This Tornado Loves You by N.C. - Short, Horror - A young woman, held in captivity, has one chance to ensure her freedom… and one last night to endure her captor. (R ) - pdf, format

Ok...as I read in an earlier thread, these supernatural, fantasy, horrors don't have to be real clear and this one is a bit that way for me. I guess it's not a problem though with the genre.

I am not sure the portal thing was real visual for me. I DID love when she wrote you're gonna die. Nice job.

I wasn't sure why the bondage? Why did the guy do it? Maybe I'm asking too many questions....anyway good job on the owc.

An interesting sci-fi take on the challenge.  Loved the setup of a deranged man holding a female alien hostage.   Although, I couldn't quite figure out how she got there.  I know Rick was able to bag some strange alien creature on a hunt, but I don't get how the female was separated from her Warrior mate.  If the Warrior is powerful enough to command tornadoes, I don't see why he didn't just rescue his woman before all this.

Still, it kept me turning the pages, which is the most important thing.

How is Petra soaking up the rays with clothes on?

“Petra touches her fingers to a ragged scar” A tad awkward – get rid of “her fingers to” and you’re golden. You also don’t need to mention “cut” in that sentence.

Is Rick a Geordie?

“deformed PAPER CLIP.” Poor buggar. I do hope the other paper clips don’t make fun of him

This isn’t bad so far. Think you could have played on the scene with Rick coming back though. It felt all too easy for Petra to get back into position. I would have liked to see more tension added into this scene – make the reader doubt her, that she will be caught at any time.

Why can’t Petra talk? Obviously because of the challenge but have I missed something in the story. I don’t remember anything about her being a mute, duct-taped or just being stubborn. I don’t understand why she’s not talking?

Great reveal with the bed moving.

I now understand why Petra can’t talk… I really should have picked up on this earlier because I questioned the sentence. Damn I’m stupid. Btw, nice idea but I have to wonder why Rick did this?

“Where did you opened it?” open it. Small error, the writing has been good on the whole.

This was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I think it worked so good work… guessing the warrior is like some Greek God or if you’re an X-Men fan… like Storm as in he can control the weather.

The writing is solid but the best part here was the dynamics between the two characters which worked a treat.  A few things could be improved on like the ending for example. I didn’t like how easy Rick was beaten and I think you could have shown Rick being a little nastier to Petra, especially at the end when he realizes the game is up. This just heightens the feeling that Petra could meet her doom which I didn’t feel at the moment.

But overall, this is a solid piece – it won’t be to everyone’s taste of course but I think you’ve done a fine job – good stuff.

Code He leans down and kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

You only need write that: He kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

He leaning down first will most likely go without saying or the shot may well just cut straight to it, depends... but you don't need to write all the extra stuff. Keep an eye out for things like that.

Code Petra HUMS a soft melody as the Warrior caresses her SPIRAL PENDENT NECKLACE. He leans down and kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

In fact, you could simply combine the two sentences here: Petra HUMS a soft melody as the Warrior caresses her SPIRAL PENDENT NECKLACE then kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

This was OK. Not really my kind of thing but it might work for some.

Full of great ideas. Evocative.

Love the idea of an inter-dimensional trophy hunter..and Petra is a fitting prize.

Masterful work conveying her sense of loneliness and oppression without words. Well done.

Awkward and fitting weirdness of the homely situation with the kidnapped woman from another world. Seemed strange that this inter-dimensional traveller would be so rudimentary. This feeling increases later when we find he's aware of this incredibly powerful Warrior who he's clearly faced before.

EDIT: He's also incredibly unprepared for any kind of battle, which seems weird considering he has fore-knowledge of the kind of power he might have to face.

"You're going to die". Excellent action beat.

Wow. Great story. Brilliant bit of fantasy.

Only one problem...not even a dash of horror anywhere. It's a Fantasy Thriller.

Most complete story I read this competition, but for me didn't fit the genre.

BTW Should just be called: This Tornado


Far better and more profound.

