Shamed by Koutius Vomitus - Short, Horror - Two deceased, former high school students embarrassed by the school bully when alive seek revenge on Halloween night. (NC17 ) - pdf, format

Shamed...

dead kids come back for vengeance. seems a sound basis.

...in both hands and hands one to her...   lots of hands

alas you don't have many pages to play with but i like the bullied and suicide option. one thing against it thought is that if they were close, they would have each other. isolation is often a trigger

nick and libby arriving is a little blunt and owen could be described as one dimensional

vomiting zombie/ghosts - perhaps seen before

i liked the janitor ending


overall i would say this needed a little more dimension. owen is a bully. the kids kill themselves. them they torment him easily, without any issue. and he runs off, just happens to find himself in the toilet of the school.

if they don't mean to hurt him, just belittle, then the other violence and images are a little off key

the concept is sound, it just needs a few revisions, for my taste anyway. For example owen could cause them to split up - perhaps faked horrible words from both of them - leading to their suicides.

then the script could be the two come back. can they get together again, and torment owen in one night - thats complication. just a thought

cheers

Good work aside from a few moments where Owen talks to himself that could be scrapped.

The actual reason for the bullying feels a bit minuscule to end up with a double-suicide. That part of the script seems underplayed, I think it could benefit from them being caught doing something a bit more kinky and out there or a bigger effect as in... that picture popping up in the internet/sent to their parents or something like that.

Good stuff with the Mexican janitor. I like the route that was taken with the ending instead of going the usual route.

I think I can guess the writer here. EDIT: I'll actually leave my deductions for later!

Was a good effort, let down by the unbelievability of it.

There was a film called Disconnect where some kids got a lad to send naked pictures of himself across the internet by pretending they were a hot girl in his school, and that led to his attempted suicide. That was believable as he was lonely and the whole school was laughing at him.

Here Libby has a loving boyfriend. Whilst the situation is embarrassing. It doesn't play out as motivation for a suicide.

This is compounded by Nick killing himself.

The fact they killed themselves also undermines the revenge aspect of the story in the second half.

That being said...the ending was very good. Nice and poetic.


Rick

Sad story. I felt really bad for Libby. When she walked away from her parents...I knew what was coming. Painful.  I think the whole beginning with Libby and Nick could be trimmed. I felt like you were over explaining how much in love they were.

I really liked the revenge part. Not sure why you had to have Libby give Nick a Zombie BJ, but okay.

I think you did a good job on this challenge. I really liked the story. For me, the biggest issue was the writing itself. It could use a little work. Here are just a few examples but these issues run throughout the whole story making for a difficult read.

Repetition:

Loud music  
Crowds of teens
kids are loud
house is crowded with teens.
*try different adjectives:  Music blares. There's a party inside. Rowdy, intoxicated teens spill onto the front lawn.

Trim:

LIBBY (17, skinny, black hair tied in a ponytail and wearing thick glasses) and her boyfriend, NICK (17, spiked blond hair, weedy) are standing by the staircase.

LIBBY (17) skinny, thick glasses and black hair tied in a ponytail, stands by the stairs with her boyfriend, NICK (17), spiked blond hair, weedy.

Cut out unnecessary words:

--They hold each others hands / They hold hands
--Nick and Libby sit on the bed kissing each otherpassionately./On the bed, Nick and Libby kiss passionately.

Smoother writing: Watch sentence structure, repetition, unnecessary words, over description and too many "ings"

The school Janitor appears at the doorway holding a mop. (Mop in hand, the Janitor appears at the door.)

He looks down at Owen, sitting in a puddle of his own urine and his eyes raw from crying.

(He looks at Owen who sits in a puddle of his own urine, his eyes raw from crying,)

The janitor lets out a little chuckle, takes his phone from his pocket, takes a quick snap and continues mopping.

(The Janitor chuckles, takes out his phone and snaps a picture then continues to mop.)

