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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Humanity Speaks - OWC
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  Author    Humanity Speaks - OWC  (currently 3643 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Humanity Speaks by Habeus Corpus - Short, Horror - The human race is being put on trial, and the only person who can save mankind is a mute girl. (G) - pdf, format


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Ryan1
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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This was more cute fantasy than horror.  Good idea making a mute girl the last hope of humanity.  But it felt like this concept could have been pushed further.  There wasn't much substance to the "trial" and I don't see a demon jury being swayed by snippets of movie reviews saying "film of the year" and "a true achievement."  That's what some critics said about Grown Ups 2.

I was hoping that Anna was going to sway the demons based on her own experiences and challenges being a handicapped person.  Like, she relates how some humans treated her terribly, but others went out of their way to help.  I think the script could have benefited from a couple more pages to create some tension in the trial.  Make Anna really work to save us.

Good spin on the theme.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Almost right from the get-go I'm hit with a However, a Suddenly and this


Quoted Text
The cat tries to run away, but it is frozen in place
Try that again.
The cat freezes. Much better.


Quoted Text
she sees a large, grey shape. She stops to
look at it.

It’s not a shape, but
the Bald Man inside a giant sleeping
bag that matches the colour of his skin.

Just show us it is Bald Man right from the start.


Quoted Text
The Bald Man climbs out of his bag again

Again? I had to stop to re-read the scene. He didn't get out of his bag. He was in it.


Quoted Text
somewhat by her desire to defend the
human race.
This is an inner thought and not an expression. It can't be filmed.

The challenge calls for one character to speak. Message though sign language I still consider a matter of speaking. Writing messages in past tense isnt helping. I tried to stick with this script. But when the character starts writing about movies, I stopped reading. I am not, nor have ever been a fan of peer writers who engage in self awareness, intentional or unintentional. I get the vibe "This is a movie" and it gets on my bad side --fast. You can do better than that.

I know my comments might sound a bit on the nasty, slap-your-knuckles-with-a-ruler kind of vibe. But I keep seeing thgose Suddenlys.

-DjS


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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“A cat walks across a completely ordinary suburban street.” And this is a completely ordinary line – it doesn’t bode well, or maybe this means the street isn’t ordinary at all. Let’s read on…

Okay, I’m sorry but would a cat really give a toss about the paving arrangement? Possibly Garfield I guess.

How does the Cat “try” to run away? Normally, if you try to run, the end result is that you run. What’s making it freeze? Oh, the bald man stopped it… now I’m following.

Let your visuals do the work – try not to tell… “allows her to look like her favorite Disney Princess, Ariel.” This wasn’t necessary.

So this Bald man materializes from the ground just to sleep on the streets – didn’t expect that.

Don’t talk to strangers! Oh Anna, why won’t you follow Grandma’s advice? I’m also wondering if good old nanna is a bit of a wind up merchant… Don’t “talk” to strangers – she’s taking the piss out of her granddaughter right?

How do you “show” something politely?

Now she’s taking piss out of herself. I’m definitely getting lost at the moment but I’m sticking with it because I’m curious about the bald fella.

Thanks for saving us from that long speech… phew!

Anna’s transformation from scared little girl to “I have to save mankind” is rather quick but I do accept that you only had 10 pages to play with.

Did the Bald man buy a newspaper? Looking for a cheap sleeping bag no doubt.

I wonder what movie it was? Let’s hope it’s not that new Transformers movie because after the demons and the bald man watch that, they’re gonna want to destroy us all for sure.

I’m praying for some kind of twist – when the Bald man waves and shouts “Goodbye” it leaves a nice feeling but this feels like it should be on the Disney channel rather than in this October OWC.

No twist!

Well, that was cute tale and I kinda liked it in a weird way but, and it’s a big but…

In terms of this challenge, it completely missed the mark IMO. I don’t have much to add. There is no horror other than scaring the crap out of the cat at the beginning.