Tornado...

Interesting way of opening a portal. I used a Hurriciane once...not in real life mind you. Let's see...

Like the opening description - I have feel for where this is
Alright Pet - sounds from up north, England.

Liked that.

Nice ending with the twin funnels and interesting connection with the water down the plug hole.

The one sided dialogue held it back, like it has for most scripts, but that can be remedied in due course.

Not sure being told you're going to die by an alien would be ignored and told it was a choo choo, but I liked it all the same.

All the best

Ah-ha, the alien take. It's not really horror, but this is a well-crafted, enjoyable script with two excellently drawn characters that builds to a thumping climax.

Like everyone else, I loved the scene with the cards, particularly 'You're going to die'. Very well constructed scene: Petra has a secret, we're wondering if Rick's going to find out, then you surprise us by having her lay it out like that. Great writing.

In fact there's a great deal of skill on show here all over the shop. It only partly complies with the criteria, perhaps, but I'll take good narrative and strong characterisation over slavish adherence to the rules any day. I'd like to see a longer version of this, if you felt the urge to expand it. Great work.

Good premise, hunter and his trophy. Would like a better fix on Rick, but maybe that's just Rick: off kilter. I do think Petra put the bed back in place too quickly for the time she had. I like  the Guess My Picture thing, and the twin tornados. All in all, good one.

At first I hated the title. But it grows on me. Particularly after I read the story. I really quite liked this.

I can see most don't think it has enough horror for them. But I disagree. You don't have to have baths of blood and limbs flying off to have an atmosphere of horror.

Well written with an interesting story. Enough said.

R

Not the best of titles. One of the best of scripts. Not much in horror, although there have been horrors which include captives held against thier will/torture purposes, only with thius case it's an alien captive who once was this smoking hot goddess in a past life. Liked the tornados being part of a portal (kind of reminds me of...Oz?)

Not much to add here. A decent script.

Not sure how you caress a necklace - perhaps plays with it, loops it around his finger?

I had to read: 'she bares it', twice - tolerates it, now I get it - bit of telling going on - Petra could have pulled a face to show how repugnant she finds Rick instead.

Deformed paper-clip - right, so it's bent?

'Rick charges Petra.' - for a minute I thought there was some money being exchanged.   Sorry, it wasn't clear to me at first.

'clogs' the doorway' - 'blocks' - your word choices are unconventional but not necessarily bad, they just pulled me up at times and I had to re-read within the context.

RICK
I used a different dry rub than
usual. Maybe a little much.

I love that bit of dialogue (above) - terrific.

Where did you
[i]opened it?

... first you
guess what I draw, then I guess
what you drawed.[/i]

I let these two typos go because I was thinking this is his manner of speaking. Now, I'm not sure.
Is it?

In summing up, you had me in the palm of your hand with this one - a good story - beginning, middle and end. Great conflict, stakes etc. And, I really wanted to know what was going to happen in the end. Actually I still want to know what Rick was going to offer the Warrior in return for Petra - what was the condition going to be?

That's good storytelling.

Very enjoyable.

I like Rick in this. He's a very bad man, but you presented him in a very subtle way. If we don't know he's evil he would sound pretty normal, even compassionate.
For example, he cooks steak for her and cares about her liking his steak.

And I liked very much the tornado in this.

My question is how she was brought into his life. She was with the Warrior, then suddenly Rick has her chained and all.

Then warrior just came and took her - he could have done it earlier. A little bit more and it would be a very good little tale for me. Right now, well written, an easy and captivating read but lacks answers to my questions.

There is a bit too much backstory for me here that goes unexplained, mostly in regards to Rick and his trophies.

He seems a bit too simple to be pulling off some grand interdimensional hunting expedition, or whatever it was that was supposed to be going on in that cabinet of his.

But getting past that -- chalking it up to page limitations -- this was well written, pulling me forward to see where you went with this.

