Like how you used the Janitor and snapshot motif to bring this full circle -- fit the plot if perhaps not the reality.  Thought you did a good job in making us feel for Libby and Nick though the suicide felt too convenient; needs more tightening here, more of a push for them to take that route -- though that said it’s what you needed to kick-start the story.  I’m a little disappointed Owen never got his full comeuppance.

This is perhaps quite a good example of making a strange choice about who to give the only speaking role to. Having Owen take that on makes it HIS story - and yet surely it's Libby we care most about?

I too feel that having Libby in a loving relationship makes her suicide seem slightly less believable. I mean, ultimately she's your character, so who are we to say what she 'would' and 'wouldn't' do, but perhaps having her be a shy, lonely girl who's humilated that way could work better? I will say though, that the first three pages are good - especially when she comes home, the dread and inevitability is cranked right up.

But then...

Sorry to say, the whole second half of the script seems a bit strange to me. Again, it's that Owen suddenly comes centre-stage - we don't know much about this kid, we certainly don't care about this kid, so ultimately we (or at least, I) don't really care what happens to him. Also, the behaviour of the two ghosts / zombies / whatever is strange. The vomit, the walking hand in hand, the cutting of the cheek - what does it all mean? It's a bit like you reached into a barrel called Scary Things Ghosts Might Do and just wrote down whatever you pulled out, without any real reason or resonance behind any of them.

And then, after the vomit, oral sex (that was odd) and face carving, all that happens to Owen is he's... embarrassed. The photo is a nice echo of the opening, but the fact that just the Janitor is there to witness it makes it feel anticlimactic. An extra scene at the end where those photos have been blown-up to massive size and stuck around the school, and everyone points and laughs at Owen as he walks humiliated to his locker would at least deliver some justice. You chose to put the focus on this guy - so he needs a fitting ending.

Sorry, bit long there. I wasn't a huge fan of it, afraid to say. But on the plus side, the first half - the teen drama - is strong. It's when it goes Horror that the wheels come off for me. And probably more importantly, many others seemed to really enjoy it.

CARRIE vibe.  Good motives for revenge. Horror could be more fully realized.

It’s sad how Libby is ridiculed for normal teenage behaviour.  I hate Owen right away. Congrats on that. It’s hard to imagine Libby and her boyfriend not saying anything though. You think one of them would curse out Owen. Or other partiers at the door might talk. That said, I feel like you chose the best character to talk. We need Owen to come across as a prick and a bully for this story of revenge.

Not sure why Libby cries at the classroom door. I’m assuming she’s had enough bullying. This would be clarified if Libby cried as she is pelted by wads of crumpled paper, or something. For me, the nodding towards the door then a kiss and cry just didn’t flow. I also feel like this is when Nick would say something to calm her down.  It’s really hard to work around the challenge parameters though. I just mention it here because this is a more obvious situation for a character to speak.

SPOILERS AHEAD…

I wonder if you should aim for a ROMEO + JULIET moment here instead. Nick and Libby could take their lives together. This is a sad reality though. I’m glad you addressed it. Bullying is a serious issue that leads to suicide. True horror. I feel like you may have missed an opportunity to relay some of their thoughts via a left-behind note.

On another note, why begin on New Year’s? I feel like you want us to feel like it’s been months and months of torment. Makes sense. However, I would prefer to see that. Maybe a montage of various bullying episodes? Cliched? Sure. But you have limited space to brew this haunting tale. If it was, say a beginning of school party in September, then a few weeks will still have passed before Halloween. I’m behind the motivations here though. I can’t wait to see this zombified Bonny & Clyde exact their revenge. Trick r treat.

Owen’s a prick. So when he answers the door to the costumed kids he could just snatch away a bag of candy. Then slam the door. Maybe a little kid even flips him the bird, in retaliation. Just an idea. I think there should be a better excuse for Owen to notice Nick and Libby.

Maybe after he steals candy and slams door, he gets like 5 steps from the door when it rings again. “You’re not getting your candy back, you little pukes.” He empties the bag, to return it without candy. He opens the door, only to see Nick & Libby across the street. Staring. Haunting him. He closes door. And returns to his room. Where they are waiting for him, seated on his bed. Which by the way, was an awesome scare / creepy visual. This would only slightly alter the events, and also streamline them. I wasn’t a fan of the back and forth between his videogames and the door.

