The Price by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Horror - A desperate woman struggles with the high price of the one thing she wants most - her dead son brought to life. (NC 17) - pdf, format

Well written, easily visualized, good atmosphere, interesting protagonist & take, best I've read so far.

I think you could cut the 20 and have the final scene with the boy at 18. Other than that no complaints.

Strong story. Some good imagery, the giant mouth was particularly horrifying. Got a real sense of the world of the story and the period you set it in. Small negative: the sound-led transitions became a bit repetitive. Nice stylistic choice, but felt you overused it.

Perhaps the best one I've read so far in terms of WHY only one character speaks - emphasises her loneliness and isolation. I sympathised with Berith, though perhaps I'm skeptical she'd get away with it for so long? I wonder if her being confronted by the townsfolk could be worked into the climax...

But overall, a strong entry. Nice one.

EDIT: I have to agree with others, though, that using 'rape' in that scene was a poor language choice. Whether it is 'technically' is or it isn't (if she's agreed to his demand in order to get the information, hasn't she granted him consent no matter how abhorrent the demand?), it's such a charged word and as you can see it diverts attention from the story as people discuss whether it belongs there or not. First thing I'd do in a rewrite is swap that word out.

Obvious opening with the Druid circle (was the first thing I thought about as well) but you nailed the tone perfectly.

I was thrown by a few things: Shamans, Halloween....the time period and the location is uncertain. Are these elements consistent with each other? I don't know. I think Shamanism in Europe was around a long time before Halloween was celebrated...but I'm no expert.

Overall, for me it felt quite long. There were a lot of shots showing her being bad, but they don't add much. We can tell from the title that there's a price to pay. Feels like a whole lot of the story was redundant....she could just be told that she needs to kill x amount of people to have her son back.

There's a good story in there somewhere...a woman driven mad by grief becoming everything she hates and losing the one thing she wants more than anything. Just didn't quite come together in the time we had, for me.

Lovely atmosphere though. Well done on that. Liked the echoed sobs at the end. Sure, it's obvious but it still works.

Rick

*spoilers*

The sex scene didn't do it for me, not to say it doesn't belong. Just jarring after the Shaman gave her the business. The lead in to the majority of the scenes was well done, it was an attentive effect that set the tone.

What I enjoyed was Berith going through the years, failing. That's one route in becoming a serial murderer. I'm a fan of obsessed characters, and Berith fits the bill. There were moments I thought it dragged some, but overall it was engaging. I was rooting for her, hoping her emptiness would be filled by her son.

It got somewhat anticlimactic in the end, it was unclear if her son was restored. After everything Berith went through, the price, her fate didn't come across deserved. Overall, solid writing - there were times during the read I felt there too, so the visuals were executed well.

Thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. The rape scene was a bit brutal which may put some people off but other than that I can't fault it.  

I liked everything until the sobbing at the end. My eyes almost rolled out of my head there. Haha. Good job though! The rules only allowed for one character to have any dialog and I think it hurt the story a bit. The Shaman's silence is awkward and the skeleton hands pointing adds a bit of goofy to an otherwise eerie vibe. The awkwardness of a lack of dialog stands out the most for me in the scene where the old man jumps out of the carriage to help Berith. Usually, people say something during those situations. I know those were the rules but I think it could've been worked around better here. Minor complaint though.

Parts of this I liked and parts I did not...mainly taste I think. The rape scene didn't do it for me and why? I did like it when the hands said '10' ...now that was a challenge and I loved the jaws near  the end. I think this could benefit by being shortened a bit.

Overall I liked it. Good job.

Overall, a nice entry. But i had a question. During the montage of Bireth (Birth) trying to bring back the son in one line she's 55 and the next 58. Did I read that right? If so, how different does she look in three years?

Not too crazy about the rape scene. But I liked the setting and the overall story. Very gothic in tone. Gppd work. I sense a SS regular.

Within the guidelines of this challenge, I thought you succeeded here.  Nice visuals, I like the setting you chose, I read a few of the other's, but up to this point -- yours is probably the one I'll remember the most,

As far as the rape scene, unless I missed something, Bireth is willing to do anything to see her son, she even went as far as murder. So, to me, that scene felt more consensual.  Yeah, I know he tied her down, but that doesn't make it rape.  Me, I probably would have replaced the rape part with -- he takes her hard from behind, or something like that, but I get it.  

Regardless, I enjoyed this one.  I thought it ran a bit too long, but...

good Job

ghost

Couldn't quite sympathize with the main character. I don't know  anything about the first forty years of her life, who the father was, whether she'd lost babies before, etc. etc., so I couldn't feel much sympathy when she starts killing so many people over this one lost baby.

Pretty well told, but that didn't make up for my distaste for what she was willing to do.