High points were Petra's written responses and the twin funnel clouds, as others have stated.  For me, the title is fitting.  Sounds like a country song.  Odd, yes, but odd is good to me.

Bold slugs narrow down the author choices, but I cannot narrow it further than that.

Nice work.  I enjoyed reading it.

Disturbing behaviour. Psychologically unsettling moments. Mythical elements. Epic revenge.

First off, great fucking title. It grabbed my attention right away. I don’t read loglines for these OWCs, since I have an idea what they are about. I would rather see how it unfolds within the proper context. I don’t read anyone’s reviews before I write my own either. So this title started things off on the right foot. I’m anticipating something good here. Now, on with the read…

 From rural farmhouse to an Otherworldly Athens/Atlantis (?) and back. I could do without Rick’s dialogue on page 1. For me, it would be more ominous and menacing if he was a silent threat with a captive in chains. It might be more interesting if Petra had dialogue instead. Could help the flashbacks and better convey emotion.

I expected Petra was removing the screws on the bed’s leg to remove the chain around it. Freeing herself. But I like that she is tethered to this heavy object. This forces her to stay in the house, and frees her up just enough to fight back (?). I really like the concept that Rick is some sort of supernatural hunter/collector with a trophy case. Very compelling image there. I like the plaque’s inscription too. If Rick had no dialogue, his larger mystery would be hinted at with this trophy case. For me, that would be even more intriguing. Just a suggestion.

I like how Petra moves about the house with her necklace, performs that ritual in the bathroom, covers her tracks, and returns to the bedroom. That was an intense sequence that could use even further embellishment. We could more scared that Petra will get caught. These moments remind me of a horror/fantasy mash-up of MISERY and BLACK SNAKE MOAN. Rick’s return with that dress was creepy. What does he have planned?

Actually, with the dinner that follows, I think this short has an opportunity to have NO SPEAKERS and be even more effective. The way you stage each scene is creepy enough. By trusting us to fill in the blanks we might be even more terrified anticipating what comes next. This has psychological horror with tinges of fantasy.

THAT SAID, it was creepy how “normal” their dinner conversation was. It makes me wonder how Rick perceives these events. Is he sort of like “playing house” with his captive? I wonder how many times he’s done this, and how he routinely ends this “date”? Peaky shit. Why does Petra tap on the table instead of talk? You might need to better excuse this sort of no dialogue communication.

I enjoyed the drawing exchange. But I have the same communication issue with this writing on a wipe-board. Maybe I missed something, but why can’t she talk? I could use an excuse here to justify this communication. My favourite message though: “You’re gonna die.” It seems like she has an escape plan of some sort that will coincide with the storm. I’m thinking the swirling blood, washing over the talisman in the bathroom sink, somehow called upon the gods – magically invoking a (swirling) tornado storm (like the title suggests). I like that visual parallel. Maybe you could emphasize this to be more obvious. Maybe you could somehow transition from the swirling drain to swirling clouds outside as Rick returns?

 I like how she counts the space between thunder claps. Reminds me of a similar scene in POLTERGEIST (?). Whereas that movie the counting was used the relieve fear, here it is used for anticipation of revenge. She knows what’s coming. She “asked” for it, right. I like how Rick realizes the legs of the bed have been unscrewed.

I hate to say it, but you already suggested sexual deviance, maybe here Rick should assault Petra. This struggle during an attempted rape is what leads the bed to shift and Rick to realize it’s been detached from the floor. It would add to the horror and make us feel uneasy. That said, these OWC entries have had an awful lot of rape already. What’s up with that? An easy way to make us terrified? Or a sign of social climate? I digress…

I’d consider employing some EXT shots of the storm once it approaches and hits the house. I loved that jump-gore moment of the spike. I feel like the tornado should suck him out the roof and rip him apart in a swirling slaughter impaled by farm equipment, shrapnel, and debris. This was a very creative revenge. Good work there. I’d even like to see an FX shot of the tornado transforming into the ancient warrior, making this connection even more obvious.

