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First off, great fucking title. It grabbed my attention right away. I don’t read loglines for these OWCs, since I have an idea what they are about. I would rather see how it unfolds within the proper context. I don’t read anyone’s reviews before I write my own either. So this title started things off on the right foot. I’m anticipating something good here. Now, on with the read…
From rural farmhouse to an Otherworldly Athens/Atlantis (?) and back. I could do without Rick’s dialogue on page 1. For me, it would be more ominous and menacing if he was a silent threat with a captive in chains. It might be more interesting if Petra had dialogue instead. Could help the flashbacks and better convey emotion.
I expected Petra was removing the screws on the bed’s leg to remove the chain around it. Freeing herself. But I like that she is tethered to this heavy object. This forces her to stay in the house, and frees her up just enough to fight back (?). I really like the concept that Rick is some sort of supernatural hunter/collector with a trophy case. Very compelling image there. I like the plaque’s inscription too. If Rick had no dialogue, his larger mystery would be hinted at with this trophy case. For me, that would be even more intriguing. Just a suggestion.
I like how Petra moves about the house with her necklace, performs that ritual in the bathroom, covers her tracks, and returns to the bedroom. That was an intense sequence that could use even further embellishment. We could more scared that Petra will get caught. These moments remind me of a horror/fantasy mash-up of MISERY and BLACK SNAKE MOAN. Rick’s return with that dress was creepy. What does he have planned?
Actually, with the dinner that follows, I think this short has an opportunity to have NO SPEAKERS and be even more effective. The way you stage each scene is creepy enough. By trusting us to fill in the blanks we might be even more terrified anticipating what comes next. This has psychological horror with tinges of fantasy.
THAT SAID, it was creepy how “normal” their dinner conversation was. It makes me wonder how Rick perceives these events. Is he sort of like “playing house” with his captive? I wonder how many times he’s done this, and how he routinely ends this “date”? Peaky shit. Why does Petra tap on the table instead of talk? You might need to better excuse this sort of no dialogue communication.
I enjoyed the drawing exchange. But I have the same communication issue with this writing on a wipe-board. Maybe I missed something, but why can’t she talk? I could use an excuse here to justify this communication. My favourite message though: “You’re gonna die.” It seems like she has an escape plan of some sort that will coincide with the storm. I’m thinking the swirling blood, washing over the talisman in the bathroom sink, somehow called upon the gods – magically invoking a (swirling) tornado storm (like the title suggests). I like that visual parallel. Maybe you could emphasize this to be more obvious. Maybe you could somehow transition from the swirling drain to swirling clouds outside as Rick returns?
I like how she counts the space between thunder claps. Reminds me of a similar scene in POLTERGEIST (?). Whereas that movie the counting was used the relieve fear, here it is used for anticipation of revenge. She knows what’s coming. She “asked” for it, right. I like how Rick realizes the legs of the bed have been unscrewed.
I hate to say it, but you already suggested sexual deviance, maybe here Rick should assault Petra. This struggle during an attempted rape is what leads the bed to shift and Rick to realize it’s been detached from the floor. It would add to the horror and make us feel uneasy. That said, these OWC entries have had an awful lot of rape already. What’s up with that? An easy way to make us terrified? Or a sign of social climate? I digress…
I’d consider employing some EXT shots of the storm once it approaches and hits the house. I loved that jump-gore moment of the spike. I feel like the tornado should suck him out the roof and rip him apart in a swirling slaughter impaled by farm equipment, shrapnel, and debris. This was a very creative revenge. Good work there. I’d even like to see an FX shot of the tornado transforming into the ancient warrior, making this connection even more obvious.
I was missing the romantic money shot of the star-crossed lovers’ reunion. They could embrace outside as the storm dissipates. Or even in an invisible protected aura in the midst of the storm’s destruction. On another note, that I -shouldn’t- be thinking, the storm seems to intensify and split in two probably destroying many lives. Is this a fair sacrifice to free Petra and exact revenge? Or is Petra like Ancient Royalty from a lost (extinct) civilization? Or is reuniting with his love worth any sacrifice?
