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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Conversion - OWC
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  Author    Conversion - OWC  (currently 6126 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Conversion by Henry Christner (Stumpzian) - Short, Horror - A woman faces a point of no return while seeking treatment for a forgotten early trauma. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 22nd, 2015, 2:49pm
revised draft
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, this was an interesting read, very clever using the tharapist, a Sci-Fi/cyberpunk angle and...time travel...? One of the better entries thus far. Always wondered where you were going with this. Nice work.


Minor quibbles

Quoted Text
Book titles: Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche,
Interpretation of Fairy Tales, Power of Myth, Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders


I'm assuming the converted walk in closet is open. But even so, who cares?


Quoted Text
52 mg
Spell out the word in dialog.

"Moment later", "Suddenly" uneeded words.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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No fade in – That’s it, I’m out! Of course I’m joking, and yes, I do use this same line every OWC.

Must be one big walk in closet?

Love the book titles… nothing from Stephen King?

Mutism – clever – but I must admit that I’m not enjoying all the Doctor talk.

You really don’t like the word “and” do you… it can sometimes make for awkward passages.

Is the window in the walk-in closet/makeshift office? If so, how many walk-in closets have you been in that had a window? People normally get changed in such an area – maybe she had one built in after it was turned into an office. Doesn’t really matter I guess. Actually, now I realize its two different rooms – my apologies.

The dialogue’s struggling – pure exposition but I put that more down to the criteria of the challenge. It was certainly tough.

Over halfway through and not lot has happened other than lots of exposition fed to me – good news is that it looks like things are about to turn ugly… I hope.

You don’t need the full slug “INT. THERAPY ROOM – LATER” Just LATER would have sufficed but it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things.

Linda has a great memory – I can’t even remember what happened yesterday, let alone when I was 5. I guess a traumatic event would help in this instance.

Are we in a flashback now? It’s not labelled, or is this on the monitor?

Okay, I really hope the Raggedy Ann doll becomes like Chucky and kills Linda’s parents – it may just save this one for me.

Slugs become a little inconsistent – no big deal.

What happened at the end?

Some peeps are going to like this but unfortunately it wasn’t for me. I just found it all rather dull without any conflict until the final few pages which obviously didn’t help.

These slow pace stories are fine if there’s something cling on to which I guess you could argue is the mystery behind Linda’s past, but that wasn’t enough for me here. I didn’t feel any tension in the scenes, nor did I really like either character.

That’s a shame really… Dr. Tinsley seems like a nice-rounded character at first as you set her up but at the end of it all, none of that actually mattered. Her family, why she’s working in a walk-in closet etc didn’t mean anything. It actually becomes Linda’s story from the halfway point and the good Doctor is purely there for exposition or so it seemed to me anyway.

I would try to move the story along quicker, and utilize Dr. Tinsley more or least cut back on the character. At this moment, it doesn’t matter what building she works in, or if she has a family. It would matter if there was stakes but there isn’t any here at all.

I take it she died at the end, and that result would have been the same if she didn’t have a family and worked for a big corporation in downtown. I’m just rambling now so my apologies.

Either way, this story just takes too long to get going and when the good stuff does come, it’s rather a letdown IMO. Like I say though, I do expect some to really like this but it’s just not my thing.

Nothing wrong with the writing, obviously from someone who’s been around the block a few times – I would even have a guess of the author as well. Actually, I’m pretty confident I know but that probably means I’m well off the mark.
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EWall433
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Starts strong, but as it goes on the exposition is getting a bit much. Part of that’s due to your high concept, which in-and-of itself sounds pretty neat, but it’d be a lot to set up even if both characters were talking. Maybe if there was a way to see it in action rather than hear it explained, like a previous patient or even an instructional video.

I was definitely engaged the whole way through, but wasn’t sure what to make of the ending. Presumably Linda has been possessed by her mother, but is this literally or has she just had a psychotic break. It could go either way I suppose and isn’t really important except that I didn’t feel either angle had really been set up. It kind of came out of nowhere for me.

So I dig the device and enjoyed the idea of unraveling a mystery by viewing memories, but I think the payoff needs to be rethought or tied more strongly to Linda’s state of mind (which I never had a good bead on in the first place).
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Myth therapy.

Lovely, creepy idea pregnant with potential.


From the outset, the lack of dialogue feels unnatural. Feels like we really should be able to get in the head of the patient more. It ends up being an exposition fest.

I greatly fear you've picked the wrong story to tell in this medium.

However..my fears were largely unfounded. You managed to create something here. There's clunkiness in the story, but all of that is caused by the limitations of the challenge, not by the standard of your writing.

Despite a slow, exposition heavy opening, this works well.

One of the few that really fits the Horror Fantasy genre. Like the way you've managed to keep the fairy tale tone whilst introducing the horror and rational/sci fi elements.