I was missing the romantic money shot of the star-crossed lovers’ reunion. They could embrace outside as the storm dissipates. Or even in an invisible protected aura in the midst of the storm’s destruction. On another note, that I -shouldn’t- be thinking, the storm seems to intensify and split in two probably destroying many lives. Is this a fair sacrifice to free Petra and exact revenge? Or is Petra like Ancient Royalty from a lost (extinct) civilization? Or is reuniting with his love worth any sacrifice?

When it’s over, this short was a little light on the horror. It had fantasy and supernatural elements but wasn’t that scary, for me.  More like disturbing and unsettling. The happy ending had a bitter-sweet tinge with all that destruction and the loss of other lives. Maybe I interpreted this wrong, and there is another mystery brewing under the surface that I missed. Oh, and by the end, that rad title is even better – framed by proper context.

Fast read. Bold and elaborate revenge. Good visuals. Light on scares.      *  *  ½    (out of 5)

I really like this title.  Kind of odd, yet it stands out.  Interested to see where this goes.

Nice intro, good use of flashback with the snap back to reality.  Giving Petra the non-speaking role in this works well given her situation.

The whole use of the word ‘pet’ thing makes me think a UK writer?  

Not much to say, good set-up -- backstory is sparse yet gives us just enough to work with.  The tornado as portal to the Otherworld is also a novel concept -- lends the story a certain reality.  Great sense of underlying menace to Rick and Petra’s interaction in the build-up to the bedroom scene.  The final visual of the twin funnel fits perfectly.

Would liked to have seen Rick meet a more significant end for the years of cruelty he’s put Petra through; but given the page count I think this was well executed.  Light on the horror, but there is a certain tone to the situation that implies it.  Perhaps my favourite so far.

Hate the title, love the story. This one is my fave so far. Great idea with the tornado being the portal.

By the way, I have an eerily similar scene in a short I wrote where a man chains up his cheating wife. At the dining room table, she's in a red dress he bought for her and she's chained to the chair. Sick minds think alike.

Great job on this one! Awesome ending!

OK, I'm getting bored reading all these and I'm not in the best of moods, but I'll try and be helpful and nice.

As I go notes...

Title, IMO, is bad and a turnoff.

Flashbacks are incorrectly formatted - if you want my advice on how to best write them, PM me, and I'll go into detail.

A little awkwardly phrased and maybe even overwritten a tad early on, but I'm still here.

Some early asides, or what I refer to as asides take me out a bit, but again, I'm intrigued.

Dialogue is actually well done and thought out - sounds natural and I see some attention to detail, so good job.

On Page 2, remember, you're still in an EXT scene, so if you want to show the 4X4 pull away, you need to properly write it and you didn't here.

"deformed paperclip" - uhhhh...should be phrased better.

Page 3 - dragging the bed into the bathroom?  I can't picture this.

If she's pulling a bed behind her, I think old Rick wuold hear or know...you get me?

Page 5 - yeah, this is pretty well written and your dialogue sounds great to me.  Good job!  You actually were abhle to have only 1 character speak and it doesn't sound odd at any time.  KUDOS!

Page 8 - I'm still here.  I actually like what I'm reading...alot.  It's very well thouight out and executed.  Sure, there's some little niggles that can be worked out, but overall, easily the best I've read...but wait...is it Halloween?  Where's the portal?  Where's the netherworld?  Oh fuck it, I like it, so who cares.

Last passage is a mistake, IMO, but overall, I really like this.  It's fresh, unique, well written, well thought out, and well executed.

Damn good job.  Easily tops for me so far!

Coming down with a case of the giggles every time I read the title.

*spoilers*

These two characters have a weird relationship when put it up against the situation. My favorite part was when Petra wrote he's dead, and Rick's response was, "no, that's a choo-choo." Ha! It really drives home how delusional and obssesive he is about Petra. I like how her name is shortened to Pet.

