Haunting otherworld. Some good bits of dialogue. Mysterious.

Aldous is such a unique name I can’t help but think of Huxley. Will this be a BRAVE NEW WORLD? I wonder if this will tie into those strong themes. If there is no connection, consider the effect names have on informing impressions and suggesting subtext. I really liked that last passage of dialogue on page 1. Well-written and flavourful - one powerfully constructed sentence.

It feels like you kind of bumbled the 1 speaker thing, when Aldous cuts off Grace’s reply of “Saturday.” I would have preferred if she just shook her head No or something. I still enjoy the flavour of his dialogue though, even if at times it may seem inappropriate or too complex for a 7-year old’s level of understanding. I can excuse this better than the 1 speaker stuff, as maybe Aldous refuses to dumb down. He wants to challenge the girl, thereby teaching her, I suppose. Although, with this strange subject matter she might have a question or too worth asking.

I’m not sure I like how Grace easily falls to sleep after being scared by sounds and shadows. Plus that menacing malevolent cat gets in her face and her eyes just close. I would consider a stronger transition here. I wonder if this trance could be more obvious. Maybe Aldous says something like, “Sleep. And the door will open. Let me show you the Otherworld. Sleep, my child, and your fears will disappear.” This better excuses the sudden shift into the dreamscape.

You’ve created a very atmospheric dream-world, filled with strong images. The childish laughter would grate on me, starting off as innocent and becoming ominous and threatening. The shackles and the one eyed boy creeped me out too. Has young Aldous been trapped here since long ago? Did he finally find a companion? Or replacement? Interesting.

You’ve shown just enough of the underworld to make us want more. The slow bleed into horror was effective. Back to reality, the true horror kicks in. From my interpretation, it turns out Aldous is a demented collector of innocence, finding companions for his friends from the otherworld (?)

Good dialogue. Good atmosphere. Scary underworld.      *   *    ½    (out of 5)

*spoilers*

Well done, writer. I was wrapped in this effort, tone was top notch. The visuals with the shadows was particularly good. My favorite part is when the kid looked in the spoon and what we saw in its reflection. Creepy! This story can keep going. It deserves to be explored further, beyond just a handful of pages.

I love the writing here, and Aldous's dialog. It was a breeze to read but...I have no clue what this story was about. I don't know why the kids were brought to that world.

There has been some talk about there being a mystery to fantasy, but this is too much of a mystery. It just left me shrugging.  But again, excellent writing.  

Writer,

I'd try to piece this together but I won't. Not sure about exactly what happened by story's end, but I'll just say I was confused -- which, admittedly, is not that hard to do. So maybe I missed a key piece of info, but I find if I have to go back and look then something wasnt clear.

Overall, this was good. You had good imagery, and the writing came off as forced in only a couple places. The Housemaster could really talk, huh? I think a bit too much. Kept waiting for him to get to the story and then -- the dream sequence. That came out of left field, and I think is the reason why I lost track here. But again, maybe not your fault.

But the writing in display here is pretty good.

Steve

I like the set-up here, and there's some tidy opening visuals with some good indicators referencing story elements.

Aldous' dialogue is occasionally verbose, but it's got character to it and a nice melodic pattern.

I like the considered use of props and sounds here, they're well-woven into the story and compliment it without drowning it out.

I guess you've had some inspiration from Aldous Huxley's 'Doors of Perception?'

As far as the story goes, I can only guess that Grace accepts her place amoung the kids in the odd-school. It fits horror well, and has a bit of an out-there consclusion. I guess she's now professor's favourite, up from scared fresher.

The end of this was creepy. I immediately recalled the line, “that which leaves is not that which returns.” But one thing, “His reflection screams in silence as blood streams from gouged eyes.” Is that supposed to be HER reflection? It would make more sense to me. She’s been caught in the nightmare, but Tired boy never slept and is therefore unaffected. Or at least that’s what I’m going with, otherwise I’m just confused.

I liked the idea of what I thought was coming. Tackling the dialogue criteria by having one character simply tell a scary story, I thought was brilliant. But we never really got a story from Aldous. We got some concepts and some ideas that set-up the ending, but he never actually unspooled a narrative of his own. For instance, when he spoke of Saturdays, I thought he was going to transition into what happened on his Saturday.

So that’s the main thing I was missing, I wanted him to tell a campfire tale, complete with characters, beginning, middle, end, the whole bit. Something that would be compelling on it’s own plucked out from the rest of the script. THEN the nightmare it inspires. Then the kick in the teeth when we wake up to see the nightmare’s come true. It felt to me like that’s what this was reaching for.

The atmosphere is tops and I think the basic plot points are in place. I just want Aldous’ monologue to have more narrative thrust.

Wonderfully nightmarish, I love the hypnotic blend of sound of the pipes etc.  and the shadows of the animals.

This story could be powerful on screen, but I think it would be even better if developed further, the scene where young Aldous is found, for example.

I don't think it would spoil the eeriness to see more of the children's adventures.

For this OWC, however, this is admirably successful.

Great usage of dialogue in this one. Not only does it fill the pages easily, it is also extremely well written and Grace's lack of a vocal response never seems forced.