P.S. Why did the Shaman have to tie her down and "rape" her? She was willing, right?

Whoa. This was really good. Great visuals!!  Really nice writing and several excellent transitions. It seems as though a Brit wrote it. Wonder which one...

Only a couple suggestions...

Flowing along nicely. I was completely immersed in the story until...

Pg. 3 - "We close in on the circle, until..."  -- A camera man came in and did a close up on the circle. This is why I hate any kind of camera directions.
And next --"...we pull back to reveal" -- There is a camera man on a moving crane.

Pg. 5 - "She springs up, scampers toward the boney hands." -- "scampers" seems like too light hearted a word.

Really impressive entry!!  Congrats!!

I read this quickly, so forgive me if I'm missing key points.
The story is interesting, but seems drawn out.  I think it could use a good editing session to bring it into focus. But for one week, I can't complain too much.

The aging of the characters didn't quite work for me, especially the boy. I kind of wished Berith had a life with son till he was, say age 5. Five years of mother and son bonding would give her and us time to feel a connection.

And then in the story, stay with a 5-year-old kid. I didn't care for the boy as he got older, but that's me.
Also, part of my disconnect is that the son had no name, right?

Also, a strong mother-son bond, would help me to understand how she could go on this killing spree.

I did like the mouth and the way it went about its business. Made me think of those wood shredders, such as in "Fargo." There is a sadistically comedic element to bones crunching and fluid spurting behind her, as Berith is enjoying the company of her son.

This is my first read in this OWC, so I'm off to a good start. There's more to like here than to dislike. Nice job.

Well written. Brutal. Heart wrenching.

A very atmospheric opening, that continues throughout, reminding me of the strong visuals in Burton's SLEEPY HOLLOW. Good descriptions balance prose elements effectively. Creepy storytelling through images. I liked the setting too, although it might help to know exact time period. I assume 1800s.

Brutal and effective transition between cemetery and bedroom. Shocking. I'd excise the ropes. It's scary enough this is consensual. But it shows the lengths this mother will go to. Another strong transition with symbol to stone. It seems like camera direction is necessary here, so I can excuse it. Not normally a fan though. I'd consider a sneak attack with the horseman. It just seems like he would have asked what's wrong or something. I really liked the primitive invocation with banging poles. It inspires camera work and editing possibilities.

The aging montage was haunting. I'd consider embellishing or emphasizing on emotion here. Maybe you could show the emotional toll these murders have on the mother. When she is told to kill 10 at once, I feel like her immediate response of "Agreed" is weak. She could shake her head no, curse, bang on ground, cry... This has to affect her, right. I think showing us the emotional side, even briefly,  would make this short even more emotionally effective.

I loved the creepy image of her watching the famiky and counting to 10 on her fingers. There's a chance to parallel popular fiction here. She could see 10 kids playing outside and lure them with sweets like the witch in HANSEL & GRETEL. This story could be the real witch that fiction was based on. I already get the GRIMM fairy tale vibe. And that story is public domain, right. An idea.

The son returns. It's hard to excuse no dialogue here. What's he wearing? Maybe mom makes him clothes each year. This would add a strong throughline with the baby jumper. Would he appear nude out of portal, or in last years smaller clothes.

I'd also make him younger, like 15 or 16, erratic emotions of a teen. When he realizes what's happened, he can't talk. He fights a tear, screams, and pushes her into the teeth instead. By the way, loved that imagery. This could better excuse no talking, and excise the awkward stumble into gnarly jaws. This could add a bittersweet taste to the end when son gets over rage and regrets decision. He enters otherworld to be with mom in afterlife. I took some time thinking up possible scenarios to inspire because I enjoyed your atmospheric and haunting story. I hope you don't mind. I hope it helps.

Very atmospheric. Haunting. Gory. Could use more emphasis on emotional weight of practicing ritual. ***1/2 (out of 5)

This one really didn't work me, sorry.

I think you had a lot of ideas in your head and too big a story crammed into ten pages. Two montages are imh evidence of that and I struggled with the idea as a whole.

Main thing for me was that I didn't really sympathize with your main character Berith or like her at all, and I should.

The Shaman raping her came left of field for me - and was disappointing cause I liked your introduction of him - thought ooh, this is interesting... Plus, my understanding is that this is a business exchange of sorts, but then he doesn't seem to factor in any way in the story from then on.

I have a suggestion for you. The birth sequence could be replaced with Berith losing her child in a tragic accident - perhaps make him around five years old. That way you'd give me two characters I care about/backhistory and emotion and a reconciliation I could really get behind.

The jumper as 'motif/symbol didn't work for me either, sorry. To be honest it started to annoy me.