It also gets solved rather easily, I mean a movie review is enough to change their minds, and then there’s the Bald man who was trying to destroy mankind but also save it – a very confusing character… why was he sleeping on the streets for example?

It does need some work and the fact that it’s not really a horror is a big letdown. Even a little hint of horror would have helped.
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LC
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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I have no idea how we could know the cat is puzzling over the paving stones? Unless he has a bubble over his head. Perhaps the cat could be 'pawing' at the ground instead - that might work.

Lots of 'telling' going on.

And, I was wondering when an entry would pop up with sign language - I contemplated it too.
'please don't treat me like a weirdo' - 'child' might have been a more apt word from this character given she's twelve imh. But this is your script, not mine.

Hmm, dialogue is not that hot - needs a little improving.

'Courtroom looks like it has come out of a typical legal show...? Wouldn't it just look like a regular courtroom? I get this is probably cause Anna's a movie fan but...

The court demons are a creative idea. I did start thinking what the heck did Anna do to deserve to be the representative of the human race but then you sort of explain that by the Bald Man saying she did a nice thing - which kind of seems contrary - wouldn't he pick a selfish bad person to justify the goodness of the human race?

The end message that 'movies' are proof that mankind creates happiness through them is a little bit of a stretch for me - perhaps if you'd added to Anna's dialogue re the arts in general - Anna could mention the joy of music, dance, etc.

A little light on the horror - no blood or gore to really speak of.
Overall, more like a modern Fairy Tale than horror imh.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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I hate the opening with the cat.

Code

"Be well-behaved, don’t stay out too late, don’t
talk to strangers."


That is dialogue. It's even encased in speech marks. The fact that you've done it like this tells me that you have dialogue with another character later down the line. I'm out as as far as I'm concerned you haven't satisfied the criteria.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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There's a nice fairy story in here, but for me it wasn't Horror, so it didn't meet the requirements.

Good luck with it in the future.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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LOGLINE. - quite powerful, but almost in an over the top way. Buy hey, we're writing film scripts. Let's see...

Hand signals - I wondered whether this would crop up. No complaints just a way around it...
Well until how do we know what's she saying?
I don't want to be silly over this but aren't the characters talking - IE communicating in words - just written down?

A devil courtroom in a common housing estate - always thought they were weird, you know something not right
Seems a little daft as we go along, but...I am intrigued how she wil do this. That makes me want to read on

Humm...not sure that wholly persuded me, but it was a tall order.

I think one weakness is that the deafness wasn't really core. After all she just wrote out what she wanted to say. Mind you, a tall order to pull off. I wouldn't know where to start...but if you could it would be unique.

All the best




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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was interesting

G indeed. Could make for a fun little cartoon.

Her grandmother could talk instead of writing - if Anna is deaf, her granmother being deaf is a bit much. And if she's not she should talk then.

Anna making them believe in humanity through movies appeal - a bit stretched. I was waiting for this one and I don't know... not very convincing bit.

But it was a fun read. And easy read. I think you could use a bit more comedy in this.

Get rid of "suddenly" - this is not a good word.
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rendevous
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I really don't like the title. It sounds like a dusty book that no one reads.

The opening line leaves something to be desired. Different places have different ideas of ordinary. I know the writer knows what they mean. But I've no idea. Their idea of ordinary is not going to be the same as others.

Come to think of it, I've no idea what the cat looks like either.

'GRANDMA GRAHAM (72) has hair which is dyed dark brown and
wears clothes that are inappropriate for someone of her age.' Eh? What, like a fireman's uniform? Or a sexy nurse outfit? Perhaps she's dressed like Tutankhamun.

I'm all for brevity and occasional vagueness but that's way off.

Hmm. Maybe I'm in a bad mood. This is going all The Day The Earth Stood Still. But sadly, sans the giant robot.

I'm leaving it there.

