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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  The Price - OWC
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  Author    The Price - OWC  (currently 6179 views)
KPM
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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One nutso woman. Gutwrenching and horrible... (A great thing!)
Riveting story, beginning to end.  
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks KPM

Hopefully you read the revised version which is now up. Thanks Don.

It still needs some more work, and I'm undecided over whether to give Berith more backstory or carry on where it starts.

I won't do too much on this as the production costs are going to be off putting, although I did wonder about changing the period to the present day to help.

Cheers

Bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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marnieml
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Just read the rewrite. I like "mystic" much better than "shaman". I don't think you need to be specific with it being "anal" sex. LOL. Say it were ever filmed...that would be some kind of wild close-up.

The first time she's trying to conjure him up, instead of saying "Halloween", maybe "All Hallows Eve". For me, saying Halloween seemed too modern. It might just be me though.

I really love the montage of her killing people over the years. That's awesome. Your writing is so freakin atmospheric, Bill Sarre!!  Always. You have a real gift with that.

As far as the ending goes, in the original, didn't her son end up rejecting her for what she did? I have to say, I like that much more. Even though we feel sorry for her, she is killing a lot of people. My thought is, she gets to touch him once but then is condemned to hell for all that she did. If that's what you've done, I didn't fully grasp it.

Anyway, loved it. Again.

Oh yeah...thank you for taking out the camera direction. LOL.  


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Marnie,

kind words and thanks for the re read.

I have to say the amended version was a bit rushed so i really appreciate your feedback.

My aim was to have her rot in hell for what she's done, a justice, but at the same time have her son at least recognise her for that the fact she is his mother.

She was wronged in life and it feels kind of deserved that she makes some connection with him.

Children want to know their parents, and even if bad, they still long for a connection.

At the end, Berith apologies and begs forgiveness. A sign that she is not all bad. Life has made her what she is.

Whilst he is appalled he can't help himself finding some attachment. After all, she's his mother, who just wanted to be with him. To her he was special. A feeling every child wishes to feel. A sign of love, even if she is misguided in what she does to achieve it.

So, from her perspective, it could be described as bitter sweet. She's not with him, but he has at least recognised her and accepted her gift.

A messy solution to a messy situation - parallel to life in many ways. Without the demonic shark  


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RayW
Posted: November 20th, 2014, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Hi, BIll

Rewrite looks great.
Love the changes once the OWC limits were lifted.

Production costs... eh... yeah.
Only a Burton-esque big budget would do this justice. Otherwise animation would be the way to go, something more  'Heavy Metal 1981'-ish, nothing CartoonNetwork-ish.

I don't know what your intent with this is, doesn't look like you're writing to produce, and you've already identified the budget for others is prohibitive.
This leaves contest submissions and proof of concept writing as the next likely goals.

Mostly this looks great.

Took me to page 12 to find any quibble.
"Totally" doesn't gee-haw with the time period.
Suggest changing:

               His eyes blink. He tries to adjust to the real world, unsure
               of where he is, or what’s happening. Totally confused.

to
               His eyes blink. He tries to adjust to the real world, confused
               and
unsure of where he is, or what’s happening.


I just reread it. Still a great story.

Would really like to see you milk this out into a full length feature, either expand on the current through elaboration or add to it going forward as a rebirth of "Boy" - Now that he's here what does he do? How does his past twenty years haunt him going forward? What special abilities or knowledge does he bring from beyond? What morality lesson can be taught in a Grimm fashion?




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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Bill

I like the sound transitions in the opening scenes, the “KNOCK KNOCK” to the “THUMP”, nice touch.

The beginning sort of reminds me of The Scarlet Letter due to its time period (although this is perhaps a little earlier) and the shunned female outcast. However, I imagine Berith being ostracized will be for altogether more gothic/pagan reasons as opposed to Hester's extramarital offspring in puritanical Massachusetts! Reading on...

I wondered where the name “Berith” comes from. Any significance?

BERITH
I need to see him. Can you help me?

- Hell ya, woman, why do you think I’m loitering around here. A shaman’s trade is 100% based on location location location!

BERITH
Spirits hear me. I give you this
offering. I wish to see my boy.

- I’m curious about her phrasing here. Is the deal just to “see” her boy? Why not ask for him back in mind and body? I dunno how these Faustian pacts work but I was under the impression it was a soul for a soul, no?

BERITH
Please. Give me something. A kiss.
Just a kiss.

- Ah, now she’s trying to ask for more. Shoulda read the terms and conditions before applying or laid out your request unambiguously from the beginning. If anyone is going to screw you over, it’s the dark lord itself!

“Berith smiles...”

- Ok, she's happy enough with that, I get it. I still thought she would’ve asked for more considering what she’s offered. Anyway, moving on…

I see where you are taking it now in that she will continue to offer sacrifices for more interaction with her deceased son and the toll that will take on her own soul. Intriguing concept, looking forward to see where you’ll go with it.

"Berith, 58, reaches out to her son, 18, now a striking
masculine figure. She tries to hug him - fails."