The visuals at the tail end were fantastic. On a funny note, I pictured Fabio as the warrior, lol. That flashback played out like a housewife named Barbra daydreaming her favorite romance novel. Haha, just kidding. Seriously, I liked the image of twin tornados side by side... But when I think of that title, I hear Barry Manilow singing Looks Like We Made It.

Gosh, what's wrong with me?   Great work!

This Tornado Loves You

Hello,

I didn't really get the connection around the whole necklace-plot which makes her husband hear her cries for help and makes him come to earth as a Tornado. I think it's uneven with regards to the capture plot.

It's a decent story, reads a bit too tale-like - The warrior part, having his girl in his arms in opposite to that realistic capture angle.

Don't like the title. Oh wait! That's a Neko Case song, isn't it. That explains the music in my head. Oh yeah -- N.C., lol!

Great concept. Revisiting the portal.

Great visuals on the setup.

Don't think you need the plaque - we get it and it doesn't seem like something they would actually have.

"you're going to die" - Was his response was sarcastic? Might want to note that if so.

"chugs down" -- I'm going to be picky here, and say "what other direction would he chug?"

Loved him discovering the bed move.

OK, this was awesome. I loved it.

Is she a human or alien? I like to think she was Rick's wife who went with him to the other side and fell in love there so he had to keep her bound. Works the other way too.

I don't really get the blood down the sink thing though - how did that summon him?

Not much of a horror though (although keeping a woman hostage is...) -- perhaps if SHE kills Rick in a gruesome fashion at the end? That would be more satisfying too; revenge!

Great job, Neko! My favorite so far.

I really liked this one.

I liked the fact that we don't really know why Rick is doing what he's doing. We only know he's stolen her from the warrior. I can only think that he's an alien hunter and found her on one of his hunts.

The introduction of the Warrior was pretty cool and a nice death scene. You also handled the one sided dialogue very nicely.

One of my favourites. Nice work.

I liked this, very well written and easy to follow. Smart way of keeping to the dialogue limitation although I did wonder why her throat had been cut. I'm guessing Rick was behind it but don't know why.

On the first read I was a bit lost as to how she ended up there. After going over it again I'm guessing by the trophy cabinet and plaque that Rick either crossed over to the Otherworld to hunt aliens. Or the aliens crossed over and Rick hunted them here. And then kept Petra as one of his trophies?

I'm getting more confused as I think about it so I'll leave it there. Good job though.

SPOILERS

Great love story, great ending.  Filmed, the psychological warfare between Petra and Rick would have great intensity and Petra dragging the bed could be shown as the heroic effort it must have been.  Note: be sure to show that the floor is such that it doesn't show the drag marks... Rick realizing the bed is not screwed down is a good moment.  

WOW. LOVE this one!  Well written, poetic.  I cared about the characters.  It fit the OWC description.  The dialog between Rick and Petra hints in all the right places re: backstory, without being OTN. DEFINITELY one of my top five. Probably - almost certainly - one of my top three.  (No, I haven't read all of them yet, but this is definitely a contender for me!)

This one has a romance novel feel to it. Reminds me of Joan Wilder penning her fantasy hero and all the adventures that were to come in RTS. The hint that Rick has a trophy case with a photo of him bagging an alien is intriguing. But Rick looks like some cowpoke on a dude ranch. Maybe make his appearance dark and edgy. Something that suggests he might be a worthy adversary to Petra's warrior love interest.

I enjoyed the TV coverage of the tornado watch and think you can use that more. I envision Rick's back to the TV and as they're playing a board game, Petra is sneaking peaks at the ongoing news coverage. Instead of Rick flipping channel to the news cover, how about he turns on the TV and it's already tuned into the news.

Maybe Rick returns home a bit intoxicated. So that he doesn't notice anything different in the room or with the bed. His moment of careless and besides, he does have sex on his mind.

Finally, what if Rick is done in by one of his exotic weapons?