A small formatting thing: I think the description of Ext. Berith's Cottage could have been a little earlier - actually now I read on I think that slug just needs to be changed to something like: EXT. VILLAGE instead of BERITH'S COTTAGE i.e., the scene with the kids and carts and pumpkins etc.

Btw, REINS as in - horse, not reigns - monarch - probably a simple typo - easy to do and I think Summon's should be written without the apostrophe.

A couple of other things tripped me up too:  I actually thought for a moment (given this challenge is horror and gore themed) that Berith literally exploded (the way you wrote it) until I read: 'thrusts a knife into his neck' so you might want to clarify the writing there. Couple of other nitpicks re phrasing of things but time restraints may have been a factor there so I'll refrain.

There's a nice horror vibe to this but overall it didn't really work for me.

I would want to sympathise with Berith but she seems deranged to me. She wants her child for no reason. For the child she's even ready to kill. And she did.
She waited for the child for many many years.
Something happened there in the middle - she was doing stuff to get him back - I think the story stalled there and could move faster.
The shaman seems like added no value as he was gone at the beginning of the story. I know he gave her a clue how to get the child back but the rape episode didn't pay off.
Berith is an evil one in the end for killing someone.
The ending is good - I thouroughly enjoyed the ending.

Overall, it would work for me if you cut a lot in the middle.

The opening scene is quite dark and lucid. An elderly midwife delivers a stillborn child unto an unwed mother (unless she is widowed, but there's no indication of this) hence her being ostracized from the village. The truth about a newborn into the world, however, always has a bitter reality of the parent becoming attached to that particular child, only after they come to nurture the infant.

I get the sense however, that this may not be the first child Berith has lost, and her smelling the jumper as if it's been used... it may very well have been, to a previously deceased child. This definitely would be the prime catalyst to explain away her behaviour of seeking the child from beyond, regardless of price; the fact that she can't imagine reliving the torment that follows.

Love the description of the Shaman, the keeper towards the portal she seeks. There was another script that uses brilliantly/multicolored aspects of the guide to donate a rainbow road effect. This works well to describe his purpose here.

The rape scene seems very out of place for a Magic Man if you will. Shamans dig their Amanita Muscaria (that funky red and white psychedelic mushroom) from beneath the pines in the forest. Perhaps an offering of shrooms would give way to the gate keeper's secrets? Just an after thought...

The part of this that throws me is; Berith pulling her son from another dimension, a dimension where he's growing, nurtured by someone or something, and becoming what he is on the other side. Only during a sacrifice is he forced to visit this strange land, and into the arms of a strange woman. A stranger who offers blood to an earth creature in return, however, cannot reason with the false deliverance of the beast she feeds, and is eventually lost on the false promise of obtaining her son.

She has a distorted perception after awhile of what she's killing for, and most likely holds the concept of the means justify the end; a dangerous ideology that allows people to feel no remorse for their actions. Berith in the end is no more than a twisted sociopath that must pay for her actions, and she does... with her life.

This was a nicely woven story, worked well for me.

Code She lies naked, face down, tied to all four corners of her bed as the Shaman rapes her from behind.

Anal or doggy? If only you'd specified. Now I'm imagining both. Maybe he's really a lesbian and is wearing one of those double dildo strap-on things?

Code His sweat trickles down her back.

His sweat?

Right. OK. She actually said she would do anything, so why did he have to rape her?



It got interesting. I'd actually give this one a consider. With some work it could make for a creepy little film.

Whoa! Was really into this until the rape. Why is she bound, if she (apparently) agreed to this? He just into it? And would it be rape? She agreed to it right? Consent?

Blonde hair? With the names, and shaman I was figuring indigenous.

I'm confused by her digging up a recent grave -- if all she needs is bodies, why not get them all from the grave?

And killing came pretty easy to her - perhaps hesitation at first, then with ease later on?

p8 - "age catching up" -- but she had no problem killing 9 people and digging up a body? I would be tired after that too, aged or not.

"Berith studies the piles of bodies, young and old. Shows no
emotion. She wipes her brow, smears blood across her face." - I don't think you need this - we get that she doesn't care about the people, and you've already mentioned the blood.

I'm confused by the boy's confusion -- so he couldn't see her every year and wasn't aware of her?

The kid going back to the jumper was weird to me for some reason -- I know what you are saying, but I guess I don't buy that he has made a connection with her?

And does he have to be 20? Seems kind of old, might work better if he was still a kid.

Overall, this was great. Writing was vivid, and story was compelling.

The Price

Hello,

I was intrigued till the plot went wild - the rape. I think we have to accept your story's way at this moment. There might have happened things OFF SCREEN. A similar point happens with the man's instructions which make her drop dead bodies into a circle. It's not so 100 % fine that way for me.

