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Spiral by Hieronymush Bosch - Short, Horror - Within its pages lie some of mankind's best kept secrets. Many try to gain it. Many will fail. (R ) - pdf, format
Really liked this one. You sketched out the history of the book excellently, writing crisp and flows really well. Great opening image, particularly liked the cave sequence, very Indiana Jones / Lara Croft. Had Jessica Chastain in my head for Jenna.
But --
*SPOILERS*
-- rather like the ending of Lost, I'm not sure the pay-off quite lived up to what went before. It's so hard to come up with a solution to the mystery that makes people not think 'Is that it?' To me, the reveal of the Beast felt unimaginative compared to the great work that had gone before.
Perhaps its best if we too never know where the directions in the book lead? I understand you were going for a loop at the end, but must admit exactly how it worked was lost on me (may be my fault). Also, the two missing fingers - was the Beast actually Carswell? How does that work?
I'd love it if the writer would explain the ending once who wrote what is revealed. I know who I think it is... but yeah, great work. My favourite so far.
EDIT: having subsequently read others' comments, I suppose they do have a point that this script doesn't really fit the criteria of the OWC - which has to count against it, as we were all writing to a brief. However, I still found it very entertaining - there's a good writer at work here. Well done, you rebel.
This has a Tomb Raider, Raiders Of The Lost Arc feel to it - not that there's anything wrong with that.
Excellent use of horror and fantasy combined - gore kicks in right of the bat. Nothing to complain about really - obviously a seasoned writer.
It I had anything to nitpick it would be that there was no real character I connected with on a real emotional level but fine work nevertheless and meets the challenge well.
P.S. Funny, just noticed Jonny drew the same comparisons as I did. And I hadn't read his review prior to posting.
Good action lines, I could visualize everything well. Good location choice. The story didn't do much for me though.
I think the dialogue rule wasn't handled great on this one. Jenna being the only person to talk in a group of people venturing a cave together seems a bit so-so, but fine. The lazyness cuts in when everyone in Jenna's group is dead and the "thinking out loud moments" pop up. The "I told him so" moment is especially cringy. The dialogue rule is pretty much broken in the end with another character speaking.
My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen. We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about. The characters always knew more than the audience and that never really changed, not even in the end. With a really high death count in the script, no one's felt important. Considering the huge mystery that could surround the cave and the book, a beast simply being there and everyone dying doesn't come off as a very strong ending.
Is the teenager the same teenager from Cairo years ago or another one? While the name is in caps, the name is still "teenager" with the exact same character description, confusing.
I liked the twisty nature of this one. Not sure it really went anywhere, but I liked it nevertheless.
You kind of knocked it out of the park budget-wise, but a fun read, although maybe a bit too reminiscent of Indy on a few occasions.
The opening scene wastes a bit of time when it should be moving fast. One hack from the sword opens the box, one shot from the shotgun seals the deal. That sort of thing.
The missing fingers were an excellent device to drive your story forward. The first time they came back, I liked it. The second time they came back, I liked it even more.
It is kind of odd how it morphs suddenly into Jenna's story about midway through -- lots of quick scenes, then suddenly we are spending all of our time with her. The pacing feels odd.
As for dialogue, only one person is tough to accomplish, but looking at this, I think you could give Jenna even less dialogue than you have. Though the final sentence must be spoken, of course.
Very reminiscent of Indiana Jones. Not necessarily a bad thing.
Enjoyed the action/adventure aspect but overall though it left me a little cold. Felt like a lot of effort to get nowhere.
I gather that's kind of the point, just an endless chase after the Devil's power, but it was unsatisfying after such a long trip through history/geography then specifically through the caves.
I didn't get any idea of it being October the 31st when the portal opened, or of it closing at sunrise. Maybe just me that missed it.
The opening scene suggests to me you could write a really intense horror version of The Mummy though. Might be hard to get the money to make it, but it would be good to watch.
Logline - thats quite dramatic - sounds like a movie flyer. can't say it does much for me. lets see...