Not bad, but it seemed to me that at age 17 Nick and Libby wouldn't be the first to be found in that situation. To be bullied for something like that at a party where other teens are drinking and such, seems a bit severe. Same thing goes for the suicides. A bit extreme reaction to being teased, IMO. For this to work, the bullying needs to be on the same severity level as their suicides.

Great ending though with the janitor.

*spoilers*

Looks like we got an intense little game of cat-and-mouse going on here. There were a few scenes that didn't seem to fit (bored drinking, holding hands afterwards), but it all makes sense later. The end reminded me of Elm St.

Good choice to leave Nick and Libby's crossover unprovoked. Their appearance didn't need any oujia board stuff. The lesson - or theme - here stands out. It's a really geniune approach too. The sucides seemed a bit reactionary, but could be believable, taking drastic measures for how they feel. But the holding hands after they got embarassed didn't fit a their choice to die. There would've been some conflict there between the two - Libby should've felt it the most since she was first to go.

Quick rant. About all of these tears rolling down folks cheeks - sometimes it pulls punches instead of delivering them. I can get onboard with it if the scene demands a good cry, but it can dilute it just as fast IMO.

Good job on this. It was heartfelt while still mixing some shocking (and sexual) stuff. Justice was served on its own terms.

Of course the janitor is Mexican!

Maybe a few years ago I would have said the suicides were corny but it seems these days that kids are always killing themselves whenever they are bullied/too humiliated to face their classmates.  So it was believable.

Some cool, whacky, crazy parts, but "Shamed" felt like it was missing something.

Notes as I go...

"HAPPY NEW YEAR" signs hang from the walls. If you have the SUPER you don't need to re-establish the time IMO.

Could just be me but by page three I"m thinking you could have gotten through this in a page or two...where is the tone?? Fantasy? Horror? I know it's coming but you could have started with the snapping pic of the cock sucking then gotten to the story faster IMO.

I understand bullying and the emotional shit it causes to people...but I am having a hard time finding that both teens would kill themselves over this. Most guys would be proud of it....yeah a girl would be embarrassed...worried about her tarnished reputation...Another thing, without dialogue it is really hard and I do not think you could show us well enough the trauma the situation caused, it is like we see them happy then killing themselves.

OMG oral ghost sex, gray vomit, these two are creepy ghosts for sure ....I do like the way this one ended...we all wanted revenge for sure...and the pace picked up good near the end also. Good job.

It doesn't seem likely these two  would  kill themselves over this, or that their classmates would even treat them this way.
Nor does it seem believable  these two shy types would have sex at a big party at all, not to mention  not lock the door. Weren't they the least bit scared of someone walking in?
And when Owen does walk in, you'd think she'd immediately jump up and cover. Instead, he has time to "snap a few pictures" and other kids have time to gather at the door. Only then does she "scamper" up.

“Crowds of teens”

I got this feeling that the house is crowded with teens.

“The house is crowded with teens.”

There we go… you’ve confirmed it for me.

Watch out for repetitiveness in your prose. It’s happening a lot early on. The writing is a little clumsy at the moment, possibly a late entry.

At least finish your drinks before going upstairs… I wonder why they didn’t do this earlier rather than standing in exactly the same place doing nothing.

Yes! Go for it Nicky boy. We have a top off already and we’re only halfway through the first page. I like where this story is going.

What!? That pesky Owen. Ruined it for all of us. >

Good job with Owen. I hate him already.

Oh shit… Nick and Libby took the whole thing pretty hard. I don’t know if I believe they would take their lives over that incident – seems trivial really, but bullying at school is an issue of today’s society and it can happen. What’s actually worse for me now is this means Owen, as the only person with dialogue becomes our protag I’m guessing. Will it work?

“Douche-bags.” He’s one to talk… he’s the biggest douche of them and I repeat, you’ve done a good job of making me hate his guts.

Are Nick and Libby ghosts or zombies? The black teeth has me thinking the latter – needs some clarity me thinks.

How many times has Owen been up and down the stairs? It does get a little tiresome.

A continuous stream of dark grey vomit projects from her mouth. You sure it was vomit?

