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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Conversion - OWC
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  Author    Conversion - OWC  (currently 6127 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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*spoilers*

Far out story! The way Linda communicates with imagery is a great idea, and just goes to show that limitations can bring forth amazing premises.

Issues I have are Tinsley's dialogue, it took me out of the creative tech a bit. It's not bad, it's just explaining it this way to Linda's character didn't fit. I'm sure if it was another type, it would've worked. That, and the ending was confusing. It might work better if you fade out on a visual from the screen - something that spooks the shit out of us.

Good job! Another fav.  

*Also, even though the rain might set the tone, I think it's at odds with the cabin scenes. Consider making it sunny, so it juxtaposes the memories.*
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Really liked this one. A breeze to read. I like your scene structure also. Like when Linda gets dropped off by the taxi and we see the building from the outside.

The story has lots of potential but I think it needs a bit more room. I dug the concept though. Really nice job here.  


boop
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wonkavite
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was extremely gory at the end!!  Not bad writing, and a very interesting concept.  

There are issues I see with this one.  It doesn't really fit the OWC criteria; although one COULD interpret the regression therapy as a portal through which Linda could go back - and her mother could enter.  So scratch that, it's within the parameters.

I find it hard to understand how that technology could result in such a portal, though.  And I would have personally liked to understand a bit more about the parent's dynamics to justify that kind of homicide. As such, it felt like it came out of left field.

Still, a creative interpretation of the challenge.  So kudos to the writer.

Cheers,

--J (W)
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. Easy to read and kept my interest throughout.

I kept thinking while reading that this would be an easy script to film. Then things got a bit trickier as we started to see Linda's childhood. But, if done with quick flashes instead, this could be a creepy short.

Nice touch with the dad's head in the outhouse....  

I thought this fit the challenge well. Someone said there was no portal, but IMO, a portal could be anything that connects two worlds or two places in time. It doesn't have to be an actual portal as in a door, gate or hole.

I had no problem with the expositional dialogue. It felt like a real psych session to me.

A nice creepy entry to the OWC! Congratulations.  


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stevemiles
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Writing’s assured and I liked the visual clues at the outset -- given the constraints it’s a useful shorthand to quickly connect us to the character.  The issue for me is that beyond this the focus fell on Linda and unearthing her past with Dr. Tinsley relegated to doctor mode and explaining the therapy process.

For me there was something about a 62 year old Linda dressed as Raggedy Anne that lent this a slightly comic visual -- might have been better if she still carried the doll around to give you that detail to work with.

Liked the use of the computer screen to build tension up to that final moment.  Though it felt odd to then cut to straight out flashbacks -- unless that’s what we were supposed to be seeing on the computer screen -- wasn’t sure.

A couple of decent scares (dad’s head in the out-house was a grim touch).  Could have done with more of a hint as to the mother’s motivation or at least how it all tied back into the opening of the ‘portal’ and Linda’s conversion -- the pay-off felt a bit flat as a result.  Enjoyable read nonetheless.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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SAC
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Good job on this. Definitely near the top in my book. I liked everything about this one. It was clear, you ratcheted the tension at the turn of every page. And your ending kicked ass. So much for modern technology. The Raggedy Ann dress carried with it a nice creep factor, as did little
Linda in the outhouse.

This seemed well thought out, and feels like it might've come to you all at once. I'm sorry. Perhaps too much gushing. The only thing I didn't like were the underlining of words. I know what it's for, but it just seemed a bit too much. However, it's only a nitpick really. Job well done.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Only 2 more scripts to read, so i'll really try and stick around for this one.

Notes, as I go...

Opening passage is not the way to jump out of the gate - by skiping simple opening words like "A", or whateve, the writing comes off as stilted.  "coverted walk-in closet" - WTF?

2nd passage is also poorly realized - again, comes off as stilted by simply naming a bunch of books in a brand new passage, while the last passage didn't even mention any books - odd, to say the least.

Is 5:15 really evening?  Not on my clock it's not.

Exposition overload!!!!  Well, at least we know a little about this 62 year old Linda Stover now.

EXT. TAXI is not the proper Slug here.  Actualy, it should be something like NEIGHBORHOOD or the like.