Okay, the story has truly a nice atmosphere and there were details I enjoyed; such as the town's citizens treating Bereth like an outcast- even on the cemetery she's not a part of the community.

I don't like the last CRY of her that sounds through the forest. I think you go over the top because we already understand things are not working well for Bereth all over the script.

A point I like to mention too is that I don't like your scene transitions. I'm a newish friend of writing some fluent cuts which fasten the read. But if you do it all the time, that's too fast, restless. Films need a majority of hard cuts. It works scene by scene. I really enjoy reading some cross-fades, or fast dissolves, especially when they guide through mini slugs, but to emphasize every knock on the door into the next scene doesn't work for me. It's unbalanced.

I spend some lines on this because that was a very negative point to me.

I asked myself why you didn't show the stillborn baby more detailed. To see new life dead, not breathing, not living, that's frightened as hell to me. That's hard core horror and you missed that opportunity.

Nevertheless, your script's world was fine; I enjoyed the tone and the story pretty well.

This type of story is what I had in my head when I came up with the theme.  Vaguely celtic. I am pleased that at the seventh script received, this is the first one where the writer picked up on what I thought was a direct reference to Samhain.  I really like the variety of scripts received.

SPOILERS

I thought it was cool that BERITH was, as a matter of course, living in her own Otherworld as shown by her being an outcast.  

Questions: Why was BERITH outcast. I needed BERITH to have a little more motivation to see her dead son other than she was lonely.

In short a decent story.  Very sad.

Nice job building sympathy on page one. Not just with the loss, but with the loneliness. Though in the end I agree with the other commenters, it could only help to strengthen her motivations.

On page 2, I think you should replace, “I need to see him.” with “I need him back” At first I thought she was just having trouble getting to the gravesite. It might also help if the Shaman actually does something supernatural (like resurrecting a squirrel), or else it’s tough for me to buy what happens next.

So I guess she really is only seeing him. I still wonder why she didn’t ask for him back instead, but I know nothing of the magic going on here. Perhaps she could ask for him back and the Shaman could negotiate her down to ‘seeing him’. Or maybe it just turns out that way cause the Shaman’s a prick.

Once I got over those initial hiccups, this is quite good. One of the better ones. It’s a very complete story. Maybe takes a little long to get to the meat of it, but once it did I was absorbed. Nice work.

Wow - I really like this one!  One of a handful that I've read thus far that really follows the criteria.  Plus, solid writing and story.  Very, very nicely done.  I have a teeny tiny suspicion who may have written this one.  Though I could be far off base....

SPOILERS

This seems like the storyline of an opera, it could be exquisitely beautiful and tragic.

I did find it slow reading in spite of the high drama -- the years passing with the same horrific desperate acts by the mother were dreary to read (on screen it would not be so).

Then, things like the bone fingers pointing seemed almost funny, can't quite explain it but B.  asking a question and the hand responding had a sort of comic timing to it.  

Filmed, this could achieve the tragedy that I imagine is intended.  I don't doubt that.

Writing's good, but I personally don't like the style on display here - the omitted subjects, the short choppy bits and pieces.  It's a personal choice, though, as I can tell you know what you're doing and it shows.

Page 3 and still here, and actually wondering where we're going to go here - which is a good thing and a compliment.

Wow...this Shaman Dude and his evil grin are "raping" poor Berith?  Probably the wrong choice of words.  Also, if you're going to show this, you might as well linger on it a bit longer, as apposed to showing evil Shaman getting dressed, which i doubt anyone wants to see.

Hmm, now he spits at her?  This guy is a real prick!

Oh boy, now we have the "we" stuff going on.  Really?  Always irks me as it's so unnecessary and reads so poorly.  Oh fuck it, I'll stay in and keep going, though.

I also need to point out your scene transitions, which I bet some will love, while others, like myself, will detest.  Every now and then, this will work just fine, but you're going overboard playing Director and IMO, there's just no reason for it.

Page 4 - ahhh, the old "whilst", which gives your heritage away.  Not a favorite word of mine, nor one that should ever show up in a script, as far as I'm concerned.  I think you've missed a new Slug somewhere here as well, as this doesn't sound like EXT BERITH'S COTTAGE anymore.

Wow...Damn...Berith just killed an innocent dude for no reason?  WTF?

The stuff about bringing back the baby doesn't quite work as written, sorry to say.  I was hoping for alot more.

The writing is getting worse and more irritating with the constant dashes and missing words.

"SUMMON'S" - No apostraphe here.

Not a fan of the Series of Shots, sorry to say.  I understand why you chose this, but it doesn't work for me.  Feels rather anticlimatic or repetitive, both, or just rushed too quickly.

And now we have a montage?  Damn...again, I understand why you chose this, but as written, it just doesn't work, IMO.