INT. CELLAR STRONGROOM - ROYAL PALACE - CAIRO - EGYPT - DAY - nows thats a slug and a half. most would advise to go out to in so start with the location. i don't think egypt is required
I'm at page three and this has done more travel than a bond film and nows its like predator ... with a touch of romancing the stone
the rope bridge above lava - that old chestnut. never worked out how they don't burn away
what is Hibosch? must google
I don’t know what to do next. -would someone say that?
didn't really explain how jenna and marcus get back to life - in fact we don't really have a protag, in some ways
for a short this feels too big, too expansive, but at least its dynamic
the book of the devil, how it passes hands, leaves a trail of death etc is all sound i think i just needed more connection. someones story, someone's fate, something at risk etc
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen. We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about.
I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I enjoy stories that leave room for interpretation, not always having every point spelled out for us. That said, this entry appears to be lax on some of the rules i.e. the rules state a portal opens on the night of the 31st. Do the stories have to be set all on that one night, or can they go back and forth in time? Also I don't recall a portal to an 'otherworld' in this story, unless I'm missing something? In any case, this was an intriguing premise that I'd like to see more of.
No Halloween. I don't want to be a poophead, but shouldn't that disqualify this? I'm sure most entrants (well, me at least) might have gone a different way if they knew they didn't have to abide by the rules of the game.
If I missed it somehow ( I read it twice), somebody tell me.
The beginning scene was cool but I'm thinking why did the book have to be in the box? And why if he did kill them men on the floor, why couldn't you have shown him kill 'for' the book. Him swinging the sword on the box didn't really fit for me. I mean what if he cut the box and the book in two? Just wondering as I read.
It starts with action and paced quick then slows back a little much for me. You lose the tone for me during this part of the script like pages 3-4.
Also the book trades so many hands and this thing spans over so much time, that I find it hard to want to follow or root for any of these characters. You could perhaps shorten this by a montage and focus on one character unless you are focusing on the death the book seems to bring to those harboring it. And more than once the holder of the book, makes sure no one else sees..makes sure they are alone, but why? I want to know more.
I never understood the portal thing in this one. Too many characters for me. Time spread to wide also. Good job completing an owc.
This one didn't do it for me. For starters, it was more like an Indiana Jones chase scene, rather than a horror script. Way too much action. I kind of understood the point of the story (the twist at the end) but it just didn't do anything for me.
I big problem why it had no impact for me was that I didn't feel; for the characters. None of them meant anything to me. And if you don't care for the characters, then you don't care what happens to them.
Influenced by Goonies maybe? That's what immediately came to mind with the device toward the end. Interesting way to start, with the book trading hands. It establishes a history, but doesn't reveal anything about it - which is good for mystery - but you can add to that on top of everyone dying that possess it. Maybe a more overt change in mood or behavior?
Jenna's part of the story didn't hit for me. It was a huge filler, and the characters were mostly a letdown, except for the beast. It was a clever twist of fate, coming around full circle, but needs clarity on why it happened. The end scene juxtaposed everything that came before it, so kudos there.
There was a lot of overwriting, it would be real easy to trim. Some sentences read awkward, mainly because there were irrelevant words that added to what was already stated. Formatting is off - right justified... well, right margins. Could be on my end though.
The concept behind this was solid, if familiar. A book of untold power being passed along and pursued from one generation to the next. But there wasn't a main character to prop the story up. And tonally, it felt off. I personally think it would have worked better if, instead of the Indy/Lara cave adventure, the action should have remained at the Carswell home so we could delve deeper into the power of the book. As it's written now, we have no idea what's in the book, why it holds so much power or even why Jenna has to return it.
Final line didn't make much sense to me.
"With Jenna’s voice the Beast mouthes ‘Bring it back’."
The beast is telling the same Egyptian boy from the beginning to "bring it back?" Where? I'd think the beast would want to keep it for himself. Also, is the beast saying the line, or mouthing it? If it's mouthing the line, how are we supposed to hear Jenna's voice? I think the writer was trying to squeeze around the rules of the challenge, but couldn't quite make it work.