Lots of overdescribing going on.  2 pages in and very little has happened.

Page 3 - you repeated the Slug we were already in - maybe just a Mini of LATER.

Well, there's the exact challenge paramters spoken aloud by Dr. Tinsley - not good, IMO.

4 pages in and so much exposition going on, being spoon fed to us through Tinsley.  Not my cup of tea, but I'll stick around.

Page 5 - the same damn Slug again?  That makes 3 times in a row, I think.  WTF?

Page 6 - Slug work is very poor.  It's touugh when you basically only have 1 setting, but there are numerous ways to psice things up and you sure haven't even attempted that here, which is giving this such a slow, dull pace.

You also should be using an insert when you show just the screen - this is actually the way to make this read better and read clearer.

Page 7 - Same Slug again?  Damn, bro...

Next Slug is just incorrect.  Is it the screen we're seeing?  A Flashback?  This needs lots of attention and cleanup.

I could continually comment on tyhe extremely poor Slug use, but at this point, I don't think it matters anymore.

Is the parent's bed in the same bedroom?  You haven't set this scene very well and it's impossible to "see" this.

Page 8 - "CABIN ROOMS" - WTF?  I said I woldn't address the Slugs again, but with this one, I have to.  If you can't write remotely clear Slugs, you can't expect your readers to be able to follow along.  Sorry to say, but your Slug writing is some of the poorest I've ever seen.

And a total WTF ending.  No, doesn't work for me at all.  Doesn't make any sense, and really, this whole exercise comes off as completely meaningless and a waste of a potential good idea.
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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4.  Conversion by Stumpzian Farber - A 62-year-old woman faces a point of no return while seeking treatment for a forgotten early trauma.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Conversion’ I’m expecting something to convert from one state to another and that’s about it. Hope it’s cool.
I see that you know your way around the DSM, nice.
Good establishing set up and opening.
Wow. This is some kind of intense therapy asking a 62yo woman to arrive at a late night therapy session on Halloween night and dress up in costume while the doctor herself lounges in sweats. Very unconventional.
“We were so lucky to win the grant for this software” is a bit tacky for dialog.
Coal miner’s cabin scenario is good.
Arguing parents, frightened child Linda, and Raggedy Ann doll are all good.
Mom butchers Dad, disposes of him into the outhouse. Crazy.
Adult Linda has become Mom IRL!

Uh… Okay.
The outhouse door is the portal doorway? IDK.
Story’s got a few kinks to work out with a solid scenario build.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Needs a different title as the “conversion” aspect really isn’t addressed or even suggested really.
- Have “Linda shifts her weight, crosses her legs” after Dr. T states “... things you can’t remember that still cause you problems” referring to Linda’s bed wetting that continues to this day.
- Delete the clunky “We were so lucky to win the grant for this software” line. No need.
- The “child Linda has a Raggedy Ann doll becomes adult Linda dressed in a Raggedy Ann costume” leap needs more smoothing out for a justifiable reason. I’ll agree the older adult in costume looks creepy-great on screen, but it makes little sense as provided: I had this doll as a child - now I must dress up as it. WTF?
- The reason Mom butchered Dad needs more clarity.
- Linda smashing the monitor seems a wee over the top, but then… she has become her mother in some sort of “conversion.” Make that whole process of conversion more clear. Subtle events require only subtle explanations, but more violent and dramatic events benefit from more defined and concrete explanations. The trick is to craft something that isn’t quite on the nose!



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LC
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
... Make that whole process of conversion more clear. Subtle events require only subtle explanations, but more violent and dramatic events benefit from more defined and concrete explanations. The trick is to craft something that isn’t quite on the nose!


We're reading scripts as blueprints for films. And, this is the author's vision. You really need an 'imo' after that last statement... imo.

Personally I find it really annoying to read a reviewer's vision/assessment of something as though it is fact. Give your opinion as just that, not a statement of fact.



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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Okay.


It's under the heading "Suggestions."
It's not a command.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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CONVERSION

Hello,

"Linda returns in the Raggedy-Ann dress."

Haha, that's all absurd with regards to what we got to know about her before - I like it.

