed his final moments and he appeared to entrust her with the ungodly tome? In fact, are they meant to be father and daughter?

Given the name of the script and the reappearance of the loincloth clad teenager at the end there is an element of re-occurrence, a cyclical, self repeating duty wedded to the book. It gives the feeling that we have gone back to the beginning and the process may start again with a new list of interested parties awaiting. Which to me is an interesting idea, a clever bookend.

Also, what is the significance of the beast taking on Jenna voice? Why would she be absorbed into it, didn't she essentially fail? Or was it just to stay within the parameters of the challenge? Plus, why didn't you write it as dialogue?

In terms of the challenge's guidelines, I thought you might have a reference to it being the 31st of October at some point, even if it was just a shot of the calendar or something. Did you ever plan to include a pointed allusion?

Anyway, enough questions and sorry if I’m repeating others and maybe, most likely actually, I’m way off the mark with my conclusions.

Col.

Col,

A fine review.

I'll respond to it, in time. Sometimes you hit the proverbial nail square on. Like Coogan and Brydon impressions. Apologies, I've just been watching A Trip To Italy. Even I do a better Tom 'Bane' Hardy impression. Victory has defeated you.

In the meantime I'll be doing my smartarse routine in order. Or perhaps not.

R

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Very reminiscent of Indiana Jones. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Indeed.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Enjoyed the action/adventure aspect but overall though it left me a little cold. Felt like a lot of effort to get nowhere.

Oh well.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I gather that's kind of the point, just an endless chase after the Devil's power, but it was unsatisfying after such a long trip through history/geography then specifically through the caves.

It was the point. Like chasing ghosts. Or climbing a mountain. Pity you didn't find it staisfying. I did.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I didn't get any idea of it being October the 31st when the portal opened, or of it closing at sunrise. Maybe just me that missed it.

Erm, no. I thought it went without saying. When those beasts came out of the cave - that was it. They don't do that every weekend you know.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Good effort. Rick.

Spot on.

R