Aldous is a legitimately creepy character, yet there's obviously so much more to him. An enigma so to say, fascinating. Great writing. He clearly has a connection to the otherworld and somewhat of a fascination with drawings from those nightmares, bit of a fanatic with these things I imagine?

The atmosphere and the choice of the boarding school, especially since it's managed by Aldous - good stuff.

This was one of the rare scripts where I felt that less is more and that the ambiguity adds to the tone. I'm not completely sure or aware of what went on, but it works. The "I can tell you, that which leaves is not that which returns." clearly has a place in the ending, but I don't quite get it or why the boy is marked as tired this time around. That would be the only part where I'd want more of an explanation. A few theories do kick around in my head and I'm almost leaning towards knowing potentially being a lot more disappointing.

This is also getting a recommend from me on the Friday vote.

I loved the flavor of this... very old style, and gothic.  A solid writer was here. Especially dig the title, BTW!

But, like others, I felt that the windup for this one ran long (and I'm someone who's pretty comfortable with slow-burn type stories).  And... I find myself at a loss as to what the reveal actually was.  One of the reviewers above mentioned that it might be a school for the dead.  And if so, it's pretty poetic and worth exploring further.  I just wish it'd been a *touch* clearer.

--J (W)

This is really well written and it started off so well.

By the end though, I was quite lost.

I didn't get it at all. Who was the boy and where were his eyes.

As I said, really well written and if you could clear some stuff up it could be a good creepy tale.

4 pages in and absolutely nothing going on.

The writing seems to think it's incredible, but to me, it doesn't work at all and is actually a big turnoff.  I do believe this writer can write, but there are so many obvious mistakes, ommissions, and problems.  Trying too hard, is what I get, adn that rarely, if ever works for me.

Probably over my head and/or not in my wheelhouse.  I'm out.

Struggling to understand what happened on the last page. It's a new take on the challenge, that's for sure. Has a dark Alice in Wonderland quality going for it, kids always dream up the scariest monsters anyway. It's definitely got a certain quality to it, the script I mean, would be interesting if the writer revealed what it was all about. Might need to give this one some more thought and come back to it.

"one eye shuttered into a squint" -- nice. This is going to be a good read.

Super well written, but I don't get the ending at the breakfast table. Perhaps because you didn't setup the mirror-as-a-crystal ball thing? What is the boy seeing? Where did all the drawings come from? Or rather when? I gather he took them all to the otherside - but is it one a year? Are the old prictures fading and yellowing?

On the otherside, the girl didn't really do anything, so I'm not sure the lesson. And the parallels between the shadows on her wall and the creatures on teh other side seem to indicate that it was all a dream?

It also dragged a bit before she crossed over. Might just be me.

But writing was top notch.

24.  The Nightmare Door by Larry Huckenstuffit - A conniving Housemaster recounts a bedtime tale to a sleepless young student.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘The Nightmare Door’ I’m expecting a straightforward delivery of this horror-fantasy.
Potentially ominous opening sequence with a displaced child confronted with an non-comforting authoritative figure.
(Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Unnecessary.)
Although the story’s fairly tepid by midway the imagery is nice. Execution on screen is key.
Aww… I’m disappointed  she’s lapsed into a dream rather than a dream-state imagination of the story Aldous tells her.
Hmm… Quizzical dream.
Annnnd… I’m not really sure just WTH happened after that dream or because of it. I dunno. You lost me. Sorry.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- ??
- Draw a stronger bridge between what happens in the dream, the “doorway”, and what goes on in the kitchen and it’s drawing on the fridge.

Apologies for the tardy reply, I’ve been in the middle of nowhere with a busted laptop charger.  Thanks to those who took the time to read and comment -- looking back through the posts it seems the big issue here was clarity.  J.S was pretty much on the money with what I had in mind but I’m still kicking myself for not having tied this together more succinctly.  

The idea was a portal between reality and a nightmare realm that opens on Halloween allowing people (children) to cross over.  If they don’t wake before sunrise (in the real world) their consciousness is trapped there and what comes back is essentially a waking nightmare able to project nightmarish visions (hence Aldous and the shadows/cat; and later Grace with the Tired Boy seeing his eyes gouged out in the reflection).  The fate of those trapped is to live in a constant nightmare -- as with young Aldous chained in the clearing.

Aldous latches onto pupils in his care having trouble sleeping (he uses the pupils’ drawings to identify those with the most troubled dreams).  He turns up on Halloween, hypnotizes them and sends them off into his trap -- as he once was himself.  The pictures on the fridge were meant to indicate this had been going on for some time.

The whole dream sequence was pretty much used to illustrate Aldous’ story as I realised his dialogue was running on and was pretty much serving as exposition.  It is a little wordy, but I figured with one character speaking I’d have some fun with it.  

But hey, if I have to explain it then I messed up my part…  Going to have a think on this one -- see if I can’t come back to it.  

Forgive -- no Huxley inspiration to this.  Aldous was just a random name that seemed to fit the character.  I’ll have to check out the Doors of Perception though.

Again, thanks for the reads, and a big thanks to Don for putting this together.