Bump up either the idea that it's her inner, "True" self that's being revealed or that the Mother is coming through somehow. The latter seems to be what it's about, but the mechanics of how it's happening aren't overly strong at the mo. I don't mean you have to explain it scientifically, but build up the idea that the Mother's presence is growing stronger...in the body language of the patient, in the imagery on the screen, some readings on equipment etc.

Good job.

The Title is maybe too obvious, maybe there's something better that somehow suggests  finding your inner self. What that is, I don't know.

Good job.
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LC
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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There's a real flair in the writing of this one - most noticeable in the finer details of description and style. I reckon I might know the author   then again I could be wrong.

I enjoyed this story a lot.

The denouement was a little anticlimactic and a bit predictable but I thoroughly enjoyed it nevertheless.

Like another I just read though I think it's missing a bit of the fantasy element. Aside from that, great job.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Stumping farmer ....amazing what the spell check throws up when you try and type the name.

Is 62 required in the LOGLINE. Let's see...

Therapist memo - good idea for revealing details
Therapy with a mute...challenging
Oh, you found the underlying function

A computer transferring thoughts to images - excellent idea. Love it. Show not tell. Spot on.

Slugs on p8 started losing me. Am I seeing this on screen or have we shifts locations.

Good story - just we need 100% clarity where this is taking place. I assumed we saw the original story, not on the screen. A blend may be more effective.

Turning into Her mother...well it could work, but to be in jarred. So far I saw no fantasy, just a gritty thriller/drama unfolding due to new technology

I suppose you had to do the swap to fit the criteria, but after I would change that.

Could she talk afterwards...

Good concept. Liked it.


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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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It was an easy read, easy to follow little tale.
It fits the criteria well, minus the date - it's supposed to happen on Oct 31 and the date is kind of superflous to the story in my opinion.
Not like mine fit the criteria and I found many that weren't strictly about the date. So, no biggie.

The premise is good. And like I said it was an easy read.
I guess Linda was unable to talk because of the horrific past. And that's why she visits the therapist.

It lost direction for me a bit. I kind of wish to see the doctor pry or show some attitude toward Linda's past. Otherwise Linda's mother doesn't have a reason to turn against the doctor.
I just wish there was more drama, more of a conflict. Otherwise neat little story.

"32 inch monitor" - and details like that... are they important? I dont' know, I wouldn't include them if they don't matter. But your call.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure about the logline. I find it strange how you decide to mention explicitly how old she is, probably a better verb out there.

The first page feels like a contrived way to force in exposition, I know why you did it but it just reads badly. Let the audience come to the conclusion of a character, if you're any decent of a writer, it should be there naturally.

"twenties-era houses, offices" houses, offices? Might be my English...

"So, did you get that costume you
wanted...the one on e-Bay?" Stuff like this, although not explicitly bad, is lacking any flair or energy to it. She just kind of... Says it, which really isn't how you want a character talking, she doesn't feel real is what I'm saying. "So, how's Raggedy Ann going? Costume with the polka dots? Ever got the sale?" Now, I know how that sounds like some French hitman dialogue out of that pisser floating about, but I hope you see what I mean.

"Suddenly, EYES fill the entire screen. They look angry,
yellowish." Genuinely creepy, I love it. Been a while since a script got that reaction out of me.

Like the ending but...

Not sure if the whole script works. I sure didn't see anything coming, that's for sure. But just the whole fact that the first five pages are exposition, mindless exposition mind you, really slow down the read. I know, I know -- one character and all, but I'd highly suggest trying to get a lot of this through visuals instead of "I have a magic sci-fi machine that doesn't need to be there". Flashbacks could work, but then again, she can't talk so...

The second problem is the lack of originality or motives. The climax doesn't directly concern the  story as a whole, it's a back story that never needed to be resolved (for the plot). As in, your story isn't about the murder, your story is about the woman's lack of resolve, so adding something like a slasher plot that's frankly, very weak and done-that, lacks a connection with the reader since it ends up no where in particular. I feel as if you're coming at this the wrong way, or at least the lack of a real resolution is. Hard to articulate my thoughts on this one, might come back to it.

Edit: Seems like Coops has a lot of stuff dead-on.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was written with skill by a vet.  The setup is intriguing, although not that original.  Technology that converts thought patterns into visual images is a sci-fi staple.  I bought into the premise up until the point where the full clear images of her childhood memories play on the monitor.  Since this seems to be set in present day, I just couldn't buy into that Star Trek level of tech.  IMO, the images on the monitor should have been kept to primitive shapes, etc. to reflect the chaotic world inside Linda's mind.  Also would have liked to have seen a buildup of tension and dread, where the doctor slowly realizes that her patient has tapped into something terrifying deep in her psyche.  The slasher ending was a letdown.
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rendevous
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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I was enjoying this. I don't like punched dialogue. And some of the dialogue could do with a trim.

It does seem a bit low on horror. Apart from one bit. However, there's a lot of good ideas and it fits the rest of the challenge well.

It does need some work. But that said, nearly every script does. A rewrite would be worth the read.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Too much dialogue not enough action. My mind is starting to wander around page 5. Hopefully something happens soon.