There's an excellent moment when the people in the cave hear Juan's gun belatedly fall, good set up in that scene, startling and scary.
I was confused when Francis jumped into the water and Marcus hesitated and was pulled upward. Marcus survives? Francis does not? I wanted to know what had happened there.
This would be a treat for a gifted cameraman to film since the scenery and atmosphere are so important to the story.
The element of horror at the end would be intensified if the audience could be made to care about Jenna, since the previous characters died off so quickly it's difficult to invest any emotional attachment even to her, but you almost succeed -- although if the intention is to demonstrate a shocking transformation of a human (any human) to monster, then you do, certainly, succeed.
This was obviously inspired by INDY and THE MUMMY. I was missing the scares though. Those 2 films mentioned had their bonified moments. This veged into supernatural with violence. It lacked more obvious connections to the challenge parameters. I could imagine the portal is the door behind levers, and perhaps that night Jenna opens it is Halloween, but I don't feel you clarified that.
So, that said, this was an epic adventure filled with excitement. I liked the energy and tight descriptions. I think a better relic would help. The book makes me think what's in it that's so important. It begs questions that make this story confusing. Why send back a bookt hat instructs others to then bring it back?
The imagery overshadows the storytelling here. I liked the montage approach of jumping through time. It really makes the relic feel mysterious and important. I wish you delivered more on the reveal or hinted at the nature of book. I loved the ship and White Cliffsmof Dover. And now that awesome song is in my head. Um, thank you? For the most part the 1 speaker stuff worked for me. Jenna instruting her crew. Good stuff. The devil talk? Not really. I liked the 2 finger stuff. Maybe devil can just point Egyptian teen to the exit with that hand vs talking with Jenna voice. Maybe a better creature design would also help keep this more original.
Super exciting adventure. Iffy with challenge parameters though. Light on horror. **1/2 (out of 5)
What is that score Daniel? A half a point out of five?? Or do the asterisks count as two points?? Just curious. Hmm, probably two and half - wasn't clear to me.
This was obviously inspired by INDY and THE MUMMY. I was missing the scares though. Those 2 films mentioned had their bonified moments. This veged into supernatural with violence. It lacked more obvious connections to the challenge parameters. I could imagine the portal is the door behind levers, and perhaps that night Jenna opens it is Halloween, but I don't feel you clarified that.
So, that said, this was an epic adventure filled with excitement. I liked the energy and tight descriptions. I think a better relic would help. The book makes me think what's in it that's so important. It begs questions that make this story confusing. Why send back a bookt hat instructs others to then bring it back?
The imagery overshadows the storytelling here. I liked the montage approach of jumping through time. It really makes the relic feel mysterious and important. I wish you delivered more on the reveal or hinted at the nature of book. I loved the ship and White Cliffsmof Dover. And now that awesome song is in my head. Um, thank you? For the most part the 1 speaker stuff worked for me. Jenna instruting her crew. Good stuff. The devil talk? Not really. I liked the 2 finger stuff. Maybe devil can just point Egyptian teen to the exit with that hand vs talking with Jenna voice. Maybe a better creature design would also help keep this more original.
Super exciting adventure. Iffy with challenge parameters though. Light on horror. **1/2 (out of 5)
That's both the strength and the inherent weakness of the piece.
I think it's a good idea..The Devil sets up an eternal chase for "The Secret" and all that secret does is lead them back to him and to their deaths. It's good.
Just felt a little anti-climatic after all that running round. It's the type of ending that would work better with a more mystery approach...where the person discovering the secret is more intellectual. Something like the Ninth Night or Number 23.
When you have high-octane action, you tend to need an ever higher octane ending. Otherwise it falls flat. IMHO.
This one's different, that's for sure...but not all that different from scenes from numerous movies, already mentioned.
Does this fall within the challenge? Even a little bit? I don't think so, and I don't think the writer really even tried to make it so.