"looses" - "loses" - it always amazes me how many peeps don't know how to spell "lose"

Ummm, not a big fan of the ending, sorry to say.  Although so much happened here, it seems like it was really all for naught, with literally no one to cheer for.

Good story and very well written.

Really enjoyed this. Would make a really nice short. Could even be fleshed out for a feature. Really, well done.

The rape scene was a little odd. Seems to me at least that Berith agreed to have sex with the Shaman to get her son back. Maybe that's not how it's intended but I just felt the word "rape" was a bit unnecessary.

Great work though. Definitely one of my favourites..

Writing’s effective, short and to the point.  Nice use of visuals in the cemetery to connect us to Berith.  Given the parameters this is one of few stories where the writer managed to convey a sense of depth to their main character.  Berith’s actions carried that much more weight as we know she’s motivated by her loss.

‘They stop. A boney finger points.’  Thought the boney finger gestures came across as oddly comic moment given the dark tone.  The use of ‘OK’ in the dialogue felt out of place given the period, but it’s a small issue.

Thought it would have been better to have Berith’s son remain in the real world following her death -- a final touch of irony.

One of the darker and more well rounded entries -- haunting with moments of brutality.   Good stuff.  Pity it’d be a budget breaker.

#3 story I enjoyed the most.  

28.  The Price by Chocolate Kahuna - A desperate woman struggles with the high price of the one thing she wants most - her dead son brought to life.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘The Price’ I’m expecting something a little ahem… self important bordering on sophomoric. Hope it doesn’t disappoint.
Excellent opening scenes. All dismal and dark, as are the following scenes of sorrow.
Naughty Shaman.
I like the audio transitions between scenes, FWIW.
Berith’s one desperate ol’ bitch baiting and murdering that do-gooder.
Nice skeleton hands. Corny pointing to the side. Sorry.
Pulling the do-gooder’s corpse into the ground looks great!
Man! Whatta rip-off! A life traded for a apparition wisp. Pfft. Gyp.
Very nice series of shots. I like that a lot.
Nice price. Good. Good…
Nice montage. Tim Burton would have fun with this!
Excellent stone ring turned teeth in a mouth! Cool image.
And… all for naught! Fantastic!
One of the best entries! Thank you very much. I enjoyed it.
With some effort you should be able to build an entire feature around this.
Very nice. Good job.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None

Hi Folks

Thanks for the reads. I'm just glad i got an entry...you know what i mean  

I really struggled with this challenge until it dawned on me that a two way portal could be like a deal with the devil, a faustian pact, so to speak.

Berith - was a name that came up when i googled Fallen Angel. Apparently its a demon in various religions.

I liked the idea of a vulnerable person becoming a demon. We are then left with the question are they evil, or were they made evil? Do we sympathise?

Rape - good call folks. It wasn't, it was consensual. But in my rush i wanted to convey a deal of violation. This was to show the sacrifice she would make in order to see her son, which...

...justified what she did next. IE this character would do anything, including kill. She had nothing to lose.

Outsider - why was she? Well, it was a quick way to convey a desperate character who would have such a burning desire for her child. No one to help, or sympathise. Alone.

My OWC flaw - - i have one - possibly more - every OWC. This one was too many transitions. Got carried away. Thats what a couple of days does to writing.

Shaman - I think Rick pointed out that this may not comply with history. Most likely. I was desperate for a name, an emblem, but good call. i always like to tighten the script after the event. Now what do I call help...wizard, traveller...humm...how about Shaman  

Budget - Yeah, this has a silly one, but may be i could trim some stuff. Not a cheapo though.

Ending - what i aspired to do was leave an emotional connudrum.  I feel that is what the concept of fallen angels often through up.

She killed, but was abused. She wanted to see her son, but he didn't really want to see her. Had she failed? Well, yes...but...the complication. In many ways she just wanted recognition, to be known. As the son steps away from the reality she presented, having just killed her, he realises something. His jumping out of the wisp, grabbing the jumper, was meant to show a final recognition of her, her life.

That after all is said and done...she did leave her son with something. A memory of her goodwill...the jumper.... which he took with him. We all die. What will we take with us?

A sense of childhood acceptance. Whatever you have done, you're still my mother.


Thanks all.

One nutso woman. Gutwrenching and horrible... (A great thing!)
Riveting story, beginning to end.  

One nutso woman. Gutwrenching and horrible... (A great thing!)
Riveting story, beginning to end.  

Thanks KPM

Hopefully you read the revised version which is now up. Thanks Don.

It still needs some more work, and I'm undecided over whether to give Berith more backstory or carry on where it starts.

I won't do too much on this as the production costs are going to be off putting, although I did wonder about changing the period to the present day to help.