I love how Nick & Libby reply to Owen, with a grinning slow nod yes. Devilish fun. I would consider simply having him back up out of the door, and bolt for the exit to his house and into the streets. Maybe Nick & Libby appear at every turn during his escape. That would be spooky too.

I sense a touch of King’s CHRISTINE there with the car. Creepy. I like the idea of the photos in the trunk too. A cool mysterious element, as Owen is still alive, those must be some sort of psychic photos. The ghoulish blowjob at the tree would be nasty to watch too. Funny and scary and gross. I think Owen could have better dialogue here. Maybe he even apologizes, now that he’s scared shitless and fears for his life. I wonder if he should mention the photos? Like, “How does that happen to me? Please. Don’t do it. I don’t wanna die.” I’d like to see Owen as a weak coward here.

Ewww. I guess Libby doesn’t swallow. Sorry, dark humour there. That was some nasty puke that one ups the eruption from THE EXORCIST. It seems like you’re going for some comedy here. Maybe Owen can say something like that swallow comment? Or have that kid he stole candy from (in my suggested addition) laugh and point with his friends. That would creep me out - kids happy for murder.

I wonder if the revenge scenario could be better. I liked the parallel of seeing the live couple consoling and kissing in the hallway & the dead couple mirroring that. I have an idea for another parallel. Now this will sound gruesome. Libby forces Owen to imitate oral sex, performing it on a razor blade aimed from her pelvis, while Nick laughs and films the gory event on a camera – like the party in the beginning.

I like the slow stalking of the prey. It might not read scary, but I usually find these scenes much scarier on screen with music and atmosphere. I wonder if you could add a few more teleport-like jumps of the dead couple chasing Owen through the school. Make it hopeless for Owen. He can’t run. He has to own up to what he did, and maybe make amends. Yeah right. This is horror – he’s dead.

Or not. As is, the ending serves up some nice revenge with the humiliating photo of Owen who’s pissed himself. I think since this is horror you should serve it up. Kill this bastard. They returned from the grave only to make him tinkle. For me, I’d prefer you to crank that revenge up to 11.

Empathetic victims. Topical issue. Could use more emphasis on revenge & horror aspects.    *  *   (of 5)

SPOILERS

This creates a believable teenage world and maintains the tension unique to that world.
And the scenes where Owen looks backward in horror qualify as being in an otherworldly portal, in my opinion, so this succeeds admirably in those ways.

The scene where Libby's mother finds her hanging suffered from the mother having no dialogue, I think.  Otherwise, this story has a tidiness to it.  The predictable elements don't detract too much, I don't think, somehow a hellish predictability is acceptable in high school tales -- this is where the horror has real power; their little lost lives can be avenged by a cellphone photo.  Genuinely creepy!

Ah yes, a story of sweet revenge… now, I know I’ve seen another one of those kicking around here somewhere… hmm?

This had Tales from the Crypt written all over it, and that’s a good thing! I love that little freak show ghoul… “Cr-rrrrrappy Halloween!”

The ending could have had a little more edge thrown into, something like… I don’t know; death. How about that piece of sh!t Owen dies.

Also had had a message about bullying, which is OK, and a creative use of the theme put forth. Heart wrenching regarding the double suicide, I say, simply because that stuff actually happens on a daily basis with at risk youth.

Then there’s the bonus message of what goes around comes around, and Owen, I’m sure… is about to find out what that means.

SPOILERS

Your basic horror story.  Why do horror characters run into rooms with no exit?  I think something worse should have happened to Owen.  

*Spoilers*

This script does have potential.  The writing could do with a polish (for instance, it's far too thick on descriptives and could be cut down multiple pages with no ill effect to the plot or concept.) There's also a tendency to use passive verbs in this one - I'd recommend cutting doing on sentences like "JOE X IS sitting by the door" vs. Joe sits by the door.  You don't do it all the time, but it's enough that it's noticed.  But then, that's just a matter of practice.  No big.  Other phrases, like "Owen looks, terrifyingly, towards where the sound came from" and "visually terrified" feel awkward.  "But you're... you're dead!" - is very On the Nose.  Again, just an issue of polish and practice.

As written, I do find several issues with Shamed.  Owen and his pals are far too cliche, especially in regards to insulting the janitor.  I also can't imagine that Libby and Nick would get shamed in that particular way at school.. especially for what they were caught doing.  Heck, wouldn't that INCREASE their popularity?   And to react so drastically - by committing suicide.  It just doesn't seem like a large enough issue to warrant that. At all.