Other than the obvious movies mentioned, this reminds me so much of a small piece of a sprawling video game. Bottom line, IMO, this is not a subject you can tackle in 10 pages...not even close.
Too many characters and no real main Protag to root for. This is the death knoll always, and here, it serves as a perfect example.
Writing is OK, but as Johnny said, there ar numerous mistakes, awkwardness, and I agree, the right margins seem to be extended incorrectly.
Althouhg I do see some thought here, it's not executed properly and this one will quickly be forgotten.
I liked how you showed Jessup traveling from ship to carriage. Then the book taken at the carriage followed by an excellent time transition with liver spots on the same very recognizable hand then Jenna from 5 to 40. Very well done there. The visuals in this piece were awesome. But for me, it lacked character depth and story.
I think this suffers from "trying to be too awesome syndrome". This is a huge story for only 10 pages. Without a doubt it has feature potential. I love it when that happens. I hope you expand it!!
On a tech note...what's up with your left margin? It's over way too far.
These circular stories of Hell tend to need a foundation of morality -- they feel a little pointless without it. There's something interesting in Jenna being gifted the book rather than killing for it -- the only one of the line of damned souls to do so -- but this isn't really addressed in any way.
I guess what I'm saying is, we'd need to know something about Jenna and her moral stakes for this to be anything other than hollow adventurism. That said, the adventuring is great, even if it's impossible not to think of sweaty Alfred Molina yelling "Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip!" Lots of fun stuff in here.
Nothing wrong with a little voyeuristic enjoyment of the damned -- that the saintly types (which the film viewer always is, of course) "may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly," as Thomas Aquinas so charmingly put it. But it's all the more fun if we have a clear sense that they kinda deserved it (Drag Me to Hell?) or that they definitely didn't (Absentia)...or, at least, what kind of mechanism put them there.
On p7 you have "he puts her on her side" - I think you better write "marcus puts Jenna on her side".
This was about the book. At first I thought it was the Bible.
I think you should let us know what book you're talking about. We don't know much about the characters, we don't know anything about the book - but we need to sypmathise and care, which is hard to do since you don't let us into the story and I think you need to do that early on. The earlier the better.
A bit too many characters for me. You started with the Teenager and Jeesop. Then switched to Jenna and Juan. Then there are Marcus and Francis.
I wish you started with Jenna, let us know what the book was about - otherwise the story is a bit spread out for me.
Just an explanation on the rating system. The * are stars. I should have clarified that. So 2.5 stars for spiral. I considered the challenge parameters while rating. Most movies are 3 for me.... so good bordering on average.
1 bad, 2 okay, 3 good, 4 impressive, 5 excellent or damn near perfect. Hope this helps...
Strange how the first slug has a wealth of information but the following ones are far more vague, and then back again. I'd like to see a bit more continuity.
There's a lot to take in for 10 pages, a lot of action and so I didn't really feel any tension. Similarly there are too many characters who appear and are gone a page later which meant I didn't care about them. I think setting Jenna out as the Protagonist at the start could help remedy this.
Not much horror except for the final scene and it left me a bit confused.
It was written pretty solidly with only a few instances where it read awkward.
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A little more description at the outset would have helped locate the story in time; until Jessop turned up I was thinking this was a period piece -- sword and sandals as they say. If it better fit the challenge I might be inclined to dig deeper into the story, but as written it feels like a longer idea adapted to fit the constraints.
That said there’s a simplicity to the writing that works -- a few trip ups here and there but nothing to really detract. Some interesting ideas, and plenty of imagination behind this but it felt more action adventure with a dash of horror thrown in. Little clear reference to the ‘otherworld’ and Halloween time-frame.
On a minor note that’s one very long and specific slug to open on.
INT. CELLAR STRONGROOM - ROYAL PALACE - DAY
Would work, followed by a -- SUPER: CAIRO, EGYPT… etc.
Fun idea but not for me.