R


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Starting off ...love the logline...don't like the title...but haven't read it yet...taking notes as I go along. Excited about the rated G ...never seen that in here hardly!

Not sure if the sign language will work for many rules and such but it does not bother me.

This was a cute story IMO. It was easy to read and very enjoyable. I think it could be even better if you had time to go through the dialogue. Also I think when she gave him the money...and he said she was willing to better his existence...then it would make sense that this is the reason that he gives her a chance to better her existence and save the whole human race.

Overall great job...different take on the owc..always welcome something done in an original way.
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EWall433
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Considering the G-rating is even an option, I’ll have to forgive this one for not being too horrific. It’s got horror elements and that’ll do. I liked Anna because of the underdog factor, though I think more could’ve been done with her. The way she saves humanity seemed a little far fetched (the bar for saving humanity has never been lower) and I agree with those who say her argument should’ve been rooted in her handicap.

As for whether this cheated the criteria, Don mentioned handwriting as being permissible, so I’d say you’re free of technical errors, but let’s think about how this would actually play out.

First, you’ve got Grandma communicating in sign language. That’s great for those who know sign language, but anyone who doesn’t is just watching an old woman gesticulate wildly. The only way we’d know what she was saying is if you subtitled it, but the proper format for subtitle would be a dialogue box.

Second, once the notepad comes in, the action in the scene is just two people writing and trading the notepad back and forth, which is really static if that’s all that’s happening.

Third, is Grandma mute too? She must be since Anna’s not deaf. But if both Grandma and Anna are mute AND understand sign language, why would they switch to writing on paper? It’s an inferior form of communication.

It’s tough. I’ve been thinking of a way you could square all this and it’s just not coming to me. Post-OWC you should just give Grandma lines. But I like the idea of a mute girl having to speak for humanity, there’s a nice irony that you could do something with. And Anna seems like a capable character once you figure out a better argument for her.
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Stumpzian
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Couldn't really buy the premise -- movie advertising platitudes save humanity...in a courtroom run by demons...who don't even know what a movie is. Might work if played for comedy, though.



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Last Fountain
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Good approach to challenge parameters. Classic morality tale that illuminates our understanding.

Another cat intro. Cool. I like this classical Halloween tradition. Then a Bald Man takes an elevator ride up into our world through parted cobblestones. That was pretty inventive. Portal opened. And then an effective transition to the calendar to let us know it’s Halloween. I like how you work with images here.

A lot of the descriptions run a little long. Your details are chocked full of important visuals that a director would probably come up with. And maybe that’s a strength of yours, especially if you direct or design. For this script, the descriptive passages could be tightened up. Like the character introductions, for example. Grandma’s could be much more concise and brief. Maybe something like:

“GRANDMA (70s), dyed hair, unsettling and revealing clothing.”

Or with flavour(?): “GRANDMA (70s) in revealing clothes, destined to embarrass any child.”

I would consider keeping it simple. Like, what one word can best condense all those others? IE: Anna’s intro could be trimmed to: “ANNA, dressed as LITTLE MERMAID…” Tight and concise details keep the flow fast-paced. It’s just a suggestion to keep us invested, and not lead us to Stumble, Skim, or Skip over your writing – the dreaded 3 S’s (that I just pulled from my ass, er, I mean, through careful consideration and analysis). It took some good advice from this site for me to limit my offenses in that same regard: over-writing and burying the important amongst heavy details. Something I still struggle with. Oh another “S”. Hehehe. So, I’m just passing on what I’ve learned through trial & error. I hope it helps. The concept is strong. You don’t want the style to be weak. Alas, I digress…

I like the sign language (ASL). There have been a few deaf characters in these OWCs, but not one communicated like this (from the ones I’ve read). Format-wise maybe we should get SUB-TITLE or SUPER-IMPOSED words? It’s a fine line on meeting the parameters. But, for me, Grandma isn’t talking, so we are a go for flight.