Cheers

Bill

Just read the rewrite. I like "mystic" much better than "shaman". I don't think you need to be specific with it being "anal" sex. LOL. Say it were ever filmed...that would be some kind of wild close-up.

The first time she's trying to conjure him up, instead of saying "Halloween", maybe "All Hallows Eve". For me, saying Halloween seemed too modern. It might just be me though.

I really love the montage of her killing people over the years. That's awesome. Your writing is so freakin atmospheric, Bill Sarre!!  Always. You have a real gift with that.

As far as the ending goes, in the original, didn't her son end up rejecting her for what she did? I have to say, I like that much more. Even though we feel sorry for her, she is killing a lot of people. My thought is, she gets to touch him once but then is condemned to hell for all that she did. If that's what you've done, I didn't fully grasp it.

Anyway, loved it. Again.

Oh yeah...thank you for taking out the camera direction. LOL.  

Hey Marnie,

kind words and thanks for the re read.

I have to say the amended version was a bit rushed so i really appreciate your feedback.

My aim was to have her rot in hell for what she's done, a justice, but at the same time have her son at least recognise her for that the fact she is his mother.

She was wronged in life and it feels kind of deserved that she makes some connection with him.

Children want to know their parents, and even if bad, they still long for a connection.

At the end, Berith apologies and begs forgiveness. A sign that she is not all bad. Life has made her what she is.

Whilst he is appalled he can't help himself finding some attachment. After all, she's his mother, who just wanted to be with him. To her he was special. A feeling every child wishes to feel. A sign of love, even if she is misguided in what she does to achieve it.

So, from her perspective, it could be described as bitter sweet. She's not with him, but he has at least recognised her and accepted her gift.

A messy solution to a messy situation - parallel to life in many ways. Without the demonic shark  

Hi, BIll

Rewrite looks great.
Love the changes once the OWC limits were lifted.

Production costs... eh... yeah.
Only a Burton-esque big budget would do this justice. Otherwise animation would be the way to go, something more  'Heavy Metal 1981'-ish, nothing CartoonNetwork-ish.

I don't know what your intent with this is, doesn't look like you're writing to produce, and you've already identified the budget for others is prohibitive.
This leaves contest submissions and proof of concept writing as the next likely goals.

Mostly this looks great.

Took me to page 12 to find any quibble.
"Totally" doesn't gee-haw with the time period.
Suggest changing:

               His eyes blink. He tries to adjust to the real world, unsure
               of where he is, or what’s happening. Totally confused.
to
               His eyes blink. He tries to adjust to the real world, confused
               and unsure of where he is, or what’s happening.

I just reread it. Still a great story.

Would really like to see you milk this out into a full length feature, either expand on the current through elaboration or add to it going forward as a rebirth of "Boy" - Now that he's here what does he do? How does his past twenty years haunt him going forward? What special abilities or knowledge does he bring from beyond? What morality lesson can be taught in a Grimm fashion?

Bill

I like the sound transitions in the opening scenes, the “KNOCK KNOCK” to the “THUMP”, nice touch.

The beginning sort of reminds me of The Scarlet Letter due to its time period (although this is perhaps a little earlier) and the shunned female outcast. However, I imagine Berith being ostracized will be for altogether more gothic/pagan reasons as opposed to Hester's extramarital offspring in puritanical Massachusetts! Reading on...

I wondered where the name “Berith” comes from. Any significance?

BERITH
I need to see him. Can you help me?

- Hell ya, woman, why do you think I’m loitering around here. A shaman’s trade is 100% based on location location location!

BERITH
Spirits hear me. I give you this
offering. I wish to see my boy.

- I’m curious about her phrasing here. Is the deal just to “see” her boy? Why not ask for him back in mind and body? I dunno how these Faustian pacts work but I was under the impression it was a soul for a soul, no?

BERITH
Please. Give me something. A kiss.
Just a kiss.

- Ah, now she’s trying to ask for more. Shoulda read the terms and conditions before applying or laid out your request unambiguously from the beginning. If anyone is going to screw you over, it’s the dark lord itself!

“Berith smiles...”

- Ok, she's happy enough with that, I get it. I still thought she would’ve asked for more considering what she’s offered. Anyway, moving on…

I see where you are taking it now in that she will continue to offer sacrifices for more interaction with her deceased son and the toll that will take on her own soul. Intriguing concept, looking forward to see where you’ll go with it.

"Berith, 58, reaches out to her son, 18, now a striking
masculine figure. She tries to hug him - fails."

- Oh c’mon, Berith, you surely know the deal by now, you've been coming here for 18 years. No touching!

BERITH
Stop! I want more. I need my son.

- Really, she lasted for 18 years before breaking and seeking extra from the annually dangled carrot? Could this have happened sooner I wonder?