Too drawn out for very little pay off. To be honest I skip-read the last few pages.


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c m hall
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This story is cleverly written and the characters, although briefly seen, are vivid and interesting.

Some confusion for me about what appears on the monitor, are all of the scenes from the past visible to Dr. Rita in the same detail that we read about them?

That's some powerful software that can put weight on a skinny woman and turn her into her own dead mother.  

The first scary moment, for me, was realizing that a walk-in closet was converted to an office.
This conversion business is brutal.

Linda's retrieved memories are truly horrors.  Linda's conversion to her mother is another  horror, and although it seems weird and unfair it's no worse than what the mother did to Linda's father.  

IMO this is a successful script.


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Last Fountain
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Good visuals. Strong writing. Good theoretical science & gadgets. Psychological and gory.

I love the supernatural mixed with science. Or should I say theoretical science. Nice hint to Ray Kurzweil if I caught that correctly. I get inspired by his ideas as well. For me, it adds some nerd credibility. I mean nerd as a compliment there. The doctor occupation better excuses a case of mutism in the story. So good natural weaving of the challenge parameters.

That Raggedy Ann mask could be pretty creepy with right atmosphere on film. I like how you work in the portal stuff. And love how you clearly draw the comparison to Linda and her troubled past. The suggested twist for me is that something from her memory will cross over into our world. That would be really interesting.

That wired cap device would be cool to see. And more radical gadget porn with that memory projector. I get a Cronenberg vibe here. Go Canada. For me, this edge of possibility scifi stuff is great. It freaks me out. Good scifi draws caution to new technology. I love the thought out details behind the tech. I enjoy good exposition. Nice work with that too. Let's see what you do with this very compelling concept and unique approach to the portal (within). The "envision your mother" result was great. Good chance to make the audience jump in their seats.

I also must commend you on your delicately balanced descriptions. So vivid and accurate. A standout example is after Doc says "try your father" on page 6. Loved it. I would think it's hard to describe illustory or fragmented memory images, but it came across perfectly. Nice work. This concept begs the question: when we remember are we (metaphorically) entering another world through a portal.

I'm liking that mask more and more. Creepy. It keeps her expression hidden. Good parallel to what hides behind her everyday mask of voluntary(?) mutism. Also parallels life, like serial killers that hide behind a smile, right. Spooky. Subtle decision to freak us out. I imagine it would be even more effective on screen, combined with sound design and editing and flashing back.

Some horror and gore soon follows with bodily dismemberment. And what's Halloween without that. Holy shit in the outhouse. Take that as you will. Real freaky shit. Dur. I did it again. Seriously though. That's scary and disgusting. And what's Halloween without -that-.

Then wham back to reality,  with a passenger on board. She brought that memory to life. Possessed by a nightmare of the past. Her mom is back. Good twist. And open to interpretation. I think you diverted my earlier expectation for the twist. But as i read that scene something interesting happened. I realized you might be fucking with me and my assumptions.

It was really exciting to have this twist unfold.Suddenly, it all made sense. The flashback led me to this conclusion on the end. And I'm well aware I could be way off. if I am wrong,  writer, you should still be happy you got me so wrapped up and involved to this degree of active participation during my reading.Enough of a preface...

 For me, that dark shadow(that lurks behind Linda during flashback) is metaphorical. Really, young Linda snapped, like her mom did (predisposed to mental illness), and she kills her mom that night. That's why she needs help in the present day. Maybe she's been released from years of institutionalization and under mandatory supervision. She locks up her memory of that night, effectively shackling that shadowy beast within. This tech unlocked the memory and the monster. She snaps again, like that night her worldcended.

A strong cautionary tale. I'm looking forward to other interpretations after I've posted this.  I love when you can discuss an ending, or when it's unique to the individual. Good stuff.

Inventive. Scary. Nice blend of science. Strong ending open for discussion.   *  *  *  *   (out of 5)


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DS
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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I very much enjoyed this one. There's probably room for discussion on if the fantasy angle exists here, I imagine it could depending on how to interpret the ending. It was ambiguous to me and I see from the other comments that I'm not alone.

The use of the mind like that, especially in horror, is in my opinion a brilliant concept. This script gets a lot of points from me for that alone.

The portrayal of Dr. Tinsley was well done in my opinion. She came off as a regular person, a bit patronising, throwing in some bad jokes. I also enjoyed the choice of a 62 year old, picking a person that's suffered their entire life. It adds a certain amount of gravitas to the script.

I thought the story beats were well done too. Give us a glimpse of Dr. Tinsley's private life at the start but without it overstaying its welcome, just a glimpse. All we need to know without turning the story to it. Gives her demise in the end a bigger effect. The rest we find out about her when watching her work. No time wasted to get to Linda's story. A slow-burn to the horror, but I don't mind that as we gain a lot of knowledge about her and it keeps the reader guessing. If I had to say something negative, perhaps her backstory was a little too obvious. Good work.
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