I’d like to see Anna “talk” right back with ASL. The writing in a notepad just didn’t fly with me as well. I’d consider one or the other. Also, I’d write “Anna isn’t paying attention” versus “listening”. Maybe there is another way to show relationship conflict between these two then arguing over communication methods? I like the idea that Anna feels like a weirdo, even when she’s with her own family though. Sad.

The Bald Man in that strange sleeping bag/cocoon was a creepy visual. I like the offering idea, and his dialogue there. The sub-text is very suggestive: “for the sake of humanity”. Maybe this guy is here to help us all – but we look past him as a dirty vagrant. Nice message, if I understand correctly, our saviour may come in the unlikeliest of forms – someone too many of us dismiss and ignore. Well, let’s see, what he’s up to first, before I continue along that path…

Hmmm. Bald Man is observant. Re: the movie themed notepad. And he can read English. But he has no concept of movies. Strange. Maybe he interacted with humanity long ago but hasn’t been back in a while? Like, until he’s required. Perhaps, on the (Hallowed) Eve of the Apocalypse? By the way, the description of the “elevator” down could be condensed, removing the details about how we saw this earlier. The elevator could simply “descend”, in a word.

They descend into a courtroom. Is that a new spin-off this Fall, LAW & ORDER: UNDERWORLD. Jokes. But that’s creative. I like the description of the typical court with atypical characters – demons. I could go for some visual descriptions here. So I can better imagine these demonic creatures. I like the idea of Humanity on trial. You make a lot of good points. I like the climate change allusions.

If the challenge parameters weren’t in effect, this would be a good opportunity for Anna to be magically given a voice to speak with. Only effective for this underworld trial. It’s something to consider if you revise this or imagine it as a feature. Or maybe the Bald Man could put his hand on her head, read her thoughts & emotions, and relay them to the court. Maybe even in her voice. Creepy visual. A girl’s voice coming out of a bald man from the Netherworld.

I love the concept behind the newspaper. The headlines. Searching for good amongst its pages. It’s true, you wouldn’t know it by the media, but the human race is a beautiful thing. Fear sells though. From Ferguson, to ISIL, to Ebola, to a recent shooting in my city’s Parliament. It’s easy to focus on evil. It’s easy to see the dark in the night sky, but those are stars up there too, right. I like how you explore this territory (with Anna & the newspaper) and manage to avoid preaching and steer away from melodrama.

For me, the talk of movies, while being a movie, unfortunately veers into preaching. I like the idea there. So maybe there is another way to convey this. Maybe it isn’t movies, but rather –creativity- that shows another side of humanity? The ability to imagine a better world, and then cause it. Anna could also point to paintings, sculptures, poetry, and music – as evidence of creativity. And maybe to some degree, a bold point of evidence to creativity’s possibility to influence good: religion. While I love this idea Anna presents, I feel like she could convince the jury further. They seem to agree immediately once she mentions movies, allowing for neatly tied together happy ending.

Good message. Good characters. Light on horror though.    *  *  (out of 5)


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stevemiles
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Plenty of fantasy but no real horror (least for me).  One of those ideas that needed more time and care at the planning stage to really pull off.  The Bald Man believes Human kind must be destroyed yet he's the one who shows the most reluctance to do it -- even suggesting to Anna a way out.  Not sure I'd want him on my legal counsel.

Also feels odd that it should be demons (presumably from Hell) that would rise to judge humanity on its actions.  Wouldn't evil be all for the darker side of humanity?

p.2 -- 'Anna isn't listening.' -- Well, she's deaf, right? -- 'Anna pays no attention.' Might be a better way.

Writing wise some odd phrasing lead to some awkward visuals that hindered the read.  Not going to run through in detail here -- happy to expand if the author is interested.

It's a nice idea but the cynic in me just can't buy the combined efforts of the global film industry somehow balance out several thousand years of human ills.  Unless maybe it was that old Bugsy Malone musical with Scott Baio, that final number always leaves me feeling good about stuff.