“Digs up a recent grave”

- Mmm, sneaky. Would Satan not know though? I guess it shouldn't matter. Although, you have to consider why Berith doesn’t do it more than just once as it cuts out a lot of the leg work.

“Berith, 60,”

- Shouldn’t she be 59? Or did she collect the bodies over a two year period? Sh?t, they’ll be in some state come All hallows Eve then!

“Behind her, the stone ring has turned into a huge MOUTH.
Razor sharp teeth all the way round, like a demonic shark.

In a slow, lumbering movement it tears into the bodies.”

- Nice. Cool visuals here.

BERITH
I had to. You died. What could I
do? They wouldn't accept you, or
me.

- I presume at this late stage we’re not going to find out why she and her would-be son are treated so ignominiously by the townsfolk? And that’s fine.

Was he in fact a child borne out of wedlock then?

BERITH
I'm sorry. Forgive...me.

- I'd remove this line, its unnecessary. The story and climax is working well enough on its own without verbalizing it. Plus, I like the idea of her being so consumed by getting her son back that she doesn't even recognize the folly of her ways while being swallowed up. Just raw anger and anguish prevails at this point. That to me is more powerful and compliments the themes at play. Anyway, just a suggestion.

Overall, this was rather excellent, definitely the most satisfying and complete entry I've read although I've only read a few.

Regardless, as a standalone piece on its own terms it’s a great little script. It borrows from tropes old as storytelling itself but you put a nice spin on it.

Top job.

Col.

Ray

many thanks for read, much appreciated.

Quoted from RayW Hi, BIll Rewrite looks great. Love the changes once the OWC limits were lifted. Production costs... eh... yeah. Only a Burton-esque big budget would do this justice. Otherwise animation would be the way to go, something more  'Heavy Metal 1981'-ish, nothing CartoonNetwork-ish. I don't know what your intent with this is, doesn't look like you're writing to produce, and you've already identified the budget for others is prohibitive. This leaves contest submissions and proof of concept writing as the next likely goals.

Production costs - i try much more these days to write sensible budgets, but just didn't have an idea in this OWC.

I wasn't sure it was a contest type script but everyones positive support has changed my mind. I need to tighten it up and all the feedback will really help.

Quoted from RayW Took me to page 12 to find any quibble. "Totally" doesn't gee-haw with the time period. Suggest changing: [

Appreciate that.

Quoted from RayW Would really like to see you milk this out into a full length feature, either expand on the current through elaboration or add to it going forward as a rebirth of "Boy" - Now that he's here what does he do? How does his past twenty years haunt him going forward? What special abilities or knowledge does he bring from beyond? What morality lesson can be taught in a Grimm fashion?

Alas, I'm too lazy with features. One day maybe, although you did make me think. If i did i think this would give me the opportunity to do;

1] berith backstory - quite like the idea she was raped, accused a local leader, and was an outcast on that basis but it leads to the child

2] have the kid stay and take revenge for his mother etc

Hey Col,

i appreciate the read. Thanks.

Yeah, i found this OWC tricky but was pleased i cranked something out.

Taking the faustian pack line i wanted to do something with complexity and within reason it does that. Does the end justify the means etc?

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I wondered where the name “Berith” comes from. Any significance?

Its a name that came up when i goggled Fallen Angel - apparently its a demon found in jewish texts. Not that i knew much of that as i was in a rush and i liked the name. The idea that a normal person, once wronged, can react badly and become a demon.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 BERITH Spirits hear me. I give you this offering. I wish to see my boy. - I’m curious about her phrasing here. Is the deal just to “see” her boy? Why not ask for him back in mind and body? I dunno how these Faustian pacts work but I was under the impression it was a soul for a soul, no?

great point and i have revised my script - new draft up - on the back of this.

The aim was that she just wanted something, anything. But as time goes on and the boy develops in front of her, its no longer satisfactory. The sins she performs gets worse.

In the revised script,  she's told thats all she can get, accepts it, anything is good. But she becomes desperate for more with time. I may also stress her solitude to reinforce the point. She has nobody.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Digs up a recent grave” - Mmm, sneaky. Would Satan not know though? I guess it shouldn't matter. Although, you have to consider why Berith doesn’t do it more than just once as it cuts out a lot of the leg work.

Great point and i have revised the script. Now she kills nine and gathers the bodies but needs one last one. How? She has an idea, cut to digging up the grave.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - I presume at this late stage we’re not going to find out why she and her would-be son are treated so ignominiously by the townsfolk? And that’s fine. Was he in fact a child borne out of wedlock then?

Good question and not one i have come to terms with. Does she need back story to explain the story or can we accept it as it starts.

The out of wedlock is a good one. Another, as explained to ray above, is to have her raped by a leader. She then gets pregnant and is excluded.

