Not quite sure the title fit -- where was the exchange?

Anyways, the Otherworlders turned Will into one of their own and left him there -- a good angle but the ending felt flat.  The twist was there, but lacked a sense of irony to really play on the idea and make it memorable.

I got a sense of the heart being at the centre of all this, but again it’s hard to see the connections.  The Rachel angle could/should play more of a role.  Here it’s moot as it seems likely Will would have ventured out into the desert regardless of her having got back to him in time or not -- who knows maybe she’s a pretty open minded girl?  Point is, cutting her out would have no effect on the direction of events.

Nothing wrong with the idea in itself; a breeze to read with some strong visuals just wish it could have been taken a step further to really make its point.

This is well crafted. I really like the vivid descriptions of the serene mountain setting, the whole concept of the native spirits trapped within, sacred grave sites, etc.

The trade off of giving up your own form in order to transfer through the portal into the world of these strange beings, and a clever use of resources to deliver quite a bit of back story with the theme rules put in place... in terms of the character's previous research that is.

This is a guy who gets seriously involved in his research, including, adapting via the necessity to consume flesh and blood. Did the creature he changed places with offer up (to Will) his own heart? Twisted!

... Exchange Student is definitely an appropriate title.

Interesting backstory. Good adventure elements. Good build-up.

Our hero searches a Utah canyon for an ancient portal. A familiar trope - I’m in comfortable territory. I enjoy these types of adventurous quest set-ups. The flashback incorporates Halloween into the story rather well. Of the several shorts I’ve read so far, this is the only one to actually mention the traditions of Halloween. I wish this element was explored even more. Consider showing us a bit of that online article.

You get around the 1 speaker parameter with a phone call. I would enjoy something more creative, in that regard. But it gets out some exposition – a necessary evil. The end of the flashback stung. Very interesting. “What do they eat?” What do “who” eat? For me, this scribbled note teases the appearance of otherworldly inhabitants really effectively. I would rather prefer excising the phone call and focus that screen time on Will’s research. A few more hints about this portal would make me anticipate the later reveal even more.

I wish there were some obstacles for Will to clear before he finds the portal. It seems like he just has to walk along the correct path (on the correct night) to discover the entrance to another world. The opening teased a little more adventure. I suppose I’d like you to follow through with that aspect. I’m not saying full on booby traps like INDIANA JONES or something, but maybe the portal is hidden somewhere less obvious. A minor issue really.

While I enjoy the line, “Trick r treat mother fuckers”, the 4 mentions of “beef heart” (in 1 page) took me out of the moment. I know what you mean though: a cow’s heart. It’s just a case of inappropriate vocabulary. Super easy to fix, right. So… Will essentially rings the dinner bell and a demonic creature exits the portal. Creepy stuff.

You created a horrific vision of this beast. I’m happy you spent time thinking of its appearance. Pretty inventive design. I appreciate it. Filmed right, that would be horrifying. You could maybe add a dash of something else here. Spice it up with this possible ingredient: the portal activates and the heart begins to beat – linking the key with the door.

I liked the next flashback too. This further explores the portal. I appreciate this backstory. It fills in some blanks. And somehow adds some credibility to this mystical quest. I like these alternative-history-type elements.  I’d drop the attempt at humour with the jackpot stuff. For me, it fell flat. Maybe there’s another joke to be had instead? I’d rather have Will sneak away or end the scene on photo of the map. Then transition to that area – where Will now stands or something.

Back in Utah... I liked that Cthulu joke. I thought the creature’s tentacles might have been inspired by LOVECRAFT. Nice touch. Along with the dimensional portal and the non-time element, this tentacled demon-god follows that treasured tradition of Gothic horror. I just wish you coated it with a thicker layer of H.P. Maybe you could embellish that Lovecraft vibe even more. I also enjoyed the mention of Native Americans and the old agreement - simple and effective blending of realism with the swirling surreal.

The exchange goal is clear. No confusion. That groping tentacle stuff would make the audience squirm. Nasty. Creepy. The attack could be embellished a bit more. Give us some gory details perhaps. Or describe the creature’s actions.

I could do without the text message. I feel like it still fits the parameters, but maybe there’s a different way to format it. Maybe the message can be shown in the descriptions. While it is sort of emotional, like maybe Will opened the portal because he had nothing to lose – no lover – it still felt flat for me. I’d prefer if this was just a case of the devil doesn’t honour his deals. OR be careful what you wish for. You wanna go to Hell? Fine. Let me show you the way. Death is the key. (This could, perhaps, be an alternative ending upon revision.)

The end was troublesome for me. It’s hard to end a horror. They are usually ambiguous. The human face on a strange alien demon body would be a hard-sell visually. I like that idea more for a book where you can imagine it as yourself, looking down.  For me, the concept behind the visual is also dodgy. Now he is a demon lurking the canyons, I suppose. The heart was a nice touch. I’m assuming it’s his own, and this would complete the transformation process(?).  The scares could be embellished - maybe by seeing the otherworld?  