Once you get to the "haunting" part of the tale; it just seems to play out too long, with no real focus to Nick and Libby's ghostly actions (other than generally trying to scare Owen.)  I'd recommend cutting and slashing this section (no pun intended) and keeping only the essentials.  

FWIW: the twist at the end with the janitor was cute.  A fun cap to the story.

Cheers,

--J (W)

SHAMED

Hello,

I have mixed feelings. If it only ends with the janitor taking a picture of Owen wetting himself, it's not enough.

I also don't like Nick has a bleeding wound. If he's a living dead he shouldn't bleed. The visual of how the face of a dead person reacts to a slash wound would be scarier and more understandable in this situation.  

You start a bit slow, so Libby's suicide came very sudden and it finally reminded me of the genre.

I like the story ended in the school again. It was a nice cliché of the genre.

I can imagine Libby's mother screaming. The character's feelings made me think this script must be quite hard for the actors. A lot of opportunities to show up skills or ruin it on the other side.

The mobbing plot is too omnipresent to kick me out of my shoes.
I liked the balance. To give the dialogue to Owen was the right choice. How he provokes the janitor and all that... well, I would wish for the janitor to make something unexpected – you know, the ironic punch line is not strong and not a satisfying way to go out, too often I've seen that. Maybe, you let him take the picture and add something. Don't know what, perhaps a serious wtf-moment and not only a clever-meant ironic one as here. I enjoyed the script.

My assumption is that this is written by a "newish" writer, as well as a young writer - nothing wrong with that, but the writing and even the premise reflects this.

I'll be nice, but I'll also be honest.

The writing is not good and needs alot of work.  It's very sterile and long winded, showing lots of totally unnecessary things.  Your setup could easily be written in half the pages.

I'm very confused by the premise itself - Nick and Libby appear to be a couple.  They're at this party where everyone is drinking and making out.  They go to a room and she blows him.  What's the big deal?  I doubt they're the only ones doing this kind of thing here - in fact, IMO, not only is there no shame here, but actually the opposite - bragging rights.

So, I don't buy into the suicides.  I also don't buy into the cheesy dialogue coming from Owen when they show up at "his" house.

Where are his parents and if Owen is so cool, why is he home alone on Halloween?

But, I stuck with this and things get much better, IMO, and show real signs of a writer with a great imagination. It takes time to develop a voice and get all the little things down so your writing flows and your formatting doesn't get in the way.

Some nice little horror moments thrown in and a clever ending that comes full circle and shows real attention to detail, bringing the janitor back in and ending the way you did.

There are numerous little snaggles here and there and even the fact that morning hits as quickly as it does, is a little absurb, but you know what?  All in all, not badly done at all, and I'll actually give you a "consider".

Good work.

I’m just gonna jump right into the problems since they’ve already been pretty well identified. The shame, as it plays, doesn’t feel big enough to inspire double suicide. The entire school treating a couple in this fashion doesn’t seem realistic. And Owen’s comeuppance was weak compared to what he did.

In order to address this I'd isolate Libby. One way to do this is to place better emphasis on the video. There’s basically a porn of her posted online, which can be pretty devastating no matter the context of the relationship. Maybe give her some religious conservative parents who find out and bring the hammer down (unlike liberal parents, who are totally cool with their daughters sucking cock online). Then as written, once she decides it’s too much to take he’d be close behind.

Another path is to have Nick be Owen’s buddy. Nick likes Libby, but she’s a bit of an embarrassment. Maybe she’s nerdy, or has a reputation for sleeping around… something. Once they’re caught he distances himself and Libby commits suicide alone (and exercises revenge alone as well). This might give you the best of both worlds from a revenge perspective. Owen gets the gruesome end he deserves and Nick gets a somewhat tamer ‘lesson’. Or you can flip that. Maybe Nick deserves worse as he was the one who should’ve stuck by her.

Anyway, it’s a valid concept. Not badly done. I just think there are better options than what’s currently on the page.

Writer,

I really liked your ending! Owen = Big Pussy! This reminded me of a Creepshow type of story. It's pretty simplistic, doesn't make much sense, but it was fun.