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Quite the epic tale I must say, and you have a fairly good grasp on how to use page 'Real Estate', for lack of better phrase, to pack in all the necessary info.
Spanning decades and the globe definitely put this out of the park as one of the more elaborate/creative entries I've read. Not entirely sure it fits the parameters put forth regarding Halloween, sundown, etc; but I enjoyed it.
Solid writing, great use of descriptors, and works good for the Horror/Fantasy genre.
Well done, a bitch to make a short film budget, but well done. i liked the writing, liked the bit of creature feature/Lara Croft-y feel. I'm assuming the portal is in the cave, although I'm not all sure. It also does not take place on Halloween. Deserrbes a rewrite, perhaps even an expansion to feature length.
Tough call for me. It would be on a shortlist on voting if it fir the parimiters, and it doesn't quite get there. Good job on writing though.
So far, my favorite script. Does it fit within the guidelines? No, I wouldn't say it does - not at all. There's no specific trade between two worlds, and no limit to the time frame, either. Also, the story went on a *touch* too long.
That said, THIS one was entertaining. Well written, with an interesting time twist at the end. Hella-mega budget to produce - with definite Indiana Jones/Lara Croft influences, but I'm rather glad I read this one.
I love the beginning only because it’s the epitome of start late. It’s smart, recognizing that a full page of some kid sword fighting soldiers would be meaningless at this stage. Small point: I think the box should open on the upswing, as a reaction to nothing. It wants to be wanted.
I loved this. From the outset I could tell this was not a story about people. I think that’s fine, especially in a short (though the book could’ve traded hands even more perhaps?).
So, shifting protagonists, a long journey to an uncertain goal and finally an ending that seems to imply an endless sisyphean struggle. Nothing’s explained and I’m sure that’s the point (the spiral, so to speak). Looking through the comments, I suppose this’ll have to be my own personal ‘cult classic’. But if I’ve correctly guessed what you were going for, you nailed it.
34. Spiral by Hieronymush Bosch - Within its pages lie some of mankind's best kept secrets. Many try to gain it. Many will fail.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘Spiral’ I’m expecting a twisty-turny tale. Enthrall me. Excellent opening scene. No dilly-dallying about. Nice turn of events with the arrows and such. Lovely adventure changes in scenery. Cool bats. Nice monster suggestion. Oh! And another! Nice. (Writer, you need a refresher course on CPR and choking victim rescue.) Love everyone trying to get the book. Great MacGuffin. Bubbling lava! Ha! Only in HWood. Googled “HiBosch”, got nothing but power tools. Hmm… well… that was pretty cool and entertaining. Will make for a good one-and-done short film, which is what I warned about these twist endings.
Suggested construct alternatives: - The story’s pretty entertaining “as is”, no honest need for any big changes. However, if you wanna amp it up a bit I’d have ownership change hands every page, but I understand there’s only so many elements you can cram into the final twist where each of the successive owners have come into play, so maybe a owner-per-page isn’t such a great idea, in which case the pacing of the current ownership would benefit from some evening out. As is, the story begins rapid then draws down to a pretty tedious crawl with each complication towards a return to the beginning, albeit in a different locale. - Suggest the final location in the preceding pages, suggesting that at some point the book & beast cycle through several source points.
There's not a deep connection to Halloween. But I think it's Okay, in the end you just can take the craft and creativity given to you during the short timeframe.
It's imaginative, the locations are extraordinary. I loved the fact we get to know the protagonist so late.
A lot reminded me to Sleepy Hollow, Indian Jones and Lara Croft.
Again, the locations are a beautiful composition for an adventure.
Concerning story it just came to my mind that I missed the men's motivation to follow Jenna in the part when it's finally getting dangerous; around here:
JENNA Nothing we can do for him now.
Why should they make that sacrifice? It was about money I guess? - they just looked a bit undeveloped in this moment when they decided to walk on rather than running away.
Maybe the ending was kind of a Pandora's Box element. The evil gave the box to the humans; so that they lose their lives fighting each other till the box will be replaced by the evil again- I guess you leave it a bit to our interpretation, so that's how I saw it; and I liked it.
