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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  The Nightmare Door - OWC
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  Author    The Nightmare Door - OWC  (currently 5069 views)
Don
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Nightmare Door by Larry Huckenstuffit - Short, Horror - A conniving Housemaster recounts a bedtime tale to a sleepless young student. (PG) - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 10:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Interesting dark, fairy-tale tone. Creepy Otherworld setting.

Didn't get it at all, though. Couldn't work out why the Tired Boys eyes were suddenly gouged out, or what it meant for the story.

Good effort, just didn't quite fit together.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Creepy. While Aldous' monologue was well-written, I felt it ran a little long. Great sense of atmosphere though, and in a good actor's hands that could be great to watch. Grace felt like a present character, too, it didn't jar that she didn't speak - though you have a typo on page 3 (should be 'SHE pouts'?).

However, I too didn't quite get the ending, or indeed the final 'reveal'. May be I missed something, look forward to the writer explaining exactly what they are shooting for.

In all, though the exact meaning was lost on me, this'd make a nice, slow burn, skin-crawly short - I like the title too, the right mix of childish fairy tale and potential menace. A good entry.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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A tale full of little mysteries. Elegant, evocative, a true pleasure to read.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Larry Huxkenstuffit - a name so weird the spell check couldn't be bothered to change it. That's weird as well

Logline - got a creepy vibe to this one. Let's see...

Ok, plus' and minus'

Plus- it's creepy. The setting is good. Man above a young girl in a boarding school - vulnerable. Also his dialogue was interesting, until

Minus' ...it went in too long and too off beat.

Yeah, I got lost in this as well.

As a guess she is in the school for the dead, or abused.

Got potential though


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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It started well and then went all over the place. This one doesn't work for me.
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rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh. Another cat. They're in all of the last scripts I read. A deluge of pussy. Not a sentence I've been able to use often.

One of the better written ones. Some nice imagery and phrasing. I think the writer has an aversion to commas. Still, better than the usual method of throwing them about randomly like chicken feed.

I got to the end and thought I missed something so I went back. Nope. I've missed something alright but I can't see it on the pages. Eh? Oh, looking at previous comments I see I am not alone. I might try it again later.

Shame, it was going great guns there for a while.

R



Out Of Character - updated


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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This one went on a little too long for me so it starts to drag a bit...maybe too because there is a ton of dialogue in it and some of the dialogue feels like expo.

Another cat and antlers

Good writing in this one but I feel like I'm getting lost or I do not understand the end much or how it fits in. Look forward to the writer chiming in on this one as I think it has great potential.
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RJ
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Have to say that this is my favorite so far - dark and twisted, yet meaningful.

I liked the boarding school set up and enjoyed the way you handled the dialogue - eerie, intriguing and great imagery.

My take on the story would be that every Halloween Aldous trades a student for a demonic creature, as what was done to him when he was 7 (via hypnosis or something of the sort) when the doorway can be opened. I guess the Tired boy is new and the image in the spoon is foretelling his future - he's next. Correct me if I'm wrong, but really I don't want to be - I really like it as is.

Great Job
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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The rather poetic writing leads me to surmise a particular author, though I said that about another one I read, so who knows...

It's beautifully written and you've captured perfectly the stuffy and pompous character of Aldous. I did question whether he would recount to a little girl his days of Laudanum and rum - but then I thought about it and it's quite plausible.

This is most definitely written by a Brit - based on word choices like 'copse'... least, I think so.  

I enjoyed this tale quite a lot but am left thinking that was due more to the very capable writing than actual plot. It did meander a bit in the second half and take a direction I was not expecting - which is a good trick for a writer to do, but I was left strangely dissatisfied with the story. Some lovely visuals and a few nice gory moments... and I'm left trying to remember - where or what was the portal? Doesn't matter.

Well done.


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Gum
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written. Fantastic imagery and great use of the theme; and animal folklore. The dialog was thick and fluid and left me wanting more, similar perhaps, to digesting other writing’s of dystopian environments, or whatever new/old design Aldous is creating within these walls of higher learning.

The added feature is the dark and gothic feel to this that I envision this … Utopian world to be. The transference of the children’s ethereal bodies between the realm of what is, and what is not... is really not as traumatic as one might think. Many of what terrifies a child, is that which is born unto this corporeal, not what they see through the doors in their mind. I believe Aldous is preparing these children to accept a dystopian future of transmutation and obedience, or preparing the children to deliver his message of said New World Order.

As much as my comments move in this direction, I was, ultimately, lost on the final message. Hopefully the writer will chime in with their take?

Excellent work…
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! Liked Aldous's dialogue; very thoughtful and Twilight Zone. The strength of Aldous's character, the natural silence of Grace and the crisp, halloween motifs fit the story nicely. Well done and liked it.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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The writing’s solid but the story isn’t grabbing me at the moment.

Yeah, I’m on page 4 and this feels like a lecture, I can feel my eyes closing but maybe that’s more that it’s late here.

Aldous is also well spoken which is a good character trait, but I also find that I’m scanning over his dialogue because of it.

Well written, and has a good atmosphere but I have no idea what just happened. I’m guessing something happened to Aldous when he was 7 with the dream scene and the fact that he squints one of his eyes. He somehow gets into the kids dreams like Freddy and they turn (I have absolutely no idea) into little eye gouging demons! That’s not even close is it? Be interested to hear the writer’s thoughts. Actually, I could pm them because I’m pretty sure I know who did this one.

Good job on the writing. Sorry I can’t add much weight to the story but it flew straight over my head.
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khamanna
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking you could show a girl first - let us know who he's talking to.
I see Grace only on p3. I started to think he's talking to himself.

Most of his talk could be a VO. But I know the requirement was not to have a VO.

so I finished reading and I start searching for a point. What's Aldous problem, why he starts telling her the story, does his story solve anything for him or for her.

I don't know the answers to these questions.

I like the mood in this though. He's kind of a slow-talker - I liked him.
I wish I understood the story better.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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THE NIGHTMARE DOOR

Hello,

Anyhow the story works. I'm not sure if the nightmare's the right way to develop things. Didn't really get how Grace could fall asleep after she heard that scary story and the cat staring at her.
Also, I think you need a better way to justify Grace's not speaking. Aldous cuts her short, still, his story must cause a reaction of her.

There were things which worked better: The sounds, the cat, those shadows -  the details at all brought a creepy atmosphere.



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