For now ill keep it as it is but i can just see a competition script reader say, but why is she an outcast?

One to ponder.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 BERITH I'm sorry. Forgive...me. - I'd remove this line, its unnecessary. The story and climax is working well enough on its own without verbalizing it. Plus, I like the idea of her being so consumed by getting her son back that she doesn't even recognize the folly of her ways while being swallowed up. Just raw anger and anguish prevails at this point. That to me is more powerful and compliments the themes at play. Anyway, just a suggestion.

good question. i have actually reduced this - i've taken out the i'm sorry - but kept it in. Why?

It would be easy to over do, but in essence she goes through this for the love of her child. At that point she has lost it. Everything has gone. No more angry, no more future. What is left is the last thing you would say on your death bed. She knows what she's done - I'm sorry to her first victim etc - and it hasn't worked.

Accordingly i liked her last words to her son being from the heart.

The scene is complicated and mixed, but she wasn't all bad. besides, this then allows him to make the final connection.

Maybe its my soft heart, but whilst she deserved her punishment, she also deserved some recognition.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Overall, this was rather excellent, definitely the most satisfying and complete entry I've read although I've only read a few. Regardless, as a standalone piece on its own terms it’s a great little script. It borrows from tropes old as storytelling itself but you put a nice spin on it. Top job. Col.

Much appreciated.

i must owe you a read.

cheers

bill

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Its a name that came up when i goggled Fallen Angel - apparently its a demon found in jewish texts. Not that i knew much of that as i was in a rush and i liked the name. The idea that a normal person, once wronged, can react badly and become a demon.

- Cool, it does have a dark arts ring to it. Like something out of The Crucible or something.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The aim was that she just wanted something, anything. But as time goes on and the boy develops in front of her, its no longer satisfactory. The sins she performs gets worse. In the revised script, she's told that's all she can get, accepts it, anything is good. But she becomes desperate for more with time. I may also stress her solitude to reinforce the point. She has nobody.

- Yeah, I recognized this was her trajectory from the draft I read too. It was just at the time I wondered why she requested so little when she was out killing someone for it. I totally get where you're coming from though and see how you wanted the story to unfold with her wanting more and more each time.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Great point and i have revised the script. Now she kills nine and gathers the bodies but needs one last one. How? She has an idea, cut to digging up the grave.

- Cool change, that would work great.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Good question and not one i have come to terms with. Does she need back story to explain the story or can we accept it as it starts. The out of wedlock is a good one. Another, as explained to ray above, is to have her raped by a leader. She then gets pregnant and is excluded. For now ill keep it as it is but i can just see a competition script reader say, but why is she an outcast? One to ponder.

- Its not entirely necessary but its something a reader/audience member would wonder about. I mean, if there were an IMDb message board, expect it to be the number 1 thread on there, you know A subtle hint or visual cue would be enough to suggest what you're saying but there's no harm leaving a bit of room for speculation either. Up to you.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer It would be easy to over do, but in essence she goes through this for the love of her child. At that point she has lost it. Everything has gone. No more angry, no more future. What is left is the last thing you would say on your death bed. She knows what she's done - I'm sorry to her first victim etc - and it hasn't worked. Accordingly i liked her last words to her son being from the heart. The scene is complicated and mixed, but she wasn't all bad. besides, this then allows him to make the final connection. Maybe its my soft heart, but whilst she deserved her punishment, she also deserved some recognition.

- On reflection, you make some good points in justifying its inclusion. Its analogous to a death bed confession, seeking repentance for your sins in the final moments. It was just my nihilism rearing its head in wanting to see her remain cursed and embittered as she made the one way journey south.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Its not entirely necessary but its something a reader/audience member would wonder about. I mean, if there were an IMDb message board, expect it to be the number 1 thread on there, you know A subtle hint or visual cue would be enough to suggest what you're saying but there's no harm leaving a bit of room for speculation either. Up to you.

yeah, sound point.

I think i may get one of the playing kids to say something.

At first i was thinking about them saying 'witch' but this clashes with the magic.

The born out of wedlock seems a sound one, just need to think what they could say.

cheers

Very well done for a one week challenge. The writing was strong and the character and her plight sympathetic. The hands coming out of the ground and pointing and doing number signs was a little over the top for me, I would prefer something more subtle myself if it could be thought of, but in general this is a notch or two above a standard OWC. Very talented writer.

Quoted from JSimon Very well done for a one week challenge. The writing was strong and the character and her plight sympathetic. The hands coming out of the ground and pointing and doing number signs was a little over the top for me, I would prefer something more subtle myself if it could be thought of, but in general this is a notch or two above a standard OWC. Very talented writer.

Just spotted this.

Many thanks for the review JS.

Being honest the script you read was amended after the OWC, but it generally went well, even if it would never be made.