After telling you my sympathy for the story, I have to say that it's just that- a story - and that's a problem here. Would be a great short film but with regards to the market's reality it's more of a template for a feature film, an adventure book, or simply a literary short story or even a computer game story line, anything else but a short film. Kudos for your imaginative vision; imo it would only need another form or vessel where you can put that in.
Thanks to all who read this. Especially thanks to those that liked it. Well done. You can have biscuit with your tea. The rest of you can wait outside in the rain, and keep it down out there, I'm watching a film.
I'm not sure the pay-off quite lived up to what went before. It's so hard to come up with a solution to the mystery that makes people not think 'Is that it?' To me, the reveal of the Beast felt unimaginative compared to the great work that had gone before.
Perhaps its best if we too never know where the directions in the book lead? I understand you were going for a loop at the end, but must admit exactly how it worked was lost on me (may be my fault). Also, the two missing fingers - was the Beast actually Carswell? How does that work?
Well, it works because if you imagine... Oh, I dunno. If I explain it it's like being shown how to do a magic trick. Afterwards you wonder why you asked.
I'd love it if the writer would explain the ending once who wrote what is revealed. I know who I think it is... but yeah, great work. My favourite so far.
EDIT: having subsequently read others' comments, I suppose they do have a point that this script doesn't really fit the criteria of the OWC - which has to count against it, as we were all writing to a brief.
Naturally I disagree. I thought it fit as snugly as my underpants. As long as I stay calm.
I think the dialogue rule wasn't handled great on this one. Jenna being the only person to talk in a group of people venturing a cave together seems a bit so-so, but fine.
So so, but fine? You mean like most of Tom Cruise's films? And Greggs pies?
I thought the dialogue rule was handled with style, nay, panache. With skill. And cunning. I would go on, but I think you get the idea by now.
The lazyness cuts in when everyone in Jenna's group is dead and the "thinking out loud moments" pop up. The "I told him so" moment is especially cringy.
I doubt there's a 'y' in laziness. I would look it up, but I can't be arsed.
Especially cringy? You've obviously never read my poems. Or seen me dance.
My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen.
Everything just seemed to happen? You mean like a plot? Lots of stuff happens. You may not like it. It appears you didn't understand it. But that is the plot.
I think you mean something else by this, but far be it from me to pull you out of the hole you're digging. Perhaps it's a plot in a graveyard.
We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about.
I know! I was watching Memento the other day. They didn't explain anything! I had to think about it, for ages. No wonder the living room is such a mess. And that sock still isn't dry.
With a really high death count in the script, no one's felt important. Considering the huge mystery that could surround the cave and the book, a beast simply being there and everyone dying doesn't come off as a very strong ending.
It's not just a beast. It's the beast. A cow is just a beast. The bloke down the road who complains about the noise is a beast. I used to have a girlfriend who used to call me a beast. I thought at first she was referring to my sexual prowess. Sadly she was referring to the mess in the bathroom.
Is the teenager the same teenager from Cairo years ago or another one? While the name is in caps, the name is still "teenager" with the exact same character description, confusing.
You kind of knocked it out of the park budget-wise, but a fun read, although maybe a bit too reminiscent of Indy on a few occasions.
I believe so. Tomb Raiderish as well, by some accounts. I didn't intend it that way. I thought it far more serious. Those franchises are are so big it'd be hard to do this type of thing without those coming to mind. As for budget, I'll discuss this if a producer comes along. I shan't be holding my breath.
A fun read - a higher compliment I could not hope for with this.
The opening scene wastes a bit of time when it should be moving fast. One hack from the sword opens the box, one shot from the shotgun seals the deal. That sort of thing.
I see your point here. But I was trying to make it not so easy, and to set a certain tone. I had a good guess at the way others would approach the challenge, so I was trying, as I usually do, to be different from the pack.
The missing fingers were an excellent device to drive your story forward. The first time they came back, I liked it. The second time they came back, I liked it even more.