"I'm gonna start calling you Raggedy Linda!"

You established the above without using it any further.

Till p7 it's all good, very interesting how those images transfer to the computer screen. It's overwritten, not with words - the pictures are a bit too repetitive, as well as the dialogue. You can easily bundle it to give an optimal presentation imo.

It's all about the payoff now.

Okay you want it hardcore.

A few unbalanced points: The small Linda goes to sleep again while her mother's sawing something in the middle of the night. Okay, could be an animal her mother cuts up. Anyway, since we know her father is the stabile point in Linda's life, and he's not lying in bed – I don't understand her inner conflict if she can sleep while the unstable point, her mother, is alone at home, and the one who she needs not--and still she can sleep. It's fussy of me but you have the quality to do it better. At the moment I can see you needed the scenario for the story, to let her go outside alone later.

It was truly horrible. The fear for kids is very intense. The structure and plotting concerning that modern therapy was fresh.

The only point that I really disliked is that I don't understood the ending here. Maybe it's not good enough constructed.
I think it should explain what Linda finally brought back from the underworld is her mother -- those maniac features of her mother.

But that only came into my mind after a while, when I reminded the Doc said to Linda that she will be able to bring back some things into present. The dialogue when this has been explained is too far away from the ending, for me. So, it anyhow would need a last and final plot to focus our way back with her together.
It entertained me. It was hard to experience the Horror with a kid; usually not my thing, although you've done it very effective.



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IamGlenn
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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This is pretty good.

Good writing and a nice creepy story. A little drawn out but ends well.

Having said that, I don't think I'm too sure what happened at the end? She became her mother?

Overall though, good job.


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Kyle
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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I thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish.

The use of the recorder was a clever way of getting over exposition without it feeling forced or unnatural.

I had to google Raggedy Ann as never heard of it/her. The thought of a damaged 62 year old women dressed like that was creepy enough, without the ending.

I think this could be even better with a re-write where Linda speaks a little as well. But overall, for me, this ticked all the right boxes and fitted the challenge perfectly.
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Abe from LA
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the horror elements and while I agree that things get off to a sluggish start, you kept me hooked as I anticipated something murderous happening at the end--as it did.
Some of the flashbacks were too vivid. I wasn't a fan of the exposition explaining the otherworld and sundown/sunrise thing.

The whole Raggedy Ann costume thing is kooky in itself, but I liked it. Especially when Linda had to wear a mask.  That's flat-out creepy in my book.

It would have worked better for me if Dr. T explained that she was going to use a controversial technique to open up or expand Linda's mind. Something totally unorthodox, perhaps a newest techno version of shock therapy.

I wouldn't mind seeing Dr. T as being a maverick and portrayed as somebody who would work out of a converted closet, while conducting late night mind probes.

Something about the ending brought to mind Pia's "Heart of Coal." I got to thinking what if Dr. T and every other shrink is approaching this patient from the wrong angle. Instead of being the victim, what if she was the 'monster.' She might have buried all this in her mind, only to have Dr. T bring back the truth.

If you wanted to stay with your story, I'd say put emphasis on the monitor and what it reveals. But do it slowly. So that it's all fuzz and haze to begin with. As the minutes pass and the computer deciphers the image, it becomes more recognizable. This isn't new territory, but it does ramp up the tension as Tinsley and viewers play a waiting game to see what is revealed.
Think of the Costner film "No Way Out" and the old Night Gallery episode, "The Nature of the Enemy."

another thought, what if Tinsley could physically cross over into the otherworld. Which could mean entering the patient's mind or nightmare. She could be looking at a screen from the outside in, and then from realize too late that she is looking from the inside out. Dr. T could find herself trapped with Linda's crazy mother. Again, not a fresh idea, but it might be fun to follow the doc's reaction "really getting inside her patient's head."

All in all, I liked this story. Execution was not great, but there are building blocks here to construct something evil and fun once the OWC restraints are lifted. Nice job.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 13th, 2014, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Henry

First off, form a technical standpoint the writing is very assured, clear and concise.

“She stops again, opens a manila folder, scans notes.”