Overall, this was an enjoyable script. Easy to follow, a quick read and nice visuals. If there is horror in this story, I missed it. The fantasy element is definitely there, and I enjoyed the ending. I would think one of the better entries. Very good work for one week.

35.  This Tornado Loves You by N.C. - A young woman, held in captivity, has one chance to ensure her freedom… and one last night to endure her captor.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘This Tornado Loves You’ I’m expecting some clever tongue-in-cheek.
Interesting beginning, not at all what I was expecting. Going to be a touch melancholy, eh?
Nice initial escape of sorts. Interesting plaque.
Wow. Quick trip to town.
Pfft. Slinky red dress. Whattapig. Oh, and he’s going to watch. Icing for the pig.
Good Lord, Rick’s an @ss.
Getting interesting at the cabinet and thunder…
Cool rail spike kill.
Eh… and it ends. That just happened.
Well… woulda like more “otherworld” and less this world, but being a slave of sorts is fairly horrifying. Nice turn of expectations.

Suggested construct alternatives:
Make the title fit the story better, as in include Rick stating how me he loves Petra enough to belabor the point.

Congrats, Eric!
Well done.  

Well done, indeed.

You got my vote...or 1 of my 3 votes.

I quite liked this, Eric, love how you implement this broad fantasy or even sci-fi angle into a script set to (mostly) a single location. There's this script bought by Scott Free Productions a few years back called Ion, written by this fellow named Will Dunn, I got a lot of similar vibes here. You should check it out. A solid effort, mate.

One of my two faves. GREAT JOB!!!!!

Intriguing, from beginning to end.
So well written. Grabbed me immediately. An easy read.
Curious how Rick got Petra, but not essential...  

Eric

Love the title.

How did Petra unscrew all four bed legs from the floor if she was chained to the bedpost? Would Rick have allowed that much slack in it?

“THUNDER RUMBLES. A beat passes. LIGHTNING FLASHES again.
Petra counts again.

"One"..."Two"..."Thr-"

- Instantly reminded me of Poltergeist. I half expected a mischievous tree to come bursting through the window at any minute and try to consume her

RICK
(shouting)
Alright, you can have her back! On
one condition!

- Really, you’re going to try and bargain with this thing? The subsequent rail spike through his neck confirmed my thinking that this wasn't a very smart way to approach the situation.

Some great stuff in here, you gave us a tantalizing taster off the mythology with the trophy cabinet, photo and intriguing plaque inscription. I really wanted to learn more about how Rick came to acquire Petra in the first place but I get why you couldn't.

I dug the set up , locale and tornado-as-wrath-of-[insert E.T here] metaphor. Left me with many questions though but the fact that I’m genuinely curious about them shows it worked for what it was.

Good job.

Col.

Thanks colkurtz, kpm and everyone who read and reviewed. I meant to post something earlier (something more extensive), but never got around to it.

Kudos to dbm for sussing out the inspiration for this one. I just happened to be listening to a lot of Neko Case when the challenge came and was enjoying that song's idea of a tornado representing destructive love. I was thinking about the circumstances someone would have to be in to actually welcome such affection, and also trying to figure out how it could fit the challenge.

The one person dialogue gave me pause, but once I came up with Rick severing Petra's vocal chords things got easier, as Petra was someone who wanted to talk, but couldn't. As for why, it was so she couldn't cry out for help. I imagine she was abducted covertly so Rick wouldn't have to deal directly with the Warrior.

As for how someone as simple as Rick would be included in this clandestine interdimensional safari group... nepotism. Sure Rick's a dunce, but he's Bob's cousin. And we all owe Bob don't we? Just give him the mystical blood vial. What's the worst that can happen?

Other than that, things are either self-explanatory or intentionally ambiguous. Thanks again to everyone.

Congrats on winning this.

I could see why lol. Are you planning to expand on this? Or revise it? Lol. You have a lot of material to cover. Not saying it's a bad thing. You just got me intrigued.

Other than that, I got nothing. Lol.

Gabe