- Oh c’mon, Berith, you surely know the deal by now, you've been coming here for 18 years. No touching!

BERITH
Stop! I want more. I need my son.

- Really, she lasted for 18 years before breaking and seeking extra from the annually dangled carrot? Could this have happened sooner I wonder?

“Digs up a recent grave”

- Mmm, sneaky. Would Satan not know though? I guess it shouldn't matter. Although, you have to consider why Berith doesn’t do it more than just once as it cuts out a lot of the leg work.

“Berith, 60,”

- Shouldn’t she be 59? Or did she collect the bodies over a two year period? Sh?t, they’ll be in some state come All hallows Eve then!

“Behind her, the stone ring has turned into a huge MOUTH.
Razor sharp teeth all the way round, like a demonic shark.

In a slow, lumbering movement it tears into the bodies.”

- Nice. Cool visuals here.

BERITH
I had to. You died. What could I
do? They wouldn't accept you, or
me.

- I presume at this late stage we’re not going to find out why she and her would-be son are treated so ignominiously by the townsfolk? And that’s fine.

Was he in fact a child borne out of wedlock then?

BERITH
I'm sorry. Forgive...me.

- I'd remove this line, its unnecessary. The story and climax is working well enough on its own without verbalizing it. Plus, I like the idea of her being so consumed by getting her son back that she doesn't even recognize the folly of her ways while being swallowed up. Just raw anger and anguish prevails at this point. That to me is more powerful and compliments the themes at play. Anyway, just a suggestion.

Overall, this was rather excellent, definitely the most satisfying and complete entry I've read although I've only read a few.

Regardless, as a standalone piece on its own terms it’s a great little script. It borrows from tropes old as storytelling itself but you put a nice spin on it.

Top job.

Col.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2014, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Ray

many thanks for read, much appreciated.


Quoted from RayW
Hi, BIll

Rewrite looks great.
Love the changes once the OWC limits were lifted.

Production costs... eh... yeah.
Only a Burton-esque big budget would do this justice. Otherwise animation would be the way to go, something more  'Heavy Metal 1981'-ish, nothing CartoonNetwork-ish.

I don't know what your intent with this is, doesn't look like you're writing to produce, and you've already identified the budget for others is prohibitive.
This leaves contest submissions and proof of concept writing as the next likely goals.



Production costs - i try much more these days to write sensible budgets, but just didn't have an idea in this OWC.

I wasn't sure it was a contest type script but everyones positive support has changed my mind. I need to tighten it up and all the feedback will really help.


Quoted from RayW


Took me to page 12 to find any quibble.
"Totally" doesn't gee-haw with the time period.
Suggest changing:
[


Appreciate that.


Quoted from RayW

Would really like to see you milk this out into a full length feature, either expand on the current through elaboration or add to it going forward as a rebirth of "Boy" - Now that he's here what does he do? How does his past twenty years haunt him going forward? What special abilities or knowledge does he bring from beyond? What morality lesson can be taught in a Grimm fashion?



Alas, I'm too lazy with features. One day maybe, although you did make me think. If i did i think this would give me the opportunity to do;

1] berith backstory - quite like the idea she was raped, accused a local leader, and was an outcast on that basis but it leads to the child

2] have the kid stay and take revenge for his mother etc


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2014, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Hey Col,

i appreciate the read. Thanks.

Yeah, i found this OWC tricky but was pleased i cranked something out.

Taking the faustian pack line i wanted to do something with complexity and within reason it does that. Does the end justify the means etc?


Quoted from Colkurtz8


I wondered where the name “Berith” comes from. Any significance?



Its a name that came up when i goggled Fallen Angel - apparently its a demon found in jewish texts. Not that i knew much of that as i was in a rush and i liked the name. The idea that a normal person, once wronged, can react badly and become a demon.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

BERITH
Spirits hear me. I give you this
offering. I wish to see my boy.

- I’m curious about her phrasing here. Is the deal just to “see” her boy? Why not ask for him back in mind and body? I dunno how these Faustian pacts work but I was under the impression it was a soul for a soul, no?



great point and i have revised my script - new draft up - on the back of this.

The aim was that she just wanted something, anything. But as time goes on and the boy develops in front of her, its no longer satisfactory. The sins she performs gets worse.

In the revised script,  she's told thats all she can get, accepts it, anything is good. But she becomes desperate for more with time. I may also stress her solitude to reinforce the point. She has nobody.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

“Digs up a recent grave”

- Mmm, sneaky. Would Satan not know though? I guess it shouldn't matter. Although, you have to consider why Berith doesn’t do it more than just once as it cuts out a lot of the leg work.




Great point and i have revised the script. Now she kills nine and gathers the bodies but needs one last one. How? She has an idea, cut to digging up the grave.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


- I presume at this late stage we’re not going to find out why she and her would-be son are treated so ignominiously by the townsfolk? And that’s fine.

Was he in fact a child borne out of wedlock then?



Good question and not one i have come to terms with. Does she need back story to explain the story or can we accept it as it starts.