Another scenario (to consider) could be Will’s father searched for the canyon portal long ago. He died or went missing. Maybe we see a photo in the opening or some dialogue devoted to Will’s past. Maybe he finds his dad’s glasses or journal while traversing the canyons. The twist here would be his dad became a demon, and he will join him, reunited as demons in the otherworld.

Nice blend of alt. history. Good quest stuff. Cool creature. Flat ending.   * *  1/2  (out of 5)

Not feeling this from the get-go, some really strange phrases have me on the back foot.

Finally, this is the first person to own a smartphone, or actual cell phone in one of the stories I’ve read.

“Looks it over. Reconsiders. Tosses it back on the seat.” I wonder what he’s considering. I’m interested.

“something big and red and bloody.” Something big, red and bloody – but why not be more visual here – give us a hint of what the “something” is.

“like he's looking at the end of his life.” What does this even mean?

“He SLAMS the smartphone down on the desk.” Will better be careful, those things are fragile, and I bet he won’t be covered for such an act if it breaks.

“He's clearly going out of his head.” Really? Show me then.

“What do they eat?” Okay, now I’m curious again – nice line. The writing isn’t the best, but the story is intriguing enough to pull me through.

“A raw beef heart.” You could have just said that before IMO, hardly a big reveal or anything – in fact, it’s underwhelming.

“Trick or treat, fuckers.” Great line, but can’t help but think it would suit an action script – something with Arnie or Bruce Willis in.

That’s one fucked up creature – a mix of all different animals – mammal, reptile and insect.

“shuffling run.” What’s a shuffling run?

Too much time is spent on the book, and I wasn’t really keen on how its written with us watching the finger – possibly just me so no worries.

“...at her desk doing librarian things.” I had to chuckle at this.

“Snaps silent photos” As opposed to get a big crew in and taking loud photos like a model shoot or something. A very weird line.

“He slips the smartphone (carefully) back into a pocket.” I like that Will’s listening. He’s not slamming his phone on desks anymore. That’s improvement and a change in character.

“(loud voice)” or shouts, but I didn’t like this reaction – hardly feels appropriate, more like when you’ve won the lottery.

“denizen” Never heard that one before – does it fit here?

Why is Will talking to the beast like that? “Look, big guy.” And “I hope so, my friend.” Feels strange in the situation to me. To be fair, I haven’t quite worked out what Will’s big plan is yet.

“Fair enough?” That was the plan – give this big and horrible looking creature a beef heart and request a student exchange for the night. The beast is already through the door, why does he care what Will wants. I think Will needed to think this plan through a little more.

“That's not an answer.” How does he know? It’s possible that in the otherworld, wiping tentacles over someone’s face means yes.

I didn’t really get it to be honest. Will chases down clues to find this mystery otherworld, once he finds where it is, and also that some unspeakable devils that are unstoppable are there, he decides to go there “all by himself” and ask them “nicely” if he can be allowed one night in their world to take pictures with his smartphone.

That bugged me, so he wants to take photos and explore but he doesn’t get a professional camera. Actually, when you think about it, he wasn’t prepared at all other than having a beef heart.

I don’t know, the girlfriend subplot doesn’t go anywhere so that’s pointless – we get that he’s driving Rachel away because of his investigation and at the end, he’s gone for good, so it doesn’t really add much to the story.

I do like the idea of the creatures turning him into one of them or a hybrid at least. Maybe that’s the point, the creatures were that offended by his beef heart offer that they decided to make him pay by eating his own.

I just don’t believe that a person would be so stupid to go out there all alone, maybe it’s because no one believed him or as I suspect, he thinks he’s going to make a shit load of money from the pictures and its greed that pushes him on.

That’s the problem with this one for me overall, I didn’t understand the characters true motivations and that means I couldn’t get on his side over the course of story. Why’s he doing this? There is some intriguing moments but at the end of it all, this one fell flat for me.

Exchange Student

Hello,

Will is a humorous character. I like his dialogue and all that. My point here is, taken together that character-adventure and supernatural stuff, you're quickly moving to a kind of Men In Black style.

It reads more as a tale. So, it's a nice short story and maybe there's a feature inside, a Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones mix or sth. .

I think in today's short films we need to be bold, striking, and pithy – to get clicks
or
avant-garde and artistic with regards to the festivals.

I try to make that a main criterion this time to see things as a film for given target audiences. So, I hope this helps to get a critique of that kind.

Just seen as a short story you entertained me, no doubt.

SPOILERS

This is a BHS - Basic Horror Story. It fits the requirements.  I think the title, while cleaver, gives away the ending.  

I liked the ending.  However, I may have missed the logic.  There is a peace treaty.  Why was Will transformed?  Was the peace treaty with the first monster, but not the other three?  Did Will miss something in the peach treaty?  THe next day when the portal closes, where is WILL?  Ourside or Otherworld side? Did he leave too late?

Observation:

Always take the gun with you.  ALWAYS.