When it’s over, this short was a little light on the horror. It had fantasy and supernatural elements but wasn’t that scary, for me. More like disturbing and unsettling. The happy ending had a bitter-sweet tinge with all that destruction and the loss of other lives. Maybe I interpreted this wrong, and there is another mystery brewing under the surface that I missed. Oh, and by the end, that rad title is even better – framed by proper context.
Fast read. Bold and elaborate revenge. Good visuals. Light on scares. * * ½ (out of 5)
I really like this title. Kind of odd, yet it stands out. Interested to see where this goes.
Nice intro, good use of flashback with the snap back to reality. Giving Petra the non-speaking role in this works well given her situation.
The whole use of the word ‘pet’ thing makes me think a UK writer?
Not much to say, good set-up -- backstory is sparse yet gives us just enough to work with. The tornado as portal to the Otherworld is also a novel concept -- lends the story a certain reality. Great sense of underlying menace to Rick and Petra’s interaction in the build-up to the bedroom scene. The final visual of the twin funnel fits perfectly.
Would liked to have seen Rick meet a more significant end for the years of cruelty he’s put Petra through; but given the page count I think this was well executed. Light on the horror, but there is a certain tone to the situation that implies it. Perhaps my favourite so far.
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Hate the title, love the story. This one is my fave so far. Great idea with the tornado being the portal.
By the way, I have an eerily similar scene in a short I wrote where a man chains up his cheating wife. At the dining room table, she's in a red dress he bought for her and she's chained to the chair. Sick minds think alike.
OK, I'm getting bored reading all these and I'm not in the best of moods, but I'll try and be helpful and nice.
As I go notes...
Title, IMO, is bad and a turnoff.
Flashbacks are incorrectly formatted - if you want my advice on how to best write them, PM me, and I'll go into detail.
A little awkwardly phrased and maybe even overwritten a tad early on, but I'm still here.
Some early asides, or what I refer to as asides take me out a bit, but again, I'm intrigued.
Dialogue is actually well done and thought out - sounds natural and I see some attention to detail, so good job.
On Page 2, remember, you're still in an EXT scene, so if you want to show the 4X4 pull away, you need to properly write it and you didn't here.
"deformed paperclip" - uhhhh...should be phrased better.
Page 3 - dragging the bed into the bathroom? I can't picture this.
If she's pulling a bed behind her, I think old Rick wuold hear or know...you get me?
Page 5 - yeah, this is pretty well written and your dialogue sounds great to me. Good job! You actually were abhle to have only 1 character speak and it doesn't sound odd at any time. KUDOS!
Page 8 - I'm still here. I actually like what I'm reading...alot. It's very well thouight out and executed. Sure, there's some little niggles that can be worked out, but overall, easily the best I've read...but wait...is it Halloween? Where's the portal? Where's the netherworld? Oh fuck it, I like it, so who cares.
Last passage is a mistake, IMO, but overall, I really like this. It's fresh, unique, well written, well thought out, and well executed.
Coming down with a case of the giggles every time I read the title.
*spoilers*
These two characters have a weird relationship when put it up against the situation. My favorite part was when Petra wrote he's dead, and Rick's response was, "no, that's a choo-choo." Ha! It really drives home how delusional and obssesive he is about Petra. I like how her name is shortened to Pet.
The visuals at the tail end were fantastic. On a funny note, I pictured Fabio as the warrior, lol. That flashback played out like a housewife named Barbra daydreaming her favorite romance novel. Haha, just kidding. Seriously, I liked the image of twin tornados side by side... But when I think of that title, I hear Barry Manilow singing Looks Like We Made It.
I didn't really get the connection around the whole necklace-plot which makes her husband hear her cries for help and makes him come to earth as a Tornado. I think it's uneven with regards to the capture plot.
It's a decent story, reads a bit too tale-like - The warrior part, having his girl in his arms in opposite to that realistic capture angle.
Don't like the title. Oh wait! That's a Neko Case song, isn't it. That explains the music in my head. Oh yeah -- N.C., lol!
Great concept. Revisiting the portal.