The out of wedlock is a good one. Another, as explained to ray above, is to have her raped by a leader. She then gets pregnant and is excluded.

For now ill keep it as it is but i can just see a competition script reader say, but why is she an outcast?

One to ponder.

Quoted from Colkurtz8


BERITH
I'm sorry. Forgive...me.

- I'd remove this line, its unnecessary. The story and climax is working well enough on its own without verbalizing it. Plus, I like the idea of her being so consumed by getting her son back that she doesn't even recognize the folly of her ways while being swallowed up. Just raw anger and anguish prevails at this point. That to me is more powerful and compliments the themes at play. Anyway, just a suggestion.




good question. i have actually reduced this - i've taken out the i'm sorry - but kept it in. Why?

It would be easy to over do, but in essence she goes through this for the love of her child. At that point she has lost it. Everything has gone. No more angry, no more future. What is left is the last thing you would say on your death bed. She knows what she's done - I'm sorry to her first victim etc - and it hasn't worked.

Accordingly i liked her last words to her son being from the heart.

The scene is complicated and mixed, but she wasn't all bad. besides, this then allows him to make the final connection.

Maybe its my soft heart, but whilst she deserved her punishment, she also deserved some recognition.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

Overall, this was rather excellent, definitely the most satisfying and complete entry I've read although I've only read a few.

Regardless, as a standalone piece on its own terms it’s a great little script. It borrows from tropes old as storytelling itself but you put a nice spin on it.

Top job.

Col.


Much appreciated.

i must owe you a read.

cheers

bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 22nd, 2014, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Its a name that came up when i goggled Fallen Angel - apparently its a demon found in jewish texts. Not that i knew much of that as i was in a rush and i liked the name. The idea that a normal person, once wronged, can react badly and become a demon.


- Cool, it does have a dark arts ring to it. Like something out of The Crucible or something.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
The aim was that she just wanted something, anything. But as time goes on and the boy develops in front of her, its no longer satisfactory. The sins she performs gets worse.

In the revised script, she's told that's all she can get, accepts it, anything is good. But she becomes desperate for more with time. I may also stress her solitude to reinforce the point. She has nobody.


- Yeah, I recognized this was her trajectory from the draft I read too. It was just at the time I wondered why she requested so little when she was out killing someone for it. I totally get where you're coming from though and see how you wanted the story to unfold with her wanting more and more each time.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Great point and i have revised the script. Now she kills nine and gathers the bodies but needs one last one. How? She has an idea, cut to digging up the grave.


- Cool change, that would work great.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Good question and not one i have come to terms with. Does she need back story to explain the story or can we accept it as it starts.

The out of wedlock is a good one. Another, as explained to ray above, is to have her raped by a leader. She then gets pregnant and is excluded.

For now ill keep it as it is but i can just see a competition script reader say, but why is she an outcast?

One to ponder.


- Its not entirely necessary but its something a reader/audience member would wonder about. I mean, if there were an IMDb message board, expect it to be the number 1 thread on there, you know A subtle hint or visual cue would be enough to suggest what you're saying but there's no harm leaving a bit of room for speculation either. Up to you.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
It would be easy to over do, but in essence she goes through this for the love of her child. At that point she has lost it. Everything has gone. No more angry, no more future. What is left is the last thing you would say on your death bed. She knows what she's done - I'm sorry to her first victim etc - and it hasn't worked.

Accordingly i liked her last words to her son being from the heart.

The scene is complicated and mixed, but she wasn't all bad. besides, this then allows him to make the final connection.

Maybe its my soft heart, but whilst she deserved her punishment, she also deserved some recognition.


- On reflection, you make some good points in justifying its inclusion. Its analogous to a death bed confession, seeking repentance for your sins in the final moments. It was just my nihilism rearing its head in wanting to see her remain cursed and embittered as she made the one way journey south.



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Colkurtz8  -  November 23rd, 2014, 9:36am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 23rd, 2014, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8

- Its not entirely necessary but its something a reader/audience member would wonder about. I mean, if there were an IMDb message board, expect it to be the number 1 thread on there, you know A subtle hint or visual cue would be enough to suggest what you're saying but there's no harm leaving a bit of room for speculation either. Up to you.



yeah, sound point.

I think i may get one of the playing kids to say something.

At first i was thinking about them saying 'witch' but this clashes with the magic.

The born out of wedlock seems a sound one, just need to think what they could say.

cheers



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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JSimon
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very well done for a one week challenge. The writing was strong and the character and her plight sympathetic. The hands coming out of the ground and pointing and doing number signs was a little over the top for me, I would prefer something more subtle myself if it could be thought of, but in general this is a notch or two above a standard OWC. Very talented writer.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Quoted from JSimon
Very well done for a one week challenge. The writing was strong and the character and her plight sympathetic. The hands coming out of the ground and pointing and doing number signs was a little over the top for me, I would prefer something more subtle myself if it could be thought of, but in general this is a notch or two above a standard OWC. Very talented writer.


Just spotted this.

Many thanks for the review JS.

Being honest the script you read was amended after the OWC, but it generally went well, even if it would never be made.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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