The one thing that bothered me here was your writing style. It read simplistic. Meaning, it was a little prosey, but not in a good way. Writing effectively like that is tough to pull off. Had you more time this could do with a good cleaning up. You double up on some words in the same action block, and use the word "visually" a few times when explaining the look on someone's face. Those are more than just nitpicks, I feel, as something like that could take the reader out of the story and just say, Ehh! This guy doesn't know how to write." I think you do know how, but you need to tighten things up here alot for it to be effective.

However, your story read very clear. It was easy to follow, and that's more than I can say on a few other entries I've read. And it was fun with a good ending.  Good luck with this.

Steve

Same feelings and thought as other reviewers. I suggest upping the stakes for Nick and Libby, or certainly Libby. Maybe they have a disability that makes them/her emotionally vulnerable. So they get set up by Owen at the party.

A better angle is that Libby is a valedictorian type or a highly respected with her church and in the community. So her reputation is tarnished by the images-video going viral, leading to a prestigious university revoking its scholarship offer. Set up Libby as a perfectionist and whose parents expect her to go to an Ivy League university or such.
As for Owen, I guess he's still alive at the end, right? What if he's dead by the end and doesn't initially know it. He learns too late that his ghost will forever be haunted by those he tormented.  Just a thought.
The story as is seemed a little too simple. With some character development, I think it has a chance. Not a favorite, but kept me reading.

"Oh, come on Libby. Don’t stop now,
he wants to cum." lol

Man, the melodrama is definitely real! I could handle one suicide and bout of crying, but the second one is just cringey and feels so out of place.

"OWEN
But you’re... you’re dead!
Libby and Nick both break into wide toothy grins, showing
off their blackened, decaying teeth and nod their heads." lol

"Nick stands next to the tree. Libby performs oral sex on him
while he laughs maniacally, blood oozing from his exit
wound." Damn, I shouldn't be laughing but my sides can't handle this.

Why does he run into the toilet?

Well, this was a little strange. The story felt too thin for my liking, very very simplistic and been there, done that. I felt as if it was lacking any originality, anything that separates this from other similar films. Bully is a dick, screws up somebody's life, they come back to haunt him. In fact, the scares were so over-done that they came off hilarious to be honest. Kids smiling and laughing, and then also getting their willies sucked? Okay, I gotta say, that's a new one, but besides that, there wasn't much here. Which is a shame, since I thought the writing was pretty decent overall. Coops has a lot of good suggestions.

30.  Shamed by Koutius Vomitus - Two deceased, former high school students embarrassed by the school bully when alive seek revenge on Halloween night.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Shamed’ I’m expecting some shame to be a real motivating factor or effect of some actions of horrific proportion!
Opening sequence is… interesting, er… um…
Libby has excellent knot and hanging skillllzzzz. (FYI: ceiling light won’t hold any more than about thirty pounds of weight. It’s just ad outlet suspended on a thin stick between two puny nails into the floor joists above. http://cdn.oneprojectcloser.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/DSC_00293.jpg )
Poor Libby. Poor Mom.
Poor Nick. At least the Janitor won’t have to scrub that clean! Ha!
Classic ghost story. Eh… Uh… What’s the time lapse between the suicides and Halloween?
How does Owen walk in darkness inside the school - and see Libby & Nick walk towards him?
Owen pusses out in the bathroom stall? No way, man! Don’t do that!
I must’ve missed that switchblade element earlier in the story, seems random now.
Why’s ghost Nick cutting into his own cheek? WTF? Random.
Very nice end, though! Good circle.
Yeah, uh… Just a little “mop up” here and there and this will be a good story. Cool.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make Libby & Nick a double suicide together.
- Have the empty car be Owen’s, a distinct model, which means you gotta introduce it earlier in the story, like when Owen finds Nick & Libby together it’s slobbing knob on the hood of his car in the garage.
- At the tree streaming semen emits from Libby’s mouth dousing Owen. (Yick. Grossed out myself.)

I enjoyed this. Seemed a bit unbelievable at first but by page 6, I was too invested in the story to care. Some creepy stuff going on here. The pictures in the boot were a nice touch along with the blowy by the tree.

What I liked most is that it didn't end up where I thought it would. By page 8, I would of put money on Owen getting murdered in some sort of brutal fashion. Turned out he didn't. I assume Nick and Libby are going to make a habit of doing this each year which in my opinion is far worse.