- Ah, the good ole manila folder gets another name drop. If there is ever a folder (or envelope) on screen, particularly involved the passing of illicit payments, tis always of the manila persuasion

“LINDA STOVER (62) steps to the sidewalk. She is thin, less
than five feet tall. She carries a purse, grocery bag, folded
umbrella.”

- Given her pre-intro; PTSD, lifelong bed wetting, mutism and so on, I thought we would get a more in depth description of what Linda  actually looks like outside of her diminutive stature. I’d imagine these sort of persistent ailments and psychological scarring would take their toll physically, show in her face, her expressions, etc.

DR. TINSLEY
Your other world is what happened
to you as a little girl...things
you can't remember that still cause
you the problems.
(beat)
Now, the costume will help block
out this world long enough for you
to find the door to your other
world...your past world.
(beat)
The Nitridium you took will help
you walk through that door.

- Whoa, a chunk of info is dropped on us here. I know you attempted to set it up with the opening scene in Dr. Tinsley’s office and her fields of research but it’s a lot to just tell the audience there and then and we are to accept it as being part of the script’s mythology i.e. the other world being the cause of Linda’s trauma, the costume’s role, the wonder drug to assist in matters. On the other hand, I understand you don’t have much space to build things so we just have to go with it.

Also, I’m curious as to what this “past world” (i.e Linda’s other world) is. Which is not this world or the “other world” and how/why is it easier to pass into it when the door to the other world is open on All Hallows Eve? I guess they are somehow linked, one opening the other but I’m thinking it would get congested , lotsa traffic! I mean, there are 3 worlds we are talking about here, right? Past, present and other.

DR. TINSLEY
We can't do a thing without a
little technology!

- I enjoyed that line. A possible joking reference to how in these scenarios (think Strange Days, Inception or Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless) the futuristic technology is often this wacky gadgetry with flashing lights and wires that we’re just expected to believe in. And that’s cool, I get that, just have to go with it for the sake of the story.

Pg. 5 & pg. 6 - “INT. THERAPY ROOM – NIGHT”

- This could easily be changed to a sub heading like “LATER” as we haven’t changed location since the previous scene. It’s only a time lapse.

DR. TINSLEY
We'll try that again, too.
(beat)
Try your mother.

- I’m always particularly sensitive to repeated words at close proximity in dialogue, it can sound awkward. You could perhaps change the second “try” to “How about...”

I like the repeated cutaways to a close up of the mask on page 7.

“Her mother is asleep in
the chair by the window.”

- Yikes, a true lunatic! Sleeping soundly like that after what’s she’s done.

“Her father's face stares upward, eyes wide, blood on his
cheek and mustache. His head is not attached to anything.”

- Cool visual, poor basta?d though. I can’t help wondering what was her mother planning to do with him though. Just leave him there, let him decompose? She was hardly keeping him there until she moved him to a more secluded location to rot?

Not so sure about the ending, it seemed rushed and tacked on just for a dramatic climax, to shock us. To your credit, I appreciate that you are bound by the constraints of the challenge and I didn’t really expect a satisfying conclusion going into the last page. However, I did like the build up and pseudoscience practiced by Dr. Tinsley, the device used and images showing up on the monitor. Lots of stuff there to play with in terms of tension and interesting, freaky visuals.

So I take it the mother did pass through from the other world given the night that was in it and manifested herself in her daughter? In that case, it appears that all the precautions and methodology Dr. Tinsley talked about and implemented in the beginning just didn’t work and the drug was essentially a placebo? On the contrary, it seems like the costume attracted the ghostly matriarch and allowed her to assume her daughter’s body.

It’s not elaborated on but I wondered how the mother died. Was it natural causes or (understandable) foul play on the part of Linda, to avenge her seemingly sweet father? I also thought about the nastiness of the mother and the motivation behind her action but I know you can’t go into much back-story here. Plus, presuming that the mother is the “black silhouette” which appears behind Linda in the outhouse, what were the repercussions there? Just systematic abuse until the day the mother passed on? Still many question here that I’m interested to know which you should take as a compliment, it means I was engaged in the story.

Anyway, not a bad job here although it feels truncated and cut short as it currently stands. As I said, the writing is very solid technically, an easy read. Do you plan to expand it?

Col.


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