Now you're talking. Do keep going, I'm getting excited.
It is kind of odd how it morphs suddenly into Jenna's story about midway through -- lots of quick scenes, then suddenly we are spending all of our time with her. The pacing feels odd.
Yeah. I can kinda see that. I liked it though. I can see the comparisons to other films, but the story felt fresh to me.
As for dialogue, only one person is tough to accomplish, but looking at this, I think you could give Jenna even less dialogue than you have. Though the final sentence must be spoken, of course.
I liked the Indiana Jones feel to this and the passing of the book from one opportunist to the next, reminded of that immortal opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the greedy Alfred Molina gets his comeuppance by snatching the artifact only for Indy to be on hand to re-balance the books.
The action moved so fluidly that I didn't even realize no one spoke until Jenny took up the "legacy" and continued to be the only talker for the duration of the script, which I know was part of the challenge's criteria. That's a testament to the frenetic pace, changing locales and changing hands, good job with that.
I wondered how Carswell knew about Jessop possessing the book and was able to track him down in order to ambush him but I get you can't divulge too much in such a short piece. I did like how he whistled at him to get his attention though before arrow-ing him between the eyes, nice touch there.
However, my understanding of the story from Jenny onward is a little fuzzy. She inherits the book and waits over 35 years to follow up on it, why? It looked like she had the money, why not hit the trail come 18? Are you suggesting that it took that long to decipher? Also, I wondered about Craswell's wealth. I take it the book had some bearing on it, a Faustian pact out on some North to South Midwestern highway perhaps but it’s not elaborated on and that's ok, no time.
So Jenna goes on the search with a crew of suitably louche gents. We're back in Indy territory again. They enter the ominous cave, avoid traps with the guidance of the book while the hasty (and hesitant) get picked off one by one. I did like how it looked as if Jenna was the latest casualty and the baton was to be passed to Marcus but that was quickly reversed, which is cool too.
Anyway, she gets to the red room, faces the beast who effectively punishes her for, I presume, being corrupted by the book, following its trail with the hope of riches or whatever but the impression is given that Carswell is somehow embodied in the beast (two missing fingers) How is that? Because he didn't go in search of the book’s secrets? Is that also why he attained the wealth, he held up his end of the bargain? He was a gatekeeper of sorts.
If so, why didn't he pass on this rather vital piece of cautionary information to Jenna who we have to assume was close to him as she witnessed his final moments and he appeared to entrust her with the ungodly tome? In fact, are they meant to be father and daughter?
Given the name of the script and the reappearance of the loincloth clad teenager at the end there is an element of re-occurrence, a cyclical, self repeating duty wedded to the book. It gives the feeling that we have gone back to the beginning and the process may start again with a new list of interested parties awaiting. Which to me is an interesting idea, a clever bookend.
Also, what is the significance of the beast taking on Jenna voice? Why would she be absorbed into it, didn't she essentially fail? Or was it just to stay within the parameters of the challenge? Plus, why didn't you write it as dialogue?
In terms of the challenge's guidelines, I thought you might have a reference to it being the 31st of October at some point, even if it was just a shot of the calendar or something. Did you ever plan to include a pointed allusion?
Anyway, enough questions and sorry if I’m repeating others and maybe, most likely actually, I’m way off the mark with my conclusions.
I'll respond to it, in time. Sometimes you hit the proverbial nail square on. Like Coogan and Brydon impressions. Apologies, I've just been watching A Trip To Italy. Even I do a better Tom 'Bane' Hardy impression. Victory has defeated you.
In the meantime I'll be doing my smartarse routine in order. Or perhaps not.
I gather that's kind of the point, just an endless chase after the Devil's power, but it was unsatisfying after such a long trip through history/geography then specifically through the caves.
It was the point. Like chasing ghosts. Or climbing a mountain. Pity you didn't find it staisfying. I did.
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Spiral - OWC
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but it’s not elaborated on and that's ok, no time.
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