A miss for me -- but keep at it.


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KPM
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Terrific irony. Wasn't lost on me that it takes a mute girl to save humanity.
Appreciated that it wasn't over-the-top blood and guts horror, especially for someone that isn't crazy about the genre.

Entertaining. Might tighten a little just to speed up the read.
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PrussianMosby
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Humanity Speaks

Hello,

To show mute people was a good opportunity you realized succesfully.

I'm not so sure about this story. Some aspects read jumbled to me. The tale of the little girl facing evil and representing humanity was interesting on the other side.

Anyhow it's too unfocused, still a decent story imo.



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Dreamscale
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...

Sorry to say this, but the writing just is not good.  Vrey cumbersome, filled with unnecessary details.  Characters are not properly intro'd.  Dialogue sounbs very cheesy.

Interesting use of "notes" and writing for communication, and IMO, it's acceptable.

But the story is not for me in any way.  I'm out on Page 4.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 1st, 2014, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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*spoilers*

For being so overwritten, this is surprisingly clear. Is this the only entry that used sign language? Remembering when the OWC was announced, I was bracing for a bunch of scripts with sign language. The premise is really good. I like the idea of humanity's fate resting on a mute girl.

This needs better execution in the latter half of the story. It could be very promising, but the way this played out was not good. The resolve comes from a protagonist's weakness, which in her eyes she believes is her inability to speak. Big time disappointed with this ending. Recommend you take this to the writers room and give it another go.

You've got something here.
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IamGlenn
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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Bordering on meeting the criteria and not...

And this is not really a horror.

Good little lighthearted story though. Though, the ending isn't really strong enough. She manages to convince a jury of angry demons that Earth is all good because of one movie review? Even with a courtroom in hell, that is the most unbelievable part..

Not bad though. Needs some work and I'm not sure if it meets the required criteria!


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wonkavite
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I give this writer an A for creativity.  A fun premise (though I'm sure I've seen it done in other forms somewhere before.)  The writing was okay - not poetic, but that's understandable for an OWC.  I *do* think that having the grandmother and the little girl communicate via writing was a violation of the OWC rules.  If not explicitly, then at least in spirit.  And I can't believe that a jury of demons would be swayed to spare the human race due to movies.  Maybe if it was due to the imagination in them - a skill that perhaps no other sapient species possesses - but to hold up movies as proof as humanity's goodness?  Er, no.  Especially if they happened to catch the latest torture porn flick on display..  

That said, this was a sweet entry.  Kudos to the writer.

--J
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c m hall
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SPOILERS

Very successful OWC.  Anna is a complex, believable character.  The courtroom scene is mercifully brief.  
Anna and her grandmother are fine examples of humans.  Good job!
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RayW
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16.  Humanity Speaks by Habeus Corpus - The human race is being put on trial, and the only person who can save mankind is a mute girl.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Humanity Speaks’ I’m flinching at the prospect of an on-the-nose morality tale.
That’s the most astute cat ever for noticing a change in the paver stones.
Engaging opening scene. Good…
Re Grandma Graham signing at table: AKA Grandma signing - period. IDK WTH she’s saying to the little kid.
Re “Please don’t treat me like a weirdo”: that ship done left.
Creepy homeless bald man scene.
Oh, wow. That was a creepy pull down to the “Mysterious Courtroom.” Very nice!
Nice demon jury…
Demon environmentalists - Ha! Love it.
Wow. Anna’s a brave 12yo to consider accepting the challenge of defending all of humanity. Stupid kid.
Weird prosecution and defense, like a child’s interpretation of a kangaroo court system.
Done.
Meh… eh… eh… I can see where this OWC’s constraints really hamstring the story you likely could have written using this same “Encounter at Farpoint” construct.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Encounter_at_Farpoint

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None, really. I think for what you’re starting with you’ve done about as much as you can. Release the OWC constraints and I believe a better story will emerge.



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