Why does Owen run to the school? It’s night and the school would be closed. Again, in these situations, you have to wonder why he doesn’t pull out his phone and call someone. Possibly his jock friends from before.

A lot of “walking towards” going on at the moment.

Like the janitor taking his picture at the end.

Making Owen, the unlikeable dick, the main character was a bold choice and I don’t think it worked if I’m honest. What made it worse was that he didn’t really get his comeuppance. Well he did, but I wanted it to be more gruesome and harrowing like Libby biting his dick off or something.

A little confused about Nick and Libby – so a doorway opens and they’re allowed back into the world to torment Owen. They wasn’t bad people so I’m wondering why or who would allow such a thing, and the fact that all they did was actually cut themselves and walk around a lot holding hands made them a less scary than they should be.

At the end of it all, this didn’t really grip me as it was pretty obvious where it was going, and the whole story had a repetitive feel to it which made it tiresome. Owen runs/sprints away as Nick and Libby walk after him holding hands.

This story could do with a twist or a spin on the theme. What if Nick and Libby kill Owen in revenge and it’s him who comes back from the dead with a vendetta. It would probably work out the same way but we more likely to root for Libby and Nick as it reaches its conclusion.

The writing was a little clumsy at times and could do with a tidy up in places – maybe a last minute entry, meaning no time to edit.

Code He takes a few pictures with his phone and almost immediately there’s a crowd at the door, pointing and laughing at Nick and Libby.

Why would they gather at the door like that taking pictures? Very strange behaviour from teenagers. At least these two had the decency to find a private place to do it, which is more than we bothered to do in my teens.

Code OWEN But you’re... you’re dead! Libby and Nick both break into wide toothy grins, showing off their blackened, decaying teeth and nod their heads.

I can't believe you've actually written this.

Code OWEN Why are you here?

Why would he ask?


There is quite a bit wrong technically with your writing. I'm not going to point out what as I'd rather read right through the story.

Usually when I see writing that is not up to standard, the story won't be too. That's very true of the first part of this story. How they kill themselves needs to be worked differently. The blowjob isn't cutting it for me. I can't see how anybody would get bullied because of that.

The ending though was quite good. Story needs some work.

Not one for me as it stands.

I don't usually bother reading loglines. Sadly, in this case I did. Kinda gave a bit too much away, unfortunately.

Writing needs tightening a bit. But it's not too bad. I liked the story. Took a few pages for the horror bit to creep in. Nevertheless, one of better ones, in me humble.

R

I agree with Ren that that logline gives too much away.

And, it feels really weird to read a script when one of the main characters has your own name - ugh. And she's dead!

'Why are you here' - that line didn't sit well with me mainly cause it seems too calm.

I really like the way you start on DEC 31 and flash forward to OCT 31 - works well within the plot

I think you made a mistake by having Libby giving him head (after they've come back from the dead) - that just seemed both gratuitous, and not in keeping with what her character would do - it was why she ended up where she did. It just seems at odds with the scene at bit further on when they are at the school too - the tears rolling down Libby's cheek. I expect it's you doing a kind of re-living scenario but I thought you could have done something a bit more imaginative than that. Jmh.

And 'scurries' seems too lighthearted a choice of word on p.8

Ooh, I don't like what you have the Janitor do at the end - the theme would then seem to be that everyone is just as bad as each other. I would have preferred if the Janitor didn't act according to the mob but was an individual 'type' - he didn't appear like this when he was washing down the wall. I don't know I think perhaps a lot of people will think that ending has some kind of synchronicity but I wasn't fond of it. Bit too predictable in a way too - and yet I'll contradict myself by saying it's quite plausible.

I like this script a lot. You did well with the challenge, however I would see it as straight horror. I didn't see any real fantasy elements.

I really liked this one.

It's a full story with a beginning middle and end, easy to follow. And I was quite invested when reading it.
It was interesting to see how it plays out and what the ending would be. I'm glad you didn't kill off Owen. The janitor scene in the beginning payed off nicely - very good ending.

I enoyed it quite a bit. Nice read.