Great visuals on the setup.
Don't think you need the plaque - we get it and it doesn't seem like something they would actually have.
"you're going to die" - Was his response was sarcastic? Might want to note that if so.
"chugs down" -- I'm going to be picky here, and say "what other direction would he chug?"
Loved him discovering the bed move.
OK, this was awesome. I loved it.
Is she a human or alien? I like to think she was Rick's wife who went with him to the other side and fell in love there so he had to keep her bound. Works the other way too.
I don't really get the blood down the sink thing though - how did that summon him?
Not much of a horror though (although keeping a woman hostage is...) -- perhaps if SHE kills Rick in a gruesome fashion at the end? That would be more satisfying too; revenge!
I liked the fact that we don't really know why Rick is doing what he's doing. We only know he's stolen her from the warrior. I can only think that he's an alien hunter and found her on one of his hunts.
The introduction of the Warrior was pretty cool and a nice death scene. You also handled the one sided dialogue very nicely.
I liked this, very well written and easy to follow. Smart way of keeping to the dialogue limitation although I did wonder why her throat had been cut. I'm guessing Rick was behind it but don't know why.
On the first read I was a bit lost as to how she ended up there. After going over it again I'm guessing by the trophy cabinet and plaque that Rick either crossed over to the Otherworld to hunt aliens. Or the aliens crossed over and Rick hunted them here. And then kept Petra as one of his trophies?
I'm getting more confused as I think about it so I'll leave it there. Good job though.
Great love story, great ending. Filmed, the psychological warfare between Petra and Rick would have great intensity and Petra dragging the bed could be shown as the heroic effort it must have been. Note: be sure to show that the floor is such that it doesn't show the drag marks... Rick realizing the bed is not screwed down is a good moment.
WOW. LOVE this one! Well written, poetic. I cared about the characters. It fit the OWC description. The dialog between Rick and Petra hints in all the right places re: backstory, without being OTN. DEFINITELY one of my top five. Probably - almost certainly - one of my top three. (No, I haven't read all of them yet, but this is definitely a contender for me!)
This one has a romance novel feel to it. Reminds me of Joan Wilder penning her fantasy hero and all the adventures that were to come in RTS. The hint that Rick has a trophy case with a photo of him bagging an alien is intriguing. But Rick looks like some cowpoke on a dude ranch. Maybe make his appearance dark and edgy. Something that suggests he might be a worthy adversary to Petra's warrior love interest.
I enjoyed the TV coverage of the tornado watch and think you can use that more. I envision Rick's back to the TV and as they're playing a board game, Petra is sneaking peaks at the ongoing news coverage. Instead of Rick flipping channel to the news cover, how about he turns on the TV and it's already tuned into the news.
Maybe Rick returns home a bit intoxicated. So that he doesn't notice anything different in the room or with the bed. His moment of careless and besides, he does have sex on his mind.
Finally, what if Rick is done in by one of his exotic weapons?
Overall, this was an enjoyable script. Easy to follow, a quick read and nice visuals. If there is horror in this story, I missed it. The fantasy element is definitely there, and I enjoyed the ending. I would think one of the better entries. Very good work for one week.
35. This Tornado Loves You by N.C. - A young woman, held in captivity, has one chance to ensure her freedom… and one last night to endure her captor.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘This Tornado Loves You’ I’m expecting some clever tongue-in-cheek. Interesting beginning, not at all what I was expecting. Going to be a touch melancholy, eh? Nice initial escape of sorts. Interesting plaque. Wow. Quick trip to town. Pfft. Slinky red dress. Whattapig. Oh, and he’s going to watch. Icing for the pig. Good Lord, Rick’s an @ss. Getting interesting at the cabinet and thunder… Cool rail spike kill. Eh… and it ends. That just happened. Well… woulda like more “otherworld” and less this world, but being a slave of sorts is fairly horrifying. Nice turn of expectations.
Suggested construct alternatives: Make the title fit the story better, as in include Rick stating how me he loves Petra enough to belabor the point.
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This Tornado Loves You - OWC
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Great work!
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