I'm not sure how I feel about the use of:

Code WILL jots notes on a writing pad

and

Code WILL Grabs his smartphone

I think THE CANYON slugs should be full slugs.  For some reason, it took me out of the story.  

The Rachel side story was unneeded.  Rachel doesn't motivate him.  The fact that Rachel still loves him is inconsiquential to the story.  

In Short: A decent story and I was entertained.

This was pretty decent. Although not everything really makes sense and seems like it was probably rushed.

The whole relationship with this girl he's texting has nothing to do with the story. Am I right or am I missing something?

Good, weird ending. But, again, seems rushed. Why is there a human heart?

Good writing and definitely has potential. Just think some things need clearing up..

I guess this’ll have to be a harsh one, but what can I say? I struggled.

Clarity was a big issue for me. Specifically in regards to what Will knows about these creatures. He evokes a peace treaty with some confidence. But why is he so confident? Why does he think he can talk to these creatures and understand what they want? Why does he think they can understand him? I guess cause of the peace treaty, but the Indians probably weren’t speaking English when they made it.

Is it a bad translation that results in them exchanging bodies, or are the creatures just screwing him over? And even at the end, why does he eat the heart? It says he considers what it means, and I suppose he figured it out, but I didn’t.

I’m imagining a man at the zoo climbing into a lion’s cage and talking about ‘being one of them’ and trying to cuddle them and eat their food… and then getting attacked and ripped to shreds. I could never hope to understand what’s going on inside that guy’s head. He obviously lives in a very different world than I do. And in its way, so does this story.

Quoted from CoopBazinga “shuffling run.” What’s a shuffling run?

A run where one shuffles. Surely can't be that hard to grasp. I've seen that exact description used in quite a few novels over the years.

But why would you shuffle cards and run? Surely you'd be sat at a table. With a cup of tea.

R

Quoted from rendevous But why would you shuffle cards and run? R

It's healthier.

As almost always, I love Coop's reviews - witty and accurate, and I'm board with most of what he mentions.

Writing out of the gate is not good...it's trying to be, but it's not.

We're in an EXT scene, and Will is being intro'd inside the Jeep - is it impossible to do this?  No, but it's not really the writer's call and I always recommend to just write it the way it should be and if a Director wanst to do something different, let them do that.

Next Slug needs to be a full Slug, as you're changing from EXT to INT.

"He's in the right place." - This aside takes me so out of the read!  And then, you follow it with 3 setences that should be their own passage - no reason to have these 2 completely different thoughts linked together.

Writing is getting worse quickly - very sterile.

"THE CANYON" - Again, you can't use Mini SLugs when you're switching between INT and EXT scenes.

"looking at the end of his life"?  WTF?

Page 2 - Wow, the writing and formatting is falling apart.

Will's phone dialogue isn't good either - doesn't sound remotely realistic.

"He's clearly going out of his head." - Yeah, clearly...not!  I'm struggling to stay with this...

1 more time - YOU NEED TO USE FULL SLUGS!!!

"He stops. Squints at what's ahead." - You're doing this alot and it's something that's so easy to correct.  Why do you have this as 2 sentences?  No need to. COnnect them with a comma and you'll find that the read is both easier and faster, as when we see a period, we know it's a stop, and for a brief instant, we do stop, whereas when we see a comma, we merely pause.  May sound crazy, but it's true.

Page 3 - Sorry, but that's it for me.  Writing is so sterile.  The plot is so contrived.  Nothing seems remotely realistic to me.

Had my attention the entire time...
Really well-written. Sure makes the read easy.

Little puzzled by how Will became a tentacle-clad Otherworlder just by being dragged into the portal. The first creature ate, apparently, another creature's heart. Will ends up eating his own though...

Terrific visual quality here. My mental pictures were really vivid. A great thing!

*Spoilers*

LOVE the writing in this.  Assured, with subtle touches of dark humor (yelling in the library, etc.)
And it hewed pretty close to the OWC requirements, as well.

The only thing I have potential issue with is the ending.  First off, I'm not sure it really works - or what actually happened.  Why did Will's body get switched from the neck down?  I'm assuming that means there's a monster head out there with his body?  And the heart in the tupperware container...  was it his, or Rachel's? I have a feeling a straight switch without the Frankenstein moments (and the monsters just overrunning the earth again) would've worked better for me.  

A lot of the other reviews say that this was well written and an easy read. I'd have to disagree and say that this was a really hard read.

The action blocks were a pain to read, it felt like there was a dot after every 3 words on average. I don't think the writer would have anything to lose by merging their action lines and using commas. For me, the writing doesn't flow at all.

Annoying talking to himself moments in the library along with this one in the canyon "Trick or treat, fuckers." really took me out of the story.

The title is clever, some parts of the story were pretty good. At least there was decent backstory. Unfortunately the text from Rachel broke the dialogue rule. The ending didn't make a lot of sense either. I don't think using the word devour helped, it has multiple definitions that could work here and I have no idea which one the writer meant.

7 pages felt like 20. This definitely wasn't for me, sorry.